Monday, October 4, 2010

Snow White & 7 Dwarfs (XXX) (1995)

Directors: Franco Lo Cascio & Joe D'Amato

Starring: Ludmilla Antonova

More info: IMDb

Plot: Queen fucks guards. Snow White fucks 7 dwarfs. The Prince fucks a potential wife and a peasant girl. Dwarfs kill Queen. The Prince fucks Snow White. Everyone lives happily ever after except for me.

My rating: 2/10

Will I watch it again? Kill me.

Read the plot over and over for the next two hours and you'll not come close to the horrors of this abomination. It's almost one of those slack-jawed "I can't believe what I'm seeing" things. I'm going to blame Tim Burton on how I came to see this. He made me watch the XXX rated ALICE IN WONDERLAND: AN X-RATED MUSICAL FANTASY (1976) and this seemed the next logical place to go. Woof. Wrong!

You're going to laugh at me but it wasn't the bad, repetitive boring fucking that got to me. It wasn't the "Snow White is actually enjoying the tandem dwarf dick". It wasn't the thin thread of plot. Not even the two hour length.

No. It was the music that offended me the most. It's a synth riff on Carl Orff's Carmina Burana. Dah dah duh duh. Dah dah duh duh. Dah dah duh duuuuuh daaaaah duh daaaaaaaaah. Over and over and over again. It opens the picture and plays all during any of the Queen's fuck sessions. It only lets up when they cut to SW and her scenes but it's back as soon as we see the Queen again. This goes on every five minutes or so FOR TWO FUCKING HOURS! It's criminal what I had to endure. It's the kind of thing that'll turn you off of porn...well, at least for the rest of the day.