Reservoir Cats (1968)

Original title: The Kill

Director: Gary Graver

Writer: Gary Graver

Starring: Antoinette Maynard, Walt Phillips, Sharon Wells, Natasha, Nancy McGavin, Tod Badker, Tony Brooks, Pam English, Uschi Digard

More info: IMDb

Tagline: Was it the nymphomanic...the hunchback...the gangland leader...or a million dollars worth of heroin...that led them down the bloody path to --

Plot:A gumshoe sets out to find a young woman's missing brother. His investigation leads him into the seamy world of drug smugglers...and a shitload of naked broads.

My rating: 5/10

Will I watch it again?  No.

#1 on the Uschi Digard Needs to Have My Babies Project

If you're looking for a goofy time with LOTS and LOTS of naked broads and you want it in 45 minutes or less then this picture is for YOU!  There's not much to it beyond a couple of cheap laughs, lots of nudity and something of a story involving killers, drugs and a two bit P.I. on the case.  The nudity is what brings it, especially near the end when Uschi Digard, in her film debut, shows up as a hitchhiker and steals the P.I.s car.  That was fun.  After that I think there's about 5 minutes left and everything culminates in a big chase leaving a lot of people dead.  Who?  I couldn't tell you because I just didn't care, especially when Uschi left the scene.  It looks like it was filmed without sound and everything was added later.  The music is cool and the titties are hot.  What else do you want?

The Erotic Adventures of Pinocchio (1971)

Director: Corey Allen

Writers: Chris Warfield, Corey Allen, Carlo Collodi

Composer: John Barber

Starring: Alex Roman, Monica Gayle, Dyanne Thorne, Karen Smith, Eduardo Ranez, Lavina Dawson, Debbie Osborne, Vincene Wallace, Neola Graef, Gwen Van Dam, Elizabeth Bell, Uschi Digard

More info: IMDb

Tagline: It's not his nose that grows!

Plot: This is a bawdy burlesque version of the famous fairy tale. Instead of Gepetto, the old-man woodcarver, we have Geppeta (Gayle), an apparently frustrated and nubile young virgin. Geppeta carves Pinocchio (Roman) for herself as a gorgeous young hunk. Geppeta's fairy godmother (Thorne) magically transforms the young stud Pinocchio into a living man, who is quickly brought to work in the local whorehouse as a prize stud and exhibitionist.

My rating: 4/10

Will I watch it again?  No.

#44 on the Uschi Digard Needs to Have My Babies Project

These storybook adult movies are generally pretty bad.  This one is no exception.  The good thing about this (and them) is the gratuitous nudity but this one is softcore so as not to offend the kiddies. There are LOADS of tits, a little ass and no dicks (sorry straight ladies and gay guys).  There's also a lot of comedy that rarely lands.  It's groan-inducing at times.  What hurt my ears is the incredible amount of screaming, loud sounds and people.  It's a noisy as fuck picture.  Besides the gratuitous nudity (and the women are naturally attractive with lovely bodies) the only other thing I liked was Eduardo Ranez as Jo Jo, the man who exploits Pinocchio as a sex performer.  He's great and he also had the only laughs as far as I'm concerned.  And I'm shocked that he's only got this one credit on IMDb.  If you like your bevy of boobs in a loud and obnoxious movie then this has your name written all over it.  And another thing, did Dyanne Thorne get a boob job after this?  There's a remarkable difference between her lovely self in this and her lovely self in ILSA: SHE WOLF OF THE SS (1975).  Just sayin'.  Oh, and if you're an Uschi Digard connoisseur like me then you're going to be very disappointed.  She's literally in this picture for about a half a minute. 

OMFG.  I want her to have my babies.  I don't care how old she is now. 

Sandra: The Making of a Woman (1970)

Director: Gary Graver

Writers: Gary Graver, Robert Aiken

Starring: Monica Gayle, Jean Clark, Uschi Digard, Crack Laird, Darryl Largo, Bobbie Martin, Ronald Mowry, James Ritter, Bobbie Seasons, Keel Smythe, Desiree Trayle, Raymond Zona, Edward Blessington, James Lemp, John Vincent

More info: IMDb

Tagline: How does an 18 year old girl become a 19 year old woman?

Plot: Sandra, a teenager who lives in the countryside, is brutally abused by her neurotic and alcoholic father. After his death, Sandra goes to San Francisco to experience the free love.

My rating: 5/10

Will I watch it again?  No.

