Satan's Baby Doll (1982)

Director: Mario Bianchi

Writers: Gabriele Crisanti, Piero Regnoli

Composer: Nico Catanese

Starring: Jaqueline Dupre, Marina Hedman, Aldo Sambrell, Giuseppe Carbone, Giancarlo Del Duca, Alfonso Gaita, Mariangela Giordano

More info: IMDb

Tagline: Tender young flesh seduced by the ultimate evil!

Plot: In the crypt of the remote castle of the Aguilars lies the recently-deceased body of Maria. Her husband Antonio is a jealous bully, his mute brother Ignazio is in a wheelchair peeping on his caretaker Sol, a novice. Also present are Miria, the couple's virginal daughter, and Isidro, a factotum who fears Satan's power. A frequent visitor is Juan Suarez, a doctor who wants Miria in a sanatorium for a month. She doesn't want to go. Isidro tries to exorcize the castle's evil spirits. Bodies pile up. Is Miria's mother truly dead, and who is Satan's tool?

My rating: 6/10

Will I watch it again?  Nope.

Hmmmmm.  Where to start?  Director Bianchi thought it best to begin with a two minute softcore lesbian makeout session and you know what?  He was right.  The music over that (by Nico Cantanese, for his sole feature film) is pretty fucking of-it's-day-Eurosleaze great.  Sadly, that one motif is repeated enough over the first few minutes that you get the idea that he'd run out of ideas.  I counted two themes used in the picture with that first, main one playing 80% over the other one and you hear it A LOT, which got old fast.   The nudity, ahem, thankfully does not tire.

It needs to be said, before you stop reading, that there's a lot of nudity.  It's shocking, I know, because it's an Italian horror movie.  It's a small cast.  There are 3 women and 4 men.  Between this troupe of 7 actors, you get to see 3 different pair of tits (for a total of 6 - count 'em, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 boobs!), 3 glorious Euro bushes and two dicks.  Dicks, you say?  Yes.  More on that in a moment.  When the film needs to move, it does at a reasonable pace.  But there are many scenes that linger for a long, long time and over stay their welcome, and they all revolve around naughty bits.  Now, I know what you're thinking; "Hey, Scorethefilm.  What gives?  Don't you like the sex?".  I do, and thank you for asking.  However when the already overplayed and once memorable theme makes yet another go around AND the sex act feels like it's playing out in real time (because it takes a while) only it goes beyond that, then it's too much.  Sol (Giordano) pleasures herself in bed while the parapalegic, wheelchair bound Ignazio (Gaita) secretly watches on.  You'd think this would last 60 seconds or so but it goes on for a full four minutes.  This is softcore, not porn so no graphic stuff.  This is a frequent thing with this flick.  And then, BAM!  An hour in, someone looks like she's going to go down on Ignazio...

And then she does.  For real.  With hard dick in hand, she does her little mouth dance.  Alright, it seems that we now just went hardcore.  I can dig it.  A couple of minutes in you can tell that she's already at the point in the act that she ready to milk it for all it's worth, so to speak.  So she's fist pounding it like she's in the whack-a-mole finals and occasionally tries to restore life with her tongue, hoping that will light the nerve endings on fire, but that clearly isn't helping.  Look, I've been there.  It's frustrating when you're unable to finish on cue but it's also sad to watch.  She spent 4 full minutes trying to make that happen after she'd given up on the throat bath.  After that, she sets her sights on bangin' Antonio (Sambrell), her husband before she died, but this time, after another overlong speed bag session with his dick and her uvula, they have vaginal sex.  

 Now, you could make the argument that these two hardcore scenes help the story and I would not disagree in this case, but the sheer length of the scenes makes you aware that this is no longer artistic but rather excessive.  But that's just me.  Anyway, back to the movie proper... There's something strange going on that involves Antonio's dead wife from the beginning of the picture.  Is she alive or what?  What's making all this weird shit happen?  As the film goes on you get more and more until you know exactly what the fuck is going on in the last half hour.  Once that happens, bodies start dropping like flies and the kills are fun.   There's a bit of padding in addition to the sex and some of the dialogue exchanges get tedious where a character will repeat the same thought but with different words.  It's not an economic screenplay by a long shot.  Mood is more important.  And it didn't hurt that it was filmed in a castle, giving that Gothic vibe and the widescreen print I watched was dirty which adds to the sleaze factor.  Italian dub with English subs is the way to go.  It's no classic but there's a good movie in here somewhere.  Great fucking posters, right?

