Thursday, December 11, 2008

Hitler's Harlot (1973)


Director: Hi Del (!)

Starring: Nancy Martin, Hans Lasch

More Info & Trailer: Something Weird Video

Plot: "The Commandant" (Wilson), an officer of the SS, and her assistant, Karl (Lasch), must find out the identity of John Paul, a resistance leader responsible for the "explosion at the foundry". Naturally, lots of sex follows.

My Rating: 4 (for the occasional laugh aided by alcohol)

Would I watch it again? Not even with your dick.

So I get home late Saturday night after a particularly stressful gig and I'm beat but not quite ready to retire for the evening. I had the great idea of making myself a drink and watching a movie. And, since it's technically Dec 7 (Pearl Harbor day), I thought some kind of WWII themed movie would do it. While skimming through my library of quality films I came across HITLER'S HARLOT and I suddenly had myself a winner. I'm thinkin', "hey, how bad can this be? I mean, hey, it's from '73 and it's got a great title that just screams exploitation - especially that of the Nazisploitation variety."

With my alcoholic beverage in hand (keeping it in line with WWII I made myself a White Russian) I slapped in what was sure to be the cinematic masterpiece of at least that night. The first thing I did was check the time remaining and it was perfect at 57 minutes. Great. I'll drink a little sump'm sump'm and watch a cheesy exploitation flick.

"Hi. Meine name ist Karl und Ich vill be your interrogator today."

As bad as this was and as gradually intoxicated as I became, I ended up taking 4 1/2 pages of notes!!! Here's my interpretation of that chicken scratch...

This was obviously made on whatever money some dude with a camera had in his wallet at the time after buying groceries and then being robbed at gunpoint. This opus opens with four people sitting in a hallway, three girls and one guy (a Karl Marx-lookin' fucker with a goat-ee, glasses and a Rooskie hat). Next we meet the only other two actors in this picture, "The Commandant" (I'll call her Inga) and her assistant, Karl. Karl brings in prisoner #1, a blonde, for Inga to interrogate her on her knowledge of "the explosion at the foundry". She knows nothing so Inga forces her to suck Karl's Nazi wang. HOLY FUCKING SHIT! IT'S A GODDAMED PORNO!!! I didn't sign up for this. I just wanted some cheesy sleaze! 54 more minutes to go.

"Next, please."

Inga has a wooden baton that she uses to violate #1 in her nether-cooze region. #1's ass, by the way, is riddled with zits and blemishes, like she'd just been blasted in the ass with a shotgun that morning. It's worth noting that #1 spends the next SEVERAL (I'm talking like 7-10) minutes blowing Karl with the imagination of table scraps. Back and forth. That's it! No tongue action, no lip movement, not facial expressions, NOTHING! It's just like how Elenor Roosevelt would have given a blow job 40 years AFTER her death. But hey, we get inter-cut shots of #1's blemished ass and The Great Baton Violation of '43.

In what has to be trick photography, Karl has an orgasm from the most boring un-erotic, un-feeling, amazingly inept blow job ever caught on film. I'm stymied how he was able to achieve an orgasm. I suspect foul play. Then FINALLY something different happens - Inga removes her SS uniform to reveal what we all suspected about female members of the SS - she's not wearing any underwear! Now she forces #1 to eat her which gives #1 the opportunity to prove that she really is that bad at giving head by essentially slowly nuzzling her face in Inga's pubes. Back and forth, side to side, with no technique or anything. I'm going to assume that since this is based on a true story that oral technique wasn't discovered/created until AFTER the war had ended and that this incident was probably the reason it was necessary to begin with. Can it get possibly better? You bet! This is all set to the music of Bernard Herrmann's brooding score to JOURNEY TO THE CENTER OF THE EARTH (1959)! I'm laughing my tipsy ass off at this point.


After repeatedly using the audio-looped line, "Tell me what you know about the explosion at the foundry.", Inga starts using the interrogation baton to masturbate. Now the music changes to the instrumental main title from the James Bond film, ON HER MAJESTY'S SECRET SERVICE (1969)!

After everybody's satisfied, Karl brings prisoner #2 in by the ear like she's 5 years old. #1 helps hold her down while Karl "interrogates" her to the music from a Miklos Rozsa film score I'm not familiar with. This is great, by the way, for film music buffs to test their mad skills. So I'm thinking to myself, "You know what would be great? If Inga would pull on the pubes of #2 to get her to tell us the identity of John Paul." NO FUCKING WAY! That's what happens next. Inga pulls on them like she's fascinated at the sight of seeing the skin beneath the pubes rise and fall. And kind of like she's pulling cotton or something.

Now Karl's getting another boring-ass BJ, this time from #2, with some cheesy early 70s pop song (in the vein of Age of Aquarius but not even in the ball park as good) with the lyric, "I love how you love me". Hey! Back to the pube pull set to the main theme from THE GODFATHER (1972)!!!


The Karl Marx lookalike (#3) is brought in and now we've got us a good old-fashioned Nazi/Jew 4-way. #2's limp, un-responsive body is later dragged into the hallway leaving the last female prisoner, #4, alone with her. She feels sad for #2 and kneels down to her naked body to see if perhaps she's still alive and to attend to her wounds. That doesn't last but a few seconds before it turns into fondling and, surprise, #4 unbuttons her blouse to reveal her anti-Nazi boobs. This is all inter-cut with Inga trying to get what she wants out of #3, giggidy, and eventually gets a confession that it was in fact the infamous John Paul that is responsible "for the explosion at the foundry". But not before Inga gets some 69 action to the tune of the Panzer Song from Benjamin Frankel's score to BATTLE OF THE BULGE (1965). Oh, and what was the confession-yielding act of torture?


