Saturday, January 31, 2009

The God Who Wasn't There (2005)

Director: Brian Flemming

Starring: Richard Dawkins, Sam Harris and a bunch of Religiosos

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: A Film Beyond Belief

Plot: Did Jesus exist? This film starts with that question, then goes on to examine Christianity as a whole.

My Rating: 9/10

Would I watch it again? Fire up the simultinis and let's go

This is a scream. Fleming (who also narrates) is FUNNY...AS...HELL! At right about 60 minutes TGWWT flies with more laugh-out-loud moments than Bill Clinton's "I Did Not Have Sex With That Woman" speech.

The highlight (besides the hilarious finale) is the story of Jesus told in 6 minutes or less. Don't believe me?

See. 6 minutes or less. This guy's a riot and I can't wait to see what he does next. 86 crispy fans can't be wrong, can they?

The Keep (1983)

Director: Michael Mann

Starring: Scott Glenn, Alberta Watson, Jurgen Prochnow, Robert Prosky, Gabriel Byrne, Ian McKellen

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: THEY WERE ALL DRAWN TO THE KEEP. The soldiers who brought death. The father and daughter fighting for life. The people who have always feared it. And the one man who knows its secret... THE KEEP Tonight, they will all face the evil.

Plot: Nazis guard a citadel that harbors a dangerous force that starts wreaking havoc and death upon them, forcing an uneasy alliance with a Jewish professional who can stop it.

My Rating: 5/10

Would I watch it again? Nope.

Man, how about that long-ass tagline? It's size is commensurate with how long this movie feels. In my adolescence I had tried several times to watch this without falling asleep. I eventually made it but at a price. What a great concept for a movie that just lays there in front of you. it's like watching someone die over the course of a week and you keep hoping for some pearl of wisdom to come out of their mouth but when they speak they just give you the instructions on how to operate a rock. After all these years I FINALLY got my hands on a good widescreen print. Not much has changed.

The Good: Amazing set, great look and feel with more fog than 19th century London. The build-up to the release of the demon is well-executed and effective.

The Bad: With such a fantastic cast of (now) world famous actors it's a shame that few of them really turn in a good performance. For me the standout is Prochnow. I've always enjoyed his work ever since I first saw DAS BOOT (1981). Though he's got a ton of credits he never really made it to the A-List. And as much as I like McKellen, he's hammy here. There are some quality moments but that's offset with too much scenery chewing (as much as I'm sick of that expression).

The Ugly: IT'S FUCKING DULL AS HELL! There are very few synth/electronic scores that I'm keen on. John Carpenter always impressed me with his and Maurice Jarre can be OK (his score for WITNESS is criminal for not being orchestral). Tangerine Dream delivers this one and it's good and moody sometimes but then there are a few scenes where it's completely off the charts in the appropriate department. Count me out.

It's really a shame that this is so dreadful. The story is so ripe with atmosphere. I mean, come on. Nazis and demons? Bring it but don't bring THE KEEP. At 96 minutes it's 4 hours too long.

Saw IV (2007)

Director: Darren Lynn Bousman

Starring: Tobin Bell, Donnie Wahlberg

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: It's a Trap

Plot: Picking up where its grisly predecessor left off, Saw IV finds Jeff searching for his missing daughter. A videotape from the dead serial killer Jigsaw is Jeff's only lead in this frantic hunt. The film leapfrogs back and forth in time throughout the Saw series and ties up some bloody loose ends lingering from the previous films.

My Rating: 5/10

Would I watch it again? highly unlikely

Since I watched the previous three SAW films before I started this blog and I have no desire to ever re-visit them, I'll throw down my brief thoughts.

SAW (2004) - A great concept and stylized look marred by some really bland dialogue and really bad decisions by some characters like when Danny Glover is chasing the killer, rather than shoot him he leaps to the killer's feet to stop him. Naturally, Glover is separated from his weapon and suffers for it. Major Fail. 7/10

SAW II (2005) - More of the same from the first film but this time the traps are more elaborate and grisly. However, more of the same means more laughably bad dialogue and line delivery. 6/10

SAW III (2006) - It's interesting how they keep coming up with ways to continue the story but, alas, there's still the shit dialogue and acting. Although still watchable and interesting to a degree, this series is dying. Repeat viewings are not an option at this point. 5/10

Now with the latest one there's not much more to add. The franchise is fading. The fifth one is out and there'll likely be a sixth later this year. Here we still have more of the same BUT there are some real highlights. The opening autopsy sequence is squeamish and fun. However, I'm getting sick and fucking tired of EVERYTHING having hyper stylized audio. There's more squishing in this movie than Madonna's gynecological exam.