#24 on the Uschi Digard Needs to Have My Babies Project

Why should you watch this?  Monica Gayle's SMOKIN' HOT body, that's why.  If you're inclined to watch these vintage exploitation pictures then this one delivers the nudie goods.  The story is OK but, like most pictures in the softcore market, it doesn't need much of one.  The camera moves around a little and the music hints that there's a movie built around all of the sexy time so it's not a stale and static as some of these low budget pictures were.  Knockout boobs aside, my favorite moment was when Sandra (Gayle) was walking around San Francisco and she stops at the Castro Theater to watch a French film.  In the brief time I spent there, I went to the Castro many times.  I LOVE that theater sooooooo much.  Every night was a double bill of old movies.  It was an amazing experience.

So how about the Uschi?  She's in it but barely.  She's a door to door sales lady selling beauty products.  She starts to seduce Sandra, undressing her and then herself.  Seconds after she unleashes her glorious jungle drums, Sandra's dude of the moment shows up, freaks the fuck out that she's with a woman and orders them both to leave and to never return.  Clearly this guy has mental problems because anyone with any hormones is going to start dancing a jig at the sight of their gal getting it on with Uschi.  This movie is not realistic at all.  I want my money back.

That scene took me out of the picture and I never made it back in.  After that I just couldn't take it seriously anymore.  Jokes aside, it's an OK movie with two, make that four wonderful assets.  It's not as salacious as a lot of these exploitation pictures are which means it's going for something more erotic, sensuous and a little more mainstream acceptable and artistic...but it's still, at heart, an excuse to show naked chicks.

The Magic Mirror (1970)

Director: ???

Writer: ???

Composer: ???

Starring: Uschi Digard, Maria Arnold, Frank Harris, Kathy Hilton, William Howard, Michael Donovan O'Donnell, Tommy Toole, Anna Travers

More info: IMDb

Plot: Uschi purchases a haunted mirror that she is told has the effect of making one's inhibitions disappear and their dreams and fantasies come true whenever they gaze into it.  People start looking into the mirror and get naked...a lot.

My rating: 3/10

Will I watch it again? Sorry Uschi Baby but no.

#31 on the Uschi Digard Needs to Have My Babies Project

Uschi did a shittillion softcore porn flicks forty years ago and this is one of the lesser ones.  It's 98% nudity and phony sex and Uschi is in most of it.  There are four "stories".  The first has Uschi makin' it with a TV repairman with a heaping can of shaving cream (I'd like to believe it's marshmallow cream...mmmmmmm).

The second has two girls coming over to get Uschi to sign up for their protest group.  When one of the gals looks into the mirror, that naturally leads to a chick flick and the two gals get it on!

Then a couple of dudes show up...

And finally, a burglar breaks in followed by a cop who has been trailing him.  Naturally they start fucking Uschi.  Wouldn't you?  This one has the funniest bit in the film where Uschi is riding the one guy and the other punches him out cold and starts bangin' Uschi.  Nice.

"Mirror, mirror on the wall, thanks to you I've had a ball."

This one's pretty bad.  Despite Uschi being in it for most of it, the camera doesn't focus much on her, the simulated sex scenes are predictably dull and the music is horrendously hokey.  It's a stinker and for Uschi completest fans only.  Most of what I've seen her in is far better than this. 

Affair in the Air (1970)

Director: Phineas T. Kum-Quat

Starring: Bambi Allen, Uschi Digard, Sandy Carey, Dick Burns, Norman Fields, Richard Smedley, John Barnum

More info: IMDb


Plot:  It's a softcore porn.  There is no plot.  OK, here's your plot - there's an airplane.  Happy?

My rating: 4/10

Will I watch it again? No.

#9 on the Uschi Digard Needs to Have My Babies Project

This hour-long softcore porn has little to offer except for the gorgeous Uschi Digard, a woman who needs to have my babies.

She (above left) and the other stewardess have only two customers to serve on this flight plus the two pilots.  Every once in a while the two pilots Riley Hump (Fields) and Dick O'Toole (Smedley) spend and extraordinary amount of time talking about not much of anything.  Sometimes it's even pretty damn funny.  You get the impression they're incredibly incompetent and fight like an old married couple. What few laughs are found in the cockpit.

 Ahhhhh, remember when it was OK to smoke on an airplane?

Justin Tyme (Burns) services the other passenger Holly Woods (Carey) in their seat.

  Ahhhhh, remember when it was OK to fuck on an airplane?

Man, I wish I could get that much leg room (or should I say head room) on a plane!

