MoH 213: Dream Cruise (2007)

Director: Norio Tsuruta

Starring: Daniel Gillies, Thom Irvine, Ethan Amis, Maky Soler, Tiffany Martin, Ian Moore, Gregory Pekar, Katsuhiro Nagano, Yoshino Kimura, Ryo Ishibashi, Miho Ninagawa

More info: IMDb

Plot: Absolutely terrified of the sea, an American lawyer reluctantly goes on an ocean cruise to be near the wife of a client, with no idea of the grim situation that awaits them all.

My rating: 4/10

Will I watch it again? No.

This final episode of the series did nothing for me.  I didn't care about the characters and once the shit hit the fan and there's murder and ghosts, I cared even less.  And the ending?  Well, I'm just glad it ended.  I don't know what the characters were thinking with their last move to get away from the ghost but I reckon it was a last ditch effort and they had to try something.  Then it just got silly and cliched with a predictable and uninteresting finale.

MoH 212: The Washingtonians (2007)

Director: Peter Medak

Starring: Johnathon Schaech, Julia Tortolano, Venus Terzo, Saul Rubinek, Caroline Carter, Myron Natwick, Esme Lambert, Abraham Jedidiah, Patrick Keating, Wendy Morrow Donaldson

More info: IMDb

Plot: Following the death of his elderly grandmother, Mike Franks travels with his wife Pam and 10-year-old daughter Amy to his grandmother's old house where he accidentally finds an old letter hidden behind a portrait of George Washington. A morbid letter supposedly written by Washington about killing and eating children. In trying to verify the authenticity of the letter, Mike becomes the target of 'the Washingtonians'; a secret society of various and powerful people who protect the secret life of the 'Father of the Country', and whom, like Washington... are cannibals.



My rating:8/10

Will I watch it again? YES!

Well this was fun.  Once you get into the wild premise it's darkly funny.  I got the impression that the film makers knew exactly what they were doing because they played it straight up and serious as all get out.  Saul Rubinek slayed me.  I'd love to meet him based on this performance alone, not to mention the tons of others he's so good in. The ending was hilarious and the coda; what happens to the dollar bill.  Ahahahahahaha. Scary but funny.  I'll definitely watch this one again someday.

MoH 211: The Black Cat (2007)

Directors: Stuart Gordon, Stuart Ortiz

Starring: Jeffrey Combs, Elyse Levesque, Aron Tager, Patrick Gallagher, Chrsitopher Heyerdahl, Ian Alexander Martin, Ken Kramer, Eric Keenleyside

More info: IMDb

Plot: The Black Cat, set in 1840 Philadelphia, has the great writer Edgar Allan Poe, struggling with alcoholism, writer's block, as well as being out of ideas, short on cash, and tormented by his wife Virginia's black cat that will either destroy his life or inspire him to write one of his most famous stories.

My rating: 7/10

Will I watch it again? Yes.

Nice opening titles, setting the tone for a Gothic tale and a nice story, too.  Good performances all around.  It's a little bizarre and it can be slow at times but the payoff at the end makes up for a lot of it.  The eye-gouging scene is painful to watch.  Great scene.

MoH 210: We All scream for Ice Cream (2007)

Director: Tom Holland

Starring: Brent Sheppard, Maxwell Neck, Tim Henry, Lee Tergesen, Laura Drummond, Colin Cunningham, Ingrid Tesch, Quinn Lord, Lyle St. Goddard, Brendan Saul, William Forsythe

More info: IMDb

Plot: Based on the short story "I Scream, You Scream, We all Scream, for Ice Cream" by John Farris. Telling of a group of young kids who tormented and accidentally killed a local Ice Cream delivery man whose spirit has risen to invoke his revenge on the gang, now all grown up, and their families.

My rating: 6/10

Will I watch it again? No.

OK episode.  It would have been better at a half hour.  Forsythe was fun as Buster the clown.  The ending was satisfactory except it probably wouldn't work as the hero would have needed to add something supernatural to the surprise in order for it to have really worked.  And the kid biting into an ice cream pop and producing a crunch sound was retarded but then we're talking about a clown coming back from the dead, luring children to eat his ice cream pops made to look like their fathers who then melt into a pile of strawberry ice cream once eaten.  I shouldn't look too deep into these things.