Apparently all it takes is wrapping a belt around his junk. I'm sure the 69 session helped soften him up. Cue Bernard Herrmann's music from FAHRENHEIT 451 (1966).

And would you believe that Karl is the only actor who even tries a German accent and it's absolutely horrible? Never would've guessed it.

What happens next is what legends are made of. It's the sort of act of bravery that you hear about and occasionally see in films that have the courage to try and translate the truth. A resistance fighter shows up out of nowhere with a machine gun and saves the day. Does he kill Inga and Karl? Nope. He just flips them, hits them with his gun and threatens them with, "If I or one of my people catch you in town again after today, you're gonna be dead!" He then takes one of the naked prisoner chicks and leaves!!! I don't remember reading about that in any of the history books.


Can it get any better? Hell, yeah! Inga pulls herself into the hallway and starts making out with #4, the only person she hasn't fucked yet. It turns into another 69 session. After everyone gets off, they kiss and cuddle, setting aside their differences as Nazi interrogator and prisoner and thereby bringing an end to WWII and one of the greatest untold true stories to emerge from that bloodiest of wars.

I am one of the lucky ones. I survived this flick. There are those who did not and it is to them I will pay tribute the best way I know how...and that's make a T-Shirt celebrating the occasion (now available for only $19.95!)

As you can see by the cover art at the top, this is on a double bill with NAZI LOVE ISLAND (1980). Gee, I can't WAIT for that one. Maybe I'll watch it next year on Armistice Day or Flag Day.

I'm stunned that it's taken this long to get around to watching a Nazisploitation flick. Soon to be reviewed...ILSA, SHE WOLF OF THE SS (1975).

UPDATE: OMFG! You kids are in luck! Thanks to R.C.'s recent post (see below), she's discovered where you can view this most recent addition to the Smithsonian Archives; a pristine print complete with optional commentary by director and film historian/preservationist Martin Scorsese!!! VIEW PART ONE / VIEW PART TWO

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

The Jim Rose Circus Sideshow (1993)


Director: Jonathan Dayton & Valerie Faris

Starring: Jim Rose, Bebe the Circus Queen, Matt 'The Tube' Crowley, The Amazing Mr. Lifto, The Enigma, The Torture King

More Info: IMDB

Plot: February 5, 1993, in front of a standing room-only-crowd at Seattle's Moore Theatre, impresario Jim Rose performs his own odd tricks - putting a screwdriver up his nose, pounding a nail into his head, and pushing his face into broken glass. He also introduces and provides a running commentary on four other sideshow performers: Mr. Lifto, who can lift and swing heavy objects from various body piercings, the Torture King, who turns himself into a human pincushion, the Enigma, who swallows worms, crickets, and swords, and Matt "The Tube" Crowley, who ingests various things into his nose, mouth, and stomach and bring them back out. The crowd goes wild.

My Rating: 7/10

Would I watch it again? Does vomit-inducing freak show acts sound like a great night for a first date? You betcha!

This is some train-wreck sick shit and it's fucking awesome. I mean come on; a guy, through a tube, has all kinds of stuff poured down his throat, throws it back up and audience members are encouraged to come on stage and drink some. AND THEY DO! It's bloody fucking disgusting. Stomach-churning at least. Woof. It's really amazing what these people do, showing us some extremes in what the human body can endure. It's pre-Jackass Jackassicity. It's definitely something that should be thrown on the tube when the party starts to fade and you're left with the diehards. Even at only 35 minutes, it could easily clear the room. And if your girlfriend or boyfriend stick it out with you then you know it's love.

Here's the entire show in 6 parts:











Tuesday, October 7, 2008

Commando (1985)


Director: Mark L. Lester

Starring: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Rae Dawn Chong, Dan Hedaya, Vernon Wells, Bill Duke, David Patrick Kelly

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: Somewhere... somehow... someone's going to pay!

Plot: A retired elite commando has only a few hours to find and rescue his daughter from an exiled dictator.



My Rating: 6/10

Would I watch it again? Maybe in another twenty years

This was easily one of my favorite 80s action movies for a long time. That was until, after about a dozen years, I saw it again. It's still fun but it hasn't held up as well as some others. It's the perfect Arnold vehicle. This movie's got more of his cheesy one-liners that are memorable than any other. Savor these:

[Matrix has thrown a pipe through Bennett]
Matrix: Let off some steam, Bennett.

Matrix: Remember, Sully, when I promised to kill you last?
Sully: That's right, Matrix! You did!
Matrix: I lied.
[Matrix releases Sully, who falls to his demise]

Cindy: What happened to Sully?
Matrix: I let him go.

Matrix: [after killing a man in the plane] Don't disturb my friend, he's dead tired.

Gen. Kirby: Leave anything for us?
Matrix: Just bodies.

Rambo: First Blood Part II (1985)


Director: George P. Cosmatos

Starring: Sylvester Stallone, Richard Crenna, Charles Napier

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: What most people call hell, he calls home.

Plot: Former Green Beret John Rambo is serving time in a federal prison. When the US military hears of American soldiers missing in action from the Vietnam war possibly still being alive and held captive, Colonel Trautman is authorized to send Rambo in to rescue them.



My Rating: 7/10

Would I watch it again? Does Mongo like candy?

