Captain Kidd and the Slave Girl (1954)

Director: Lew Landers

Writers: Aubrey Wisberg, Jack Polloxfen

Composer: Paul Sawtell

Starring: Anthony Dexter, Eva Gabor, Alan Hale Jr., James Seay, Richard Karlan, Noel Cravat, Lyle Talbot, Sonia Sorel, Michael Ross, Jack Reitzen, Robert Long, William Cottrell, William Tannen, John Crawford, William Schallert

More info: IMDb

Tagline: Swords Unsheathed! Love Untamed!

Plot: Captain Kidd, presumed dead, escapes the gallows and sails the seas once again but this time he's going to dig up his hidden treasure to buy a pardon from the king.  The trouble is, there are plenty of others that want that booty for themselves.

My rating: 6.5/10

Will I watch it again?  No.

What this picture might lack in some areas, it doesn't lack in action and pacing.  It's lickety split right from the get go.  The acting isn't that bad but Gabor shows enough range (from bad to acceptable) to let that slide a little.  Dexter does a good job as our titular pirate hero and it's nice to see Hale Jr. as his sidekick just as his pop was for so many of Errol Flynn's pictures.  He's great.  I've never seen him otherwise.  The music is rousing and there's lots of locations, although it would've been nicer to see more outdoor shooting.  The biggest problem, if I have one, is that most of it is filmed in a studio and even the sets sometimes look clumsy (there were a couple times I saw them move unexpectedly).  Oh, and then there's Dexter's facial hair that looks like it was done with a marker.

That's OK because I don't have the hots for him.  I've now got it bad for Sonia Sorel as pirate Captain Anne Bonney!

Man, that broad was smokin' hot!  I missed my chance with her.  She died in '04 in her 80s.  She's the mother of Keith & Robert Carradine and Michael Bowen.  You know who Bowen is, right?  Remember in KILL BILL Vol. 1 (2003) and the line "...sometimes this chick's cooch will get drier than a bucket of sand."?  He's Buck and he likes to fuck.

Tiger of the Seven Seas (1962)

Original title: La Tigre dei Sette Mari

Director: Nino Battiferri, Luigi Capuano, Arpad DeRiso, Ottavio Poggi

Composer: Carlo Rustichelli

Starring: Gianna Maria Canale, Anthony Steel, Maria Grazia Spina, Andrea Aureli, Carlo Ninchi, John Kitzmiller, Ernesto Calindri, Carlo Pisacane, Nazzareno Zamperla, Pasquale De Filippo, Giulio Battiferri, Renato Giomini, Renato Izzo, Bruno Arie, Piero Pastore

More info: IMDb

Tagline: A pirate's daughter takes on the entire Spanish fleet in a tale of heroism and treachery.

Plot: Tigre is the skipper of the Santa Maria, a pirate-ship, but he feels tired and decides to leave the command of the ship. Unfortunately he has only a daughter, Consuelo. So he will leave the command and the ship to the winner of a challenge among his men. Unexpectedly Consuelo wins. The same night Tigre is killed, William is charged with the killing and is sentenced to death. But before the sentence could be executed the Spaniards of Grand Duke Inigo arrives. Consuelo escapes, however this is only the first move of Indigo's wife to get to the pirates treasure.

My rating: 6/10

Will I watch it again?  No.

There's one thing you can't deny and that's that this flick looks outstanding.  The location shooting is gorgeous.  The color, cinematography, costumes and so on pop out of the screen like a classic painting.  The story has enough going on to keep things busy enough without getting too bogged down in filler but it does drag a little.   Fortunately there are little bits of action sprinkled in that try to alleviate any boredom.  The English dub was well done.  I'm not sure where I have an issue with this movie.  It's hard not to like on a base level because it includes a lot of what you'd expect and want in a high seas adventure pirate movie and it looks amazing. The swordplay runs the gamut from sloppy hack and slash to skilled and impressive.  I'd figure it out if I watched it a second time but that's not going to happen.  I really admire the Italian film industry from the 60s.  They focused a lot on high adventure between these types of pictures, the Sword & Sandal (Peplum) and Spaghetti Westerns.  I recommend this one but don't expect a hidden gem.  It's good but not great.

