Salome (1953)

Director: William Dieterle

Writers: Harry Kleiner, Jesse Lasky Jr.

Composer: George Duning

Starring: Rita Hayworth, Stewart Granger, Charles Laughton, Judith Anderson, Cedric Hardwicke, Basil Sydney, Maurice Schwartz, Arnold Moss, Alan Badel

More info: IMDb

Plot: After her banishment from Rome, Jewish Princess Salome returns to her Roman-ruled native land of Galilee, where prophet John the Baptist preaches against Salome's parents, King Herod and Queen Herodias.

My rating:  5.5/10

Will I watch it again?  Nope.

Watching these cheesy religious epics is a mixed bag.  On one hand, you've got the beautiful costumes, lavish set dressing, big musical score and usually with a large cast loaded with big time Hollywood stars.  On the other hand, they're loaded with religious propaganda that'll make your eyes roll right out of sockets.  This non-believer watches them for the Ancient Roman spectacle and the cast and this one's at least got a decent cast.  I'll watch anything Charles Laughton did and this qualifies.  And I've been a fan of Stewart Granger since seeing him in SCARAMOUCHE (1952), one of my all time favorites.  I've seen very little of Rita Hayworth's catalog but I like what I've seen.  This flick is OK at best but it suffers from the hit-you-on-the-head propaganda that these pictures are loaded with.  What's more, nearly the entire film is shot on indoor sets.  That gets old and quick.  They're nice sets and well-lit and decorated but they're sets nonetheless and it's obvious that almost whenever they're supposed to be outdoors, they're on a soundstage; fake rocks abound!  Over-the-top melodrama abound!

Charles Laughton is mentally eye-fucking a woman, his step-daughter no less!  

Now THAT'S acting!

Give this mall all the awards!

 

I wasn't into it much until the final act when Princess Salome's (Hayworth) mother (Queen Herodias played by Judith Anderson) offers her up to  King Herod (with Charles Laughton having a good time hamming it up)!  Herodias wants John the Baptist dead for slandering her name so she convinces Salome to dance at Herod's birthday party.  It's already been established that Herod has the hots for Salome but he doesn't want John harmed.  Once Salome's dance begins, Herodias tells Herod he can have her for the price of John's head.  Herod wants a piece of that pie and quickly motions to make it happen.  FUCKING NICE!!!!!  This got dark pretty fucking fast, but then there's only a few scant minutes left and of course they have to throw in some Jesus-y bits to close out the film.  Does Herod get his pie and eat it, too?  Nope.  So, I guess you could say it ends on a down note.

I'm listening...

And one more thing, this is the movie debut of Alan Badel, playing John the Baptist.  He must come from the bug eyes school of acting...

...because he does that thing for most of his screen time.  But the payoff in the end is great!

 

 

Sorry about that bug eyes thing.

Preacherman (1971)

Director: Albert T. Viola

Writers: Harvey Flaxman, Albert T. Viola

Composers: Roland Pope, W. Henry Smith

Starring: Albert T. Viola, Ilene Kristen, Adam Hesse, Marian Brown, Esty F. Davis Jr., W. Henry Smith, Bill Simpson, Garland Atkins, Colleen McGee

More info: IMDb

Tagline: Lock Up Your Women...Hide Your Money and Booze...Preacherman is Coming to Town!

Plot: Phony backwoods preacher Amos T. Huxley stays in a small North Carolina town long enough to fleece his congregation, swindle the profits from a moonshine still, and seduce dumb blonde Mary Lou. Mary Lou's ex-boyfriend becomes suspicious of the preacher and gets the local police to investigate his actions.

My rating: 5.5/10

Will I watch it again?  No, but I will check out the sequel, PREACHERMAN MEETS WIDDERWOMAN (1973).

