Friday, August 7, 2009

Hated: G.G. Allin and the Murder Junkies (1994)

Director: Todd Phillips

Starring: GG Allin

More Info: IMDB

Plot: Documentary about the life and death of the notorious underground punk icon GG Allin, the foul mouthed, heroin shooting lead singer of the Murder Junkies, who would throw excrement at the crowd, start fights with the biggest guys in the audience, and threatened to kill himself onstage. He was considered the lowest common denominator of our society by some, an avant-garde artist by others.

My Rating: 7/10

Would I watch it again? I could be persuaded with a specially-chosen group.! Watch in absolute amazement the antics of a talentless, relentless, dangerous, idiot nut job punk rocker named G.G. Allin. Wow. I'm rarely stunned, shocked or surprised to the point this film made me. It's insane. Oh, and his music is shit.

So, we've established who he was. Now let's see what he did. We will try to accomplish this in pictures.

These are TAME compared to what you see in this documentary. He freely cuts himself across his stomach and chest with a razor blade, while lying on his back he has a girl piss on his face and he begins to vomit up the hot dogs he woofed down, he brutally beats the snout (and has it beat out of him) of concert goers (including women), he's naked A LOT, he puts bananas up his ass (ON STAGE) and let's 'em fly (I think he even eats it), he shits on stage during a concert (I think he even eats that, too). The list goes on and fucking on. THIS...IS...FUCKED...UP!

We get to meet all kinds of lovely folks through this 90 minute romp through the underbelly of the classical music world. For example, there his drummer...who likes to play naked. Why? I'll let him tell you. It's more special that way.

"There are physical reasons for it [playing naked] because of if I wear clothing, I play very heavily and I sit very hard on the drum seat and I irritate my skin, severely sometimes, and it really hurts and if I sit on plastic or on a good vinyl seat, with nothing underneath, I don't get hurt. That's basically the main reason."

GG wasn't the only one who was mental. He was surrounded by them.

I would say the guy's got balls but, as you can see in the pictures, he clearly doesn't. He speaks like Charles Manson on a bad day. He's deluded and he's a moron. The documentary crew follows him over the course of the last year or two of his life. He died of a drug overdose during post production. Surprise. They came back and shot some funeral footage. He was buried wearing a jacket and a jock strap, holding a beer. Now that's class. I'm now inspired to take my own band to new, lower heights.

This film is an exercise in your ability to finish it without tossing your cookies. I made it, therefore it rates a 7. It really is a fascinating look at what happens when you just don't care. We're surrounded by people that would like to have that kind of attitude, not necessarily taking it as far as GG did, but get distracted by shiny objects due to their short attention spa... Ooh, look! A bobble head.

Punisher: War Zone (2008)

Director: Lexi Alexander

Starring: Ray Stevenson, Dominic West, Wayne Knight

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: Vengeance has a name.

Plot: After hunting down and killing hundreds of violent criminals, Frank Castle, aka The Punisher, faces his most deadly foe yet: Jigsaw.

My Rating: 6/10

Would I watch it again? It wouldn't kill me.

My man glands were salivating from the word-of-mouth this was getting in the geek community. The stage was set to have my ass handed to me. Sadly, I still had said ass nearly two hours later. Sigh.

First off, Stevenson as Frank Castle/The Punisher was a BAD.FUCKING.ASS! He's the best part of the film. Hands down. West is over-the-top as his enemy, Jigsaw (the poster child for Italian mobster stereotypes), which would work if it were more of a light-hearted movie. That's the whole problem. P:WZ doesn't know what it wants to be. If they played it as a serious action crime thriller all the way through I'd be dancing a jig, Riverdance-style, right now. Stevenson was too pitch-perfect and menacing to have his bad guy rival act like he's channeling Beetlejuice or Jack Nicholson's Joker. Jigsaw and his gang are simply too silly. Great makeup, though.

Hey, wait a second. I laughed pretty heartily at some of that silliness, but it didn't work with the movie. At some point I just said, "fuck it", and lowered my expectations for the duration of the film. The Punisher did have some great lines and some amazing kills, though.

"This is only the beginning."

Carlos: [dying after having been axed by Loony Bin Jim] See you in hell, Frank.
Frank Castle: If I see you anywhere near Hell, I'll kick your ass out.
[Frank covers Carlos's eyes and shoots him to end his suffering]

This is bloody as hell and, at times, is loads of fun and the demise of Jigsaw is COOL.AS.HELL. If it weren't so damned silly and comic-booky I would have liked it better. It just kills me to no end how Hollywood will take a potentially lucrative franchise and fuck the living shit out of it, thereby killing it before it has a chance to live. Why couldn't they have fucked up a franchise that deserved to be delivered D.O.A. like, oh I don't know...TOMB RAIDER?

Little Girls (1966)

Director: Gilbert Wolmark

Starring: Who knows? There are no names listed in the film.

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: Blackmail! Extortion! Prostitution! Drugs! They were made of sugar and spice and everything nice... Except for what they did!

Plot: After hiring the hunky Mike to help with her failing nightclub operations, owner Dani has a brainstorm. She will target four teenage girls who are beginning a coy flirtation with sexuality and introduce them to a few of her more "forward thinking" customers. While cash will be exchanged, its clear the gals will be doing their dirty deeds purely for the kicks. While their friend Bismuth acts as bodyguard (and ersatz pimp), our lovelies indulge in the debauched fantasies of the club's clientele. Everything and anything is possible. Of course, what these lovelies don't know is that Mike is hiding in the background, taking incriminating photos and making scandalous recordings to use as blackmail. With the influx of extorted cash, Dani hopes to save her failing business. What she may not be prepared for is the response of these so-called Little Girls, or the consequences when Mike falls for Elena, one of his targets.