Probably two years ago I FINALLY saw FIRST BLOOD and loved it. I watched this one the night before RAMBO opened in January. I LOVED that one. FB sets up the character but he's there to survive, not kill which is what he's best at. In R:FBP2 he gets to kill, kill and kill. So it's basically giving us what we wanted after the first one.

I can't believe I'm just now seeing these movies more than twenty years after their release. This one's not the greatest but it is a lot of fun. You won't find any awards for acting but if there was one for excessive cheese, it'd be in the running. This movie is loaded with stuff that's associated with 80s action movies. It seems to me, after looking up other movies, that this was the movie that ushered in these cliche's which means it wasn't cliched then. It was fresh. This movie is essentially the poster child for the 80s action flick. It's fun.

Massacre Mafia Style (aka The Executioner) (1978)


Director: Duke Mitchell

Starring: Duke Mitchell

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: You're IN... or... you're IN THE WAY!

Plot: Mimi (Mitchell) is the son of a mob boss who wants revenge on the American Mafia for exiling his old man 16 years earlier. In the States, he teams up with his buddy, Vic, to finish the job and to take a big piece of the action for himself.



My Rating: 9/10

Would I watch it again? Fuck,yeah!

WOW! Here's a hidden gem if there ever was one. It's easily on of the best mafia movies ever. It's in the same company as THE GODFATHER and GOODFELLAS. It just has no budget compared to those two.

I first heard about Duke Mitchell when I saw a trailer for BELA LUGOSI MEETS A BROOKLYN GORILLA (1952) where he was paired up with Sammy Petrillo, a spittin' image of Jerry Lewis. It turns out these two guys did a Martin & Lewis act for a time.

Mitchell was a lounge singer in Vegas in his later years. Frank Sinatra, a good friend of Mitchell's, once said that Duke Mitchell was the best singer he ever heard. And I seem to recall that Sinatra was one of many big names at his funeral.

MMS is low budget, realistically written and acted by many real, regular people which adds to the realism. It's mind-blowing that this movie isn't well know. Did you watch the above trailer yet? Not enough for you? Here's the first four minutes then:



How 'bout THEM apples? The whole picture's like this. Brutal as fuck and funny.

Duke followed this up with another mafia film called, GONE WITH THE POPE. He completed it but died before it was edited. It's been rumored for years that it's finally going to be released but I'm still waiting. Enjoy this beautiful piece of cinema:



This is at the very top of films I'm dying to see. I can only hope that they will release it soon and release MMS in it's proper scope. Until then, this Dutch VHS copy I have will have to do. If you can't find it let me know. I want everybody to see this and I'll do what I can.

Bubba Ho-tep (2002)


Director: Don Coscarelli

Starring: Bruce Campbell, Ossie Davis

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: You don't fuck with the king.

Plot: Elvis and JFK, both alive and in nursing homes, fight for the souls of their fellow residents as they battle an ancient Egyptian Mummy.



My Rating: 8/10

Would I watch it again? Are deep-fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches a healthy way to start your day? Yes.

This movie rocks. It's so outrageous. It moves slowly so don't go in thinking it's going to be rock & roll, break-neck speed batshit nuts. It is batshit nuts, though. Bruce Campbell should be in everything. He's hysterical as Elvis and Davis is a riot as JFK. Inspired casting.

There are so many great lines in this it's hard to pick my favorite but I'll give it a shot.

Elvis: That's it? I mean, we're investigating a scuttling in the hall, trying to figure out who attacked you last night, and you bring me here
to look at stick pictures on the shit house wall, man?

or

JFK: He had me on the floor. I had his mouth over my asshole!
Elvis: A shiteater?
JFK: I don't think so. He was after my soul. Now you can get that out of any major orifice of a person's body. I read about it.
Elvis: Oh, yeah? Where, man? Hustler?

or

Elvis: But what do I care? I got a growth on my pecker.

or

Elvis: [to Bubba Ho-Tep] Come and get it, you undead sack of shit.

or

Elvis: Even a big bitch cockroach like you should know... never, but never, fuck with the King.

or

Elvis: It'd been two presidential elections since I'd had a boner like that.

or

Elvis: Ask not what your rest home can do for you. Ask what you can do for your rest home.
JFK: Hey, you're copying my best lines!
Elvis: Then let me paraphrase one of my own. Let's take care of business.
JFK: Just what are you getting at, Elvis?
Elvis: I think you know what I'm gettin' at Mr. President. We're gonna kill us a mummy.

Are you sold yet? It's a great little movie that most people have probably never heard of but it deserves to be seen. By the time you've reached the end you're ready for BUBBA NOSFERATU! Bring it.

The Running Man (1987)


Director: Paul Michael Glaser

Starring: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Maria Conchita Alonso, Yaphet Kotto, Jim Brown, Jesse Ventura, and RICHARD "FUCKING" DAWSON!!!

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: The year is 2019. The finest men in America don't run for President. They run for their lives.

Plot: A wrongly-convicted man must try to survive a public execution gauntlet staged as a TV game show.



My Rating: 8/10

Would I watch it again? Does free pizza at 4:20 sound like a good idea?

Man, I'd forgotten how much I love this film. All you really need to know is that RICHARD "FUCKING" DAWSON is in it. He's terrific. He's hysterical. He's perfect for this. It's too bad he didn't act more. Lots of fun.

Arnold's doing what Arnold does best. Lots of action and awfully cheesy one-liners fill this one up and then some. I find this picture much more enjoyable than TOTAL RECALL (1990).