This looked bad and it almost is.  Viola, who also wrote, produced and directed this fine film, does a decent job as the titular character.  There's a little bit of nudity, but what's there, courtesy of the voluptuous Ilene Kristen, is great.  Sadly the boobs only show up in the first half.  There was plenty of opportunity for more but Viola robbed us of them.  The characters are Southern cartoon stereotypes and the accents are even worse.  Viola's is pretty good but then he had more time to work on it.  The last twenty minutes showcases his talent for preaching but that sequence goes on far too long.  I started having flashbacks to when I was a kid, forced to sit through those bullshit sermons when my mom made us kids give up our Sunday mornings for a load of claptrap.  A few shots of bourbon later and I was OK (now, not as a kid...looking back I wish I had some bourbon then).  The new Troma release poster/DVD cover shows some crashing cars but don't expect any SMOKEY AND THE BANDIT (1977) type of action here.  Now if they'd put the Preacherman behind the wheel with Jesus riding shotgun outrunning the law, I'd fire up the simultinis and watch that one!

The Sign of the Cross (1932)

Director: Cecil B. DeMille

Writers: Waldemar Young, Sidney Buchman, Wilson Barrett, Henryk Sienkiewicz

Composers: Jay Chernis, Rudolph G. Kopp, Paul Marquardt, Milan Roder

Starring: Frederic March, Elissa Landi, Claudette Colbert, Charles Laughton, Ian Keith, Arthur Hohl, Harry Beresford, Charles Middleton, John Carradine

More info: IMDb

Tagline:  A picture which will proudly lead all the entertainments the world has ever seen

Plot:  A Roman soldier becomes torn between his love for a Christian woman and his loyalty to Emperor Nero.

My rating: 7/10

Will I watch it again?  Yes.

This Sword & Sandal picture has some amazing things in it but the acting is half and half.  The Christians act like they're in a trans.  They're either WAY too noble in their speech and posture or they act like they're hopped up on grass, looking up and off in the distance as they drift away into melodrama.  Everyone else, especially the sinners, are acting more like normal people and they're the ones that I enjoyed watching.  It's kind of what you see in most biblical epics except this flick shows a greater range.   That aside, smokin' hot Claudette Colbert takes a bath...

And that's not all!  There's a great gladiator fight in the final act that precedes the Christians being fed to vicious animals.

The religious bits pale in interest to everything else.  Despite that, it's still a good movie with a lot going for it and it's well worth a look.  The Universal DVD sports a good looking print and there are no extras.

King of Kings (1961)

Director: Nicholas Ray

Writer: Philip Yordan

Composer: Miklos Rozsa

Starring: Jeffrey Hunter, Siobhan McKenna, Hurd Hatfield, Ron Randell, Viveca Lindfors, Rita Gam, Carmen Sevilla, Brigid Bazlen, Harry Guardino, Rip Torn, Frank Thring, Guy Rolfe, Royal Dano, Robert Ryan, Jose Nieto, Ray Milland, Paul Naschy, Orson Welles

More info: IMDb

Tagline: The most exciting human drama the screen has ever told. A story of the Christ, His life, His deeds, the inspiration of His spoken words.

Plot: Jesus assembles a team to set forth and free his people.  He leads a dull life and relies on everyone around him to provide the entertainment and bring the adventure.

My rating: 6/10

Will I watch it again?  No.

It's funny because once Jesus is an adult he's wondering the countryside picking up guys like he's putting together a special team ala THE MAGNIFICENT SEVEN (1960).  All of that hilarity loses steam eventually because it settles into that mushy 'love thy neighbor' business only no one's really lovin' on anybody in any way that would bring any excitement to this picture. That tagline of being the most exciting human drama (blah, blah, blah) is bullshit.  There's one action scene about three quarters in (and this is a near-3 hour picture) and that's got some nice kills.  The movie's OK and it benefits from lots of nice outdoor locations, a beautiful score from Mikos Rozsa, narration by Orson Welles and seeing lots of famous actors, however I found Robert Ryan way out of place much like Edward G. Robinson in THE TEN COMMANDMENTS (1956).  I love those actors but it felt weird seeing them in sword & sandal pictures.  I guess if you're a Christian you're predisposed to dig this movie.  I am not so I watch these biblical pictures as I do with any other movie.  This one's not bad.  Despite the periodic overacting (I dug Hurd Hatfield a lot, though) there is enough to like.  The Warner Bros. DVD has a great looking anamorphic widescreen print.  There are extras, too.  You get a vintage featurette on the making of the sermon on the mount scene (4 min), a vintage featurette on the premiere (2 min), and finally the theatrical trailer in anamorphic widescreen.

