Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Jaws (1975)

Director: Steven Spielberg

Starring: Roy Scheider, Robert Shaw, Richard Dreyfuss, Lorraine Gary, Murray Hamilton

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: Don't go in the water

Plot: When a gigantic great white shark begins to menace the small island community of Amity, a police chief, a marine scientist and grizzled fisherman set out to stop it.

My Rating: 10/10

Would I watch it again? Bigger Boat YES

Everyone's seen this. It's amazing. John Williams' classic score. Robert Shaw's BADASS iconic monologue about the U.S.S. Indianapolis. The gazillions of people who were traumatized in the 70s from going swimming in the ocean. Great film. 29 year old Spielberg's first of many masterpieces. It's a remarkable film on so many levels. I watched it outside on my 12'x9' screen and it's as awe-inspiring as ever. I'm sofa king jealous of my friend, Steve, who just saw it in the theater for the first time that way in over 30 years. Lucky bastard.

UPDATE: 9-24-13 - I just saw this in a theater for the very first time.  The screen was huge and the print was stunning.  Wow!  Just wow!

Dollman (1991)

Director: Albert Pyun

Starring: Tim Thomerson

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: He's the toughest cop on the planet Arturus -- but on earth he's in over his head!

Plot: Brick Bardo (Tim Thomerson) is a traveller from outer space who is forced to land on Earth. Though regular sized on his home planet, he is doll-sized here on Earth, as are the enemy forces who have landed as well. While Brick enlists the help of an impoverished girl and her son, the bad guys enlist the help of a local gang. When word leaks out as to his location, and all hell breaks loose. Brick is besieged by an onslaught of curious kids, angry gang members, and his own doll-sized enemies, and he must protect the family who has helped him and get off the planet alive.

My Rating: 6.5/10

Would I watch it again? It's likely

This is cheesy fun all the way through. Thomerson carries and sells this picture. He's a riot. It's super low budget and it shows. If they had an extra $50 to throw in you see it on the screen. The humor is dry and silly, the special effects are cheap and clever, and the acting is often pretty bad (not from Thomerson) but it all comes together as a fun movie. It's best with friends, of course, and with a run time of 79 minutes there's not too much time to get bored. That's only an hour and 19 minutes to throw yourself at some cornball fun. Dig?

The Funny Blokes of British Comedy (2005)

Director: Duane Huey

Starring: (as themselves) Rowan Atkinson, Richard Briers, John Cleese, Geoffrey Hughes, Felicity Kendal, Penelope Keith, John Inman, Frank Thornton and more comedic actors than you can shake a stick at.

More Info: IMDB

Plot: A tribute to the leading men of British television situation comedies.

My Rating: 8/10

Would I watch it again? Sure

I LOVE British TV comedy. There are some greats. My favorites are:

Benny Hill
Monty Python's Flying Circus
You Rang M'Lord
Are You Being Served
Fawlty Towers
The Good Life
Keeping Up Appearances
Nighty Night
Mr. Bean
Knowing Me, Knowing You with Alan Partridge
I'm Alan Partridge
The Comic Strip Presents
The Young Ones
Absolutely Fabulous
Black Adder
Da Ali G Show
Dad's Army
Little Britain
The Office
Only Fools and Horses
The Thin Blue Line

Host and funny man Lenny Henry takes us through a bunch of clips of classic British TV comedies and interview with those men who starred in them. I could have done with less host and more of everything else. Henry wasn't that funny as the host but he was hysterical in the clips from his TV show, Chef. If you're into Britcoms then you'll really dig this doc. Otherwise, run awayyyyyyyyyyyyy.

High Plains Drifter (1973)

Director: Clint Eastwood

Starring: Clint Eastwood, Geoffrey Lewis

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: Welcome to Hell

Plot: A gunfighting stranger comes to the small settlement of Lago and is hired to bring the townsfolk together in an attempt to hold off three outlaws who are on their way.

My Rating: 9/10

Would I watch it again? Oh, yeah

You can always count on a Clint Eastwood western. This one is probably one that a lot of people may have missed. It's so different from anything that came before it. Eastwood knocked this one out the park. The supernatural/horror aspect of this creeps up on you until, by the end, it engulfs you wondering, "What the hell was that?". I have my theory but it doesn't matter. HPD is an engaging story with an unusual angle and a method that goes against traditional westerns. He's fucking with it and having a blast all the while. Great stuff. Great cast and a gloriously fucked up ending.