Bathman dal pianeta Eros (1982)

Director: Antonio D'Agnostino

Writer: Antonio D'Agnostino

Composer: Ubaldo Continiello

Starring: Mark Shannon, Riccardo Zamagni, Guia Lauri Filzi, Sabrina Mastrolorenzi, Giuseppe Alotta, Ornella Picozzi

More info: IMDb

Plot: Sexually-obsessed Bathman (Shannon) and Klito-Bell arrive from the planet Eros and fight perverted criminals on Earth, such as prostitutes and rapists, in this outrageous Batman spoof.

My rating: 3/10

Will I watch it again?  No.

This is not the Batman porn parody you're looking for...or maybe it is.  I don't know you.  Bathman is pronounced as Batman, by the way.  This picture is 78 minutes long and it feels more than twice that which is the biggest problem.

But it looks like fun,right?  Well if you made a supercut with all of the goofiest scenes then maybe but I still have my limits.

The subs are fan made.  Sometimes it's obviously done for laughs but the subs seem to adhere to what is actually being said but with little tweaks here and there for comedic effect.

It's a porn parody so you get LOTS of fucking.  It's a little weird that most of the fuck scenes are so brief but there are lots of them and the movie ends with the longest of all that involves all of the heroes and villains in one giant orgy.  Even before that happens it's one setup for a sex scene after another with everyone fucking everybody else (except there's no guy on dude stuff).

The sex is generally OK at best.  The lesbian scenes fared best.  One of the problems is the music during the sex is usually goofy and played for laughs.  Hell, there's a couple of them that have pseudo Dixieland music for your fucking scene entertainment.  It doesn't work except for possibly being potentially funny.  The few decent parts are much better than their sum.  This was a struggle to finish.  I've done my community service and now it's back to digging for that rare gem among shit movies.

Hot Circuit (1971)

Directors: Paul Glickler, Richard Lerner

Writers: Paul Glickler, Richard Lerner

Composer: Michael Sahl

Starring: Sally Paradise, Jack Duquesne, Kt Fox, Simone Fallique, Shokan Hill, Pris Teen, Elmo Hassel, April Lace, Jack da Haven, Julie Love, Carol Orange, Mona Lott, Joy Ball, Marylou Wallenstein, Rita Stranworth, Reggie Smith, Crystal Cynk, Phil Luck, Irene Forster, Dana Marlboro

More info: IMDb

Tagline: Stripper & Salesman, Salesman & Babysitter, Babysitter & Adventuress, Adventuress & Woodcutter, Wooductter & Nymph, Nymph & Producer, Producer & Girl Friday, Girl Friday & Hustler, Hustler & Stripper.

Plot: An exploitive fate has it that a stripper is led to a salesmen, led to a babysitter, led to an adventuress, led to a woodcutter, led to a "nymph", led to a producer, led to "his Girl Friday", led to a hustler, led to the stripper.

My rating: 5.5/10

Will I watch it again?  No.

This sounds naive but the more I delve into 70s porn the more diverse the films are.  This one has a novel concept of a string of 9 fuck scenes that are all connected.  You can see by the tagline and poster how it's done.  Not only does it spice up the variety but it's a neat way of tying the scenes together.  The scenes are OK.  There's very little that stands out but they change up the scenery a lot.

I don't usually offer my hook-up services out but ladies, these guys are available when you are...

If you're looking for something different in your 70s porn then this is worth a look.  It's a neat concept but the sex scenes are just OK.  And remember what your Mama always told you...

Don't waste your food!

"Oh, wow!  That's a graham cracker crust!"

Confessions of a Teenage Peanut Butter Freak (1975)

Director: Zachary Strong

Writers: Zachary Strong, Jerry Abrams

Starring: Zachary Strong, Helen Madigan, John Holmes, Jacque Hanson, Veronica Taylor, Constance Money, Karen Reed, Malcolm Healy, Charles Swanson, Jo Ann McClure, Kandi Johnson

More info: IMDb

Tagline: Chunky or Creamy - No Salt Added

Plot: Sexual awakening of Billy, an inept teenager who undergoes a series of humiliating, but nevertheless arousing experiences. His peculiar traumatic experiences cause him to develop an insecurity about his ability to have a sexual relationship with a woman, as well as a fetish for peanut butter.

My rating: 6/10

Will I watch it again?  No.

Here's something different with your 70s porn.  This is bizarre from the title on down.  It's obvious Billy is a shy guy from the start but he does loves him some peanut butter.   Billy's date gets cut short because of his awkwardness and inability to tell when a chick is hot for his cock.  He stops for gas at a full service station and the gas girl, Priscilla, gets him to take her home a few minutes later when she gets off work.  At her place, over drinks and peanut butter, Billy opens up about his awkwardness being due to some unusual sexual experiences.  It's flashback time when his Aunt Opel catches him masturbating.  Minutes later she's giving him the Cliff notes rundown of how to fuck and she's easily frustrated.