A Thief in the Night (1972)

Director: Donald W. Thompson

Writers: Donald W. Thompson, Russell S. Doughten Jr.

Composer: ??? Stock music?

Starring: Patty Dunning, Mike Niday, Colleen Niday, Maryann Rachford, THom Rachford, Duane Coller, Russell S. Doughten Jr., Clarence Balmer, Betty D. Jackson, Gareld L. Jackson, Jared McAdams

More info: IMDb

Tagline: ...and there will be no place to hide.

Plot: The story of Patty, a young woman caught up in living for the present with little concern for the future. She meets and marries a young man and her life seems great, until one moment she awakens to find her husband gone and the radio reporting millions of people have mysteriously disappeared. As dramatic, earth shaking events begin to unfold around her, Patty realizes she is living in the end times spoken of in biblical prophecy.

My rating:  5/10

Will I watch it again?  No.

Ya know what this movie could've used a lot more of?  Titties.  There's not even one.  I thought for a moment that maybe the thief in the night took all of them but then I remembered that the movie wouldn't have them because it's a Christian propaganda picture.  Too bad Russ Meyer didn't make this; it would've been a lot more fun and it would probably convert a lot more people the Church of Boobs.  I'd get out of bed on a Sunday morning for a sermon at that church.  This is the LEFT BEHIND before LEFT BEHIND was a thing.  Like a lot of propaganda, it's heavily naive, optimistic in all the right places and pessimistic in all the right places.  Being how I don't believe in any of this nonsense, I'm rootin' for the cool kids who want to have fun.  Probably because this is a combination of low budget religious propaganda from the early 70s, the dialogue is often cornball as shit.  This might just be something you could have a good time with if you watched it with some non-believers (or, shit, believe away but make sure you're all...) drinking, laughing and talking to the screen.  That might be a good time.  Me?  I had this running on my monitor while I did office stuff.  Even then I found it often slow, boring and preachy.  This is the first of a dozen religious scare propaganda movies that Thompson wrote and directed.  I was hoping this would be more campy and outrageously silly and stupid but there's too much padding to maintain an hour's worth of cheesy entertainment.  When it comes to technical aspects, the sound library score is goofy and appropriate, the camera moves enough to keep the picture from feeling static (and the editing helps in this area as well) and the acting isn't all that bad at times and every once in a while I laughed, intentionally or not.  Still, no bare boobs.  This picture needed some sex.  It'd be a fun project to take something like this and delete some stuff and smut it up.  My time is short on this planet and there won't be some great editing booth in the sky waiting for me when I leave so I'll just imagine what it would be like and move on.

Red Planet Mars (1952)

Director: Harry Horner

Writers: John L. Balderston, Anthony Veiller, John Hoare

Composer: Mahlon Merrick

Starring: Peter Graves, Andrea King, Herbert Berghof, Walter Sande, Marvin Miller, Willis Bouchey, Morris Ankrum, Orley Lindgren, Bayard Veiller

More info: IMDb

Tagline: SEE! The first contact between Earth and Mars!

Plot: An American scientist is able to contact and communicate with Mars with shattering political, economic, and spiritual repercussions.

My rating: 5/10

Will I watch it again?  No.

The 'red' in the title doubles as the Red Scare/Russian threat at the time this picture was made, complete with relating the USA with Christianity early on.  There's also the battle between science (wanting to advance civilization 1,000 years) and the government (wanting to keep the Ruskies from getting a leg up on us).  If you're looking for outer space picture with martians and groovy models then you're going to be very disappointed.  Nobody leaves Earth.  But if sci-fi loaded with talky-talky, you just might dig it.  On the latter level it almost works.  There are some interesting ideas bandied about but it's HEAVY on Christianity.  It's the God-loving Americans versus the heathen Russians.  If it weren't for that last bit I'd be more inclined to like it a little more but it's such an obvious piece of propaganda that the film is hurt by it.  I REALLY liked the last few minutes where Calder (well-played by Berghof, the evil nasty man) confronts Chis and Linda (Graves and King).  There's some neat and dire shit talked about...until they hit you over the head with the God stuff.  But then shit gets real and people die.  I LOVED that part.  Then it's back to God with the President of the US addressing the world.  The film seems to play to the sheep or children which is curious as it's only adults who might get all the way through it without falling asleep.  For kids, it's got to be a snoozefest.  So I guess if you like your sci-fi heavy on the Jesus, then you might dig this picture, and if you do, you'll probably stand and salute with a tear in your eye when it's all over.

