The Nun (2005)

Director: Luis de la Madrid

Writers: Manu Diez, Jaume Balaguero

Composer: Luc Suarez

Starring: Anita Briem, Belen Blanco, Manu Fullola, Alistair Freeland, Cristina Piaget, Paulina Galvez, Natalia Dicenta, Lola Marceli, Tete Delgado

More info: IMDb

Tagline:  Not all water is holy

Plot: A group of teenage girls are terrorized by Sister Ursula, a nun that believes she must rid the world of all sin. After Sister Ursula mysteriously disappears, the Catholic school is shut down. Many years later, the women, all grown up, are terrorized by a ghostly nun. The daughter of one of the women sets out to find out what happened all those years ago.

My rating: 4/10

Will I watch it again? No, not even with your crucifix.

Part of the Nunsploitation Project (July & August 2013). Click here for more naughty nun insanity! 

Ugh.  This is the last of the  Nunsploitation pictures on my list to watch for the project.  It starts out OK but then it gets ridiculous with the kids (teens/20-somethings) getting involved.  The last twenty minutes gets rid of a lot of characters (there was one neat kill, a pipe through the chest, but it wasn't nearly as effective as it could have been) but by then I'd already given up.

The underwater photography, though, looked fantastic and it gave the film a nice, eerie vibe but the story and direction couldn't make it work effectively. One of the characters says, "If she kills in water then maybe the only way she can die is in water." Really?  Since the nun was murdered by being drowned in a bathtub 18 years ago, she somehow can only kill those responsible by being surrounded by water which means the sink or tub overflows and there's a shroud of water around her as she walks or floats around the house chasing her victim.  I guess if you can buy that then you can buy that the only way she can be killed is to be underwater with the ghost nun and stab her to death or something.

The thing that ultimately bothered me about this picture is that there are an awful lot of leaps of logic that don't have any explanation behind them.  How is the nun able to come back at all?  Why wait 18 years to exact revenge? Why? Why? Why?  I don't need my hand held but there are so many aspects that aren't explained it feels like the film makers had no explanation and thought it would just be cool if this and if that.  That's fine but at least try with the story before making a picture.  There are also continuity shot issues and such.  There's also very little in the exploitation of nuns. No nudity, no nun hanky panky, just a few kills that hardly begin to make up for a lack of everything else. So, does this constitute being classified as a Nunsploitation movie?  It does have a nun but the killing ( the only non-nun-like behavior she exhibits) is done when she's a ghost.  If you want to be technical about it, then yes, it probably belongs on the fringes of the sub genre but I wouldn't discuss it alongside most any of the Nunsploitation pictures of the 1970s.  Those were a different breed altogether.  If you must see it, it's on Netflix streaming right now, which explains why I wasn't able to take any screenshots.  You're not missing anything all that great anyway.

Nun of That (2009)

Director: Richard Griffin

Writers: Richard Griffin, Ted Marr

Composers: Daniel Hildreth, Tony Milano

Starring: Sarah Nicklin, Alexandra Cipolla, Shanette Wilson, Ruth Sullivan, Richh Tretheway, Brandon Luis Aponte, Michael Reed, Debbie Rochon, Lloyd Kaufman

More info: IMDb

Tagline: A blast for you and a blasphemy!

Plot: Nun of That is an action-comedy that follows Sister Kelly Wrath as she transforms from a nun with a simple temper problem to a vengeful killer. After being gunned down in an alley, she ascends to heaven to receive training from some of the great figures of religious mythology (Moses, Gandhi, and Jesus himself). She is then set back to Earth to join the other members of the Order of the Black Habit, a group of supernatural vigilante nuns as they seek revenge against the mob.

My rating: 8.5/10

Will I watch it again? Most definitely.

Part of the Nunsploitation Project (July & August 2013). Click here for more naughty nun insanity!

So here I am, going into the final stretch of Nunsploitation movies and this one has to blow my socks off.  I was howling with laughter many times.  The cast rocks the funny all the way till the end.  The jokes are often fast, hilarious and nearly all of them hit their marks AND are quite clever and fucking funny.  I can't say enough about this picture.  It's got action, comedy, nudity (YES!!!), religious puns all over the place (good ones, too).  It would take pages to describe all of the gags.

I just love the 70s look they gave to the posters.  I NEED to have this one framed on my wall!

There's a song and dance number from Jesus that absolutely kills.  Not only is the tune very good and catchy but the lyrics are clever and fun and the dancing is well choreographed.  I need this MP3 now (but without the dialogue interruptions).

Great shit.  I've listened to this a half dozen times and I only finished watching the movie a half hour ago.

I can't recommend this highly enough.  I'm an instant fan of director/writer Richard Griffin and I'm going to search out the rest of his extensive filmography.  THE DISCO EXORCIST (2011)?  Are you kidding me?  Of course I'll watch it.  Amazon just got a chunk of money for a bunch of his DVDs.