Other than that, the scene transitions are really neat and inventive. I'm a sucker for hidden transitions and swipes. And I really dig how they are able to continue the story. At least they're trying. Well...sort of.


I'll continue to watch the series but I'll never expect to truly like any of them going forward and I'll take them for what they are. After all, the franchise is called SAW, not SEE AGAIN. Bwahahahahaha. Ugh.

Religulous (2008)

Director: Larry Charles

Starring: Bill Maher and a shitload of religious wackos

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: Heaven Help Us

Plot: Bill Maher interviews some of religion's oddest adherents. Muslims, Jews and Christians of many kinds pass before his jaundiced eye. Maher goes to a Creationist Museum in Kentucky, which shows that dinosaurs and people lived at the same time 5000 years ago. He talks to truckers at a Truckers' Chapel. He goes to a theme park called Holy Land in Florida. He speaks to a rabbi in league with Holocaust deniers. He talks to a Muslim musician who preaches hatred of Jews. Maher finds the unlikeliest of believers and, in a certain Vatican priest, he even finds an unlikely skeptic.

My Rating: 8/10

Would I watch it again? I'm ready right now

Overly-Religious people are a silly, and often stupid lot. And Bill Maher just knocks it home for us.

So how was it? It was better than Cats. I will see it again, and again, and again...

I doubt this is the kind of film that is going to change anyone's mind whether you believe in god(s) or not. As an atheist watching this with a room full of atheists, I found it hysterical and definitely worthy of repeat viewings. He and the director Larry Charles (BORAT) pull out all the stops using old silent religious-themed movies, clips from religious short films from the 50s and 60s (the kind of short films you were shown in school (if you're old enough, that is)), and stock footage from newsreels, religious nutjobs et al. It's corny but it gets funny reactions when it's used. Unlike the last film I talked about (EXPELLED) this type of film making works because IT'S A FUCKING COMEDY DOCUMENTARY! EXPELLED failed miserably at this because it wanted to be taken very silly. Whenever you show video of some type of previously filmed (for something else) footage EVERY time you mention said person/place/thing it comes across as very amateurish and stupid. It's on par with jump-scares in horror movies. It's cheap and shameless. But, like I said, it works great when you're soliciting laughs because it's such a ridiculous way to evoke an emotion.

The funniest person in the movie is this guy:

He's a fucking riot. I can't remember his name but he's a priest that holds some position in The Vatican and his views on religion are riotous and completely against the beliefs and teachings of many in the Catholic Church. This guy needs his own show/movie. He's priceless.

The ONLY thing about this movie I thought was too much was the ending. Maher culminates the entire film into a heavy-handed, gloom and doom finale that is meant to frighten everyone. I understand where he's coming from and, to a point, I agree but it's just that after 95 minutes of riotous laughter he throws this at us. It comes on too strong. I get it but I would have rather it ended as it began...fucking hysterically.

Oh, and before you start praising Maher for his beliefs or, better yet, non-beliefs, he's not exactly what you'd call a good skeptic. Sure he's an atheist or an agnostic but even they can believe in stupid things, too, that are just as idiotic as a magical invisible man that gets credit for EVERYTHING. If only Maher would turn that skeptic focus he has on religion and onto everything else in life he would soon discover that his beliefs in holistic medicine, detoxification, anti vaccination, HIV/AIDS denial and the big pharma conspiracy are all a steaming pile of horseshit and have no more basis in reality than Luke Skywalker.

But then RELIGULOUS is a fucking outrageously funny movie that I will watch again, and again, and again, and again...

Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed (2008)

Director: Nathan Frankowski

Starring: Ben "Bone-Head" Stein

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: Big science has expelled smart new ideas from the classroom...What they forgot is that every generation has its Rebel!

