Friday, September 2, 2011

Bloodhounds of Broadway (1952)

Director: Harmon Jones

Starring: Mitzi Gaynor, Scott Brady, Mitzi Green, Marguerite Chapman, Michael O'Shea, Wally Vernon, CHARLES 'BADASS' BRONSON!

More info: IMDb

Plot: When a bookie on the run (Brady) falls for a pretty country songbird (Gaynor), he'll do anything to help her make it big -- including a stint in jail to pay for his crimes. But will the tough guy's sacrifice of the heart pay off when it comes to his girlfriend's singing career?

My rating: 5.5/10

Will I watch it again? Nah. Zero kills = not enough killin'.

#10 on Project: Badass Charles Bronson

What the hell? You mean this isn't an early Charles Bronson musical which served as the basis for DEATH WISH (1974)? I thought for sure we'd get to see Bronson singin', dancin' & killin' his way from the mean streets to the glitter and glamour of Broadway. I imagined a song called, "I'm Gonna Break Your Legs Like You Broke My Heart", where he warbles through a beautiful, lyrical melody to his former favorite gal and her new beau all the while twirling a baseball bat like a high school majorette and then ending the song with a WHACK, in perfect timing with the orchestra's final note and final breath of his EX-girlfriend. The boyfriend gets the stinger. Ba-da-BOMP!

Instead we get Guys and Dolls-lite. The picture's OK. Not that great even for a musical but it's not that bad, either. The songs aren't memorable, the dance routines are well choreographed and executed, the characters are all stereotypes and the jokes are light and harmless. There are really only two reasons to watch this - Timothy Carey plays a barefoot, shotgun totin' hillbilly and Badass Charles Bronson's 3 speaking scenes...

You can start to see the rage build up in him that causes him to pick up a Tommy gun and level the joint all while singing a song called, "You Don't Need Those Kneecaps!".

What you don't see is that Bronson leaves the office, beats up two thugs in the alley, comes back inside all bloodied up asking for any and all takers. The room clears out leaving only one man standing, crying, petrified in fear.

Bronson, being the most testosterone laden man that ever walked the Earth, soon becomes overtaken by the girl and her cooking, pummels the guys into fleshy sacks of broken bones and tenderized organs, takes the girl (and the candied yams and the picked spare ribs) away from New York and starts his own colony of super humans that train for the sole purpose of taking over the world! One generation later is all we'll have to wait for the submission of modern civilization to Badass Charles Bronson and his offspring.

But first he hast to be a thug waiter at the boss's nightclub.

I'm not going to tell him the steak isn't rare like I asked for.

I'm sure it doesn't take long before he realizes he's been had and he throws down that tray in exchange for a throw down with the man calling the shots. Bronson isn't going to take this lying down, you know. Before you know it he'll be busting up folks left and right only because it feels good and he needs to keep in practice.

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