Everything he does is clunky but she powers through the basics.  She blows him and when it's his turn, he has no idea.  She reaches for the peanut butter, dabs her finger in the jar and slathers it on her hairy meat flaps.  I'd show you a picture but it's not easy to unsee it.  He recounts another story about seeing his female cousin having sex with another college age girl.  They catch him spying so they make him john in.  Not knowing any different, Billy cums inside his cousin and she flips her shit because she's not on birth control.  Later on we find out that he never saw her again so I guess we can assume she got rid of it.  Now it's Priscilla's turn and she recalls how, in her younger days of innocence, she was chased by these two young men in the wild of hill country.  At first she's afraid and runs but she soon makes a game out of it and she eventually stops running so the boys/young men can bang her.  After that one, Billy tells another story about how his friend, Jeff, hooked him up with a chick that was ready to go but Billy is Billy so he needs some confidence.  Jeff (played by monster dick John Holmes) gets her started and let's Billy take over.  What a tough act to follow, right?

Anyway, The last fuck scene is Billy and Priscilla finally having at it (which naturally includes peanut butter play) and they're both in love.  Cut to their wedding for the last few minutes of the movie in one of the most bizarre ceremonies ever.  Billy has flashbacks like his life is flying before his eyes, strange music, editing and visuals.  The end.  The only reason why I watched this was for the title.  That's just too wild to pass up. If you've seen any porn made in the last few years then there's nothing special about the fuck scenes in this picture.  You might get an occasional unintentional laugh sometimes but that's it.  It's kind of a different way to tell a porn story but it has some entertainment value when you consider the peanut butter angle and Billy banging his aunt and later not pulling his dick out of his cousin.  If you want to watch it you can easily finding it online in a goggle search under videos.  It's also longer than a typical 70s porno by about a half hour.

The Devil in Miss Jones (1973)

Director: Gerard Damiano

Writer: Gerard Damiano

Composer: Alden Shuman

Starring: Georgina Spelvin, John Clemens, Harry Reems, Marc Stevens, Levi Richards, Judith Hamilton, Sue Flaken, Gerard Damiano

More info: IMDb

Tagline: if you have to go to Hell... go for a reason

Plot: Justine Jones is tired of her life and commits suicide. She comes to a place where its decided if she will end up in Heaven or Hell. Because of her suicide she should go to Hell but she has the option to return to Earth and live life according to one of the mortal sins for some time. She picks lust and a few days of carnal pleasure follows.

My rating: 7/10

Will I watch it again?  No.

The opening sets the tone for the hour to come.  It's slow, deliberate and artistic.  The music for the opening and ending is great and it beautifully compliments the visual.  This is the follow-up film from writer/director Damiano (who cameos at the end of this picture in a cell in hell) who made DEEP THROAT (1972).  I liked it.  It's a mature adult film.  It looks good, the acting is good, the story is simple and serviceable but still good.  The sex scenes are a lot more erotic than the usual fare and they're well shot.  I can see this one as one of those films couples would flock to see in the theater back then.  It's not fucking for the sake of fucking but it's a film that elevates beyond the standard porno.  It's well made and artistic.  And it has a downer of an ending.  How many pornos do that?  Throw me some titles.  I'm intrigued by that.

Back to the music.  I prefer the mysterious cues to some of the other stuff.  They just work better for the picture.  Then there's the moment something batshit happens with the score.  Justine's experimenting with a water hose in the bathtub to the music of ONCE UPON A TIME IN THE WEST (1968).  I'm crappin' you negative.  You see this...

 and hear this...

Yup.  Only in the 70s, right?  I watched this flick a month ago hoping it was one of the few porn horror crossovers but there's no horror to it except that Justine commits suicide in the first few minutes and goes to hell (where we only see a plush office) and meets Abaca (with a great performance from John Clemens). 

Dracula Exotica (1980)

Director: Shaun Costello

Writer: Kenneth Schwartz

Composer: ???