Blade Runner (1982)


Director: Ridley Scott

Starring: Harrison Ford, Rutger Hauer, Sean Young, Edward James Olmos, M.Emmet Walsh, Daryl Hannah, William Sanderson, Brion James

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: Man Has Made His Match... Now It's His Problem

Plot: In a cyberpunk vision of the future, man has developed the technology to create replicants, human clones used to serve in the colonies outside Earth but with fixed lifespans. In Los Angeles, 2019, Deckard is a Blade Runner, a cop who specialises in terminating replicants. Originally in retirement, he is forced to re-enter the force when six replicants escape from an offworld colony to Earth.



My Rating: 8/10

Would I watch it again? Yes

#48 on SCI-FI TRAILERS VOLUME 9 & 10 (part of the TRAILER TRASH PROJECT)

I've got this on Blu-ray. You should, too. It's absolutely beautiful. I remember watching this on VHS twenty something odd years ago and falling asleep on it then. Now with the stunning Blu-ray disc I'm able to sit through the whole thing and stay awake. Yeah, it's a slow moving film, but with Scott, it's all about atmosphere.

It really is a great film but the pacing hurts it for most people. I really like the changes made in the Final Cut version eliminating the narration. I always hated that. It's the Final Cut of the film that I will be watching from now on. The second disc of the set features a 214 minute documentary on every aspect you'd want to know about the film. It's absorbing and exhausting...just like the movie.

Terminator 2: Judgment Day (1991)


Director: John Cameron

Starring: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Linda Hamilton, Edward Furlong, Robert patrick

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: It's nothing personal.

Plot: The cyborg who once tried to kill Sarah Connor must now protect her teenager son, John Connor, from an even more powerful and advanced cyborg.



My Rating: 6/10

Would I watch it again? Does a French whore shave her armpits?

Obviously, you know next to nothing about French whores. No.

I'm going to be brief. I don't need to see this again. I haven't seen it in 15 years; long enough to have forgotten how fucking awful Furlong is as Sarah's kid and long enough to have forgotten how many shitty lines of dialogue Arnold has. "Hasta la vista, baby"? I mean come the fuck ON. Then there's him saying, "No problemo.", "Chill out, dickwad" and "I need a vacation." The first Terminator movie was amazing. He was a badass. And now that character has turned into a cartoon character. Not unlike the difference between Han Solo from EMPIRE and Han Solo in JEDI. It breaks my heart. I feel sad and now I must drink.

NOTE TO FUTURE SELF: What you remember of T2 are only the good bits but you will inevitably forget about the stupid shit. You'll remember this as a decent movie that had potential. What you'll forget is they made a mistake in the advertising by letting people know Arnold is now a good Terminator. I'm letting you know now that I'm spending a few minutes typing this to save you (me) from spending over two hours watching this again and getting pissed.

Auto Focus (2002)


Director: Paul Schrader

Starring: Greg Kinnear, Willem Dafoe, Rita Wilson, Maria Bello

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: A day without sex is a day wasted.

Plot: Capitalizing on his fame as the star of "Hogan's Heroes," Bob Crane(Greg Kinnear) dove into the freewheeling spirit of the 60s and 70s with relish, having affairs with numerous women. Eventually, Crane teamed up with video technician John Carpenter to document his exploits, an association that may very well have led to his murder in a Scottsdale,Arizona motel room in 1978, which remains officially unsolved to this day.



My Rating: 8/10

Would I watch it again? After a few drinks and a handful of Hoagan's Heroes episodes...and sex

As a kid in the 70s I watched a lot of TV. My two favorite shows were THE CAROL BURNETT SHOW and HOGAN'S HEROES. As far as I was concerned those were it. So, naturally, when a movie comes out about Bob Crane with actors I dig, I was all over it. This is my second viewing.

Although light-hearted in tone for the first third of the picture (and tries to hold onto that vibe in pieces throughout) the viewer is sucked into Bob's world. As he starts his descent from stardom and family man,we are taken with him. The worse off he is, the worse we feel until finally, with his eventual murder, we're drained. Ya kinda feel like a shower afterwards to clean the past two hours off ya. That's the best way I can describe it.

Kinnear is outstanding as the charismatic, charming Crane. Dafoe is superb as Crane's creepy-as-fuck friend. The way Schrader plays with the tempo of the film works really well and there are some nice scenes where Crane starts to slowly lose it and question everything. If you'd like a trip to the gutter and you want to take your time getting there, then this movie is ripe for you.

Lady in the Water (2006)


Director: M. Night Shyamalan

Starring: Paul Giamatti, Bryce Dallas Howard, Jeffrey Wright, Bob Balaban, Bill Irwin

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: Time is running out for a happy ending.

Plot: Apartment building superintendent Cleveland Heep rescues what he thinks is a young woman from the pool he maintains. When he discovers that she is actually a character from a bedtime story who is trying to make the journey back to her home, he works with his tenants to protect
his new friend from the creatures that are determined to keep her in our world.



My Rating: 9/10

Would I watch it again? Yes, yes, yes

I've absolutely loved every film M. Night has put out until this year's THE HAPPENING (2008). See my review. It was hideous. But before that, LADY IN THE WATER happened. I was sorry not to have caught this in the theater. I didn't see it until I went over to Blu-ray. I avoid any spoilers to his films and I won't give anything away here. But,there is one thing I must say that will keep you from misunderstanding this film.

It's a fairy tale and you must treat it as such.