Heavens Above! (1963)

Directors: John Boulting, Roy Boulting

Writers: Frank Harvey, John Boulting, Malcolm Muggeridge

Composer: Richard Rodney Bennett

Starring:  Pete Sellers, Cecil Parker, Isabel Jeans, Ian Carmichael, Bernard Miles, Brock Peters, Eric Sykes, Irene Handl, Miriam Karlin, Joan Miller, William Hartnell, Roy Kinnear

More info: IMDb

Tagline:  Where 'I'm All Right Jack" left off... this takes off!

Plot:  Peter Sellers stars as a young vicar whose tendencies to interpret Christian doctrines in his own individualistic way, rather than conform to church traditions, leads to all kinds of chaos. He really believes, for example, in taking from the rich to give the poor.

My rating: 6.5/10

Will I watch it again?  No.

Fine performances are given by the entire cast.  No surprise there, they're British.  It's a mildly amusing film that gets milder as it goes until it the solution to everyone's problem (Reverend Smallwood (Sellers)) is found.  Then it gets ridiculous as if the ending belonged in a different film altogether.  The ending isn't horrible but it's almost out of left field.  When things are at their very worst for Smallwood and his community, and they get REALLY bad, the church big wigs get with the government big cheeses to fix the problem which means, in part, getting rid of Smallwood.  What happens next feels better suited to a different film.  I was really involved in the picture until then.  It was getting quite serious but still within the confines of a light comedy.  Anyway, I'm beating a dead horse.  Sellers is quite good and plays the character with a little wink but it's some of his supporting cast that get more of the funny.   The Anchor Bay DVD has a great anamorphic widescreen print with no extras. 

Black Death (2010)

Director: Christopher Smith

Writer: Dario Poloni

Composer: Christian Henson

Starring: Sean Bean, Eddie Redmayne, John Lynch, Tim McInnerny, Kimberley Nixon, Andy Nyman, David Warner, Johnny Harris, Emun Elliott, Tygo Gernandt, Jamie Ballard, Carice van Houten

More info: IMDb

Tagline: In an age of darkness one man will face the ultimate battle against evil.

Plot: Set during the time of the first outbreak of bubonic plague in England, a young monk is given the task of learning the truth about reports of people being brought back to life in a small village.

My rating: 7.5/10

Will I watch it again?  Yes.

Shaky cam be damned!  Oh, and The Plague.  I digs me some Medieval Sean Bean and, once again, he delivers the knightly goods.  The film's OK until they boys get to the small village for an overnight stay.  Then it gets really good and a lot of shit starts hitting the oxen-powered fan.  So if you watch this and you're just not feeling it, wait until about midway into the picture and stick around for another half hour and watch how crazy good it gets.  Any fans of David Warner?  He's barely in this.  Don't get too excited, but any David Warner is better than no David Warner.  That's what my Grandma used to say after a hot shower.  Like every movie Ray Charles ever watched, this movie is dark; it's dark in tone and visually.  And it's got one hell of a dark and cynical ending.  I'll tell ya, until they got to the village, it felt like it was going to be a middle of the road, bland-ish Medieval costumer and then it started getting better and better until it ended up a real peach.  I watched it on Netflix even though I have the DVD.  At some point the Blu-ray will fall into my lap and I'll give it another spin and dig into the extras. 

The Ten Commandments (1956)

Director: Cecil B. DeMille

Writers: Dorothy Clarke Wilson, J.H. Ingraham, A.E. Southon, Aeneas MacKenzie, Jesse Lasky Jr., Jack Gariss, Fredric M. Frank

Composer: Elmer Bernstein

Starring: Charlton Heston, Yul Brynner, Anne Baxter, Edward G. Robinson, Yvonne De Carlo, Debra Paget, John Derek, Cedric Hardwicke, Nina Foch, Martha Scott, Judith Anderson, Vincent Price, John Carradine, Olive Deering, Douglass Dumbrille, Frank DeKova, Henry Wilcoxon, Eduard Franz, Donald Curtis, Lawrence Dobkin, H.B. Warner, Julia Faye, Woody Strode, Mike Connors, Clint Walker, Frank Wilcox

More info: IMDb

Tagline: The Greatest Event in Motion Picture History

Plot: The Egyptian Prince, Moses, learns of his true heritage as a Hebrew and his divine mission as the deliverer of his people.