"Somebody left the door open and the wrong dogs came home."

You ain't shittin'!

Batman Begins (2005)

Director: Christopher Nolan

Starring: Christian Bale, Morgan Freeman, Michael Caine, Liam Neeson, Katie Holmes, Gary Oldman, Tom Wilkinson, Rutger Hauer

More Info: IMDB

Plot: When fate prevents him from avenging the deaths of his parents, young Bruce Wayne flees to Asia where he seeks counsel from a dangerous ninja cult leader known as Ra's al Ghul. When he returns, Bruce finds that Gotham City has become overrun with crime and corruption, and that there are forces at work trying to remove him from his inherited place as the owner of Wayne Industries. Discovering a cave under Wayne Manor, Bruce assumes a new identity as a secret detective and guardian of the people of Gotham City against the criminals that plague them...

My Rating: 8/10

Would I watch it again? Are you as thrilled as I that Katie Holmes was replaced for THE DARK KNIGHT?

Great flick. It was nice to see this character taken seriously. What's even better is that they got one of my favorite directors (I fucking went apeshit over MEMENTO) and he filled the movie with people who are great actors with the exception of one - Katie Holmes. She's terrible. When I originally saw this in the theater I didn't recall having seen her in anything else. She's horrible and after watching the blu-ray disc she's still bad but in hi-def. I did the happy dance when I found out she was being replaced for the sequel by a muuuuuch better actress, Maggie Gyllenhaal.

The last quarter of the film isn't as strong as the rest but it's still better than most of what Hollywood puts out. And the best part about this film is, as good as it is, THE DARK KNIGHT took that and kicked it up a few notches, something that no one could have expected. Well, fuck-o's in Hollywood, that's what you get when you put real talent behind and in front of the camera and treat the material with respect.

Planet of the Apes (1968)

Director: Franklin J. Schaffner

Starring: Charlton Heston, Roddy McDowall, Kim Hunter, James Daly

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: Somewhere in the Universe, there must be something better than man!

Plot: An astronaut crew crash lands on a planet in the distant future where intelligent talking apes are the dominant species, and humans are the oppressed and enslaved.

My Rating: 9/10

Would I watch it again? Can Chuck Heston ham it up or what?

Here's a great sci-fi flick that never gets old. I would LOVE to see this on a giant movie screen. I recently watched it on a 12'x9' outdoor movie screen in my backyard and it kicked ass but I still want it bigger than life way on up there.

I love the starkness of the Forbidden Zone. Heston is a fucking heartless badass. Every time I watch it I'm always taken aback by how much of a matter-of-fact, face fucking reality jerk-off asshole he is. I love it.

For the ladies there's lots of rear male nudity. Sadly the film makers neglected to put in some ape full frontal. Oh, well. Them's tha breaks.

Jerry Goldsmith's score is balls-to-the-fucking-wall insane. I like the trial scenes that give you lots of stuff to think about regarding society and parallels but I would have liked a little more action towards the 2/3 move thing along a little faster but I really shouldn't complain. It's an amazing film and it blows that piece of horrendous shit that is a remake from 2001 out of the water. Avoid the Tim Burton remake at all costs. It's an insult to this American classic.

The Usual Suspects (1995)

Director: Bryan Singer

Starring: Gabriel "Badass" Byrne, Kevin "Badass" Spacey, Kevin "Badass" Pollak, Benicio "Badass" Del "Badass" Toro, Stephen "Cameltoe" Baldwin, Chazz "Badass" palminteri, Pete "Badass" Postlethwait, Dan "Badass" Hedaya

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: Five Criminals . One Line Up . No Coincidence

Plot: A boat has been destroyed, criminals are dead, and the key to this mystery lies with the only survivor and his twisted, convoluted story beginning with five career crooks in a seemingly random police lineup.

My Rating: 10/10

Would I watch it again? Is Tom Cruise gay?

There's not much need to talk about this. I've seen it. You've seen it. Everyone's seen it. It's virtually flawless. The only flaw? Having Stephen Baldwin in the picture but he's at least OK for this and not really that annoying. The story rocks, the pacing is quick and intriguing, the music is great (despite the way-too-similarity to John Williams' theme to MONSIGNOR) and the ending kicked me square in the balls causing me to walk funny for days afterwards. It's fantastic. If you haven't seen it, stop reading now and get it. It's got an amazing cast and it put Spacey on the map, front and center.

