Hitler's Harlot (1973)

Director: Hi Del (!)

Starring: Nancy Martin, Hans Lasch

More Info & Trailer: Something Weird Video

Plot: "The Commandant" (Wilson), an officer of the SS, and her assistant, Karl (Lasch), must find out the identity of John Paul, a resistance leader responsible for the "explosion at the foundry". Naturally, lots of sex follows.

My Rating: 4 (for the occasional laugh aided by alcohol)

Would I watch it again? Not even with your dick.

So I get home late Saturday night after a particularly stressful gig and I'm beat but not quite ready to retire for the evening. I had the great idea of making myself a drink and watching a movie. And, since it's technically Dec 7 (Pearl Harbor day), I thought some kind of WWII themed movie would do it. While skimming through my library of quality films I came across HITLER'S HARLOT and I suddenly had myself a winner. I'm thinkin', "hey, how bad can this be? I mean, hey, it's from '73 and it's got a great title that just screams exploitation - especially that of the Nazisploitation variety."

With my alcoholic beverage in hand (keeping it in line with WWII I made myself a White Russian) I slapped in what was sure to be the cinematic masterpiece of at least that night. The first thing I did was check the time remaining and it was perfect at 57 minutes. Great. I'll drink a little sump'm sump'm and watch a cheesy exploitation flick.

"Hi. Meine name ist Karl und Ich vill be your interrogator today."

As bad as this was and as gradually intoxicated as I became, I ended up taking 4 1/2 pages of notes!!! Here's my interpretation of that chicken scratch...

This was obviously made on whatever money some dude with a camera had in his wallet at the time after buying groceries and then being robbed at gunpoint. This opus opens with four people sitting in a hallway, three girls and one guy (a Karl Marx-lookin' fucker with a goat-ee, glasses and a Rooskie hat). Next we meet the only other two actors in this picture, "The Commandant" (I'll call her Inga) and her assistant, Karl. Karl brings in prisoner #1, a blonde, for Inga to interrogate her on her knowledge of "the explosion at the foundry". She knows nothing so Inga forces her to suck Karl's Nazi wang. HOLY FUCKING SHIT! IT'S A GODDAMED PORNO!!! I didn't sign up for this. I just wanted some cheesy sleaze! 54 more minutes to go.

"Next, please."

Inga has a wooden baton that she uses to violate #1 in her nether-cooze region. #1's ass, by the way, is riddled with zits and blemishes, like she'd just been blasted in the ass with a shotgun that morning. It's worth noting that #1 spends the next SEVERAL (I'm talking like 7-10) minutes blowing Karl with the imagination of table scraps. Back and forth. That's it! No tongue action, no lip movement, not facial expressions, NOTHING! It's just like how Elenor Roosevelt would have given a blow job 40 years AFTER her death. But hey, we get inter-cut shots of #1's blemished ass and The Great Baton Violation of '43.

In what has to be trick photography, Karl has an orgasm from the most boring un-erotic, un-feeling, amazingly inept blow job ever caught on film. I'm stymied how he was able to achieve an orgasm. I suspect foul play. Then FINALLY something different happens - Inga removes her SS uniform to reveal what we all suspected about female members of the SS - she's not wearing any underwear! Now she forces #1 to eat her which gives #1 the opportunity to prove that she really is that bad at giving head by essentially slowly nuzzling her face in Inga's pubes. Back and forth, side to side, with no technique or anything. I'm going to assume that since this is based on a true story that oral technique wasn't discovered/created until AFTER the war had ended and that this incident was probably the reason it was necessary to begin with. Can it get possibly better? You bet! This is all set to the music of Bernard Herrmann's brooding score to JOURNEY TO THE CENTER OF THE EARTH (1959)! I'm laughing my tipsy ass off at this point.


After repeatedly using the audio-looped line, "Tell me what you know about the explosion at the foundry.", Inga starts using the interrogation baton to masturbate. Now the music changes to the instrumental main title from the James Bond film, ON HER MAJESTY'S SECRET SERVICE (1969)!

