Fortunes of Captain Blood (1950)

Director:  Gordon Douglas

Writers:  Rafael Sabatini, Michael Hogan, Robert Libott, Frank Burt

Composer:  Paul Sawtell

Starring:  Louis Hayward, Patricia Medina, George Mcready, Alfonso Bedoya, Dona Drake, Lowell Gilmore, Wilton Graff, Curt Bois, Lumsden Hare, Billy Bevan, Harry Cording, Duke York

More info:  IMDb

Tagline:  Sabatini's famous buccaneer in swashbuckling adventure...exotic romance!

Plot:  When some of his crew are captured by the Spaniards in Rio De La Hacha, pirate Captain Peter Blood enters the city in disguise in order to free his men from Marquis De Riconete's prison.

My rating: 7/10

Will I watch it again?  Nah.

Here's a solid pirate adventure that ticks off the boxes of what you'd expect, delivering some swashbuckling action, intrigue, romance, ship battles but no buried treasure.  That's OK because what's here is fun, fast and entertaining.  The performances hit all the right beats and there's not an actor you could say was the weakest link.  They all do a fine job, especially Dona Drake as the fire-y barmaid, Pepita Maria Rosados.  She's great.  Hayward does a great job as Captain Blood.  As long as you don't compare him to Errol Flynn you'll be just fine.  The story almost couldn't be simpler; Captain Blood goes to an Island to rescue jailed members of his crew.  That's it, but there's enough side business going on that it fills the time nicely and without feeling like it's just busy work.  There's plenty of sword fighting to satisfy that itch.  It's beautifully shot in B&W, there are a few laughs (intentional) and the pacing moves lickety-split.  Before you know it your 90 minutes is up and your appetite for pirate adventure has been sated. 

The Buccaneer (1958)

Director: Anthony Quinn, Cecil B. DeMille

Writers: Harold Lamb, Jesse Lasky Jr., Jeanie Macpherson, Edwin Justus Mayer, Bernice Mosk, Lyle Saxon, C. Gardner Sullivan

Composer: Elmer Bernstein

Starring: Yul Brynner, Claire Bloom, Charles Boyer, Inger Stevens, Henry Hull, E.G. Marshall, Charlton Heston, Lorne Greene, Ted de Corsia, Robert F. Simon, Woody Stode

More info: IMDb

Tagline: The Mighty Movie Screen Brings You La FITTE...Man or Devil?

Plot: During the war of 1812, Louisiana buccaneer Jean Lafitte assists the Americans in defending New Orleans against the attacking British war fleet.

My rating: 7/10

Will I watch it again?  Yes.

It's funny that in the first few minutes of watching this I couldn't help but think that I'd seen this before until I realized that I saw THE BUCCANEER (1938) a few years ago (also directed by DeMille).  I like this remake for different reasons but the '38 picture is better and more fun.  The word around the campfire is that DeMille (who directed the previous one) took ill while shooting this and let his son in law, Quinn (who had a small role in the previous one), take over.  It's a good film with some fine performances and it looks great in color and in widescreen.  Brynner is fun but it's hard getting past that toupee.  And what's with that big white hair on Heston's noggin'?

(That's Heston on the right - har har)

Two performances bugged me and that's the guy seen right after the nearly 3 minutes of opening credits.  He's the sentry Jackson (Heston) confronts for not doing his job.  He's annoying (and that accent...geesh).  The other is Ezra Peavey (Hull).  He's also annoying, so much so that I'm surprised Jackson didn't have him drowned.  Walter Brennan, who played him in the '38 film, was much more enjoyable.  There are some good action scenes and intrigue.  It's not a home run by any means but it is enjoyable.  It helps to be fond of some of the cast going into it.  I expect I'll watch the '38 picture a couple of times before coming back to this one. 

Captain Kidd and the Slave Girl (1954)

Director: Lew Landers

Writers: Aubrey Wisberg, Jack Polloxfen

Composer: Paul Sawtell

Starring: Anthony Dexter, Eva Gabor, Alan Hale Jr., James Seay, Richard Karlan, Noel Cravat, Lyle Talbot, Sonia Sorel, Michael Ross, Jack Reitzen, Robert Long, William Cottrell, William Tannen, John Crawford, William Schallert

More info: IMDb

Tagline: Swords Unsheathed! Love Untamed!