Fucking cops.

The Ninth Gate (1999)

Director: Roman Polanski

Starring: Johnny Depp, Frank Langella, Lena Olin

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: Every book has a life of its own.

Plot: A rare book dealer, while seeking out the last two copies of a demon text, gets drawn into a conspiracy with supernatural overtones.


My Rating: 9/10

Would I watch it again? Did John Candy like Doritos?

This movie is all about the pacing, the unraveling of a mystery, the mood and the atmosphere. I'm a huge fan of the composer, Wojciech Kilar. Ever since his amazing score for BRAM STOKER'S DRACULA (1992) I've been seeking out his films and scores. This man's talent is frightening. He excels at creating atmosphere unlike any other film composer. His score is a huge factor in why I love this movie.

Depp is great and Langella is fucking awesome. The ending is outstanding. It doesn't disappoint and the kills along the way are ghoulish and fun. The look and direction are right in line with every other fine aspect of the film. I dig Polanski's work but I have to say he's a major asshole because throughout the entire audio commentary not once, NOT FUCKING ONCE does he mention the composer. He mentions the woman singing but that's the only time he speaks about the music at all. He acknowledged that the woman singing was very talented. That's it. Asshole. Now I'm pissed. See this movie and don't allow interruptions or distractions.

Dark City (1998) (Director's Cut - Blu-ray)

Director: Alex Proyas

Starring: Rufus Sewell, William Hurt, Kiefer Sutherland, Jennifer Connelly

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: Darkness Falls Soon

Plot: A man struggles with memories of his past, including a wife he cannot remember, in a nightmarish world with no sun and run by beings with telekinetic powers who seek the souls of humans.

My Rating: 9/10

Would I watch it again? Is Lindsay Lohan confused?

I've watched this twice before which was the theatrical release and I loved it then. I can't recall what's different about the new director's cut but it's still an outstanding piece of sci-fi cinema. It's so refreshing to see a film, let alone a sci-fi film, that pulls you from side to side and requires you to think for a change. It's moderately paced and beautiful to look at. The world created by Proyas is old and new at the same time. The film noir quality is rich. It's a somewhat quiet film that needs your attention. If you make it to the end you will be very satisfied. It's an excellent Blu-ray presentation and it comes highly recommended.

Pirates of Blood River (1962)

Director: John Gilling

Starring: Christopher Lee, Andrew Keir, Kerwin Matthews, Oliver Reed, Desmond "Bond's 'Q'" Llewlyn

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: Ransacking a lost tropic island... for a fabulous idol of gold!

Plot: In a village of Huguenot refugees, Jonathan Standish is exiled by his father to a nearby penal colony for his improper relationship with a married woman. This penal colony is then invaded by pirates who force Jonathan to lead them back to his village, convinced that it contains a great treasure.

My Rating: 5/10

Would I watch it again? Not likely since there are so many better pirate movies out there

It's hard to like a pirate movie that has two of the lead good guys with strong American accents with EVERYONE else around them with British and French accents. I had the same problem with Robert Taylor in IVANHOE (1952).

Christopher Lee nails it with his French/English accent. What a badass, too. He's really the reason to watch this. You get to see Reed in an early role as one of Lee's pirates. James Bond's "Q" has a small role and Andrew Keir, a Hammer studio (who made this) regular, is fun to watch. I haven't seen much from the Hammer studio that wasn't horror but after seeing this, even though they've got some great locales, costumes and such, they're better with the horror genre than the action/adventure genre.

Oooh, a woman gets eaten by a shitload of piranha! It's OK to watch and sorta neat but it definitely doesn't have any replay value. Yarrrrr!

Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricky (1991)

Director: Ngai Kai Lam

Starring: Siu-Wong Fan

More Info: IMDB

Plot: A young man with superhuman strength is incarcerated at a prison run by corrupt officials and seeks to use his martial arts to clean up the system.

My Rating: 8/10

Would I watch it again? Shit, yeah, Baby!

This is BFI - Batshit Fucking Insane. This is the kind of movie that will have you cheering out loud with lots of expletives and lots of high-fives with your neighbors. Take out some of the slow back story and the slow bits with his long gone girlfriend and this is one of the best group fun movies ever.