Plot: Hosted by Ben Stein, this controversial documentary examines how pro-intelligent design scholars and scientists are often chastised, fired or denied tenured positions by those who believe in Darwin's theory of evolution. It explores how scientists who believe in God are oppressed and how the acceptance of evolution may have played a role in the formation of organizations such as the Nazi regime and Planned Parenthood.

My Rating: 1/10

Would I watch it again? Oh, HELL, no!

Overly-Religious people are a silly, and often stupid lot. And Ben Stein just knocks it home for us.

Ben Stein is an idiot. Pure and simple. That's the lamest opening to a credible argument but after watching this film that's the conclusion you're left with. This is very amateurish film making at best. It's poorly crafted (using stock footage EVERY SINGLE TIME something is mentioned. ex. if Hitler's name is uttered we see Hitler and so on), poorly researched (it's filled with absolute, easy-to-research lies), and it's dull, dull, dull. In fact, if you do watch this, immediately go to where you will find the facts behind why these people were dismissed or, in some cases, quit their jobs while claiming they were fired.

Here we have a documentary that has a central battle between those scientists that believe in Intelligent Design (aka Creationism, the belief that the Earth is only 6,000 years old, that Adam & Eve were the first humans, that early humans live simultaneously with dinosaurs until Noah's flood came and wiped them all out) and the scientific establishments that believe in Evolution, a scientifically proven fact that is regarded as such by an overwhelming percentage of scientists across the globe, around 95%. At no point in this 90 minute mess does Ben Stein or the film makers provide us with a definition of either ID or Evolution. I'm willing to bet that a large percentage of people who watch this do not have a clear understanding as to what either of these truly are. This is a massive fail of biblical proportions (hahaha).

Oh! And then there's the music. Composer Andy Hunter paints with such a broad stroke it's appalling. If the film makers want music to convey sadness, Hunter gives you REALLY sad music, for anger it's REALLY pissed off and so on. It's horrendous and laughable it's so bad.

They couldn't have picked a more subtle title. No Intelligence Allowed? Film makers included.

Why is my score so harsh? Documentaries should be held to a higher standard because their initial purpose is to educate. To do so with lies and deceit is inexcusable.

If it's not painfully obvious as to how bad this is and how wrong it can be, just look at Ben Stein, the host and writer. I don't doubt that he's an intelligent man. Smart people can believe in really dumb, idiotic things. Hell, I used to believe in George luca$. Regarding science, Ben Stein is on record as saying, "I was thinking to myself the last time any of my relatives saw scientists telling them what to do they were telling them to go to the showers to get gassed … that was horrifying beyond words, and that’s where science — in my opinion, this is just an opinion — that’s where science leads you."

Bueller? Bueller? Bueller?

The Great Silence (1968)

Director: Sergio Corbucci

Starring: Jean-Lous Trintignant, Klaus Kinski, Frank Wolff

More Info: IMDB

Plot: A mute gunslinger faces off against a gang of bounty hunters in the great blizzard of 1899, and a grim, tense struggle unfolds.

My Rating: 9/10

Would I watch it again? Oh, yeah!

#121 on Drive-In Delirium Volume 2 (part of the TRAILER TRASH PROJECT)

Stunning. One of the all-time great Spaghetti Westerns. It's easily one of the bleakest. As with many Spags, the "good guy" isn't necessarily a good man. Often there's some grey area. On the other hand, the "bad guy" is just about always REALLY bad. In this one the two roles are only separated by a slender thread of conscience but their methods are the same. Silence (Trintignant) won't draw unless drawn upon. So he goads his soon-to-be-victims into drawing first. Loco (Kinski) does the same but when everyone's backs are turned he'll just as soon shoot you in the back for the reward.

The performances are very good with a standout performance by Frank Wolff as Sheriff Burnett, the good man sent to bring order to the town. He's tough and does his job but it seems like he's annoyed by the bad bounty hunters that have swarmed the town.

Loco: Can't a man provide for his old age?
Sheriff Burnett: I don't think you're gonna make it.

One unusual aspect about this Spag is that it's entirely set during a blizzard with the snow being almost another character. The deep white snow permeates the picture giving you an added sense of isolation and danger making this a very unique entry into the genre.