Plot: Captain Kidd, presumed dead, escapes the gallows and sails the seas once again but this time he's going to dig up his hidden treasure to buy a pardon from the king.  The trouble is, there are plenty of others that want that booty for themselves.

My rating: 6.5/10

Will I watch it again?  No.

What this picture might lack in some areas, it doesn't lack in action and pacing.  It's lickety split right from the get go.  The acting isn't that bad but Gabor shows enough range (from bad to acceptable) to let that slide a little.  Dexter does a good job as our titular pirate hero and it's nice to see Hale Jr. as his sidekick just as his pop was for so many of Errol Flynn's pictures.  He's great.  I've never seen him otherwise.  The music is rousing and there's lots of locations, although it would've been nicer to see more outdoor shooting.  The biggest problem, if I have one, is that most of it is filmed in a studio and even the sets sometimes look clumsy (there were a couple times I saw them move unexpectedly).  Oh, and then there's Dexter's facial hair that looks like it was done with a marker.

That's OK because I don't have the hots for him.  I've now got it bad for Sonia Sorel as pirate Captain Anne Bonney!

Man, that broad was smokin' hot!  I missed my chance with her.  She died in '04 in her 80s.  She's the mother of Keith & Robert Carradine and Michael Bowen.  You know who Bowen is, right?  Remember in KILL BILL Vol. 1 (2003) and the line "...sometimes this chick's cooch will get drier than a bucket of sand."?  He's Buck and he likes to fuck.

Raiders of the Seven Seas (1953)

Director: Sidney Salkow

Writers: John O'Dea, Sidney Salkow

Composer: Paul Sawtell

Starring: John Payne, Donna Reed, Gerald Mohr, Lon Chaney Jr., Anthony Caruso, Henry Brandon, Skip Torgerson, Frank DeKova, William Tannen, Christopher Dark, Claire Du Brey, Howard Freeman, Anthony Warde

More info: IMDb

Tagline: A CORSAIR CAPTAIN...A CREW OF ESCAPED CONVICTS...Plundering for Loot and Revenge!

Plot: Barbarossa, a pirate, frees a group of Spanish prisoners and makes them his crew. On a raid, he takes as a prize a Spanish countess, Alida. He has fallen in love with her by the time he arranges for her ransom by the officer who was to marry her. Exposing her intended as a coward and a liar, he goes to ask for her hand but she has escaped, and Barbarossa thinks she is the one who killed his aide, Peg-Leg.

My rating: 6/10

Will I watch it again? No.

I honestly don't get my hopes up for the off-the-beaten-path, lower budget pirate flicks of the 50s and 60s.  The genre's heyday was the 30s and 40s and it seemed that after the wind left their sails that the majority of them were relegated to Saturday matinee kiddie fare...which is fine if you're a kid or you're looking for something to fill the mindless escapism.  It's not really as bad as all that but it's close.  RAIDERS has an OK story with less than OK dialogue, OK performances and the low budget effects like ship models and whatnot. 

Payne does an admirable job as Barbarossa (AKA Red Beard, although his beard is nothing more than a really short goatee) but it's clear by him and a few others that getting a better script with better actors would've helped immensely.  It's funny but I never really thought about Donna Reed (here as Alida) in movies prior to her TV show in the late fifties even though I'd seen her in some.  I'm on record as not really liking Lon Chaney Jr.'s work but I thought he served this picture well as the one-legged friend to Barbarossa, Peg Leg. Including a young boy in the cast (Skip Torgerson as Datu) indicates (and justifies) that this is aimed at that young boy, Saturday crowd mentioned earlier.  Had I seen this sixty years ago and as a boy his age I would have eaten this up and come back for seconds.  Fans of swashbuckling swordplay will be disappointed as there's only a little bit and the choreography is sometimes clumsy.  Errol Flynn and Basil Rathbone these cats are not.

As an adult who has seen a large number of these pirate pictures, many of which are the best the genre has to offer, I look forward to each and every one of these but I realize that I've probably seen the best and everything else is just leftover cake from the party last week.  Still, I enjoyed it despite it's limitations in the budget and the production.  No one knew they were aspiring to make a great film but they easily succeeded in making an entertaining one nonetheless.  