If you're looking for some SIXTH SENSE creepiness, you're not going to find it. If you're looking for a horror film, it's not here. What is here is a beautiful film that will, if you allow yourself to be a part of it, reinforce your love for movies. It's funny, creepy at times, sad and rewarding. M. Night's acting is the best it's been so far and everyone else is top notch. Bryce is a beauty (eh) and Giamatti is an acting Mo-Fo. I think you're better off coming into this film without any pre-conceived notions. I did and I think that the film was much better for it.

Le Doulos (1962)


Director: Jean-Pierre Melville

Starring: Jean-Paul Belmondo

More Info: IMDB

Plot: Burglar Maurice Faugel has just finished his sentence. He murders Gilbert Vanovre, a receiver, and steals the loot of a break-in. He is also preparing a house-breaking, and his friend Silien brings him the needed equipment. But Silien is a police informer ...



My Rating: 9/10

Would I watch it again? Does a French whore like wine?

I'll give the French this much: they my be fighting for last place in countries that think soap is a good idea but they damn well knew how to make crime movies back in the 1960s! When it comes to crime pictures of the 60s, Jean-Pierre Melville was king. That's all he did. From '56 to'72 he did ten films, all but two are crime stories. So far I've seen four and they're all excellent. At some point I'm going to revisit them and get to the ones I haven't seen yet.

Melville said once that this is a movie where "all characters are two-faced, all characters are false." The cinematography is simply stunning. The composition of each shot is magnificent. The beautiful B&W photography, the shadows, the darkness, the shifting light are all characters in their own right. Criterion put out a smashing DVD of this amazing work of art. Find it.

MoH 106: Homecoming (2005)


Director: Joe Dante

Starring: Jon Tenney, Thea Gill

More Info: IMDB

Plot: A publicity official for the U.S. Army finds that he might have to be working a lot more than he imagined, when the deceased soldiers of the war come back to life, looking for a few good men.



My Rating: 8/10

Would I watch it again? Is Amy Poehler HOT?

Joe Dante is an old favorite. PIRANHA (1978) was a great, fun JAWS rip-off, the GREMLINS pictures were great, MATINEE (1993) was lots of fun and he directed one of my all-time favorite movies, THE 'BURBS (1989). I love this guy's cinematic sense of humor. HOMECOMING isn't any different. It's a great political black comedy horror film. Because it's a MOH film, it's just under an hour. I had a special movie night on July 4th this year (see how far behind I am in these damn things?) and I wanted to show UNCLE SAM (1997) but that didn't arrive in time so I settled on this one. I'm glad I did. Everyone busted a gut on it. It's hysterical. Highly recommended.

Man on Fire (2004)


Director: Tony Scott

Starring: Denzel Washington, Dakota Fanning, Marc Anthony, Christopher Walken, Mickey Rourke

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: A Promise To Protect. A Vow To Avenge

Plot: In Mexico City, a former assassin swears vengeance on those who committed an unspeakable act against the family he was hired to protect.



My Rating: 7/10

Would I watch it again? Sure

Here's another "I've done bad things in the past. I'm a drunk because of my actions. I'm worthless but maybe there's a chance I might be able to redeem myself by doing this one thing" kind of movie. The difference is that it's directed by the most capable Tony Scott and it stars Denzel Washington.

I liked it. every once in a while I'd start bitching at the the TV because they were setting up cliches. Fortunately, the film makers heard my advice while I was watching it and they didn't go in some directions I thought they were. Thanks for turning a cliche on its end just for me. Hahaha.

The action's great, the setting is great and it's a very good film overall. Surprisingly singer Marc Anthony isn't that bad of an actor. He still needs work but it's a good start. Fanning is good but not THAT great like everyone says. She's definitely better than most every child actor out there now. It's good to see Walken doing something a little different. He gets some great lines including this one:

Rayburn (Walken): A man can be an artist... in anything, food, whatever. It depends on how good he is at it. Creasey's art is death. He's about to paint his masterpiece.

The 13the Warrior (1999)


Director: John McTiernan

Starring: Antonio Banderas, Omar Sharif, Vladimir Kulich

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: Prey for the living.

Plot: In the early years of the 10th century, an exiled Arabian nobleman falls in with a band of Vikings. Disgusted by their poor hygiene and their barbaric ways, he nevertheless reluctantly agrees to accompany them to a distant kingdom, where an unspeakable menace terrorizes the land.



My Rating: 8/10

Would I watch it again? YES!

WOW! If you haven't seen this and 10th century adventure stories are right up your alley, then you need this, and badly. Banderas is the big name in the picture but he's not the real star of the film. That belongs more to Kulich (as Buliwyf (Beowulf)) than any other. Sure, Banderas is all through it but he's not the real hero. He's just along for the ride; and what a ride it is.

There's tons of action, gore and whatnot but it's the care and quality of it all that McTiernan put into it. He's taking it seriously and it shows. You want to know what else is great? THEY ACTUALLY HIRED ACTORS FROM NORWAY, DENMARK, SWEDEN, EASTERN EUROPE!!! It gave it a more realistic sense of time and place with actors that naturally look the part and sound the part. I get so pissed when you see a film and it's a bunch of pretty boys from California trying to be something they're not - MEN. These guys are hardcore badasses.

Great score by Jerry Goldsmith and location shooting. Oh, and there's the language barrier of Banderas' character (who spoke Arabic, not Norse(or whatever)) begins to learn the language over a series of campfire discussions by the men. He picks up a word here and there (they are not speaking English yet) in English and eventually is able to piece together some conversation. When one of them talks trash about Banderas, he shoots back in their tongue, thereby gaining the much-needed respect of the group.

Skeld the Superstitious: Blow-hards the both of you. She probably was some smoke-colored camp girl. Looked like that one's mother.

