The Star Wars Holiday Special (1978)

Director: Steve "I will never work in this town again" Binder

Starring: Many actors doing this because of contractual obligations, hefty paychecks or blackmail. The guilty include: Mark Hamill, Harrison Ford, Carrie Fisher, Anthony "I will do ANYTHING for money" Daniels, Peter Mayhew, James Earl Jones, Bea Arthur, Art Carney, Diahann Carrol, Harvey Korman and the band The Jefferson Starship.

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: Luke Skywalker and Han Solo battle evil Imperial forces to help Chewbacca reach his imperiled family on the Wookiee planet - in time for Life Day, their most important day of the year!

Plot: Chewie and Han Solo are trying to get home to Chewie's family, so they can celebrate Lifeday.

My Rating: Ass raped by a wookie out of 10. That's 1/10

Would I watch it again? Leave. Just leave.



I feel assaulted. I feel unclean. Scabs are beginning to form where the "movie" touched me. I'm going to yank them off because I know that nothing, and I mean NOTHING, can hurt me more than watching this horrific piece of shit. Living the rest of my days with a life-sized George Luca$ head-shaped butt plug (complete with full throat pouch) shoved firmly up my ass is fucking Disneyworld compared to the beating I got watching this...thing.


I know what you're saying. "I mean, hey! How bad can it be? It's Star Wars, man!". Yeah, I used to think the same thing. A few years ago me and a buddy of mine tried to watch it (we're both HUGE SW fans, well we used to be until the prequels rolled into town) and couldn't get a half hour into it before we started to try and kill each other for entertainment. So last November I decided to give it one more go and have a movie night featuring this...this turkey.


The version we watched has the commercials intact. You need commercials to break up the monotony of it all. ANYTHING is better than this. I can't fucking say that enough. Up until now SGT. PEPPER'S LONELY HEARTS CLUB BAND was the worst and most painful movie I've ever seen. It's been replaced.

Words can't describe how bad it is. It's one thing to see your favorite STAR WARS actors drunk or stoned in order to get through this white moldy turd left in the woods but it's another thing to have to sit through Bea Arthur singing a crappy song, Diahann Carroll singing a crappy song and The Jefferson Starship singing a crappy song. After the first ten minutes you feel like screaming, "It's dead already. Stop it. Please stop it."

A fiver says he takes it all the way

Read all the reviews and comments online about this and no matter how bad people tell you it is you will still feel compelled to see it for yourself. And after it's over you will feel dumber than Paris Hilton at a Mensa meeting. It's the kind of movie that makes Michael Bay look like a film maker.

The acting is deplorable. There isn't much of a plot so there's not much for anyone to do except kill time. The music is probably the biggest offender. Don't be fooled by people saying the coolest part is the Boba Fett cartoon. It's not good, either. Everybody in it looks like Quagmire from FAMILY GUY. WTF? Nope, the best part is at the end when Carrie Fisher sings the STAR WARS theme. I'm crapping you negative. But Bill Murray did it better on SNL. WOOF! She must've had a choice of doing that song or doing George Luca$.

Giggity

Remember when your parents told you not to touch something because it could hurt but you did it anyway and you ended up having to go to the hospital to get 73 stitches, lose part of your face and never be able to smell again? That's this movie. Don't. Just don't.


So the next time you're with someone, laying your troubles on pretty thick about how your ex fucked your shit up REAL bad or how you lost your house to the bank because you paid one dollar less than was required from defaulting or about how you lost most of your family to a stampede on Black Friday, and that person turns to you, with all the sadness in the world in their eyes, and tells you, "Yeah, well I watched THE STAR WARS HOLIDAY SPECIAL!" There's nothing to do but lower your head, realize that someone does have it worse than you, put your hand on their slumped shoulder and say, "I'm sorry, man. I didn't know."

For those of you looking for a reason to die...here it is. Choke on it.

Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed (2008)

Director: Nathan Frankowski

Starring: Ben "Bone-Head" Stein

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: Big science has expelled smart new ideas from the classroom...What they forgot is that every generation has its Rebel!

Plot: Hosted by Ben Stein, this controversial documentary examines how pro-intelligent design scholars and scientists are often chastised, fired or denied tenured positions by those who believe in Darwin's theory of evolution. It explores how scientists who believe in God are oppressed and how the acceptance of evolution may have played a role in the formation of organizations such as the Nazi regime and Planned Parenthood.



My Rating: 1/10

Would I watch it again? Oh, HELL, no!

Overly-Religious people are a silly, and often stupid lot. And Ben Stein just knocks it home for us.

Ben Stein is an idiot. Pure and simple. That's the lamest opening to a credible argument but after watching this film that's the conclusion you're left with. This is very amateurish film making at best. It's poorly crafted (using stock footage EVERY SINGLE TIME something is mentioned. ex. if Hitler's name is uttered we see Hitler and so on), poorly researched (it's filled with absolute, easy-to-research lies), and it's dull, dull, dull. In fact, if you do watch this, immediately go to www.expelledexposed.com where you will find the facts behind why these people were dismissed or, in some cases, quit their jobs while claiming they were fired.


Here we have a documentary that has a central battle between those scientists that believe in Intelligent Design (aka Creationism, the belief that the Earth is only 6,000 years old, that Adam & Eve were the first humans, that early humans live simultaneously with dinosaurs until Noah's flood came and wiped them all out) and the scientific establishments that believe in Evolution, a scientifically proven fact that is regarded as such by an overwhelming percentage of scientists across the globe, around 95%. At no point in this 90 minute mess does Ben Stein or the film makers provide us with a definition of either ID or Evolution. I'm willing to bet that a large percentage of people who watch this do not have a clear understanding as to what either of these truly are. This is a massive fail of biblical proportions (hahaha).

Oh! And then there's the music. Composer Andy Hunter paints with such a broad stroke it's appalling. If the film makers want music to convey sadness, Hunter gives you REALLY sad music, for anger it's REALLY pissed off and so on. It's horrendous and laughable it's so bad.

They couldn't have picked a more subtle title. No Intelligence Allowed? Film makers included.


Why is my score so harsh? Documentaries should be held to a higher standard because their initial purpose is to educate. To do so with lies and deceit is inexcusable.

If it's not painfully obvious as to how bad this is and how wrong it can be, just look at Ben Stein, the host and writer. I don't doubt that he's an intelligent man. Smart people can believe in really dumb, idiotic things. Hell, I used to believe in George luca$. Regarding science, Ben Stein is on record as saying, "I was thinking to myself the last time any of my relatives saw scientists telling them what to do they were telling them to go to the showers to get gassed … that was horrifying beyond words, and that’s where science — in my opinion, this is just an opinion — that’s where science leads you."

Bueller? Bueller? Bueller?