Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Zombie Strippers! (2008)

Director: Jay Lee

Starring: Jenna Jameson, Robert Englund

More info: IMDb

Tagline: They'll dance for a fee, but devour you for free.

Plot: In the not too distant future a secret government re-animation chemo-virus gets released into conservative Sartre, Nebraska and lands in an underground strip club. As the virus begins to spread, turning the strippers into "Super Zombie Strippers" the girls struggle with whether or not to conform to the new "fad" even if it means there's no turning back.

My rating: 4/10

Will I watch it again? Not even with your dick.

I remember my first dead stripper like it was yesterday...

ZOMBIE STRIPPERS is almost as bad as the tagline. In the tradition of great exploitation, the title is what sells it. The poster could have been better although I like the attempted 70s grindhouse look. Robert Englund is fun as the shady titty bar owner. I watched this while making the most amazing chocolate chip cookies from scratch. FUCK ME SILLY they're delicious. I'm glad I did it that way because you don't need to see a great deal of this movie. I was taken aback that there were some gags that actually made me laugh (but not until the zombie action hit full force far too late in the movie for me to care anymore).

What didn't do anything for me were the dance numbers that lasted the whole fucking song. That's great if you're into that and all but I prefer the strip routines of the 40s, 50s and 60s. You know, tassles, feathers and shit. I was able to shave a lot of time off this 90 minute flick by fast fowarding through 'em.

The biggest detriment for me was that not a single one of these broads had natural boobs. WTF? I know guys that don't care about fake boobs because their logic is bigger is always better. I completely disagree. My feeling on the whole breast implant issue, as I'm sure you're just dying to know, is that implants, should one decide to get them, should only be used as an enhancement, not a replacement. I can't stand women with perfectly gorgeous A or B cups going straight to a D. That boggles my mind. THEY DON'T FUCKING MOVE! See, I like tits that talk. You know, when a girl is walking toward you and her breasts have that subtle movement that speak to you saying, "Hello, darling, it's so wonderful to see you again.". That's what I'm talking about. Breasts should be free to frolic (I'm a mixed bag when it comes to bras) and when a chick is lying on her back, they should naturally move to the sides a little bit (but not touch the floor, bed, kitchen island, front porch, sidewalk, car trunk, fishing pier, grave site, etc.). In a situation like that the last thing they should be doing is absolutely nothing. Those are the kind of tits that have their arms crossed, stomp their feet and refuse to cooperate.

Before zombification...

After zombification...

YIKES! That's quite a botched boob job you've got there, Ms. Jameson.

And judging by those tits, I'd say she was on her way to being a zombie before she agreed to do this picture. Look, I kind of knew what I was in for going into this but I did expect something more enjoyable. There a few decent laughs scattered throughout and more story than a picture like this deserves but there's just too much dull to avoid NOT reaching for the remote and wanting to move onto some other bad movie that has a much higher chance of having natural boobs. Plus, call me crazy, but I demand a better quality of acting from my strippers.

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