Captain Lust and the Pirate Women (1977)

Director: Beau Buchanan

Starring: Wade Nichols, Bobby Astyr, Jake Teague, Beau Buchanan, Sharon MITchell, Veri KNOtty, Jamie Gillis, Nancy Dare, Cle Carson, Margarita Promponas, Ming Toy

More info: IMDb

Tagline: History's first "X" rated swashbuckler

Plot: This cinematic extravaganza was shot on location on a tropical Island and aboard the old, beautiful brigantine vessel, "Black Swan." The film tells the story of how Handsome Jack (Wade Nichols) and his sweet sister, Anne (Sharon Mitchell), assume secret identities to prove that Captain Lust (Jack Teague) was responsible for the death of their father, The Count of Monte Cristo. Love, sex, violence, pathos and humor abound in this tale of adventure, villainy, buried treasure and virgin sacrifice.

My rating: 6.5/10

Will I watch it again? No.

Part of the Nunsploitation Project (July & August 2013). Click here for more naughty nun insanity!  

OK, several sources on the internet have this labeled as a Nunsploitation film and it's not.  Bad Internet, bad!  I'll explain why in a moment. If you like your 70s porn or porn with a story and production values or naked pirates gettin' it on then this movie is for you!

Wow, he's really hung!  Ahahahahahahahaha.

Seriously, he is. See that 'X' on his dick?  It really does mark the spot.  See, he's got directions for buried treasure tattooed on his crank.

Meet Captain Lust!

That's right, she ties her labia into a knot through a padlock!  This picture has got a great sense of humor.  Just in case you missed it, they give you a title card and play it gain but even more close up.

One thing that both helps and hurts this picture is the continuous soundtrack of pirate songs and sea chantys.  On one hand it makes this a lot more fun but on the other they're so repetitious (even after a few short bars) that it often times gets old fast.

What song do you think they played over this scene?

You guessed it, "Blow the Man Down."

OK, so this is where the nun comes in.  The tattoo on the idiot's dick is in Latin and no one on board understands it, that is until Sister Inferior shows up and helps them out.

She blows the guy to get his treasure map big enough to read.  See what I mean about the sense of humor?  It's great.

There's a lot of surprisingly short fuck scenes and then we get the real action in the final few minutes...

And just when I thought they couldn't surprise me...

AWESOME!  Look out! Sharks!

Obviously you're not going to look for much of a plot when you watch these things but this one does have a wooden ship and a sometimes funny script.  They at least tried and I think they succeeded.  It's not as good as I thought it could be but it's better than most porn of the era in that it's pretty entertaining.  Unfortunately the copy I have looks and sounds like it was sourced from a VHS tape with the sound distorted enough to sometimes make it difficult to understand what was being said.  It didn't help that there were some poor, phony Cockney accents getting in the way.  I might give this one a shot if a really good, clean transfer shows up.  I might actually pick up more of the plot then, you know, because that's why I watched it...right?

Oh, and since this technically does have a nun and she's being exploited, I'll leave this title on the Nunsploitation page but put it under 'Honorable Mentions'.