MoH 209: Right to Die (2007)

Director: Rob Schmidt

Starring: Julia Benson, Martin Donovan, Anna Galvin, Corbin Bersen, Robin Sydney, Xantha Radley, Linda Sorensen, Derek Green

More info: IMDb

Plot: When a grisly car accident put his wife into a coma, a man reluctantly pulls the plug only to realize her spirit has turned vengeful against the living.

My rating: 7.5/10

Will I watch it again? Nah.

I liked this one.  Great grisly, gore effects.  I liked the pacing and how they doled out information, enough to keep you wondering what's going to happen next. I was guessing all the way until the great, satisfying end. I don't have much to say about this one but I do need to mention again how much I enjoyed the gore scenes.  There are a few and they get under your skin.  Ahahahahahahahaha.

MoH 208: Valerie on the Stairs (2006)

Director: Mick Garris

Starring: Tyron Leitso, Nicola Lipman, Jonathan Walton, Christopher Lloyd, Christine Barrie, Clare Grant, Suki Kaiser, Tony Todd

More info: IMDb


Plot: Rob Hanisey is an aspiring author who moves into a large boarding house called Highberger House, a place where struggling writers live until their works become published. While trying to write his first book, a horror thriller, Rob has repeated encounters with a mysterious young woman named Valerie who pleads wit him to save her from a unseen force. But Rob's neighbors, including the elderly and eccentric writer Everett seem to know more than what they are letting on about who (or what) Valerie really is.

My rating: 6.5/10

Will I watch it again? No.

Casting Director: Wanted: young, attractive woman to get completely naked...a lot.
Actress: Hi, my name is Clare Grant.

This episode is a slow go but not without anything interesting.  It's got three things going for it - Christopher Lloyd, Valerie (Grant) naked on the stairs and a nifty demon (Todd) with a twist.  I realize boobs can't save a picture but they sure can help it sometimes.  This episode was pretty good.  I didn't see the events of the last act coming which is a plus.  It's a good story surrounded by good performances and storytelling.  I'm glad I saw it but it's not one I'll revisit.

MoH 207: The Screwfly Solution (2006)

Director: Joe Dante

Starring: Jason Priestley, Kerry Norton, Linda Darlow, Brenna O'Brien, Steve Lawlor, Elliott Gould, William S. Taylor

More info: IMDb

Plot: When a virus overcomes the male population of the United States and turns them into murderous psychopaths, a mother and daughter escape across a country where their safety is in question.

My rating: 8/10

Will I watch it again?  Yes.

Man, this second season is pretty damn strong.  This episode is one of my absolute favorites bringing to the table a really good science fiction/horror story.  The acting is solid as is really everything else.  Joe Dante did a great job bringing all the elements together for a top notch genre thriller.  I was hooked all the way to the finish line.  It was really cool seeing Elliott Gould.  He had a couple of scenes that were a lot more grounded than usual for him.  Sometimes he can get a bit much but I still love him.  This is a very good story. 

MoH 206: Pelts (2006)

Director: Dario Argento


Starring: Meat Loaf, Link Baker, Emilio Salituro, Elise Lew, Shawn Hall, Sylvesta Stuart, John Saxon, Ellen Stephenovna Ewusie

More info: IMDb

Plot: A sleazy, desperate fur trader who haunts a local strip club, gets his hands on some priceless raccoon furs that might be more than just priceless but cursed.

My rating: 6.5/10

Will I watch it again? Nope.

This is a strange one.  Meat Loaf turns in a fine performance and Ewusie is SMOKING hot.  If there were a god, I'd thank him/her for getting this broad to take her clothes off on camera; well, that and the producers who paid her to do it.  The supernatural element to the story didn't sell me as well as it should have but I liked what happens to Meat Loaf.  That's some fucked up shit.  Too bad they couldn't let it be something that happened as a result of a mental thing where he drove himself to do it rather than supernatural thingies.  Still, it's not that shabby of an episode.

MoH 205: Pro-Life (2006)

Director: John Carpenter

Starring: Caitlin Wachs, Emmanuelle Vaugier, Mark Feuerstein, Biski Gugushe, Jeremy Jones, Ron Perlman

More info: IMDb

Plot: Determined to "rescue" his pregnant daughter from an abortion clinic, a religious fanatic and his sons plan a violent firearm assault just as the doctors suspect her pregnancy might not be of this world.

My rating: 6.5/10

Will I watch it again? Nah.