Behind the camera we have the director Sergio Corbucci, a Spag staple with a nice catalog of great films including DJANGO (1966), NAVAJO JOE (1966), THE HELLBENDERS (1967), THE MERCENARY (1968), THE SPECIALIST (1969), COMPANEROS (1970) and SONNY AND JED (1972) to name a few; all of which are among many Spaghetti Western fans' top 20 lists.

And then there's the genius of composer Ennio Morricone. His Spag scores are legendary and nearly all of them are the best of the SW genre. This one is no exception. It's beautiful, lyrical and sad. It's not a hero's score. It conveys the beauty of the landscape, the hope that good will win over evil and the certainty that it often will not. It's haunting and one of his best.

And it's nice to have a very tasteful and tender love scene in a SW. Although it is a stretch to find the VERY recently widowed Pauline (Vonetta McGee) fall for another man so quickly, Corbucci handles the build-up with such craftsmanship that you can easily suspend your disbelief and accept that she really does love Silence regardless of the reasons.

The ending is easily one of my favorite of all-time and that's saying something. It sticks to you well after the film has ended. This is one of the most mature Spaghetti Westerns out there and if you should ever only see a few of them, make room for THE GREAT SILENCE. It will literally leave you speechless.

Truck Turner (1974)

Director: Jonathan Kaplan

Starring: Isaac Hayes, Yaphet Kotto, Nichelle Nichols, Scatman Crothers, Dick Miller, Alan Weeks

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: Black, bold and bloody mean!

Plot: Truck is a bounty hunter who gets a job to track down a vicious pimp named Gator. When he and his partner find him, a chase ensues and Gator is killed. This makes Gator's woman, Dorinda, very angry and she puts a hit on Truck. It's ON now.

My Rating: 9/10

Would I watch it again? As sure as I'm sittin' here

#16 on Blaxploiteasin' (part of the TRAILER TRASH PROJECT)

I don't know where to start. This movie completely took me by surprise. The first half of this 91 minute roller coaster just rips right out of the screen. You've got shoot outs, car chases, pimps, hoes, bar fights, the works. The action and comedy are ratcheted up to 11 and the entertainment value on this is priceless.

The acting is fantastic. Hayes has one of the most genuinely likable screen presences I've seen. He's not so much acting but just being himself reciting the lines he's given. His partner, Jerry (Weeks) is great, too. Their chemistry together is wonderfully playful and fresh. It's surprising that Weeks really didn't do many films given he's so good in this. What he did do in the 70s are a few Blaxploitation classics like SHAFT, WILLIE DYNAMITE and BLACK BELT JONES, all of which I'm on track to watch after seeing TT. Nichelle Nichols (Uhura from STAR TREK) is a fucking riot! She's one nasty bitch even before her pimp daddy's killed and then she turns into uber-bitch. The funny thing is...SHE'S REALLY GOOD! She's obviously having fun with this over-the-top performance but it's just really neat seeing her tackle something so fucking sleazy. She says "nigger" more times than a Richard Pryor concert. And her eye shadow takes the ever-lovin' cake.

"They call her Colonel Sanders because she's finger lickin' good."

I've always had such high regard for Yaphet Kotto since I was a kid so it was surprisingly awesome to see him in this gem as a badass pimp. He's a scream. This movie's just full of genuine talent. Then there's the always fun and great Scatman Crothers (with the worst hairpiece of all time) and B-movie staple, Dick Miller sportin' a salmon-colored suit jacket. WOW!

Here's a sample of the outrageousness of TRUCK TURNER. Truck & Jerry have Gator (one of the ugliest sumbitches to show his mug on screen) cornered. Truck's standing on the roof of Gator's small house and Jerry's on the ground firing a few rounds into Gator. Suddenly one of Gator's skanky hoes runs outside with the biggest pair of scissors/shears I've ever seen and her knockers knocking (in slow motion to boot)...

plants the shears into Jerry's back...

Truck jumps off the roof, clocks her in the face...

she's down for the count...

and Truck says, "BITCH"!!!

Sound like fun? It's a blast all the way around. Oh, and one of the most side-splitting, WTF moments happened during the big car chase near the beginning. Truck & Jerry are after Gator and Gator's hitting all kinds of shit lining the streets, pedestrians, garbage cans, hot dog stands, whatever's there he's nailin' it. There's a Hasidic Jew coming out of a store with a shopping cart full of something when Gator hits the cart and bagels are flying all over the place. It's so fucking out of nowhere that it got one of the biggest howls of laughter out of the entire picture.