Here's just one "tiny" fight scene:

And that's just 15 minutes into the picture. It doesn't stop for another hour and ten.

If you've watched The Daily Show then you've seen the clip where a guy boxes another guy's head and it explodes but TDS shows it then reverses it and forward again? That's from this movie and that's just the tip of the iceberg as to the crazy insane shit you get throughout the picture. Run, don't walk, to get this one. Thank me later. For a small taste, go to YouTube and find some of the fight scenes. Prepare to wet yourself and those around you.

Bohachi: Code of the Forgotten Eight (1973)

Director: Teruo Ishii

Starring: Tetsuro Tamba

More Info: IMDB

Plot: Tetsuro Tanba plays a nihilistic ronin who faces down the "Clan of the Forgotten Eight", who got their name because they lost all their basic emotions like conscience, gratitude, loyalty, shame etc. With his sword Onibouchou (literally: Ogre's Kitchen Knife!) Tanba's character hacks into their ranks in ways that has limbs and severed heads fly everywhere and the blood flows in rivers! On his way, he only stops to take every woman he meets, forcefully if need be!

My Rating: 8/10

Would I watch it again? I love this kind of shit

There's a scene where our hero, Shino the Assassin, approaches a beautiful young woman. She opens a pair of shears, places them to her neck and tells Shino, "One step closer and I'll kill myself." Shino pulls out a large knife and says, "This one is more efficient."

Or how about this one. Shino, and his annoying-soon-to-die-a-grisly-death-sidekick, are attacked by an assassin who surrounds them with fire and flees. Shino, facing certain death, is rescued. How? Six heavily robed women put hoods over their faces, roll frantically back and forth over the flames, extinguishing them little by little until the fire is out and Shino is no longer trapped. They lie there motionless as one waves for Shino to come over and motions him to cut her out of her robes. He does and she's completely nude. Then she cuts the others free and they are equally nude!!!

Still not convinced you need to see this? It gets better.

After explaining to Shino that they were sent by a clan leader to protect him, they mosey off through the woods still nude. They are attacked by an assassin and the women get into defensive positions, They suddenly have knives (which must have been hidden in their vaginas because they didn't have them a second ago) and fight. One by one they are overcome by an assassin and now it's Shino's turn to save them.

This kind of shit goes on all through the picture. What an amazing film. It's so wild unpredictable that you can't wait to see what's in store next. There's fountains of blood from severed limbs, ears and heads that go flying through the air in slow motion. There's nudity galore from countless beautiful Japanese women. And it's got a great ending that's just screaming for a sequel that, to my knowledge and searching, doesn't exist. I LOVE LOVE LOVE Japanese cinema of the 60s and 70s. They delivered so many amazing images and sequences that you are not likely to see from any other country. THIS is entertainment.

D'Wild Wild Weng (1982)

Director: Eddie Nicart

Starring: Weng Weng

More Info: IMDB

Plot: Weng Weng and sidekick Gordon (Max ZUMA Laurel) are sent to the countryside to investigate the murder of Santa Monica’s mayor. The town is now overrun by the corrupt governor Sebastian (played by Romy Diaz) and his army of banditos, all dressed up to look like Mexican revolutionaries. The ending has Weng cranking a Gatling gun - on the back of a jeep - mowing down wave after wave of sombreros, while a tribe of dwarf Indians launch a counterattack with bows and arrows.

My Rating: 8/10

Would I watch it again? Does the pope shit in the woods? Yep.

If you've never experience Weng Weng you are truly missing out on one of life's great treasures. Go to YouTube and seek him out. I was first touched by his genius in FOR YOUR HEIGHT ONLY and then the follow up, THE IMPOSSIBLE KID. FYHO is fucking brilliant film making at its zenith and DWWW follows closely behind.

If the plot synopsis doesn't do it for you then leave. This is a bad movie laugh riot from start to finish. A Filipino western with a 2'9" hero battling the bad guys and a tribe of Pygmies that are really dwarfs & midgets in war paint all to the soothing sounds of Filipino Mariachi music. It's a fucking classic. Seek it out. Ooooh, and there's Ninja!

You can at least rent FYHO and decide to go from there. You will NEVER forget what you have seen. Ever.