Raiders of the Seven Seas (1953)

Director: Sidney Salkow

Writers: John O'Dea, Sidney Salkow

Composer: Paul Sawtell

Starring: John Payne, Donna Reed, Gerald Mohr, Lon Chaney Jr., Anthony Caruso, Henry Brandon, Skip Torgerson, Frank DeKova, William Tannen, Christopher Dark, Claire Du Brey, Howard Freeman, Anthony Warde

More info: IMDb

Tagline: A CORSAIR CAPTAIN...A CREW OF ESCAPED CONVICTS...Plundering for Loot and Revenge!

Plot: Barbarossa, a pirate, frees a group of Spanish prisoners and makes them his crew. On a raid, he takes as a prize a Spanish countess, Alida. He has fallen in love with her by the time he arranges for her ransom by the officer who was to marry her. Exposing her intended as a coward and a liar, he goes to ask for her hand but she has escaped, and Barbarossa thinks she is the one who killed his aide, Peg-Leg.

My rating: 6/10

Will I watch it again? No.

I honestly don't get my hopes up for the off-the-beaten-path, lower budget pirate flicks of the 50s and 60s.  The genre's heyday was the 30s and 40s and it seemed that after the wind left their sails that the majority of them were relegated to Saturday matinee kiddie fare...which is fine if you're a kid or you're looking for something to fill the mindless escapism.  It's not really as bad as all that but it's close.  RAIDERS has an OK story with less than OK dialogue, OK performances and the low budget effects like ship models and whatnot. 

Payne does an admirable job as Barbarossa (AKA Red Beard, although his beard is nothing more than a really short goatee) but it's clear by him and a few others that getting a better script with better actors would've helped immensely.  It's funny but I never really thought about Donna Reed (here as Alida) in movies prior to her TV show in the late fifties even though I'd seen her in some.  I'm on record as not really liking Lon Chaney Jr.'s work but I thought he served this picture well as the one-legged friend to Barbarossa, Peg Leg. Including a young boy in the cast (Skip Torgerson as Datu) indicates (and justifies) that this is aimed at that young boy, Saturday crowd mentioned earlier.  Had I seen this sixty years ago and as a boy his age I would have eaten this up and come back for seconds.  Fans of swashbuckling swordplay will be disappointed as there's only a little bit and the choreography is sometimes clumsy.  Errol Flynn and Basil Rathbone these cats are not.

As an adult who has seen a large number of these pirate pictures, many of which are the best the genre has to offer, I look forward to each and every one of these but I realize that I've probably seen the best and everything else is just leftover cake from the party last week.  Still, I enjoyed it despite it's limitations in the budget and the production.  No one knew they were aspiring to make a great film but they easily succeeded in making an entertaining one nonetheless.  

Yellowbeard (1983)

Director: Mel Damski

Writers: Graham Chapman, Peter Cook, David Sherlock, Bernard McKenna

Composer: John Morris

Starring: Graham Chapman, Peter Boyle, Cheech Marin, Tommy Chong, Peter Cook, Marty Feldman, Martin Hewitt, Michael Hordern, Eric Idle, Madeline Kahn, James Mason, John Cleese, Kenneth Mars, Spike Milligan, Stacey Nelkin, Nigel Planer, Susannah York, Beryl Reid, Peter Bull, Bernard Fox, Ronald Lacey, Nigel Stock, David Bowie

More info: IMDb

Tagline: A picture filled with public floggings, saucy tarts, looney lords, outrageousness, offensiveness, even a stuffed crocodile and sheep!