My Rating: 7/10

Would I watch it again? Absolutely!

The screen is black. We hear a voice, our narrator, that sounds exactly like Roddy McDowell... "The story you are about to see is based on fact. The place...Paris, France. The time...early Summer."

"Anything you want. Come on! Let's lay like pigs!"

We're merely seconds into the film and this lays the groundwork to what you are about to see over the next 67 minutes. I love it when movies do that.

LITTLE GIRLS is a rather unique French exploitation film in that it's made with such style and care of that befitting an art house film. Neat. It's the kind of exploitation you could watch with your girlfriend, the one who digs non-mainstream cinema. So, while you get crazy shit like the following, you don't feel as skeezy watching it.

"This man is an influential figure in city government. He has disguised himself as to not be recognized. As a younger man he took great delight sitting on top of a hill above his home and watching his 12-year-old daughter taking nude swims in their private pool when she thought her father was away at the office. His daughter has long since married and left his household, but now this man's unusual sexual curiosity has, once again, manifest itself. Joyell, the youngest of the girls, is only 14 and proves an apt subject for this man's sickness."

She's 14? WTF? It's outrageous shit like this that make this film priceless. The cool, beatnik jazz score is terrific and beautifully compliments the black and white photography. The acting is well above average for an exploitation film. Now that I'm thinking about it, it's because it's so well put together that one could make a case that it's not an exploitation film at all. Sure, it's loaded with beautiful nude girls in all kinds of kink situations but it's got a very interesting story.

It doesn't end well for some of the characters which makes it dark, like I like it. People die but with great camera angles in B&W and with beautiful European women in the mid-1960s. Ooh, and that great Roddy McDowell-esque voice ends the picture with...

"They had lived 3 months of an unbelievably sordid experience, ending in tragedy. They had lived it...for kicks. The things they did, the things they saw could never be forgotten. Although their minds were still not yet fully matured, they had now learned the difference between right and wrong and they could never again be referred to as the little girls."

Hot Summer in Barefoot County (1974)

Director: Will Zens

Starring: Nobodys. A bunch of fucking horrible no-talent nobody "actors". (If you were actually in the movie and you're reading this, this doesn't apply to you. You were wonderful. Fantastic. You're the only reason I watched this white mold-encrusted turd.

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: There's only two rules in Barefoot County--Love thy neighbor and do unto others!

Plot: A city cop is sent out to the country to go undercover and bust up a ring of moonshiners run by a woman and her three hot teenage daughters.

My Rating: 2.5/10

Would I watch this again? How dare you ask me that!

There's only one rule in watching BAREFOOT COUNTY--Kill me now! I couldn't find a trailer for it online. You're better for it. Trust me.

What's worse than a bad action movie? A bad comedy. What's worse than a bad comedy? A bad drama. What's worse than a bad drama? HOT SUMMER IN BAREFOOT COUNTY. Boy, is this bad. I'd like to think that I can find something good in anything. Seriously, the ONLY thing good about this, uh, movie is the poster and that's no lie, brother.

My face actually contorted to this very expression by the end of the film! It's like someone farted and I knew it wasn't me but felt totally guilty anyway and accepted the blame.

This is 90 minutes of "when's it gonna get good?". It doesn't. And then you start to cry.

The acting is atrocious. I'm a stickler for a decent Southern accent and these people are horrible. It's about as offensive as Madonna's 98-year-old penis arms.

The sheriff and his deputy have GOT to be the dumbest Southern cops in movie history. You thought Enis from THE DUKES OF HAZZARD was stupid? He's a fucking Rhodes Scholar compared to these two. The picture opens with a high speed chase and the sheriff, a VERY poor man's Bud Spencer, looks like he's afraid to drive!

The music is bad, stereotypical country (and not even the so-bad-it's-good) music. And if all of this shittinest isn't enough, there's plenty of cartoon-y sound effects for all kinds of special moments like when the deputy falls down and we get the slide-whistle/timpani boink. Does it even matter any more that this is an early Troma picture? After this and MOTHER'S DAY (1980), I'm not going to go out of my way to see another.

Here's our studly hero...

and his sexy prey...

The two lovebirds start making out by the lake and the kissing starts. She's digging it and she's giving as much as she's taking but as soon as his hand moves from her neck to the top of her breast she shoves him away. "Why, Jeff, I thought you weren't like those other boys. I thought you were different." Why, Jeff, you fucking pig. How dare you! You should know that when a girl is making out with you (and don't forget that you both love each other), all hot and heavy like by the lake, you can't expect to move your hand down four inches to her breast and expect to get away with it! I mean, WTF man?

Say, that reminds me. Your probably sayin', "Hey, Scorethefilm! Sure it's a shitty-ass movie but there's lots of nudity, right?" Fuck no. There's barely any if you can even call it that. A Russ Meyer film this ain't! Don't waste your time. And this bullshit is rated "R"! "R" for Ripoff, that is.

There's your nudity, boys. Move along 'cause there's nothin' to see here.

As you can see, it ends happily ever after for everyone except the viewer. Please avoid this. I imagine it's on par with watching every...single...episode of THE DUKES OF HAZZARD to find out which episode was the worst and then having to write your doctoral thesis on how it's possible that something so shitty could ever get made.

I've got access to some cool looking cars, big-ass moonshine jugs, GREAT Southern locales and I know plenty of people who can do the Southern accent justice. Just get me a camera and some girls who are willing to at least get topless and I'll make a better fucking movie than this. It's THAT bad!