[Laughter]

Ahmed Ibn Fahdlan (Banderas): My mother was a pure woman from a noble family. And I, at least, know who my father is, you pig-eating son of a whore!

In the Navy (1941)


Director: Arthur Lubin

Starring: Abbott & Costello, Dick Powell, Claire Dodd, The Andrews Sisters, Shemp Howard

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: THE FLEET'S ALL IN...Since Those Riotous "Buck Privates" Abbott and Costello Joined Up!

Plot: Famous radio-crooner Russ Raymond is tired of it all and enlists in the Navy under his true-name, Tommy Halstead, and boards an airplane for San Diego. There he is tentatively identified as the missing-singer by Dorothy Roberts, newspaper camerawoman. To get past the sentries, Dorothy escorts the Andrews Sisters, booked for an appearance at the San Diego Naval Training Station, and takes up Raymond's trail. She runs into Smoky Adams, an electrician's mate, Pomeroy Watson, a pastry cook, and "Dynamite" Dugan, a hard-boiled chief petty officer. Dorothy learns that Raymond has been assigned to the U.S.S. Alabama, and she boards the ship on visitor's day and stows away in a locker with the intention of taking a photograph of Raymond. Smoky and Pomeroy find her after the ship has sailed for Honolulu.



My Rating: 7/10

Would I watch it again? You betcha

I love A&C. As a little kid I'd run around yelling, "Heeeyyyyy Abbooooottt!" Now, I'm not sayin' that everything they did was gold but they had some great moments. This is one of them. They always played their stage personas. Nothing ever really changed THAT much with their characters. They're very likable and fun to watch.

They almost always had at least one routine that probably originated in their stage routines. There was the "lemon shell game", the "Sons of Neptune" initiation on the battleship, and the best of all, the scene where Costello tries to prove to Abbott that 7x13 = 28. I was howling.



And then there's some GREAT lines like:

Bud (as Smokey): Did you ever to to school, stupid?
Lou (as Pomeroy): Yeah, and I come out the same way.

Great stuff. The picture's full lines like that. Then you've got Dick Powell. This guy's a scream. If you're not familiar with him he's like Carey Grant but funnier. He directed quite a bit, too. And then there's The Andrews Sisters. It's neat to see them act (even better to see them perform). It's obvious that acting wasn't their forte but it works well enough for what this is.

If you've never seen an A&C movie I'd suggest starting with BUCK PRIVATES (1941) or ABBOTT & COSTELLO MEET FRANKENSTEIN (1948). If you're sold on them at that point then give IN THE NAVY a try. You'll love it.

Total Recall (1990)


Director: Paul Verhoeven

Starring: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sharon Stone, Ronny Cox, Michael Ironside

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: They stole his mind, now he wants it back.

Plot: When a man goes for virtual vacation memories of the planet Mars, an unexpected and harrowing series of events forces him to go to the planet for real, or does he?



My Rating: 7/10

Would I watch it again? Yeah, when I'm 64

I dig Arnold. I really do. The guy's a marketing genius. He's a great movie star, not an actor. What I don't like sometimes is that his movies are "Arnold" movies so they have to have a good deal of cornball one-liners. If you've been reading this blog you know I LOVE a good sci-fi film. Sci-fi and horror fans are very forgiving sometimes if a film in these genres has a good story but it misses the mark usually due to budget constraints. My big issue with this great mind-fuck of a movie is that it's got way too much of Arnold's crappy jokes and macho bullshit. Other than that, it's fun.

If this movie had a good actor in the Arnold role, a fraction of the budget AND had been treated seriously, it probably could have been one of the great sci-fi films of the past 30 years.Most people remember it as the movie that has the chick with three boobs. Get over it, people, they're fake. At least the one on the far right is.

Too many notes. Just cut a few.

The Ruins (2008)


Director: Carter Smith

Starring: People I've never heard of

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: Terror has evolved.

Plot: A group of friends whose leisurely Mexican holiday takes a turn for the worse when they, along with a fellow tourist embark on a remote archaeological dig in the jungle, where something evil lives among the ruins.



My Rating: 5/10

Would I watch it again? No.

I try and stay away from a good deal of "pop" horror films like this. There's a reason and I'll spell it out.

1 - They usually have not-so-good, too "typically" pretty and too young actors and actresses.

2 - The premise is the equivalent to a one-joke movie

3 - If the premise is actually a good, sound one, they usually fuck up the execution.

4 - If 3 works then they totally fuck up the ending leaving you to wonder what you could have gotten somewhere else for that 20 bucks you just blew on a movie, corn & coke.

With THE RUINS, the actors are actually pretty decent, the premise has some potential (not much), the location is great, the execution is weaker than I would have liked it with a bit too many "cheap" scares (the inside of the mound was neat - I wanted more of that), and, even though I cool with the final shot, the ending is preposterous. I've heard the ending of the book is better. Fine, but I'm watching the movie, not reading the book. If I wanted to do that I'd have to learn to read first. Baby steps.

Trancers (1985)


Director: Charles Band

Starring: Tim Thomerson, Helen Hunt

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: Jack Deth is back... and he's never even been here before!

Plot: Jack Deth is a kind of cop/bounty hunter in the bleak Los Angeles of the future. He's become obsessed with chasing Whistler - an evil criminal who uses powerful hypnotic powers to convert people into zombie like creatures known as trancers. Whistler has managed to escape through time travel and is loose in 1980s L.A. but Deth is on his trail.