After everybody's satisfied, Karl brings prisoner #2 in by the ear like she's 5 years old. #1 helps hold her down while Karl "interrogates" her to the music from a Miklos Rozsa film score I'm not familiar with. This is great, by the way, for film music buffs to test their mad skills. So I'm thinking to myself, "You know what would be great? If Inga would pull on the pubes of #2 to get her to tell us the identity of John Paul." NO FUCKING WAY! That's what happens next. Inga pulls on them like she's fascinated at the sight of seeing the skin beneath the pubes rise and fall. And kind of like she's pulling cotton or something.

Now Karl's getting another boring-ass BJ, this time from #2, with some cheesy early 70s pop song (in the vein of Age of Aquarius but not even in the ball park as good) with the lyric, "I love how you love me". Hey! Back to the pube pull set to the main theme from THE GODFATHER (1972)!!!


The Karl Marx lookalike (#3) is brought in and now we've got us a good old-fashioned Nazi/Jew 4-way. #2's limp, un-responsive body is later dragged into the hallway leaving the last female prisoner, #4, alone with her. She feels sad for #2 and kneels down to her naked body to see if perhaps she's still alive and to attend to her wounds. That doesn't last but a few seconds before it turns into fondling and, surprise, #4 unbuttons her blouse to reveal her anti-Nazi boobs. This is all inter-cut with Inga trying to get what she wants out of #3, giggidy, and eventually gets a confession that it was in fact the infamous John Paul that is responsible "for the explosion at the foundry". But not before Inga gets some 69 action to the tune of the Panzer Song from Benjamin Frankel's score to BATTLE OF THE BULGE (1965). Oh, and what was the confession-yielding act of torture?


Apparently all it takes is wrapping a belt around his junk. I'm sure the 69 session helped soften him up. Cue Bernard Herrmann's music from FAHRENHEIT 451 (1966).

And would you believe that Karl is the only actor who even tries a German accent and it's absolutely horrible? Never would've guessed it.

What happens next is what legends are made of. It's the sort of act of bravery that you hear about and occasionally see in films that have the courage to try and translate the truth. A resistance fighter shows up out of nowhere with a machine gun and saves the day. Does he kill Inga and Karl? Nope. He just flips them, hits them with his gun and threatens them with, "If I or one of my people catch you in town again after today, you're gonna be dead!" He then takes one of the naked prisoner chicks and leaves!!! I don't remember reading about that in any of the history books.


Can it get any better? Hell, yeah! Inga pulls herself into the hallway and starts making out with #4, the only person she hasn't fucked yet. It turns into another 69 session. After everyone gets off, they kiss and cuddle, setting aside their differences as Nazi interrogator and prisoner and thereby bringing an end to WWII and one of the greatest untold true stories to emerge from that bloodiest of wars.

I am one of the lucky ones. I survived this flick. There are those who did not and it is to them I will pay tribute the best way I know how...and that's make a T-Shirt celebrating the occasion (now available for only $19.95!)

As you can see by the cover art at the top, this is on a double bill with NAZI LOVE ISLAND (1980). Gee, I can't WAIT for that one. Maybe I'll watch it next year on Armistice Day or Flag Day.

I'm stunned that it's taken this long to get around to watching a Nazisploitation flick. Soon to be reviewed...ILSA, SHE WOLF OF THE SS (1975).

UPDATE: OMFG! You kids are in luck! Thanks to R.C.'s recent post (see below), she's discovered where you can view this most recent addition to the Smithsonian Archives; a pristine print complete with optional commentary by director and film historian/preservationist Martin Scorsese!!! VIEW PART ONE / VIEW PART TWO

The Jim Rose Circus Sideshow (1993)

Director: Jonathan Dayton & Valerie Faris

Starring: Jim Rose, Bebe the Circus Queen, Matt 'The Tube' Crowley, The Amazing Mr. Lifto, The Enigma, The Torture King

More Info: IMDB

Plot: February 5, 1993, in front of a standing room-only-crowd at Seattle's Moore Theatre, impresario Jim Rose performs his own odd tricks - putting a screwdriver up his nose, pounding a nail into his head, and pushing his face into broken glass. He also introduces and provides a running commentary on four other sideshow performers: Mr. Lifto, who can lift and swing heavy objects from various body piercings, the Torture King, who turns himself into a human pincushion, the Enigma, who swallows worms, crickets, and swords, and Matt "The Tube" Crowley, who ingests various things into his nose, mouth, and stomach and bring them back out. The crowd goes wild.