Plot: Yellowbeard, a pirate's pirate, is allowed to escape from prison to lead the authorities to his treasure. He finds that his wife neglected to tell him that he now has a son, 20, and shame of shame, an intellectual. The British Navy, Yellowbeard, his son, and members of Yellowbeard's old crew all go after the treasure.

My rating: 7/10

Will I watch it again? Maybe in another 30 years.

It's probably been close to 30 years since I last saw this and I have to say it's better than I remembered.  The cast alone is a who's who in British comedy and it's worth it alone just to see them.  Madeline Kahn is tops on the list of women who need to have my babies and she's fantastically funny and talented in this one.  To have a movie that includes Marty Feldman, Eric Idle, John Cleese, Peter Cook AND James Mason is special even if it doesn't deliver the laughs that it should.  They all put in fine performances but it's in the script where the film suffers.  The story is almost immaterial since it's the actors and the jokes that matter but being light on jokes is one of the problems.  I'll only mention the fact the having a map tattooed on the kid's skull is made out to be a big deal but it's never utilized once that character is part of the gang.  My biggest issue is the lack of Yellowbeard, the Pirate.  Graham Chapman is fucking hilarious and filled with spastic energy but he's got far too little screen time.  But every scene he's in is priceless.  I hope I'm around a few more decades because despite enjoying it, it leaves me feeling disappointed because this should have been a much funnier film considering the talent involved.  I'd sure like to find out who dropped the ball on this one.

Peg Leg Pedro (1938)

Director: ???

Starring: ???

More info: IMDb

Plot: Oh no! Children are being menaced by evil pirate Peg Leg Pedro! This animated short combines Treasure Island, Spanish gold, and young love into a thrilling ad for Chevrolet. Things look bad for our young lovers until Nicky Nome comes to the rescue and all ends well.

My rating: 6.5/10

Will I watch it again? Probably not.

This is an unusual cartoon.  Financed by Chevrolet and made by the Jam Handy studio, it looks an awful lot like it was made by the Fleischer studio (and feels like it, too) and it's got some funny and clever gags but the funniest bit of all is how the new Chevrolet sedan saves the day at the end of the 9 minute toon.  I wonder how many more cars they sold because of this Motor City act of derring do?  Hmmmmmm.

Captain Lust and the Pirate Women (1977)

Director: Beau Buchanan

Starring: Wade Nichols, Bobby Astyr, Jake Teague, Beau Buchanan, Sharon MITchell, Veri KNOtty, Jamie Gillis, Nancy Dare, Cle Carson, Margarita Promponas, Ming Toy

More info: IMDb

Tagline: History's first "X" rated swashbuckler

Plot: This cinematic extravaganza was shot on location on a tropical Island and aboard the old, beautiful brigantine vessel, "Black Swan." The film tells the story of how Handsome Jack (Wade Nichols) and his sweet sister, Anne (Sharon Mitchell), assume secret identities to prove that Captain Lust (Jack Teague) was responsible for the death of their father, The Count of Monte Cristo. Love, sex, violence, pathos and humor abound in this tale of adventure, villainy, buried treasure and virgin sacrifice.

My rating: 6.5/10

Will I watch it again? No.

Part of the Nunsploitation Project (July & August 2013). Click here for more naughty nun insanity!  

OK, several sources on the internet have this labeled as a Nunsploitation film and it's not.  Bad Internet, bad!  I'll explain why in a moment. If you like your 70s porn or porn with a story and production values or naked pirates gettin' it on then this movie is for you!

Wow, he's really hung!  Ahahahahahahahaha.

Seriously, he is. See that 'X' on his dick?  It really does mark the spot.  See, he's got directions for buried treasure tattooed on his crank.

Meet Captain Lust!

That's right, she ties her labia into a knot through a padlock!  This picture has got a great sense of humor.  Just in case you missed it, they give you a title card and play it gain but even more close up.