My rating: 7.5/10

Will I watch it again?  Maybe in another 30 years.

I saw this once before and it was a good thirty years ago.  It would've been either on TV (with commercials) or on VHS.  Either way it was watched on a small TV.  I finally got to see it in a theater with the recent TCM special event showings and it was great to see such a spectacle film on the big screen.  It really makes all the difference in the world.  The three hour and forty minutes took its toll on my butt about three hours in.  Woof.  Initially the acting may feel stagy and pretentious but you get used to it quickly.  I guess there's no avoiding that style when you consider the time period, director, and that it's a biblical period piece.  Heston is great, Brynner is fun and I liked Robinson a lot (he's one of my top favorite actors).  Brynner is playing his puffy chest best but there's a moment when Moses (Heston) comes back to Egypt and confronts Rameses (Brynner) to "Let my people go".  Rameses sits there all unimpressed and incredulous.  His line delivery isn't stately like it is for the everything else, he talks like a regular guy as in, "You're shittin' me, right?".  It's brilliant and it's the most genuine moment in the picture.

There's so much to say but I don't want to spend too much time writing it.  Savvy?  The effects are all over the place from dodgy to amazing which is odd because it won the Oscar for best special effects, beating out the only other film, FORBIDDEN PLANET!?!?!?!  The hell?  Moses coming down off of the mountain after hearing the voice of god the first time sporting a new, bigger hairdo that would make Michael Landon jealous was hilarious, plus that bigger, darker, sharper beard.  They actually did a fabulous job on that Heston makeup until the last transition into flowing white hair and beard which looked phony as crap.  Excellent Elmer Bernstein themes and score.  I was surprised at how little music there was prior to the intermission but they made up for it in the final third.  I never read the bible so I've got no idea how closely this picture adheres to the stories but it is an epic tale with romance, intrigue, action and lots of supernatural goings-on (the latter is nearly all after the intermission).  The supernatural/religious stuff is really hard to swallow as it creates a plethora of plot holes but then I'm watching this as a work of fiction and, as such, it's very entertaining.  Some people I know find it tough to believe that my atheist ass would drop $12 down for a ticket, even after explaining that I watch horror movies without believing in ghosts.  For that twelve bucks, I wanted to be taken on a fantastical, entertaining ride to a place I could never visit to see people I'll never know and despite a sore tuchas, I got exactly that.  It was worth it.

The Exorcist III (1990)

Director: William Peter Blatty

Writer: William Peter Blatty

Composer: Barry De Vorzon

Starring: George C. Scott, Ed Flanders, Brad Dourif, Jason Miller, Nicol Williamson, Scott Wilson, Nancy Fish, George DiCenzo, Don Gordon, Harry Carey Jr., Samuel L. Jackson, Fabio

More info: IMDb

Tagline: Do you dare walk these steps again?

Plot: A police lieutenant uncovers more than he bargained for as his investigation of a series of murders, which have all the hallmarks of the deceased 'Gemini' serial killer, lead him to question the patients of a psychiatric ward.

My rating: 7.5/10

Will I watch it again?  Yes.

I haven't seen this in nearly 25 years.  I remember liking it but I REALLY liked it on this most recent watch.  Scott has a couple of moments where he a little too intense (at least it seems weird).  Dourif has a great monologue where he really gets to show off his acting chops.  It's more of a detective thriller with some supernatural elements than it is a horror film.  Blatty, who wrote the novel that started the franchise, gets his second and final directing gig and he does a great job.  There's a genuine sense of evil and dread running alongside some wonderful performances.  It's been said the studio forced him to add an exorcism at the end for fear audiences would stay home without it.  I don't think that part is as bad as some people think but I am curious to see what Blatty had in mind.  I read recently that there's a Blu-ray release in the works that will have Blatty's cut of the film.  I'd LOVE to see that.  The Warner Bros. snapcase DVD has the film in anamorphic widescreen with only the theatrical trailer (also in anamorphic widescreen) for an extra.  There should be more as it's a good film and the best sequel in the franchise (and some would say even better than the first).