Fishing Without Nets (2014)

Director: Cutter Hodierne

Writers: Cutter Hodierne, David Burkman, Sam Cohan, John Hibey

Starring: Abdiwali Farrah, Eric Godon, Abdikhadir Hassan, Idil Ibrahim, Abdi Kani, Reda Kateb, Abu Bakr Mirre, Abdikhadir Mukhtar, Abdikani Muktar, Abdi Siad

More info: IMDb

Plot: In Somalia, principled, young husband and father Abdi turns to piracy to support his family. While his wife and child wait for him in Yemen, an outdated and fragile satellite phone is his only connection to all he truly values. Abdi and his fellow pirates hit the high seas and capture a French oil tanker, demanding a hefty ransom. During the long, tedious wait for the cash to arrive, Abdi forges a tentative friendship with one of the hostages. When some of the pirates resort to violence, Abdi must make dramatic choices to determine his course.

My rating: 8/10

Will I watch it again? Maybe.

Sundance Film Festival 2014

This is it.  It's the first picture on the last day of the festival...and it's a good one.  It was said at the awards ceremony last night that the director did not understand the language.  That makes this picture even more remarkable  as there is very little spoken English.  There are subtitles all over the place though so no worries there.  It's a very good thriller that goes into some interesting directions.  All I knew going in was that it was a Somali pirate hijacking but told from the pirate point of view.  The characters we follow are interesting.  What's even better is the ending.  Holy cow!!!  I'm now more inclined to see CAPTAIN PHILLIPS (2013) than before and it you've seen CP, you're going to want to see this picture.  I have a feeling they might compliment each other.

Group Madness: The Making of 'Yellowbeard' (1983)

Directors: Michael Mileham, Phillip Schuman

Writers: Sam Baldoni, Ron DeZure, Ben Schuman

Composer: ???

Starring: Peter Cook, David Bowie, Peter Boyle, Graham Chapman, Tommy Chong, John Cleese, Marty Feldman, Martin Hewitt, Michael Hordern, Eric Idle, Madelin Kahn, Cheech Marin, Kenneth Mars, James Mason, Spike Milligan, Stacey Nelkin, Harry Nilsson, Susannah York

More info: IMDb

Plot: A camera crew follows the film makers of YELLOWBEARD (1983) as they create a wild and crazy pirate comedy filled with some of the biggest names in comedy.

My rating:  8/10

Will I watch it again?  Maybe.

Hee hee hee.  This is more enjoyable than the film itself.  I liked YELLOWBEARD (1983) but it's too light on jokes considering the talent.  This, though, is 45 minutes of fun.  There's very little footage from the finished film which means it's nearly all behind the scenes footage while being filmed and loads of interviews with all of the principles.  They're all very funny and it's informative. Go figure.  Kenneth Mars is funny like I've never seen him. If you're a fan of any of these people (which kind of goes without saying that you'd also be a fan of all) then this is a must-see.  When you bring together members of Monty Python, Cheech & Chong and members of Mel Brooks' troupe, it's a home run. 

Yellowbeard (1983)

Director: Mel Damski

Writers: Graham Chapman, Peter Cook, David Sherlock, Bernard McKenna

Composer: John Morris

Starring: Graham Chapman, Peter Boyle, Cheech Marin, Tommy Chong, Peter Cook, Marty Feldman, Martin Hewitt, Michael Hordern, Eric Idle, Madeline Kahn, James Mason, John Cleese, Kenneth Mars, Spike Milligan, Stacey Nelkin, Nigel Planer, Susannah York, Beryl Reid, Peter Bull, Bernard Fox, Ronald Lacey, Nigel Stock, David Bowie

More info: IMDb

Tagline: A picture filled with public floggings, saucy tarts, looney lords, outrageousness, offensiveness, even a stuffed crocodile and sheep!

Plot: Yellowbeard, a pirate's pirate, is allowed to escape from prison to lead the authorities to his treasure. He finds that his wife neglected to tell him that he now has a son, 20, and shame of shame, an intellectual. The British Navy, Yellowbeard, his son, and members of Yellowbeard's old crew all go after the treasure.

My rating: 7/10

Will I watch it again? Maybe in another 30 years.

It's probably been close to 30 years since I last saw this and I have to say it's better than I remembered.  The cast alone is a who's who in British comedy and it's worth it alone just to see them.  Madeline Kahn is tops on the list of women who need to have my babies and she's fantastically funny and talented in this one.  To have a movie that includes Marty Feldman, Eric Idle, John Cleese, Peter Cook AND James Mason is special even if it doesn't deliver the laughs that it should.  They all put in fine performances but it's in the script where the film suffers.  The story is almost immaterial since it's the actors and the jokes that matter but being light on jokes is one of the problems.  I'll only mention the fact the having a map tattooed on the kid's skull is made out to be a big deal but it's never utilized once that character is part of the gang.  My biggest issue is the lack of Yellowbeard, the Pirate.  Graham Chapman is fucking hilarious and filled with spastic energy but he's got far too little screen time.  But every scene he's in is priceless.  I hope I'm around a few more decades because despite enjoying it, it leaves me feeling disappointed because this should have been a much funnier film considering the talent involved.  I'd sure like to find out who dropped the ball on this one.