Ron Perlman brings so much to the projects he's involved with.  His presence in this just adds all kinds of fun and danger all at the same time.  He's a real bastard in this one.  It's a pretty neat story, too, with a fun kicker to throw things for a loop as so many of these episodes have.  I liked it even though I've got very little to say.

MoH 204: Sounds Like (2006)

Director: Brad Anderson

Starring: Chris Bauer, Matty Finochio, Laura Margolis, Matthew Burgess, Blaine Anderson, Linnea Sharples, Nicholas Elia

More info: IMDb


Plot: Deeply affected by a personal tragedy, an office drone comes to realize his sense of hearing has taken on extraordinary capabilities that could drive him insane.

My rating: 7/10

Will I watch it again? It was good but once was fine.

Man is this series a roller coaster.  Chris Bauer is fantastic in the lead.  I really felt for the guy which made it even more tragic when he takes his turn for the worse.  It's a fun ride and is probably on the slow side for a lot of folks but the pay off is definitely worth it.  I need to see what else this guy did 'cause he's acting his dick off in this picture.  The sound design, btw, was really well done.  Bravo all the way around, kids.

MoH 203: The V Word (2006)

Director: Ernest R. Dickerson

Starring: Arjay Smith, Branden Nadon, Jodelle Ferland, Michael Ironside, Lynda Boyd, Keith D. Humphrey, Terry D. Stevens

More info: IMDb

Plot: Two curious teenage boys break into an old mortuary looking for thrills, only to find themselves stalked by a former teacher who is a very real vampire looking to increase the ranks of the undead.

 

My rating: 4.5/10

Will I watch it again? No.

After the excellent FAMILY episode, I was hoping for another surprise.  What a let down.  This one's by the numbers.  There wasn't anything all that interesting and I didn't really care about the two leads.  I was hoping they'd die.  Middle of the road.

MoH: 202: Family (2006)

Director: John Landis

Starring: George Wendt, Meredith Monroe, Matt Keeslar, Haley Guiel, Kerry Sandomirsky, John B. Scott

More info: IMDb

Plot: Harold is a seemingly peaceful neighbor in a quiet Midwestern neighborhood, but underneath, he's a murderous psychopath who sets his eyes on a couple that have moved in across the street.

 

My rating: 8/10

Will I watch it again? Yes.

I've always liked George Wendt but he usually played the lovable fat guy.  This is the first time I've ever seen him do something different and dramatic. This episode is a really black comedy but it straddles that very thin line between tragedy and comedy.  He's fucking good.  The scenes where he talks to his "family" are really well-handled.  His relationship with his new found friends takes a REALLY kickass turn at the end that was the perfect cap to this excellent episode.  It's ones like this that make this series, despite its missteps, well worth watching.

MoH 201: The Damned Thing (2006)

Director: Tobe Hooper

Starring: Sean Patrick Flanery, Marisa Coughlan, Brendan Fletcher, Alex Ferris, Brent Stait, Georgia Craig

More info: IMDb

Plot: The Damned Thing is the apocalyptic tale of a monstrous force that devastates Sheriff Kevin Reddle's family and his small Texas town. Sheriff Reddle thinks there is a connection between this mysterious, invisible force which made his father kill his mother back in 1981, and he sets out to uncover and stop the so-called "Damned Thing" before it decimates his whole town by forcing the residents to kill each other and themselves. 

My rating:  6.5/10

Will I watch it again? Nah.  Once was fine.

It's funny that this episode was the first thing I watched after returning from Fandomfest in Louisville, KY back in June.  Why?  Because Sean Patrick Flannery was at that con and he stopped by my booth (I sold some cool-ass shit, btw) and chatted with my friend that was helping me work the con.  Flannery was there with his BOONDOCK SAINTS (1999) co-star, David Della Rocco, signing autographs.  They're both really cool, down to Earth guys that love their fans.

This episode isn't too shabby. I like the empending since of doom, not knowing exactly how it's going to go down but getting an idea or two.  But what really sells it is the finale.  It ain't pretty.  I love bleak shit like this.  I could do without the shaky cam crap but I can't get over the ending.  You get the idea that there's either more to the original story or less.  It's a pretty simple plot but Hooper does a pretty good job sustaining it.