My Rating: 7/10

Would I watch it again? Damn, straight!

This is great low budget, sci-fi, TERMINATOR knock-off, 80s fun. Like I mentioned in my review of DOLLMAN (1991), Tim Thomerson kicks ass and makes a great action hero. In TRANCERS, he's got that 40s detective dialogue and straight-face down pat. And he's from the future. The script is lean and quick and that patented humor of Thomerson's is scattered throughout. The small budget only hurts in the special effects department, but if you're used to that early-to-mid 80s brand of effects then it's nothing new for you. It really helps the film because nothing in this film is trying to be Oscar-worthy; it's just trying to be a lot of fun and it succeeds with flying colors.

The Adventures of Buckaroo Bonzai Across the 8th Dimension (1984)


Director: W.D. Richter

Starring: Peter Weller, John Lithgow, Ellen Barkin, Jeff Goldblum, Christopher Lloyd, Clancy Brown, Vincent Schiavelli

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: Beings from Another Dimension have invaded your world.

Plot: Buckaroo Banzai is a rock-star/brain-surgeon/comic-book-hero/samurai/ etc who along with his group, the Hong Kong Cavaliers, must stop evil creatures from the 8th dimension
(all named John) who are trying to conquer our dimension. He is helped by Penny Pretty, who is a dead ringer for his late wife, and some good extra-dimensional beings who look and talk like they are from Jamaica.



My Rating: 6/10

Would I watch it again? Maybe in another twenty years or so

I haven't seen this since the 80s. I remember liking it OK back then and I still have the same feelings about it. I especially like the bizarre, quirky, unorthodox route that the film takes. The characters are outrageous and often funny. But after a while the film starts to lose steam and it feels like it goes on too long. It's a very special kind of film with some truly wacky, crazy shit going on and it's easy to see why it has such rabid fans. While I dug it, it's not as consistent as it needs to be to sustain its 103 minute run time.

BigbooTAY!

Kill Bill (all of it) (2003)


Director: Quentin Tarantino

Starring: Uma Thurman, David Carradine, Michael Parks, and a shitload of others

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: Here comes the bride

Plot: The Bride wakes up after a long coma. The baby that she carried before entering the coma is gone. The only thing on her mind is to have revenge on the assassination team that betrayed her - a team she was once part of.

Kill Bill 1 Trailer:



Kill Bill 2 Trailer:



My Rating: 10/10

Would I watch it again? Duh

I love Tarantino's films. In interviews he's a pompous, conceited egomaniac, but his films kick all kinds of ass. I saw both parts of KB four times each in the theater. I couldn't get enough. Everything about it is magnificent. The dialogue, music, story. Everything. Tarantino gets, often times, the absolute best performances out of his actors. I've never seen Uma better, and I don't recall seeing Carradine better than he is here.

Michael Parks is a character acting genius. To see him as Earl McGraw in part one and then have him turn up UNRECOGNIZABLE in part two as Esteban Vihaio and give an amazing performance in two completely different types of rolls is just...amazing.

Then there's the anti-climactic ending bothers an awful lot of people.

PULP SPOILERS

Bill is clearly advancing in his age. He does have some fight in him but he's past his prime and probably hasn't engaged in massive close combat like he's about to with Uma. He's certainly in no condition to match her considering that she's taken on dozens of highly skilled killers and beaten or killed them on her way to get to Bill. She's going to win if it came down to it. He knows it and she knows it. He has his Q&A time with Uma and starts drinking. They take the conversation outside. He's tipsy and ready to die. In a matter of four or so seconds she complies and kills him. So there's no big fight. Bill chose that death rather than fight it. He accepted his fate for wronging Uma. He deserved it and he knew it. End of story. Up to this point we had been treated to one fantastic fight after another and to have the film end this way, with the opportunity to catch our breath and absorb, was a ballsy choice and the right choice.

END OF SPOILERS...YARRRRRR!

People claim that this is Tarantino's Spaghetti Western. Where? How? He makes great use of some SW music from other films, there is a location in the American desert and this has a revenge theme but it's not a SW. Maybe someone can explain it to me. I have over 300 Spaghetti Westerns and I've watched a fair share. I don't see it.

I do have to comment on the obvious greedy bastards at Mirimax that are responsible for the release of this film on DVD. It's outrageously over-priced and the lame extras of literally fluff just don't cut it. They just released both films on Blu-ray with a list price of $35 each! Outrageous. So essentially the MSRP is 70 bucks for one film. Granted, you can get them cheaper but even at 45 for the whole thing it's just wrong. Bastards!

The Silencers (1966)

Director: Phil Karlson

Starring: Dean Martin, Stella Stevens, Victor Buono, James Gregory

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: Follow Matt Helm secret agent from bedroom to bedlam with guns, girls and dynamite!

Plot: In this, the first Matt Helm movie, we see Matt Helm coaxed out of semi-retirement by an attractive ex-partner. It seems that the evil Big O organization has a nefarious plan called "Operation: Fallout." If this plan comes to fruition, Big O will explode an atomic bomb over Alamagordo, NM, and start WWIII. Only Matt Helm can stop them.



My Rating: 6/10

Would I watch it again? I'd rather make a martini and remember the good times...

I love Dean Martin. I...LOVE...Dean Martin. He was "The Man". No one was as natural and smooth as a performer on screen or stage as Dean. He always looks like he's having fun and when he's in something lighthearted like this it's even better. He's clearly having a good time. I just wish I could have as much fun watching this as he had making it. But then a 6-figure paycheck at the end would have helped me a bit.