Truck Turner: You Dorinda?
Dorinda: Who want to know?
Truck Turner: Since I'm asking, it must be me.


Dorinda: I haven't had to sell my pussy since I was fifteen and found out I could sell other bitches' instead.


Dorinda: We call her Turnpike, cuz you gotta pay to get on and pay to get off!


Annie: So, this is your idea of a good night, huh? Get me drunk and then screw me?
Truck Turner: Okay, okay, we'll get something to eat first.

After a solid first 45 minutes of badassery the film takes a tonal shift. After Gator is dead and buried (the pimp funeral is one of the funniest things you'll ever see) and Blue (Koto) has his contract killers on Truck's tail it slows down and becomes more of a crime thriller. It's great stuff! It's more entertaining than most movies could dream of being. The talent in front of and behind the camera is staggering. You just don't expect to get something this good. It's the icing on the cake.

I honestly can't say enough about TRUCK TURNER. It's a great film to watch with friends. I've seen quite a few Blaxploitation films over the years and this one it tops by a long shot. Besides, how many films do you know sport a bare-chested, scissor-wielding hoe out for blood? Drop what you're doing right now and watch this movie. It will seriously enrich your life.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Escape from New York (1981)

Director: John Carpenter

Starring: Kurt "Badass" Russell, Lee "Badass" Van Cleef, Ernest "Badass" Borgnine, Donald "Badass" Pleasence, Isaac "Badass" Hayes, Harry "Badass" Dean "Badass"Stanton, Adrienne "Badass Boobs" Barbeau, Tom "Badass"Atkins

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: 1997. New York City is now a maximum security prison. Breaking out is impossible. Breaking in is insane.

Plot: In 1997, when the US President crashes into Manhattan, now a giant max. security prison, a convicted bank robber is sent in for a rescue.

My Rating: 8/10

Would I watch it again? sure as shit

John Carpenter + Kurt "Badass" Russell, Lee "Badass" Van Cleef, Ernest "Badass" Borgnine, Donald "Badass" Pleasence, Isaac "Badass" Hayes, Harry "Badass" Dean "Badass"Stanton, Adrienne "Badass Boobs" Barbeau, Tom "Badass"Atkins = a solid sci-fi actioner that kicks ass!!!

I mean, shit! Look at that cast! And it also includes George 'Buck' Flower!!! Don't know who he is? Click on his name and check out the 143 credits he has. He's been in a TON of great, classic genre films. And then there's Barbeau and the twins...mmmmmm...

It's not the kind of movie you throw on when your sleepy and that's partly due to the subdued, moody electronic score, and great as always, by Carpenter. It's set at night in a destroyed NYC landscape and it's not exactly filled with explosions and happy things. It's a whole lot of fun.

It's a solid 8 for me. The only thing that hurts this film is this bozo:

WTF? He's so fucking flouncy and flamboyant that you'd think he'd just had his coming out party the night before on Halloween. He represents all that's bad about Hollywood's idea of what gang members look like in post-apocalyptic movies. Other than that, this film's a hoot.

Underworld: Rise of the Lycans (2009)

Director: Patrick Tatopoulos

Starring: Bill Nighy, Michael Sheen, Rhona Mitra

More Info: IMDB

Plot: An origins story centered on the centuries-old feud between the race of aristocratic vampires and their onetime slaves, the Lycans.

My Rating: 4/10

Would I watch it again? not unless I'm tied up Clockwork Orange style

A year or so ago I got around to watching the first UNDERWORLD (2003) (see my review HERE). I wasn't crazy about that one just like I'm not crazy about this one. I will say this; if you loved the first one you'll probably love this one.

The big issue for me was the plot. It's a very simple story that's been done to death for a few hundred years.


Lucian is the slave of Viktor. Lucian is in love with Viktor's daughter, Sonja. Sonja is defiant to her father who rules the vampire kingdom and disobeys him on a number of occasions. When Viktor discovers her and Lucian's forbidden love and that she is carrying his child, Viktor sentences them to death. After witnessing Sonja's torturous death, he escapes and rallies the Lycan troops on a siege of the castle and winning the day.