Starring: Jamie Gillis, Samantha Fox, Vanessa del Rio, Eric Edwards, Roger Caine, Gordon G. Duvall, Bobby Astyr, Murry Bukofski, Alba Bonn, Leigh Hope, Terry Yule, Carol Markoe, Inez de Falla, Denise Sloan, Diana Sloan, Herschel Savage, Donald Blank, Ron Jeremy, Randy West

More info: IMDb

Tagline: He came to bite... and ate the whole thing

Plot: Sailing to the USA, smuggler Vita Valdez stabs Count Dracula, but he bites her. A necrophiliac morgue attendant reveals she became a vampire. She becomes Dracula's secretary but turns a sergeant into a vampire against Dracula.

My rating: 6/10

Will I watch it again? No.

Oh, no!  Not wax play!  The horror!

At an hour and forty minutes this XXX movie is a lot longer than usual, but then this one is different than your usual porno.  There's a good attempt at telling a fun story.  There are some genuinely funny moments.  Dracula gets off the boat in America and kills a few folks on the boat and dock.  Then he attacks Vanessa Del Rio, strips her, bites her neck and boob, goes down on her and out of nowhere asks, "Can you type?".  Fucking classic.  The answer, for those dying to know, is 50 wpm.  It looks like Dracula just picked himself up a secretary. 

Here's another.  There's a disturbing turning hilarious scene when Anatole (Astyr) arrives at an apartment where his teenage daughter is all innocent like.  She calls him Daddy, he gives her a lollipop and they talk about daughter/fathers stuff. Then he fingers her telling her it's a butterfly chasing its wings.  It's creepy.  Naturally, they fuck.  I kept thinking, "They're really going there.".  After all, this was practically the 70s.

Afterward, she answers the phone and she's completely out of character.  It was role play all along and the girl was Sally (Fox) in disguise.  The man on the other end of the phone tells her to kill him.  She does by continuing the play time with Anatole and puts a gun barrel in his butt.  Bam.  The movie has its funny moments but not enough.  There are little spots here an there that couldv'e been shortened to help with the pacing and length but it's more entertaining than most porn features I've seen from the 70s.  The fuck scenes are OK.  There isn't any effort into creating any genuine horror but it is one of the few pornos from the era that dabbled in horror.  The best acting goes to Murray Bukofski as Chikopnik, his only IMDb credit.  The the award for "I Didn't Know He Could Juggle" goes to Ron Jeremy for an early scene when he's juggling oranges while getting blown. 

Pulp Friction (1994)

Director: Anthony Spinelli

Writer: Mitch Spinelli

Composer: The London Underground

Starring: Blade Baran, J.R. Carrington, Dallas D'Amour, Jonathan Morgan, Alex Sanders, Shelby Stevens, Frank Towers, Tina Tyler, Vince Vouyer, Crystal Wilder

More info: IMDb

Plot: They're tough, they're mean, they're the babes of Pulp Friction. Shelby Stevens, Crystal Wilder, J.R. Carrington and Tina Tyler are arch enemies. It's all about money and sex - men and women.

My rating: 3/10

Will I watch it again?  No.

I only watched this because I thought it was a parody of Tarantino's film that came out the same year.  I'm pissed.  This was pretty bad.  It's about a kidnapping and it's got nothing to do with PULP FICTION (1994).  The story is weak (yeah, I know, it's a porno) and the fuck scenes are boring.  You get the usual guy on girl, two guys on girl and girl on girl.  Everyone has lovely bodies (some fake tits, some natural but the dudes aren't packing more than 6" and some don't get fully hard) but it's a mixed bag.  The music is dull and lifeless.  What you hear in the clip above is mostly what you get throughout the movie.  Can you imagine fucking to that?  Watch the movie and you find out how well it works.  Ugh.  Don't waste your time.  

She-Hulk XXX: An Axel Braun Parody (2013)

Director: Axel Braun

Writers: Bryn Pryor, Axel Braun

Starring: Chyna, Gracie Glam, Alexis Ford, Jennifer Dark, Eric Masterson, Tara Lynn Foxx, Ryan Friller, Mark Wood, Alec Knight, Alan Stafford, Richie Calhoun, Shylar Cobi

More info: IMDb


Plot: Top attorney Jennifer Walters (Glam) and cousin to Bruce Banner (Calhoun) turns into a larger green chick.

My rating: 3/10

Will I watch it again?  No.