I remember seeing this a gazillion years ago and my opinion hasn't changed. There are some funny-ass moments (a bunch with one of my favorite character actors, James Gregory) but the few gems we get don't do enough to get me as comfortably through the 102 minute run time as I would have liked. He's just oozing with charisma that it's a shame he wasn't given more funny bits. Dean is a very relaxed performer and this is a very relaxed film. It's not really a bad film. It's just that it's not really a good one, either; not as good as it should have been and for a
film that spawned 3 sequels.

Great title song.

Sleepaway Camp (1983)


Director: Robert Hiltzik

Starring: Nobodys

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: ...you won't be coming home!

Plot: Slightly disturbed and painfully shy Angela Baker is sent away to summer camp with her cousin. Not long after Angela's arrival, things start to go horribly wrong for anyone with sinister or less than honorable intentions.



My Rating: 6/10

Would I watch it again? With the right company. Why not?

I'm not going to sugar-coat this and say it's a great movie. It's not. It's a product of its' time. There's nothing done here that hasn't been done before and since. The acting is pretty bad, sometimes, and the outfits are HYSTERICALLY bad. But I laughed my fucking ass off and had a great time. Naturally, it helps to watch this kind of cheese with friends and booze. Without that my rating and enjoyment would have probably been lower.

There is a great twist ending which is what I gather gave this film its notoriety. Unfortunately, that was the one thing I knew about the film going into it. I still had a good time playing along with the film maker's attempt to keep us guessing until the very end. I doubt the sequels are as innocent and fun as this but that's something I'm kind of looking forward to finding out for myself.

Thursday, October 2, 2008

Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow (2004)


Director: Kerry Conran

Starring: Jude Law, Gwyneth Paltrow

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: The Battle for Tomorrow is About to Begin...

Plot: After New York City receives a series of attacks from giant flying robots, a reporter teams up with a pilot in search of their origin, as well as the reason for the disappearances of famous scientists around the world.



My Rating: 7/10

Would I watch it again? Do the kids like to jump up and down on Angelina Jolie's lips?

I love serials of the 30s and 40s and this flick is right up my alley. It's got the look and feel for them. Fantastic. The score by Edward Shearmur is great, especially the rousing hero theme. The design of the giant robots are cool as hell. Law was a blast as the hero, Paltrow can sometimes get annoying with that pouty look (but not nearly as bad as Rene Zellwegger) and Jolie is good for a change. I think the eye patch helped a lot...less of her face is visible. And the payoff of Paltrow's obsession with her camera is tremendously funny making it easily one of the best, abrupt and original endings I've seen. I would have loved to have seen this in a theater back in the 70s as a kid. It's too bad they won't be revisiting these characters again. I thoroughly enjoyed it.

The Bank Job (2008)


Director: Roger Donaldson

Starring: Jason Statham

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: The true story of a heist gone wrong... in all the right ways.

Plot: Martine offers Terry a lead on a foolproof bank hit on London's Baker Street. She targets a roomful of safe deposit boxes worth millions in cash and jewelry. But Terry and his crew don't realize the boxes also contain a treasure trove of dirty secrets - secrets that will thrust them into a deadly web of corruption and illicit scandal.



My Rating: 8/10

Would I watch it again? After some time has past

I dig a good heist film and it seems like a long time that I've seen one. Well, here it is. It even takes place in London in the early 70s. Even better. I dig it. It's a fun film but it might play a little more serious than some would want. I like the political aspect of it. The build-up and the execution are great but it's the aftermath that gets most of the screen time. It's pretty tense and, not knowing the outcome of the players this is based on, I had no idea what was going to happen to whom. Good stuff.

I know I often times will bring out something sexual to discuss in a film. It's largely for laughs if it isn't obvious. Well, I'm watching the film and there's a scene in a brothel where women are walking around completely nude. One girl serving drinks walks by pretty quickly but something was amiss. After asking everyone else if lower half looked odd no one could think of a reason. So I grab the remote and freeze that shot. Sure as shit, she's wearing a merkin, a pubic wig. Some of the actresses were shaven and that wasn't the style back then so they had to wear merkins. Classic. Chalk one up for 'ole eagle eyes.

THX 1138 (1971)


Director: George Lucas

Starring: Robert Duvall, Donald Pleasence, Maggie McOmie, Sid Haig

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: The Future is here.

Plot: The human race has been relocated to a underground city located beneath the Earth's surface. In the underground city, the population are entertained by holographic TV which broadcasts sex and violence and robotic police force enforces the law. In the underground city, society controls all life, all citizens are drugged to control their emotions and their behavior and sex is a crime. Factory worker THX-1138 stops taking the drugs and he breaks the law when he finds himself falling in love with his room-mate LUH 3417 and is imprisoned when LUH 3417 is pregnant. Escaping from jail with illegal programmer SEN 5241 and a hologram named SRT, THX 1138 goes in search of LUH 3417 and escape to the surface, whilst being pursued by robotic policemen.



My Rating: 8/10

Would I watch it again? Has Luca$ completely lost his credibility in exchange for a giant throat pouch? HO HO HOOOO SOLO

This is back when the man had some great ideas and a solid vision. He lost that 12 years later with the introduction to those fucking teddy bears in JEDI. But here, this is pure futuristic, paranoid sci-fi. It's quite good; definitely not for everyon'e tastes. It's slow. It's start white throughout most of it. It's cold and it's a refreshing bit of sci-fi from the greatest decade for film. It's not quite masterpiece it deserves to be but it's still an important piece of work that needs to be seen.