Oh, God! You Devil (1984)

Director: Paul Bogart

Writers: Andrew Bergman, Avery Corman

Composer: David Shire

Starring: George Burns, Ted Wass, Ron Silver, Roxanne Hart, Eugene Roche, Janet Brandt, Robert Desiderio, John Doolittle, Julie Lloyd, Ian Giatti, James Cromwell

More info: IMDb

Tagline: That's funny, they both look like George Burns.

Plot: George Burns is back as God, but oops, here he is as Satan, too. A young rock star is ready to sell his soul to Satan, and Satan is all too happy to oblige. Oops! Seems the fellow was watched over by God as a baby, so now the almighty and his nemesis have to duke it out over the soul.

My rating: 6/10

Will I watch it again?  No.

I LOVE the first film and I haven't seen the second yet but this third one is much better than I expected.  I only watched it because of George Burns.  He's hilarious and the best parts of the film are when he's on screen, especially at the end when he's playing poker with the devil (also played by Burns).  That's great stuff.  The rest of it isn't that bad.  It hits all of the right beats for a story like this but it's more enjoyable than you'd think.  It's not that bad.  Fans of George will love watching him have a good time; everyone else might want to give this one a pass unless you want your Christian children to learn what happens when you make a deal with the devil to be a rock star (also nothing but fiction).  The Warner Bros. DVD presents the film in anamorphic widescreen and the only extra is the theatrical trailer, also in anamorphic widescreen. 

Barabbas (1961)

Director: Richard Fleischer

Writers: Christopher Fry, Par Lagerkvist, Nigel Balchin, Diego Fabbri, Ivo Perilli

Composer: Mario Nascimbene

Starring: Anthony Quinn, Silvana Mangano, Arthur Kennedy, Katy Jurado, Harry Andrews, Vittorio Gassman, Norman Wooland, Valentina Cortese, jack Palance, Ernest Borgnine, Arnoldo Foa, Michael Gwynn

More info: IMDb

Tagline: The motion picture that begins where the other big ones leave off

Plot: Epic account of the thief Barabbas, who was spared crucifixion when Pilate manipulated the crowd into to pardoning him, rather than Jesus. Struggling with his spirituality, Barabbas goes through many ordeals leading him to the gladiatorial arena, where he tries to win his freedom and confront his inner demons.

My rating: 8/10

Will I watch it again? Yes.

I finished the disappointing SOLOMON AND SHEBA (1959) on one day and started this one the next.  SHEBA is a poor example of the Sword & Sandal/Epic film.  The biggest issue is that the lead actors weren't good enough to sell the cheesy, stagy dialogue.  That's not the case with BARABBAS.  First off, it's better written and the acting is MUCH better, too.  The first half of the picture is leisurely paced and you might think it rather slow but I kind of dug it.  The music is sparse but when it's there it's moody, sad and ominous.  All of this is unusual for epic films of this era.  This is the second film I've seen with a Nascimbene score in as many days and I'm really diggin' this guy's work.  It's a completely different score, tonally, than what he provided for SHEBA, and it really suits the picture well.  Quinn delivers a masterful performance.  He doesn't have a massive amount of dialogue like you'd get in other pictures of this genre and era.  He holds back and that works to the film's advantage.  Once he's out of the sulfur mines and he's in gladiator school, the film picks up the pace considerably and we get introduced to Jack Palance's masterful gladiator, Torvald, and he owns that role.  What a badass performance!  The training reminded me of the previous year's SPARTACUS (1960) and the gladiatorial matches are nicely handled and fun as hell.  It's this final third of the film that's the most fun. Naturally, being what this movie is about, religion is all through it.  I don't believe a word of it but I still really enjoyed the picture.  It's well written, scored, acted, directed, great location shooting and sets, the works.  The Columbia DVD has a great looking anamorphic widescreen print with the only extra being the trailer.