Inglorious Bastards (1978)

Director: Enzo G. Castellari

Starring: Bo Svenson, Peter Hooten, Fred Williamson

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: Whatever the Dirty Dozen did they do it dirtier!

Plot: Five escaped military prisoners -- killers, deserters and thieves among them -- set out across World War II France in search of freedom. After their prison convoy is ambushed, the men head for the Swiss border, but they wind up forced to undertake a suicide mission to infiltrate a Nazi train and steal a top secret missile warhead.

My Rating: 7/10

Would I watch it again? Yup

I loves me some WWII flicks, especially those from the 60s and early 70s. This one's a little late in the game but it's a great little Euro War picture from Italy. It's got a great story and it's nicely paced. A major irritation for me is the abundance of slapsticky humor and silly bits. I can do without that. I'm not looking for a WWII flick that I can watch with a 4 year old. They weren't going for that demographic or they wouldn't have thrown this in:

Nice, huh? When's the last time you saw a WWII movie with that in it? Gotta love the Italians and their penchant for sleazing things up a bit. The cast is great with Svenson taking the lead. Williamson is great, too, but he has his silly moments that sometimes detract. He's a wisenheimer throughout the picture but he's still too cool for school.

The guy that plays the Italian goofball would've been better if it hadn't been for the sheer silliness of the role. The music is quite good at times but the orchestra is way too thin and it does jump off the cheesy deep end from time to time. Overall, it's a lighthearted, fun Italian WWII picture that is a great way to kill a couple of hours on a lazy Saturday or Sunday afternoon.

Two more things. The only connection between this and THE DIRTY DOZEN is that these guys were prisoner before they escaped. That's where the similarity ends. I'm fed up with people trying to compare this to that. And Tarantino, in his interview with Enzo, is a pompous, conceited blowhard with talent. His ego is too big even for that forehead of his. In the interview he claims ownership of the title as much as the original film makers because he championed the film to his friends in the early 80s. Shut up and make movies, noodlenuts.

1990: The Bronx Warriors (1982)

Director: Enzo G. Castellari

Starring: Vic Morrow, Fred Williamson, and a SHITLOAD of cheesy, gay costumed gangs

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: A Heavy Metal Journey Into An Urban Hell Where Everything Was Done Wrong!

Plot: In a post-apocalyptic New York City, a policeman infiltrates the Bronx, which has become a battleground for several murderous street gangs.

My Rating: 4

Would I watch it again? Not likely

Featured on Stephen Romano Presents Shock Festival (part of the TRAILER TRASH PROJECT)

Well, if you like your post-apocalyptic movies loaded with Italian cheese then this might be right up your alley. Every gang in this picture has it's own theme song and they all suck. The gangs are all dressed horribly bad, nothing like real gangs would dress like, and they're all so fucking lame. There's even one gang that look like they're all Bob Fosse impersonators! You half expect some West Side Story music to drop and everyone suddenly breaks out into dance for the big fight. Vic Morrow's picking up a paycheck on this one, that and a case of whiskey. Fred Williamson somehow manages to look silly. How do you get Fred "Badass" Williamson to look gay? Put him smack in the middle of this movie and wait. The poster'll give you a hint.

I digs me some Italian trash but this one just didn't entertain me enough to recommend. It tried. I tried. We both failed. But it's still a fuckmore entertaining than SGT. PEPPER'S LONELY HEARTS CLUB BAND (1978).

Stargate (1994)

Director: Roland Emmerich

Starring: Kurt Russell, James Spader

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: It Will Take You A Million Light Years From Home

Plot: An interstellar teleportation device, found in Egypt, leads to a planet with humans resembling ancient Egyptians who worship the god Ra. Typical things start to happen.

My Rating: 5/10

Would I watch it again? Nope

I really had higher expectations for this. It's talked about as a great film, there's a successful TV series based on it. It's fine for what it is but it falls into the "typical Hollywood movie" syndrome plagued by so many big-budgeted sci-fi films. The desert planet people looked like rejects from MAD MAX BEYOND THUNDERDOME and countless other post apocalyptic films. That look is over-done. Stop it. Bad, Hollywood, bad.

Kurt Russell seemed wasted on his roll. It was too contrived at the end. And I didn't care for the alien race story and reasoning either. It felt like a re-hash of older stories that had no sci-fi origins just transplanted to another planet WHICH LOOKS JUST LIKE PARTS OF OURS! All of that and the 128 run time killed me. There's some interesting things going on from time to time but in the end it's just a typical bloated, cliched, poorly executed attempt at entertainment. Maybe the TV show is better. It'd have to be.