My Rating: 7/10

Would I watch it again? Does vomit-inducing freak show acts sound like a great night for a first date? You betcha!

This is some train-wreck sick shit and it's fucking awesome. I mean come on; a guy, through a tube, has all kinds of stuff poured down his throat, throws it back up and audience members are encouraged to come on stage and drink some. AND THEY DO! It's bloody fucking disgusting. Stomach-churning at least. Woof. It's really amazing what these people do, showing us some extremes in what the human body can endure. It's pre-Jackass Jackassicity. It's definitely something that should be thrown on the tube when the party starts to fade and you're left with the diehards. Even at only 35 minutes, it could easily clear the room. And if your girlfriend or boyfriend stick it out with you then you know it's love.

Here's the entire show in 6 parts:

Commando (1985)

Director: Mark L. Lester

Starring: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Rae Dawn Chong, Dan Hedaya, Vernon Wells, Bill Duke, David Patrick Kelly

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: Somewhere... somehow... someone's going to pay!

Plot: A retired elite commando has only a few hours to find and rescue his daughter from an exiled dictator.



My Rating: 6/10

Would I watch it again? Maybe in another twenty years

This was easily one of my favorite 80s action movies for a long time. That was until, after about a dozen years, I saw it again. It's still fun but it hasn't held up as well as some others. It's the perfect Arnold vehicle. This movie's got more of his cheesy one-liners that are memorable than any other. Savor these:

[Matrix has thrown a pipe through Bennett]
Matrix: Let off some steam, Bennett.

Matrix: Remember, Sully, when I promised to kill you last?
Sully: That's right, Matrix! You did!
Matrix: I lied.
[Matrix releases Sully, who falls to his demise]

Cindy: What happened to Sully?
Matrix: I let him go.

Matrix: [after killing a man in the plane] Don't disturb my friend, he's dead tired.

Gen. Kirby: Leave anything for us?
Matrix: Just bodies.

Rambo: First Blood Part II (1985)

Director: George P. Cosmatos

Starring: Sylvester Stallone, Richard Crenna, Charles Napier

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: What most people call hell, he calls home.

Plot: Former Green Beret John Rambo is serving time in a federal prison. When the US military hears of American soldiers missing in action from the Vietnam war possibly still being alive and held captive, Colonel Trautman is authorized to send Rambo in to rescue them.

My Rating: 7/10

Would I watch it again? Does Mongo like candy?

Probably two years ago I FINALLY saw FIRST BLOOD and loved it. I watched this one the night before RAMBO opened in January. I LOVED that one. FB sets up the character but he's there to survive, not kill which is what he's best at. In R:FBP2 he gets to kill, kill and kill. So it's basically giving us what we wanted after the first one.

I can't believe I'm just now seeing these movies more than twenty years after their release. This one's not the greatest but it is a lot of fun. You won't find any awards for acting but if there was one for excessive cheese, it'd be in the running. This movie is loaded with stuff that's associated with 80s action movies. It seems to me, after looking up other movies, that this was the movie that ushered in these cliche's which means it wasn't cliched then. It was fresh. This movie is essentially the poster child for the 80s action flick. It's fun.

Massacre Mafia Style (aka The Executioner) (1978)

Director: Duke Mitchell

Starring: Duke Mitchell

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: You're IN... or... you're IN THE WAY!

Plot: Mimi (Mitchell) is the son of a mob boss who wants revenge on the American Mafia for exiling his old man 16 years earlier. In the States, he teams up with his buddy, Vic, to finish the job and to take a big piece of the action for himself.



My Rating: 9/10

Would I watch it again? Fuck,yeah!

WOW! Here's a hidden gem if there ever was one. It's easily on of the best mafia movies ever. It's in the same company as THE GODFATHER and GOODFELLAS. It just has no budget compared to those two.