MoH 113: Imprint (2006)

Director: Takashi Miike

Starring: Billy Drago, Shiho Harumi, Michie, Magy, Shin'ichi Tokuhara, Mame Yamada

More info: IMDb

Plot: In the 1800s, an American returns to Japan to find the prostitute he fell in love with, but instead learns of the psychical and existential horror that befell her after he left.

My rating: 4/10

Will I watch it again? No (say that 5 times in Japanese, die, then come back and haunt me)


Here's another director I admire (along with pretty much everyone else who directed one of these MoH episodes). This can't possibly be the same Takashi Miike I'm familiar with. Surely he sublet this picture to someone else and took the credit. And I LOVES me some Billy Drago. I don't need to list his many filmed bits of awesomeness but if all he ever did was play Frank Nitti in THE UNTOUCHABLES (1989) then he'd by in my favorite character actor Hall of Fame. This guy's a fucking rock star.

Really? Is everyone involved with this thing HIGH? What the hell was that? And it's not like this is an isolated scene of what-the-fuckitude, either. He's like that till the end. The makeup on Mame Yamada is great. The actress is horrible. It's like Miike felt sorry for George Lucas and invited him to make a horror moive in his stead. That's how bad the acting is. I'm shocked, nay, horrified! If your lead actress is playing a Japanese character, at least find someone who, oh I don't know, has some kind of a Japanese accent. OMFG she's so not right for this.


There's one more thing that REALLY made this one hard for me to finish. ??? tells her story, Drago doesn't believe it and then she tells him "the real story". This happens three times. Here's a sample of how this goes down.

YAMADA: Here's what happened [she tells the story]
DRAGO: I don't believe it.
YAMADA: OK, so here's what really happened. [she tells a different, more horrific tale]
DRAGO: I don't believe it.
YAMADA: OK, so here's what REALLY happened. [she tells yet another version of the story more grisly and depressing than the last one]


I would say I was speechless when I watched this but I was quite vocal while yelling at the TV. I loved Billy Drago so much. Now I don't know what to believe. My dreams have been shattered. I am no longer the innocent I thought I was.

MoH 112: Haeckel's Tale (2006)

Director: John McNaughton

Starring: Steve Bacic, Micki Maunsell, Gerard Plunkett, Derek Cecil, Pablo Coffey, Jon Polito

More info: IMDb

Plot: While on his way to see his sick father, a man takes shelter with an elderly man and his young wife but soon discovers their horrible secret.

My rating: 5/10

Will I watch it again? No.

Oh, boy! A Gothic horror episode! Oh, no. It's boring as fuck all. John McNaughton's HENRY: PORTRAIT OF A SERIAL KILLER (1986) is.the.best.serial.killer.movie.EVER! I was so excited with anticipation for this episode that I practically had my dick in my hand. I can handle slow and liesurely-paced movie but I can't handle slow and "I don't give a fuck". It's not just the pacing but I really didn't care for any of the characters, the story or the ho-hum conclusion. Color me flaccid on this one.

MoH 111: Pick Me Up (2006)

Director: Larry Cohen

Starring: Michael Moriarty, Fairuza Balk, Warren Kole, Laurene Landon, Malcolm Kennard, Tom Pickett, Peter Benson

More info: IMDb

Plot: In the middle of nowhere, with only a two-lane highway to connect it to anywhere--probably upstate New York--a recently divorced female traveler, who is a passenger on a bus that has broken down, gets caught in a bizarre and violent turf war between serial killers.

My rating: 7/10

Will I watch it again? Sure.

I'm a huge fan of Larry Cohen's work although I'm ashamed that I haven't gone through his entire catalog. IT'S ALIVE (1974) and GOD TOLD ME TO (1976) are great genre flicks that are high in entertainment. He knows how to make a fun picture. PICK ME UP delivers some fun characters and an interesting premise, one I'm surprised hasn't been done before. Michael Moriarty is having a good time as the killer trucker. Part of my enjoyment came from seeing him totally against type. He hams it up a little too much at times but I can forgive it considering the story. This isn't exactly THE SILENCE OF THE LAMBS (1991) but there is a great scene involving skinning a female victim. Yummy. The conclusion is wickedly funny, too.

