Monday, December 20, 2010

Chariots of the Gods (1970)

Director: Harald Reinl

Starring: Christian Marschall (narration) & a bunch of crackpots

More info: IMDb

Tagline: Did Spacemen Visit Earth in Ancient Times? Now We Have Proof!

Plot: Documentary based on the book by Erich Von Daniken concerning the ancient mysteries of the world, such as the pyramids of Egypt and Mexico, ancient cave drawings, the monuments of Easter Island, etc. and the fact that these things and modern civilization could have been influenced by extra-terrestrial visitations hundreds (or perhaps thousands) of years ago.

My rating: As a documentary: 1/10; as a piece of hilarious fiction: 5/10

Will I watch it again? Uhhhhhhh no.

I've been wanting to see the for ages. I probably saw it on TV in the 70s but forgot about it. Is it entertaining? It's pretty fucking funny if you're a skeptic. I recommend watching this with some skeptic friends and have a great drinking party good time picking this thing apart. I did. There's so much adorable horseshit like:

This Russian archaeologist is convinced without a doubt that we have been visited by intelligent aliens for thousands of years and that they've left plenty of signs of their visits but we have yet to interpret them.

NARRATOR: If you multiply the height of the pyramid of Cheops by one billion, it equals almost exactly the distance from the Earth to the sun. A mere coincidence? The longitude, which runs through the center of the pyramid of Cheops, divides continents and oceans into two equal halves. Just MERE coincidence?

Sorry, but, yeah. It's just a coincidence.

These ruins are near Lebanon and were built by the Greeks & Romans (in ancient times, the narrator says). Our "scientist" buddy, the Russian archaeologist, suggests it was a launching pad for aliens!

Yep. It couldn't possibly be for any other reason. This movie's loaded to the gills with bullshit like this. There's a ton of speculation and pareidolia that's just preposterous. For example, take these wall drawings...

They say it looks too much like astronauts to be anything else. But wait, there's more. This one is of someone floating effortlessly in space. That's an antelope or something directly behind it, by the way.

WOW! It's amazing how much evidence of alien visitation is right in front of us and we just are too stupid to recognize it as such. I've got a theory. Maybe it was a native who couldn't draw for shit. How about that, huh? Man, I'm good at this theory making stuff. I've got millions of 'em.

This ancient calendar is just too precise to have been made by the Aztecs, right? It had to have been made by far more intelligent aliens. Yeah, that's it. Let's just reduce our ancestors to primitive knuckleheads.

And these statues are holding things that we don't recognize. Perhaps they are weapons or communication equipment brought from a distant star...

Remember that Russian archaeologist from the beginning? He's back with some ancient statues that could only be of alien beings.

There is a bright spot in all of these amazing 92 minutes...that's right...boobs!

Now THAT'S the movie I'd like to see...NECTAR OF THE GODS!

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