Heavy Metal (1981)

Director: Gerald Potterton

Starring: John Candy, Joe Flaherty, Harold Ramis, Eugene Levy, John Vernon

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: A Step Beyond Science Fiction

Plot: A glowing orb terrorizes a young girl with a collection of stories of dark fantasy, eroticism and horror.

My Rating: 5/10

Would I watch it again? Nope

I can't believe that I've lived this long without seeing this movie. Now I can believe that if I live to be 1,000 I will never see this movie again. It's great if you're ten years old. It's an anthology with only one decent story (the last one, if I remember right). Everything else is just OK. Nothing special.

If there's one thing I learned about outer space from this film it's that there are no women with less than a healthy D-cup, a tiny waist and curvaceous hips.

Good score by Elmer Bernstein, though.

One good thing that came out of this is that a lot of the cab driver story ended up in THE FIFTH ELEMENT (1997).

The Rundown (2003)

Director: Peter Berg

Starring: Dwayne Johnson, Sean William Scott, Rosario Dawson, Christopher Walken

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: Bulls, guns, whips, gold and one sacred cat

Plot: A tough aspiring chef is hired to bring home a mobster's son from the Amazon but becomes involved in the fight against an oppressive town operator and the search for a legendary treasure.

My Rating: 7/10

Would I watch it again? Sure

Fun, fun, fun movie. It's the first film I've seen Johnson in (I saw this in the theater previously) and I was surprised at how charismatic he was. Scott is funny as is the banter between him and Johnson. Walken is always fun to watch. Dawson wasn't very good. And I like her. She's definitely gotten better but then that's when she worked with Kevin Smith, Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez and those guys can get great performances out of anyone.

The opening sequence with Johnson on a job to extract something from a football player in a club is fucking awesome. After that the picture moves along at a pretty good clip. It's funny and it's doing a little something different with the genre. It's just damn fun. But about halfway through the movie Dawson show back up in the jungle to save the day and from that point for the next half hour it's downhill. Not as much action, not as much humor and not as much chemistry. It's still fun but that last 2/3 drag brings it down. Other than that it was a blast.

Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band (1978)

Director: Michael Schultz

Starring: The Bee Gees and everyone else in Hollywood without any common sense

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: A splendid time is guaranteed for all.

Plot: Small town band hits it big, but they must battle a nefarious plot in the music industry.

Here's the trailer but you can find a ton of clips on YouTube:

My Rating: 2/10 and that's being generous

Would I watch it again? Not even with somebody else's eyes

Remember those bubblegum card packs we used to get when we were kids? Like STAR WARS, THE BLACK HOLE, or whatever movie was hot that summer? And remember that thin rectangular strip of hard pink gum that came with it? And even though it smelled kinda good, you'd put it in your mouth and suddenly it tasted like semi-flavored cardboard and it would break apart as you tried to chew it which, despite your giving that gum a chance, you end up spitting it out because, in the end, it's a completely worthless piece of shit. That's this movie.

It's horrendously slow and just plain awful. I watched it with a bunch of friends thinking, "how bad could it be?". Well, at one point I hit the display to see how much time we had left since it seemed to be well over an hour at that point and it looked like it could be wrapping up. FUCK ME! WE'RE ONLY 40 MINUTES INTO IT AND THERE'S AN HOUR AND FIFTEEN MINUTES LEFT TO GO!! I started drinking heavily. I'm serious. I started drinking. By the time it was over I was hammered and I don't remember much about watching THE BLUES BROTHERS afterwards. I'm double pissed because I sat through this giant turd AND I missed the great film that followed. Fuck You, Bee Gees!

Bond 13: Octopussy (1983)

Director: John Glen

Starring: Roger Moore, Maud Adams, Louis Jourdan

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: James Bond's all time high.

Plot: A fake Fabergé egg and a fellow agent's death leads James Bond to uncovering an international jewel smuggling operation, headed by the mysterious Octopussy, being used to disguise a nuclear attack on NATO forces.

My Rating: 7/10

Would I watch it again? Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Pretty good Bond picture. I really dig Inda as a locale. Jourdan makes a great villain. He's got class and that goes a long way. But that hideous beast of a girlfriend is easily one of the most unattractive Bond women EVER. EVER. (shown below left of Jourdan).