Is this what passes for porn parodies these days?  This is shit!  The non-porn bits are few and last maybe two minutes each which is probably ten minutes total.  There's literally no plot.  She's a lawyer that can't get what she wants for her client so she bangs the other attorney.  Next she's lying in a hospital bed not knowing how she got there.  A nurse sucks off the guard to her room and after the money shot, people try to kidnap the lawyer but she turns into She-hulk and escapes.  She-hulk goes to see the Sue Storm and Reed Richards of The Fantastic Four to help cure her but bangs Sue in the meantime.  Some dude bangs Madame Hydra and She-Hulk fucks Hawkeye.  The end.  There's nothing here.  The sex scenes (surprisingly sans music) are OK at best.  This is the first modern porn parody that I've seen and it's piss poor.  It was probably filmed in a couple of days for next to nothing.  The best thing about it is the idea of a She-Hulk porn existing.  You don't even get to see green tits!  Seriously!  You get some She-Hulk snatch but she doesn't even get naked!.  This is bullshit!!!

Blackmail for Daddy (1975)

Director: Ben Koran

Starring: Pharoah Amos, Susan Catherine, Fred Huber, Turk Lyon

More info: IMDb

Tagline: The penalty for blackmail is high if you're caught!

Plot: A married businessman has an affair with his secretary. Someone takes pictures as proof of his infidelity and blackmails him. Who could the blackmailer be, and what perverse things do they want?

My rating: 6/10

Will I watch it again?  No.

There is a plot.  Insert joke here.  It's thin but thick enough for porn.  I'm sure the title came first and then it just wrote itself but there was a little creativity here.  I mean, when we first me the guy that later gets blackmailed, he's dictating an office memo directed at the women of his company that they can't wear sexy or suggestive clothing unless they're prepared to do sexy time stuff with him.  Naturally this leads right into his banging his secretary...as you would.  The picture opens up with a rather good fuck scene set to the Main Title track from Jerry Goldsmith's score to PLANET OF THE APES (1968)!!!

Did you have visions of sucking and fucking while you listened to it?  I will from now on.  That's a wild bit of music to have for a fuck scene AND one that opens your picture.  It gets used later in the film and with a better effect.  I'm a soundtrack nerd so this just tickles my taint to hear this stuff in a porno.  They also use Gustov Holst's Mars music from The Planets.

The players are all attractive and have lovely bodies, especially Lilly and her lovely cans (she's the blackmailer).  I'd say half of the sex scenes are surprisingly good.  One scene that wasn't lasted too long.  Oddly enough, the blackmail story has a beginning, middle and end.  Let's just say Lilly won't be blackmailing anyone anytime soon.  I think she learned her lesson that day.  I sure did!  You can find this film for easy viewing with a simple search online.

Diversions (1976)

AKA: Sex Express

Director: Derek Ford

Writer: Derek Ford

Starring: Heather Deeley, Derek Martin, Jacqui Rigby, Jeffrey Morgan, Terry Walsh, Timothy Blackstone, James Lister, Tim Burr, Tony Kenyon, Gilly Sykes, Christopher Gilbert

More info: IMDb


Plot: Imogene (Deeley) has been sentenced to a prison term and her two guards are escorting her via train.  Once in the carriage she starts having sexual fantasies.

My rating: 5.5/10

Will I watch it again?  No.

Ahhhhh, 70s porn.  British porn.  Porn that shows a woman seducing a man in a barn, being raped by American G.I.s during WWII, stabbing her lover and then spreading his blood over her naked body and masturbating with the dagger used in the incident while he lays dead and open-eyed beside her...

But wait, she's not done.  She takes a souvenir and a snack.

After she showers off,   So that was fun.  Then her dreams take her to a fancy night on the town (no dialogue) and picking up a swanky fancy-dressed dude to take back to her or his place for a right boring shag before reality sets in and she's back on the train.  Bored, her mind wanders into a fantasy about being an unexpected prostitute (it's complicated but it serves the fantasy very well).  Uh, oh!  We've got Nazis!  And lesbians!

Before things get too tense with Nazi-Lesbian negotiations, we move on to a story where she buys an antique camera, sets it up in her apartment, and frolics naked in front of it while it mysteriously takes pictures on its own.  Frightened, she scampers off to bed.  She awakens to find negatives hanging in the bathroom along with the creepy guy who sold her the camera.  She faints and dreams of being in an old fashioned 1910s stag film (as you would).

Finally the train ride is over and she's let go.  That didn't make sense at all and I felt robbed of an explanation.  Now the internet says director Ford made two versions, a 50 minute cut for the stuffy British audiences and an 87 minute X-rated cut (this one) for us mature porn purveyors in the good ole US of A (and Croatia).  I'm not sure about that Croatia thing.  Some of the hardcore bits are obviously spliced in while others feel right at home.  Look, it's OK at best.  The sex isn't all that good and the non-sex is what you'd expect which only serves to link the naughty bits into some semblance of a plot.  What stands out, though is that it's British and there's a variety to the scenarios that help push this to a little above average.