Then Vespray (Uschi) takes care of Holly.

That's the end of Uschi in this 58 minute flick.  See, Dick is flying to Georgia to search for a location for a whorehouse franchise he's starting.  I can't remember why Holly's flying. Once the plane lands (and almost crashes because the pilots forgot how to land) Holly ends up banging two guys who are trying to get the whorehouse franchise off the ground.

Can you tell how exciting this picture is?  I guess it would have helped had this been hardcore but not by much.  Seeing Uschi is the highlight and the pilots are occasionally funny but that's it.  Proceed with caution.

There is no god.

Dr. Christina of Sweden (1970)

Director: Nick Millard

Starring: Uschi Digard, Anna Travers, Jane Tsentas, Linda York, Donna Young

More info: IMDb

Plot: The stunning and voluptuous "Dr. Christina" writes sex-related stories and columns for a Swedish tabloid. Sent to France by the newspaper and thrilled by her first taste of Paris, Dr. Christina's first task is to interview French young people about their opinions on sex in the age of Free Love. She quickly learns that actions speak louder than words the moment she happens upon an eager young couple in the throes of non-stop lovemaking. Turned on by her voyeurism and the prospects for a great news story, Christina herself is primed for some action. That night finds her feverishly dreaming of an ultra-erotic encounter between two women sporting kinky lingerie, eager tongues and probing fingers. The following day Christina roams the boulevards of Paris hot for sensual satisfaction. Will a café performance featuring two lesbians that mirrors her previous night's dreams be enough to satiate her?

My rating: 4/10

Will I watch it again? No.

#13 on the Uschi Digard Needs to Have My Babies Project

How do you say 'derp' in French?

I know what to expect going into these kinds of pictures - boring sex scenes, lame dialogue and groovy music.  Dr. Christina is the only voice you hear and she's essentially narrating her sexy trip to Paris.  Most of it is silly but it's sometimes fun.

Within 61 minutes, this picture delivers three hardcore sex scenes.  The first is between a guy and a girl and the other two are a pair of lesbians (each with a different couple).  They consist of the usual excess of kissing and caressing but stopping short of delivering the goods.  The final scene features my hot girlfriend, Uschi Digard.

 Mmmmmmmm...Uschi.....Mmmmmmm.

I only sat through this to get to her scenes.  There's an awful lot of shots of Dr. Christina walking around Paris, talking to herself.  Those are actually kind of neat if seeing 43 year old footage of Paris does anything for you.  I dug it, and I dig these cans, too...

All the Lovin' Kinfolk (1970)

Director: John Hayes

Starring: Jay Scott, Mady Maguire, Ann Ryan, Janice Douglas, Donna Young, William Guhl, Ruth Stanley, Marland Proctor

More info: IMDb

Tagline: They's more than kissin' cousins

Plot: Two backwoods high school grads, Mady Maguire and Jay Scott, try their luck in the big city. Their luck runs out in a hurry as they're slickered and conned. Meanwhile, kissin' cousins Mady and Jay go well beyond kissin'.

My rating: 6/10

Will I watch it again? Nah.

This one's a head-scratcher.  It's not your typical low budget exploitation picture.  It's The South and it looks like it's set in the early 30s and there are lots of great old cars and an attempt at recreating that time and place.  The acting is pretty good for what it is and there was some though that went into the story.  Then there's what makes it an exploitation flick; frequent nudity but most of it (and the best of it) is with Uschi.

NOT Uschi

One thing that surprised me was they did a fairly good job on the accents.  I've lived most of my life in The South.  I'm not saying they nailed it but when you consider this is a low budget exploitation flick, they made a good effort.  But no matter how hard they tried, it's still a titty flick and overall it's not something you're likely to watch again although it comes close. I almost forgot about the music.  There's a song that gets used frequently that's a good sound alike for the Harry Nilsson tune from MIDNIGHT COWBOY (1969), Everybody's Talkin'.  It works in the picture but there's no escaping the tune they're copying.

Over the weekend I decided it was time to start a project for one of my favorite exploitation hotties, Uschi Digard.  She shows up in the first twenty minutes with an out-of-nowhere soft core sex scene in a chicken coop.  It's pretty short and it ends with her holding an egg and crushing it at the point of climax.

I was a little bummed out that they got the Uschi in and out so quickly but I was pleasantly surprised when she showed up near the end as a prostitute in a brothel.  She's got a few lines this time (I LOVE that Swedish accent) and does the naked thing once again.