Bo-ring! The blue tint to the film is neat but do we need it for 92 minutes? It gets old and fast, especially when 90% of the movie is set inside a castle. The acting is over-the-top, the music is non-eventful and clunky and the special effects, while pretty good for the most part, have some really dodgy moments that took me out of it momentarily. Oh, and for the ladies...Lucian gets naked A LOT.

I wanted to like this film but everything about it was saying "don't". I would say it's a good thing I saw it for free but then again I still saw it regardless. At least the corn & coke were good. Another nice thing came out of it...I won't have to watch the second film as I'm pretty damn sure I won't like it either.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Bond 14: A View to a Kill (1985)

Director: John Glen

Starring: Roger Moore, Christopher Walken

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: Adventure Above And Beyond All Other Bonds

Plot: An investigation of a horse-racing scam leads 007 to a mad industrialist who plans to create a worldwide microchip monopoly by destroying California's Silicon Valley.

My Rating: 5/10

Would I watch it again? Don't bet much on it

WTF? Christopher Walken is the bad guy! How could they go wrong? Let me count the ways...

This entry makes me sad. I've enjoyed all of Moore's Bond pictures until this one. Much has been said that he looked far too old. I disagree. There is the odd shot here and there where he does look old but otherwise he looks great for a man of 58. He's a couple of years older than Connery and when he left the series in '71 he sure wasn't looking like he used to.

We get one of the lamest pre-credit sequence to date. WTF with the Beach Boys tune? Kill me now. Great title song by Duran Duran. Great score by John Barry. I'm even OK with Grace Jones (yeah, I'd probably hit that if for no other reason to satisfy my curiosity that she's really a woman.) The Eiffel Tower sequence was nice as was the chase afterward. In fact, much of the first half of the movie is great until they get to San Francisco and Tanya Roberts opens her mouth and doesn't shut it until the end credits roll.

Wesley Snipes or Grace Jones? There's only one way to find out...

The playfulness between Moore and Patrick Macnee was wonderful and is probably the highlight of the film. The story itself wasn't so bad even if it relied on many plot devices from previous Bonds (as they have for many years now). BUT JESUS TITTY-FUCKING CHRIST! Why the FUCK did they put Tanya Roberts in this thing? She's absolutely hideous. Every time she opened her mouth and nothing went into it I could feel a tiny pin prick in my kidneys. By the time the movie was over I was in too much pain to continue. She's annoying as hell. The tired and uninteresting city hall fire and fire truck chase scenes were tired and pointless.

I've got nothing else to say. It's sad that this film has a pretty strong first half has a lousy second half. I can put up with quite a bit but there's only so far I can go. Over the years I've seen this one a few time thinking that maybe it's just me. No, it isn't me. It's this. I think I've watched this for the last time.

Scorethefilm will return with his thoughts to...


Valkyrie (2008)

Director: Bryan Singer

Starring: Tom Cruise and a shitload of Brits

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: Many saw evil. They dared to stop it.

Plot: Based on actual events, a plot to assassinate Hitler is unfurled during the height of WWII.

My Rating: 7.5/10

Would I watch it again? Ja

I can't stand Tom Cruise. He's a douchebag; all 5 foot 2 inches of 'im. So when I heard that Singer was directing VALKYRIE, I was ecstatic. And then I heard Cruise was going to be the star. My heart and colon suddenly switched places. I love a good WWII story and I was sure that Cruise would fuck this up big-time. I was stunned to see that he didn't. I actually think he did a pretty good job in this one. Please don't hurt me.

I'm pretty familiar with this particular plot to kill Hitler, this one being the last of 15 attempts on his life).


They don't succeed.


It's not too unlike TITANIC in that you know how it ends but it's the getting there that counts. Singer does a pretty good job of building suspense but I did leave with a sense that the tension could have been better. Cruise underplays his role which is welcome. Everything about the picture is well done. It's never boring, the actors are good (in particular Bill Nighy and Tom Wilkinson), the story is tight and seeing the plot almost succeed was great.

"Deutschland, Deutschland uber alles..."