Mark of the Whip 2 (2010)

Director: Trevor Barley (as Roman Nowiscki)

Writer: Jakes Spear

Composer:  Frank Cossak

Starring: Tiffany Love, Maria Vaslova, Stacy Silver, Kate Blond, Julia Orlova, Sarka Kay, Zdenka Navotna, Kristi Lust, Helga Cernik, Conrad Bismark

More info: Teraz Films

Plot:  Some broad at a convent leaves for some reason and gets tangled up with some bad guys who want her to go back to the convent and steal a painting.  Along the way she gets whipped...a lot.

WATCH THE TRAILER HERE

My rating: 6.5/10

Will I watch it again? Possibly but not likely.

Part of the Nunsploitation Project (July & August 2013). Click here for more naughty nun insanity! 

So you've got these guys, see, that look like Nazi Gestapo officers.  Every male in the movie is wearing a creepy lifelike mask where the lips don't move. It's pretty damn cool, actually.

After the opening credits and creepy Nazi fondling we head on over to the convent.

I am so firing my lawn guy and I'm hiring these gals instead.

Now, this picture is two hours long.  Think about that.  Two fucking hours long.  But it's a fetish film with a story so it's going to be padded with stuff.  I'm getting ahead of myself.  What I'm trying to say is that this flick has some incredibly hilarious moments and there are a bunch.  It's enough to keep you interested in between the whipping bits.

 "Shit! He's done the sudoku."

She actually says that.  All of the women have thick Eastern European English accents.  They also speak in monotone which helps with the fun.

One of the nuns turns on the telly for some light entertainment...

The newscaster says something like, "A woman had been found naked, bound and apparently whipped to death and it appears that she endured multiple orgasms before dying."  If that's not exactly right it's pretty damn close.  This shit's funny.

The nun that's leaving tells the Mother Superior that she no longer wishes to stay.  The MS tells her she can keep her uniform but she has to leave her badge.  She removes the cross from her neck and tosses it onto the desk.  Hilarious.  Who would have thought there'd be so much humor in a softcore fetish sex tape?

 

Look familiar?

There's lots of whipping...

I spy a J&B bottle.  Classic.

 Uh, oh, this can't be good...

 Yes it can.

 

One little

Two little

Three little penguins...

Two little

One little
 

No little penguins.

This is going to appeal to some of you.  The whipping stuff, while I dig it, isn't all that great.  It's such softball stuff, staged and fake.  I'm not saying I want a severe beating but this flick doesn't work for me on that level.  It's well shot and I dig the scenarios but some of them go on too long and I found myself wanting to get back to the well written funny stuff.

The Thirsting (2007)

Director: Mark Vadik

Writer: Mark Vadik

Composer: Geno Lenardo

Starring: Charlie Beck, Brian Cade, Ron Fitzgerald, Elliott Fredland, Nikki Gahan, Jacqueline Hickel, Rachel Kirchmann, Tina Krause, Doug Lamoreux, Lauren McCarthy, Sydney McGill, Courtney Pahlke, Jason Matthew Palmer, Mickey Rooney, Lauren Ryland, Gary Sugarman

More info: IMDb

Tagline: Possession can be a beautiful thing

Plot: The Thirsting is a derivation of the Lilith myths taken from biblical texts. It centers around the story of a nun, Sister Katherine, who fled to the church seeking comfort from memories of ritualistic abuse as a child in an effort to get her to voluntarily host the spirit of Lilith - Adam's first wife and the mother of all demons. While supervising a senior college retreat, her students, Mary, Clareese, Michelle, Jackie and Tiffany, are given an assignment to research various pagan beliefs and compare them Catholic figures. Despite the efforts of three Arch-Angels (Senoi, Sansenoi and Sammangelof) to warn the girls not to toy with the occult, they do. When the girls accidentally summon Lilith, all hell breaks loose. Lilith attacks them in their dreams, in order to consume their souls, turning their secret desires and memories into deadly nightmares as she twists the girls dreamworld into deadly reality.

My rating: 6/10

Will I watch it again? No.

Part of the Nunsploitation Project (July & August 2013). Click here for more naughty nun insanity!

To look at the IMDb ratings you'd think this was absolute shit.  When nearly half of the 156 votes are a 1 out of 10 you're going to have to discount a lot of that to just being haters.  This movie isn't that bad.  The story was alright, the acting was alright, the score was hit and miss (the song during the lesbian scene (you can hear part of it at the beginning of the trailer) was great and worked very well as did the scene itself) but the payoff was good and there were some nice shots.  It's one of the few horror Nunsploitation pictures out there.

Look, this is only going to work if we all get topless!

O-kayyyy.

 HOLY CRAP!  It's Mickey Rooney!!!

OK so there were a lot of 'nice' shots.  The thing is it wouldn't have taken an awful lot to make this a more mainstream picture with a larger budget and more talent behind the camera to give it a proper look.  Maybe I'm just cheesed because a bunch of people really think this is the worst movie they've ever seen.  I'd like to see what else they're watching because, for me, it's far from it.  By the way, does anyone know what the last line in the film is?  She's got that electronic demon voice and it's really hard to understand.  After a couple of tries I gave up.