I really wish they'd treat the Ruskies seriously. Since THE SPY WHO LOVED ME they've been cartoon characters. I know, look at what we're dealing with. It's Bond. But still. The general who goes apeshit wanting to destroy the West is way over the top. I like the Bond pictures that have a little edge and seriousness. The guy that played Bond's contact in India, Vijay Amritraj (Vijay) was awesome. I would have liked to have seen more of him.

Other than that it's the final assault on Jourdan's palace tha bugs me. I mean, come on. A bunch of circus acrobatic women in skin-tight clothes politely killing and beating people up? And Bond showing up with Q in a HOT AIR BALLOON??? WTF? Up to that point it's a pretty good film and then they just lose it.

"James Bond will return in...Octocameltoe"
(click the picture to enlarge - you have been warned)

This came out one year prior to INDIANA JONES AND THE TEMPLE OF DOOM and it's interesting how they share a few things in common. Jourdan's enforcer looks just like one of the main thugs in DOOM and there's also a dinner scene where Jourdan & company are served a disgusting entre - boiled sheep's head or something like it. You can't help but know that Spielberg/Lucas ripped off some ideas from this picture. Christ on crutches; A VIEW TO A KILL (1985) is next. Kill me now.

Scorethefilm will return with his thoughts to...


Chrome and Hot Leather (1971)

Director: Lee Frost

Starring: William "Badass Muthafucker" Smith, Tony Young, Marvin Gaye, Wes Bishop, Bobby "Monster Mash" Pickett

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: Don't muck around with a Green Beret's Mama! He'll take his chopper and ram it down your throat!

Plot: A Green Beret returns home from the Vietnam war to find that a gang of murderous bikers has killed his fiancee. He calls on several of his Green Beret buddies to come and help him take revenge on the gang.

My Rating: 4/10

Would I watch it again? Uh-ah

#74 on Dusk to Dawn Drive-In Trash-o-Rama Show Vol. 1 (part of the TRAILER TRASH PROJECT)

What a great tagline! What a great plot! You've got William Smith as the leader of a biker gang for fuck's sake! Great movie, huh? Nope. Not by a long shot.

What hurts this picture is the lead Green Beret, Tony Young as Mitch. He's as wooden as Al Gore and has as much emotional range as a Vegas hooker after drinking two roofie coladas. Then you add that to him and his Army buddies dress like gay bikers and ride Japanese dirt bikes pretending to be real bikers. They look like fancy lads when compared to William Smith's crew.

They even have a bike riding training montage on their dirt bikes set to a song called, "Butterfly Wings"!!!!!!!!!!!! Fags. No offense, of course. I don't mean to belittle gays by comparing them to these bozo losers. For what it's worth, the rest of the soundtrack is shitty, too.

THEN you toss on the fact that Mitch wants revenge but he doesn't want to kill anyone so he and the boys use Army training rounds and dummy smoke grenades to scare the bikers into submission. You go through this potentially ripe story, waiting patiently 'cause you just know there's going to be some serious bloodshed at the end of the picture and there isn't any. We were fucking pissed. I felt like that really ugly, lonely girl that goes out on her first date in years, gives HERSELF a roofie, and her date politely leaves without so much as a grope.

Bond 12: For Your Eyes Only (1981)

Director: John Glen

Starring: Roger Moore, Carole Bouquet, Topol, Julian Glover

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: Bond Has Everything - James Bond Agent 007 Is Back

Plot: Agent 007 is assigned to hunt for a lost British encryption device and prevent it from falling into enemy hands.

My Rating: 8/10

Would I watch it again? Yep

After sending Bond into space with MOONRAKER the producers decided to bring Bond back to Earth, so to speak, by creating a more realistic, grounded Bond picture. No one has a plot to take over the world. And for all of that I really like the direction they were taking. There's less humor which I dig.

What I don't dig is Bill Conti's disco score. Barry must've been unavailable but surely they could've done better than Conti. He's got one sliver of a tender moment between Bond and Melina that's great. But that's only a few notes. The rest of the score is obnoxious as hell.

Topol kicks major ass. He should be in every Bond picture. Lynn-Holly Johnson is luscious as the teenage ice-skating Bibi. Mmmmmmm. Bibi.