MoH 110: Sick Girl (2006)

Director: Lucky McKee

Starring: Angela Bettis, Misty Mundae, Jesse Hlubik, Marcia Bennett, Mike McKee, Chandra Berg

More info: IMDb

Plot: The lonely, shy and lesbian etymologist Ida Teeter of The McNaughton Museum of Natural History is obsessed by her "pets", actually her collection of insects. She works with her colleague and friend Max, also her advisor in sexual behavior. Ida receives an anonymous package from Brazil with an unclassified insect but the weird bug breaks free from the box. Meanwhile Ida falls in love for the gorgeous Misty Falls, who is bitten and infected by the bug and moves to Ida's apartment.

My rating: 7.5/10

Will I watch it again? Yes.

OMFG Angela Bettis is so adorable. I could eat her up. She needs to have my babies. Well, except for the bug thing. She makes this episode so much fun. It gets weird at the end but it's expected since everything that leads up to it is quirky and playful. Bettis really steals the show. If you're looking for nerdy bug-fetish lesbian horror comedy, then look no further.

MoH 109: The Fair Haired Child (2006)

Director: William Malone

Starring: Lori Petty, William Samples, Lindsay Pulsipher, Ian A. Wallace, Haley Morrison, Jesse Haddock, Walter Phelan

More info: IMDb

Plot: The virgin teenager Tara is outcast in school and neglected by her mother. While riding her bike back home from school, she is drugged, kidnapped and brought to an isolated mansion by the insane pianist Anton. His cellist wife Judith lures Tara to obtain personal information, and then they lock her in the basement where she meets their son Johnny trying to commit suicide. Tara discovers that the creepy couple lost their son drowned in a lake twelve years ago, and have made a pact with a demon to bring him back to life. The price would be the sacrifice of twelve teenagers, and Tara is the last one.

My rating: 6/10

Will I watch it again? Nope.

Even at just under an hour some of these episodes feel too long. I sort of liked this one. It kept me guessing as to what was going on until the reveal near the end but I got to a point where I almost didn't care. The surprise (if you can call it that) ending was OK but I just felt rather middle of the road after watching it. I do love how this series is all over the place as far as content is concerned.

MoH 108: Cigarette Burns (2005)

Director: John Carpenter

Starring: Norman Reedus, Colin Foo, Udo Kier, Christopher Redman, Chris Gauthier, Zara Taylor

More info: IMDb

Plot: With a torrid past that haunts him, a movie-theater director is hired to hunt for the only known print of a film so notorious that its single screening caused the viewers to become homicidally insane.

My rating: 6.5/10

Will I watch it again? Probably not.

This one stands out above the other MASTERS OF HORROR episodes so far in that it feels more like a real movie. I'm guessing it's because of Carpenter and his team. I LOVED the ending and I generally like this but I can't get over two things. First, it's the lead, Reedus. He's not ready for the part. I can't blame him. Somebody had to hire him knowing he's not up to snuff and he feels much too young for the role. I would have rather seen someone a little older that looked and felt like he was an expert at his profession. I wasn't getting it from this guy. The other thing, and this is friggin' huge, is that the title of the film he's hired to find, "Le Fin Absolue du Monde", is named about a jillion times. No lie. I don't recall anyone referring to it as the film, movie, flick, etc. Sometimes you'd hear a character say it 3 or 4 times in the span of 30 seconds. That's either shit writing or there's a perfectly good explanation that I'm not privy to. Regardless, it's annoying as hell. Other than that, It was great to see Udo Kier not hamming it up so much.

MoH 107: Deer Woman (2005)

Director: John Landis

Starring: Michael Benben, Walter High, Michael P. Northey, Anthony Griffith, Cinthia Moura, Sonja Bennett

More info: IMDb

Plot: A harried, burned-out cop believes that a recent string of murders prove that the murderer might be a deer-like creature in the form of a beautiful woman right from a local Native America folklore legend.

My rating: 7.5/10

Will I watch it again? Nah. There's just too much to watch before I die.

Cool. Two good ones in a row and this one got a few laughs out of me. I'm really digging this series. Being a fan of Landis's work I knew what to expect and he didn't disappoint. He knows how to have fun and bring the audience along with him. It's funny, gory and interesting. It doesn't hurt to have a good rack, either.


How many points is that? I need that mounted above my fireplace. Ahahahahahahahaahaha. It was a damn shame to have to shoot her. She was comin' right at me with intent to kill. Had to put her down. I figured I should preserve somethin' to remind me of the day I almost snuffed it.

(Don't go gettin' jealous of my mad Photoshop skills.)