I first heard about Duke Mitchell when I saw a trailer for BELA LUGOSI MEETS A BROOKLYN GORILLA (1952) where he was paired up with Sammy Petrillo, a spittin' image of Jerry Lewis. It turns out these two guys did a Martin & Lewis act for a time.

Mitchell was a lounge singer in Vegas in his later years. Frank Sinatra, a good friend of Mitchell's, once said that Duke Mitchell was the best singer he ever heard. And I seem to recall that Sinatra was one of many big names at his funeral.

MMS is low budget, realistically written and acted by many real, regular people which adds to the realism. It's mind-blowing that this movie isn't well know. Did you watch the above trailer yet? Not enough for you? Here's the first four minutes then:



How 'bout THEM apples? The whole picture's like this. Brutal as fuck and funny.

Duke followed this up with another mafia film called, GONE WITH THE POPE. He completed it but died before it was edited. It's been rumored for years that it's finally going to be released but I'm still waiting. Enjoy this beautiful piece of cinema:



This is at the very top of films I'm dying to see. I can only hope that they will release it soon and release MMS in it's proper scope. Until then, this Dutch VHS copy I have will have to do. If you can't find it let me know. I want everybody to see this and I'll do what I can.

Bubba Ho-tep (2002)

Director: Don Coscarelli

Starring: Bruce Campbell, Ossie Davis

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: You don't fuck with the king.

Plot: Elvis and JFK, both alive and in nursing homes, fight for the souls of their fellow residents as they battle an ancient Egyptian Mummy.



My Rating: 8/10

Would I watch it again? Are deep-fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches a healthy way to start your day? Yes.

This movie rocks. It's so outrageous. It moves slowly so don't go in thinking it's going to be rock & roll, break-neck speed batshit nuts. It is batshit nuts, though. Bruce Campbell should be in everything. He's hysterical as Elvis and Davis is a riot as JFK. Inspired casting.

There are so many great lines in this it's hard to pick my favorite but I'll give it a shot.

Elvis: That's it? I mean, we're investigating a scuttling in the hall, trying to figure out who attacked you last night, and you bring me here
to look at stick pictures on the shit house wall, man?

or

JFK: He had me on the floor. I had his mouth over my asshole!
Elvis: A shiteater?
JFK: I don't think so. He was after my soul. Now you can get that out of any major orifice of a person's body. I read about it.
Elvis: Oh, yeah? Where, man? Hustler?

or

Elvis: But what do I care? I got a growth on my pecker.

or

Elvis: [to Bubba Ho-Tep] Come and get it, you undead sack of shit.

or

Elvis: Even a big bitch cockroach like you should know... never, but never, fuck with the King.

or

Elvis: It'd been two presidential elections since I'd had a boner like that.

or

Elvis: Ask not what your rest home can do for you. Ask what you can do for your rest home.
JFK: Hey, you're copying my best lines!
Elvis: Then let me paraphrase one of my own. Let's take care of business.
JFK: Just what are you getting at, Elvis?
Elvis: I think you know what I'm gettin' at Mr. President. We're gonna kill us a mummy.

Are you sold yet? It's a great little movie that most people have probably never heard of but it deserves to be seen. By the time you've reached the end you're ready for BUBBA NOSFERATU! Bring it.

The Running Man (1987)

Director: Paul Michael Glaser

Starring: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Maria Conchita Alonso, Yaphet Kotto, Jim Brown, Jesse Ventura, and RICHARD "FUCKING" DAWSON!!!

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: The year is 2019. The finest men in America don't run for President. They run for their lives.

Plot: A wrongly-convicted man must try to survive a public execution gauntlet staged as a TV game show.



My Rating: 8/10

Would I watch it again? Does free pizza at 4:20 sound like a good idea?

Man, I'd forgotten how much I love this film. All you really need to know is that RICHARD "FUCKING" DAWSON is in it. He's terrific. He's hysterical. He's perfect for this. It's too bad he didn't act more. Lots of fun.

Arnold's doing what Arnold does best. Lots of action and awfully cheesy one-liners fill this one up and then some. I find this picture much more enjoyable than TOTAL RECALL (1990).