Thursday, December 11, 2008

Hitler's Harlot (1973)

Director: Hi Del (!)

Starring: Nancy Martin, Hans Lasch

More Info & Trailer: Something Weird Video

Plot: "The Commandant" (Wilson), an officer of the SS, and her assistant, Karl (Lasch), must find out the identity of John Paul, a resistance leader responsible for the "explosion at the foundry". Naturally, lots of sex follows.

My Rating: 4 (for the occasional laugh aided by alcohol)

Would I watch it again? Not even with your dick.

So I get home late Saturday night after a particularly stressful gig and I'm beat but not quite ready to retire for the evening. I had the great idea of making myself a drink and watching a movie. And, since it's technically Dec 7 (Pearl Harbor day), I thought some kind of WWII themed movie would do it. While skimming through my library of quality films I came across HITLER'S HARLOT and I suddenly had myself a winner. I'm thinkin', "hey, how bad can this be? I mean, hey, it's from '73 and it's got a great title that just screams exploitation - especially that of the Nazisploitation variety."

With my alcoholic beverage in hand (keeping it in line with WWII I made myself a White Russian) I slapped in what was sure to be the cinematic masterpiece of at least that night. The first thing I did was check the time remaining and it was perfect at 57 minutes. Great. I'll drink a little sump'm sump'm and watch a cheesy exploitation flick.

"Hi. Meine name ist Karl und Ich vill be your interrogator today."

As bad as this was and as gradually intoxicated as I became, I ended up taking 4 1/2 pages of notes!!! Here's my interpretation of that chicken scratch...

This was obviously made on whatever money some dude with a camera had in his wallet at the time after buying groceries and then being robbed at gunpoint. This opus opens with four people sitting in a hallway, three girls and one guy (a Karl Marx-lookin' fucker with a goat-ee, glasses and a Rooskie hat). Next we meet the only other two actors in this picture, "The Commandant" (I'll call her Inga) and her assistant, Karl. Karl brings in prisoner #1, a blonde, for Inga to interrogate her on her knowledge of "the explosion at the foundry". She knows nothing so Inga forces her to suck Karl's Nazi wang. HOLY FUCKING SHIT! IT'S A GODDAMED PORNO!!! I didn't sign up for this. I just wanted some cheesy sleaze! 54 more minutes to go.

"Next, please."

Inga has a wooden baton that she uses to violate #1 in her nether-cooze region. #1's ass, by the way, is riddled with zits and blemishes, like she'd just been blasted in the ass with a shotgun that morning. It's worth noting that #1 spends the next SEVERAL (I'm talking like 7-10) minutes blowing Karl with the imagination of table scraps. Back and forth. That's it! No tongue action, no lip movement, not facial expressions, NOTHING! It's just like how Elenor Roosevelt would have given a blow job 40 years AFTER her death. But hey, we get inter-cut shots of #1's blemished ass and The Great Baton Violation of '43.

In what has to be trick photography, Karl has an orgasm from the most boring un-erotic, un-feeling, amazingly inept blow job ever caught on film. I'm stymied how he was able to achieve an orgasm. I suspect foul play. Then FINALLY something different happens - Inga removes her SS uniform to reveal what we all suspected about female members of the SS - she's not wearing any underwear! Now she forces #1 to eat her which gives #1 the opportunity to prove that she really is that bad at giving head by essentially slowly nuzzling her face in Inga's pubes. Back and forth, side to side, with no technique or anything. I'm going to assume that since this is based on a true story that oral technique wasn't discovered/created until AFTER the war had ended and that this incident was probably the reason it was necessary to begin with. Can it get possibly better? You bet! This is all set to the music of Bernard Herrmann's brooding score to JOURNEY TO THE CENTER OF THE EARTH (1959)! I'm laughing my tipsy ass off at this point.

After repeatedly using the audio-looped line, "Tell me what you know about the explosion at the foundry.", Inga starts using the interrogation baton to masturbate. Now the music changes to the instrumental main title from the James Bond film, ON HER MAJESTY'S SECRET SERVICE (1969)!

After everybody's satisfied, Karl brings prisoner #2 in by the ear like she's 5 years old. #1 helps hold her down while Karl "interrogates" her to the music from a Miklos Rozsa film score I'm not familiar with. This is great, by the way, for film music buffs to test their mad skills. So I'm thinking to myself, "You know what would be great? If Inga would pull on the pubes of #2 to get her to tell us the identity of John Paul." NO FUCKING WAY! That's what happens next. Inga pulls on them like she's fascinated at the sight of seeing the skin beneath the pubes rise and fall. And kind of like she's pulling cotton or something.

Now Karl's getting another boring-ass BJ, this time from #2, with some cheesy early 70s pop song (in the vein of Age of Aquarius but not even in the ball park as good) with the lyric, "I love how you love me". Hey! Back to the pube pull set to the main theme from THE GODFATHER (1972)!!!

The Karl Marx lookalike (#3) is brought in and now we've got us a good old-fashioned Nazi/Jew 4-way. #2's limp, un-responsive body is later dragged into the hallway leaving the last female prisoner, #4, alone with her. She feels sad for #2 and kneels down to her naked body to see if perhaps she's still alive and to attend to her wounds. That doesn't last but a few seconds before it turns into fondling and, surprise, #4 unbuttons her blouse to reveal her anti-Nazi boobs. This is all inter-cut with Inga trying to get what she wants out of #3, giggidy, and eventually gets a confession that it was in fact the infamous John Paul that is responsible "for the explosion at the foundry". But not before Inga gets some 69 action to the tune of the Panzer Song from Benjamin Frankel's score to BATTLE OF THE BULGE (1965). Oh, and what was the confession-yielding act of torture?

Apparently all it takes is wrapping a belt around his junk. I'm sure the 69 session helped soften him up. Cue Bernard Herrmann's music from FAHRENHEIT 451 (1966).

And would you believe that Karl is the only actor who even tries a German accent and it's absolutely horrible? Never would've guessed it.

What happens next is what legends are made of. It's the sort of act of bravery that you hear about and occasionally see in films that have the courage to try and translate the truth. A resistance fighter shows up out of nowhere with a machine gun and saves the day. Does he kill Inga and Karl? Nope. He just flips them, hits them with his gun and threatens them with, "If I or one of my people catch you in town again after today, you're gonna be dead!" He then takes one of the naked prisoner chicks and leaves!!! I don't remember reading about that in any of the history books.

Can it get any better? Hell, yeah! Inga pulls herself into the hallway and starts making out with #4, the only person she hasn't fucked yet. It turns into another 69 session. After everyone gets off, they kiss and cuddle, setting aside their differences as Nazi interrogator and prisoner and thereby bringing an end to WWII and one of the greatest untold true stories to emerge from that bloodiest of wars.

I am one of the lucky ones. I survived this flick. There are those who did not and it is to them I will pay tribute the best way I know how...and that's make a T-Shirt celebrating the occasion (now available for only $19.95!)

As you can see by the cover art at the top, this is on a double bill with NAZI LOVE ISLAND (1980). Gee, I can't WAIT for that one. Maybe I'll watch it next year on Armistice Day or Flag Day.

I'm stunned that it's taken this long to get around to watching a Nazisploitation flick. Soon to be reviewed...ILSA, SHE WOLF OF THE SS (1975).

UPDATE: OMFG! You kids are in luck! Thanks to R.C.'s recent post (see below), she's discovered where you can view this most recent addition to the Smithsonian Archives; a pristine print complete with optional commentary by director and film historian/preservationist Martin Scorsese!!! VIEW PART ONE / VIEW PART TWO