Friday, October 1, 2010

Alice in Wonderland: An X-Rated Musical Fantasy (1976)

Director: Bud Townsend

Starring: Kristine DeBell, Alan Novak, Larry Gelman

More info: IMDb

Tagline: An X-Rated Musical Comedy

Plot: Alice (DeBell) is a virginal librarian, cheerful and outgoing, who acts and dresses younger than her age. She rebuffs William, a suitor, because he's insistent on behavior she considers inappropriate: she's a prude. While daydreaming about reliving her life, a white rabbit taps her on the shoulder, and she follows him to Wonderland, where playful animals and people introduce her to her imagination and to pleasure. After encounters with the imperious Queen of Hearts, Alice decides that Wonderland may not be for her, and she longs for William.

My rating: 5/10

Will I watch it again? Noooooope!

Ahhhhh...the 70s. The decade that brought us XXX versions of our favorite fairytales and stories of yore like THE EROTIC ADVENTURES OF PINOCCHIO (1971), THE EROTIC ADVENTURES OF ZORRO (1972), THE SEX ADVENTURES OF THE THREE MUSKETEERS (1971), THE NEW ADVENTURES OF SNOW WHITE (1969) and more.

Soooooooo after watching the disappointing recent Tim Burton ALICE IN WONDERLAND (2010), I couldn't help but think that I should dig into this saucier version from the 70s produced by Bill Osco, the man who brought us FLESH GORDON (1974). I thought for sure this one would be better than Burton's. His was flawed, sure, but this one is...

There's two ways to look at this - as a 1) spoof and 2) porno. Does it work on either level? Not really. The whole idea of a spoof is to make it, uh, um, let's see, er, ah...funny! The jokes are too few and too weak. That's not to say I didn't laugh a few times. I don't know, maybe I was just itching for something to entertain me and I was grabbing at anything.

Speaking of grabbing at things, there's one thing you won't be reaching for and that's your...uh, er, uh looking glass, so to speak. There's nothing in this flick that you'll be adding to your spank bank, that's for damn sure. There are two versions on the DVD, the X rated and the rarer XXX rated. What's the difference? Two more X's.

You want nudity? You'll have to wait 16 minutes and two song and dance routines into the picture before that happens.

What's that? You expect explicit sex in your XXX movies? Well, you'll have to wait another 11 minutes, about HALF WAY INTO THE MOVIE! It's only an hour and 18 minutes long for crying out loud! Anyway, Alice meets the Mad Hatter and blows him. Brilliant.

Along her travels she comes across Humpty Dumpty who, as a result of having a great fall, can no longer get a hard-on, just like in the original story. This movie came out in 1976, 7 years before RETURN OF THE JEDI (1983)...just sayin'...

Some nurses show up to help by putting on a nice little striptease and then making out with each other. Nothing happens. There's nothing hard boiled about this guy. Alice helps out by using her newly discovered talent of fellatio (do you think Luke could've revived Vader if he had...).

That does it and HD's back on the wall with his strap on dick.

Hey, kids, it's Tweedledee and Tweedledum and they don't wear pants! It gets better...they're brother and sister! (not the actors, just the characters).

Seriously, I think George Luca$ pulled some inspiration from this, in more ways than one! More singing and dancing after they get their rocks off and we come across some bimbo riding a black knight. Another song and dance bit starts up, in the middle of which the biggest laugh of the picture happens. The Black Knight (Bruce Finklesteen) pops up with some singing. OMFG was it funny.

At the castle we meet Captain Kangaroo and Truck Turner.

More singing and dancing with some of the broads from the Robert Palmer music videos...

King Truck Turner works his magic on bedding Alice...

but before he gets anywhere the Queen shows up looking all fugly as hell...

She wants Alice to give her head and if she doesn't, she'll lose her head. Alice doesn't think that's fair and asks for a trial. The king says, and I just love this guy's amateurish delivery (it really is fantastic) when he says...

"Wait a minute! We must have a fair trial. If Alice is found guilty,
then she must go down on the queen."

Priceless. The trial begins and when the judge calls for order in the court, one guy orders a sandwich, another a bagel and so on. OK, that was funny. If only there had been more rapid fire, vaudevillian gags like that I'd be more behind this, in a manner of speaking of course. More singing and dancing. The trial's over and everybody's fucking everybody with lighthearted music in the background (as if the singing and dancing never stopped.)

The final gut-busting laugh of the picture (spoken in French)...

Rocks are gotten off and now Alice must be prepared to go down on the Queen. Jesus this woman's makeup is hideous. I'm sure she's an attractive woman but you'd never know it from this.

After the royal cunnilingus, the Queen is fast asleep. Time for a getaway!

The chase sequence is annoying as hell. They removed several frames so that it's really jumpy. It's just awful to watch. She jumps in the lake and wakes up in the arms of her man at the library.

Another fuck scene and then we're transported outdoors in what has to be the coolest place ever despite the shitty-ass song!

Wow! Has it been an hour and 18 minutes already? The songs and music are just what you'd expect from 35 years ago. I didn't really care for them but I'm not much of a fan of most songs from musicals in the 70s to start with. Bucky Searles' music and songs are better than average but not good enough to get you humming them afterward.

Despite not really enjoying it all that much, there's an awful lot of talent here with the choreography, music, some of the acting and behind the camera stuff. I can't dislike it completely because there was clearly an effort to make something memorable - but as a comedy or spoof, it's just not that funny and as a porno, it's not that erotic nor is there as much sex as you would expect. But I'll tell you this much, Kristine DeBell is absolutely delightful and perfect as Alice. I was sure that I had seen her before but couldn't place it. Sure as shit, she was in MEATBALLS (1979). THAT'S IT! I can sleep now.

I've seen a few 70s classic porn flicks (mind you, it was twenty years ago during my adolescence, but still) so I'm not turned off by them. They may not really turn me on either but they had one thing that I can appreciate that's been lost for a long time - they required people to act with dialogue and there was at least an attempt to make a product that would last by telling a story and having some production values. As long as that's present, I'll have to give credit where credit is due. Having said that, I'll never have to watch this movie again.

But THROUGH THE LOOKING GLASS (1973). Shit! I guess there'll be a review coming next month.

May the force be with you...always.

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