Bikini Pirates (2006)

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Peg Leg Pedro (1938)

Director: ???

Starring: ???

More info: IMDb

Plot: Oh no! Children are being menaced by evil pirate Peg Leg Pedro! This animated short combines Treasure Island, Spanish gold, and young love into a thrilling ad for Chevrolet. Things look bad for our young lovers until Nicky Nome comes to the rescue and all ends well.

My rating: 6.5/10

Will I watch it again? Probably not.

This is an unusual cartoon.  Financed by Chevrolet and made by the Jam Handy studio, it looks an awful lot like it was made by the Fleischer studio (and feels like it, too) and it's got some funny and clever gags but the funniest bit of all is how the new Chevrolet sedan saves the day at the end of the 9 minute toon.  I wonder how many more cars they sold because of this Motor City act of derring do?  Hmmmmmm.

Captain Lust and the Pirate Women (1977)

Director: Beau Buchanan

Starring: Wade Nichols, Bobby Astyr, Jake Teague, Beau Buchanan, Sharon MITchell, Veri KNOtty, Jamie Gillis, Nancy Dare, Cle Carson, Margarita Promponas, Ming Toy

More info: IMDb

Tagline: History's first "X" rated swashbuckler

Plot: This cinematic extravaganza was shot on location on a tropical Island and aboard the old, beautiful brigantine vessel, "Black Swan." The film tells the story of how Handsome Jack (Wade Nichols) and his sweet sister, Anne (Sharon Mitchell), assume secret identities to prove that Captain Lust (Jack Teague) was responsible for the death of their father, The Count of Monte Cristo. Love, sex, violence, pathos and humor abound in this tale of adventure, villainy, buried treasure and virgin sacrifice.

My rating: 6.5/10

Will I watch it again? No.

Part of the Nunsploitation Project (July & August 2013). Click here for more naughty nun insanity!  

OK, several sources on the internet have this labeled as a Nunsploitation film and it's not.  Bad Internet, bad!  I'll explain why in a moment. If you like your 70s porn or porn with a story and production values or naked pirates gettin' it on then this movie is for you!

Wow, he's really hung!  Ahahahahahahahaha.

Seriously, he is. See that 'X' on his dick?  It really does mark the spot.  See, he's got directions for buried treasure tattooed on his crank.

Meet Captain Lust!

That's right, she ties her labia into a knot through a padlock!  This picture has got a great sense of humor.  Just in case you missed it, they give you a title card and play it gain but even more close up.

One thing that both helps and hurts this picture is the continuous soundtrack of pirate songs and sea chantys.  On one hand it makes this a lot more fun but on the other they're so repetitious (even after a few short bars) that it often times gets old fast.

What song do you think they played over this scene?

You guessed it, "Blow the Man Down."

OK, so this is where the nun comes in.  The tattoo on the idiot's dick is in Latin and no one on board understands it, that is until Sister Inferior shows up and helps them out.

She blows the guy to get his treasure map big enough to read.  See what I mean about the sense of humor?  It's great.

There's a lot of surprisingly short fuck scenes and then we get the real action in the final few minutes...

And just when I thought they couldn't surprise me...

AWESOME!  Look out! Sharks!

Obviously you're not going to look for much of a plot when you watch these things but this one does have a wooden ship and a sometimes funny script.  They at least tried and I think they succeeded.  It's not as good as I thought it could be but it's better than most porn of the era in that it's pretty entertaining.  Unfortunately the copy I have looks and sounds like it was sourced from a VHS tape with the sound distorted enough to sometimes make it difficult to understand what was being said.  It didn't help that there were some poor, phony Cockney accents getting in the way.  I might give this one a shot if a really good, clean transfer shows up.  I might actually pick up more of the plot then, you know, because that's why I watched it...right?

Oh, and since this technically does have a nun and she's being exploited, I'll leave this title on the Nunsploitation page but put it under 'Honorable Mentions'.