One thing that both helps and hurts this picture is the continuous soundtrack of pirate songs and sea chantys.  On one hand it makes this a lot more fun but on the other they're so repetitious (even after a few short bars) that it often times gets old fast.

What song do you think they played over this scene?

You guessed it, "Blow the Man Down."

OK, so this is where the nun comes in.  The tattoo on the idiot's dick is in Latin and no one on board understands it, that is until Sister Inferior shows up and helps them out.

She blows the guy to get his treasure map big enough to read.  See what I mean about the sense of humor?  It's great.

There's a lot of surprisingly short fuck scenes and then we get the real action in the final few minutes...

And just when I thought they couldn't surprise me...

AWESOME!  Look out! Sharks!

Obviously you're not going to look for much of a plot when you watch these things but this one does have a wooden ship and a sometimes funny script.  They at least tried and I think they succeeded.  It's not as good as I thought it could be but it's better than most porn of the era in that it's pretty entertaining.  Unfortunately the copy I have looks and sounds like it was sourced from a VHS tape with the sound distorted enough to sometimes make it difficult to understand what was being said.  It didn't help that there were some poor, phony Cockney accents getting in the way.  I might give this one a shot if a really good, clean transfer shows up.  I might actually pick up more of the plot then, you know, because that's why I watched it...right?

Oh, and since this technically does have a nun and she's being exploited, I'll leave this title on the Nunsploitation page but put it under 'Honorable Mentions'.

The Sea Hawk (1940)

Director: Michael Curtiz

Starring: Errol Flynn, Brenda Marshall, Claude Rains, Donald Crisp, Flora Robson, Alan Hale, Henry Daniell, Una O'Connor, James Stephenson, Gilbert Roland

More info: IMDb

Tagline: Dashing . . . romantic . . . Errol Flynn at his thrilling best!

Plot: Captain Geoffrey Thorpe is a privateer, one of several Sea Hawks, who on behalf of Queen Elizabeth I keep the shipping lanes open. When he sinks a Spanish galleon carrying the new Spanish ambassador to England, Don José Alvarez de Cordoba and his niece Doña Maria, the Queen is displeased since they are not at war. Thorpe and his kind are very wary of Spain and urge the Queen to build up the fleet. With the Queen's tacit approval, Thorpe goes to Panama to capture his enemies treasure but they are betrayed. Brought before a Spanish court, he and his men are sentenced to the galleys as slaves. He manages to escape with proof that the Spanish Armada will sail against England.

My rating: 10/10

Will I watch it again? YES!!!!!!!!!!!

This is my absolute favorite pirate movie. There will probably never be another that will top it. It's loaded with action, romance, action, swordplay, and even more action. If you don't fall in love with Flynn based on this movie alone then you're probably no longer breathing. I would get a sex change to have Erroll Flynn's babies. That's how awesome and charismatic this cat is in this picture. The dialogue is so choice. Every word that comes out of Thorpe's (Flynn) mouth is pitch perfect and Flynn knows how to deliver every syllable with such grace and ease that it almost sounds like music. And how about those exchanges between Thorpe and the Queen (played by Flora Robson who, by the way, plays her part to a tee. The underlying sexual tones are so juicy and fun.


The pacing, photography, sets, costumes, everything comes together to make one hell of a rousing pirated adventure. But one of my favorite aspects is Erich Wolfgang Korngold's rousing orchestral score. WOW! Just like his music for another Flynn vehicle, THE ADVENTURES OF ROBIN HOOD (1938), this one delivers fun and pure escapism in spades. I can just see myself sailing the Seven Seas with his music blaring on the speakers across the deck. It's so inspiring that I'd probably bust out a sword and start hacking at shit only to be promptly arrested for trying to skewer some of the more scurvy-doggged-looking passengers. This is why the Carnival Cruise line has me at the top of their shit list. Someday I'll be on a cruise ship that will pass one of theirs in the night and I'll convince the crew to steer near her so we can board her and exact my revenge. Yarrrrrrrrrr!