I have only two real issues if you can call them that. First there's the finale where Cruise is about to be executed. They drag it out by having someone run in front of him and spout something patriotic. This was done only to extend the inevitable execution of Stauffenberg (Cruise) who is the last to be executed. And then there's THE ENGLISH ACCENTED FUCKING ADOLF FUCKING HITLER!!! I mean, COME ON! I'm sitting through this thing hearing not a single German accent (which I'm OK with) when they get to AH and he's got a fucking British accent, too! He's the single most famous Austrian/German in the history of the WORLD (with the possible exception of Falco) and you think that they'd at LEAST have this guy sportin' a German accent. Nope. What a letdown. He wasn't around much but still...

The bottom line is that it's good, quite good. It's the Tom Cruise movie for people who don't like Tom Cruise. So he did something good for a change...he's still a douchebag.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

My Bloody Valentine 3-D (2009)

Director: Patrick Lussier

Starring: Tom Atkins and a bunch of nobodys

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: He's gonna break your heart.

Plot: Tom returns to his hometown on the tenth anniversary of the Valentine's night massacre that claimed the lives of 22 people. Instead of a homecoming, however, Tom finds himself suspected of committing the murders, and it seems like his old flame is the only one will believes he's innocent.

My Rating: 6.5/10

Would I watch it again? it's possible but only in 3D

I LOVES me some 3D. The old red/blue anaglyph shit is fun and the new 3D process is fantastic. MY BLOODY VALENTINE is the first live action film I've seen with the new 3D.

I'm going to keep this spoiler free for a change. It starts out with a bang with the back story of the mine murders and an Oprah-assload of kills. Nice. Then it's ten years later and the murders start up again and this is where we'll be until the reveal at the end. When you're watching it, don't think too much; just enjoy it.

We get treated to a tremendous body count involving every way you can think of to kill a person with a pick axe. There aren't really any good scares in it. We're given the same cheap-ass lame-O bullshit "jump" scares we get in most Hollywood films. You know, where something leaps onto the screen out of nowhere and you hear a loud band in the music. It's rarely done effectively, it's the cheapest way to make someone jump and it pisses me off. There was one moment, though that made me flinch and it was when some shit was being knocked about in a grocery store and a few things flew out of the screen towards the viewer quickly. But that's only because of the 3D that made that possible.

So how was the 3D? Pretty fucking cool. I really liked how the film makers didn't beat you over the head with "Hey, look what we can do with 3D. Cool, huh?". Yeah, you get a few of those moments but a lot of them aren't flashy and they work pretty well. I didn't find myself reaching out in front of me to try and touch anything like I've been known to do. That's right. I'm a total dork. I've done that knowing full well that it's a visual trick but it's fun so let it go.

As I said, there are a ton of kills but there are two that stand out. One is early on when someone gets a flat-edged shovel horizontally through the mouth and out the back of the head, effectively cutting it in half. That was fun. And later someone gets the pick axe thrust from beneath the chin and up through the mouth and then pulled forward throwing the jaw out to the audience. Sweetness.

Tom "Thrill Me!" Atkins was a lot of fun. This guy is a character actor staple of the horror genre throughout the 80s and it's nice to see him back in something fun like this. You've also got Kevin Tighe, John Locke's motherfucker of a father in TV's LOST. He's a hoot. And then we get treated to Betsy Rue. Who is she? A nobody until after this picture. I'm not sure if she can do Shakespeare be she did fine in this. Oh, and she's completely nude, running around a motel parking lot with a gun and then running for her life from the killer. It runs for several minutes and it's pretty neat in that you haven't seen anything like this before. It's even better because it's in 3D. I saw several people in the theater reaching out at the screen trying to touch her with one of them leaning over to me afterwards asking if I wanted to smell his finger. I'm sure Betsy will be getting more work after this movie.

The 3D is really what makes this more fun than it should be. We're in the beginning stages with the 3D revolution that is developing. I like it and I welcome it. I'm especially chomping at the bit for Lucas' promise to bring the STAR WARS films to the theaters in 3D. But with that comes Jar Jar and those fucking Ewoks inches from my face. The upside is that I'll find my fists flying at every opportunity.

Oh, the story is fine and the pacing works if only a tad on the slow side at the 2/3 mark. Is is worth dropping an extra two bucks down to see it in 3D? Yeah, it's fun but without the 3D "gee whiz" factor it's just another slasher movie that is better than most of late but not enough to be garnered a classic. I can't say anything about the original 1981 film as I haven't seen it...yet.