Kudos to the film makers for trying to bring Bond back to a serious spy story. Too bad the music sucks. Mmmmmmm. Bibi. Mmmmmmmm.

Scorethefilm will return with his thoughts to...


Saturn 3 (1980)

Director: Stanley Donen

Starring: Kirk Douglas, Farrah Fawcett, Harvey Keitel

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: Some*thing* is wrong on Saturn 3.

Plot: Two lovers stationed at a remote base in the asteroid fields of Saturn are intruded upon by a retentive technocrat from Earth and his charge: a malevolent 8-ft robot.

My Rating: 4/10

Would I watch it again? Fuck no

Featured on Stephen Romano Presents Shock Festival (part of the TRAILER TRASH PROJECT)

Goddamn this movie is bad. I remember back in the early 80s, as a pubescent young boy, waiting up late at night to catch this on HBO to see one thing.

There. Now you've seen it. That's all she shows throughout the entire picture. You don't need to watch this movie. It's bad. So so bad.

What I like:

- The ship's interior design, with the exception of the stupid bright colored vent pipes, is excellent.
- I'm cool with Kirk's character being older.
- I dig the plot.
- Keitel's voice was dubbed. It was bizarre at first, knowing full-well what he sounds like as an actor, but I got used to it. It works if only for the fact that Keitel's natural accent would have ruined it. He sounded like an android here and it suited his cold character.

What I didn't like:

- Fawcett is not a good actress. They should've gone with someone whose talent extends beyond their sex organs.
- It's SLOW, SLOW, SLOW. You've only got 3 humans on a ship and a killer hot-to-trot robot. You've got to do something to keep the pace brisk once the shit hits the fan.
- Kirk didn't have to die. OOOPS! SPOILERS!!!

Avoid it. I wanted to like this film. I love a good sci-fi story but I hate it when the fuck it up in the execution. Go watch ALIEN instead and leave this clone to fade away.

Bond 11: Moonraker (1979)

Director: Lewis Gilbert

Starring: Roger Moore, Lois Chiles, Michael Lonsdale, Richard Kiel

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: Where all the other Bonds end . . . this one begins!

Plot: James Bond investigates the mid-air theft of a space shuttle and discovers a plot to commit global genocide.

My Rating: 9/10. That's right, 9/10.

Would I watch it again? Yes

I love this movie and it's mostly because of John Barry's most beautiful and lush Bond score ever. It sucks me in. Sure, the film's got some silliness in it, and, for the most part, I don't care for it. But the movie's a lot of fun and I enjoy the hell out of it. If you're one of the others that thinks it's one of the worst, then suck it.

I'm tellin' ya, the music just pulls me right into it and doesn't let go. I've said it before, I like every actor that's played Bond - A LOT. They all bring something to the character that I like. I may not like the films but I like the actors.

One of my favorite scenes in the movie has always been, since I was a kid when I saw it in the theater, the centrifuge trainer sequence. It feels real and his predicament feels real and you start to believe that maybe he might not make it. You know he will because it's in the first 20 minutes that it happens. Moore pulls out a very convincing performance here and it's very effective.

This movie doesn't fuck around. In the first 20 minutes Bond has met the villain and is almost killed. Now let's talk about Lonsdale. This guy is a beast. He's very soft-spoken but you can tell that he's very much in control, brilliant, and ruthless. After his initial meeting with Bond he tells his hired killer, Chang, "Look after Mr. Bond. See that some harm comes to him." Fucking badass.

His under-played performance is enhanced when, on the space station, he tells Jaws to remove Bond and Goodhead (giggidy). Jaws hesitates and Drax repeats the order, this time barking it very loudly and strongly like a vicious beast. Goddamn if it isn't a jarring scene that makes you feel on edge. Very nicely done.

The death of Drax's personal helicopter pilot is particularly effective. As she runs through the forest being chased by dogs, with moments of slow motion, John Barry's brooding score underplays the entire scene. It's ominous and tense but the notes move slowly. Damn, what a fine scene.

Ken Adam's sets are astonishing.

And the space station reveal is beautifully done.

I could go on and on. Even though there are a lot of plot points here that have been stolen from previous Bond pictures, it still comes down to entertainment and this, to me, defines Bond as entertainment. Now wait until I rip that piece of shit apart that is A VIEW TO A KILL (1985)

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