Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Catwoman (2004)

Director: Pitof

Starring: Halle Berry, Benjamin Bratt, Sharon Stone, Lambert Wilson, Frances Conroy, Alex Borstein, Michael Massee, Byron Mann

More info: IMDb

Tagline: CATch Her In IMAX

Plot: Catwoman is the story of shy, sensitive artist Patience Philips, a woman who can't seem to stop apologizing for her own existence. She works as a graphic designer for Hedare Beauty, a mammoth cosmetics company on the verge of releasing a revolutionary anti-aging product. When Patience inadvertently happens upon a dark secret her employer is hiding, she finds herself in the middle of a corporate conspiracy. What happens next changes Patience forever. In a mystical twist of fate, she is transformed into a woman with the strength, speed, agility and ultra-keen senses of a cat. With her new found prowess and feline intuition, Patience becomes Catwoman, a sleek and stealthy creature balancing on the thin line between good and bad. Like any wildcat, she's dangerous, elusive and untamed. Her adventures are complicated by a burgeoning relationship with Tom Lone, a cop who has fallen for Patience but cannot shake his fascination with the mysterious Catwoman, who appears to be responsible for a string of crime sprees plaguing the city.

My rating: 4/10

Will I watch it again? Meow, meow, meow fuckin' no.

I'd always heard this was just awful but I had to find out for myself.  I had no idea it was this bad.  It's not like it doesn't look like a Hollywood blockbuster or anything because the film looks good.  It's just poorly written, acted (Berry being the one with the target on her back and Stone to a lesser degree) and directed.  It looks like it was directed by someone who'd only done slick music videos because that's exactly how this feels.  The action scenes are horrible.  Every shot is designed to make Berry look good in some slick pose but it's done so poorly that the quick edits look like a series of fetish pictures rather than something moving to show action.  They also went for every cat cliche in the book but failing to use the word, 'pussy', even once.  That was a missed opportunity.  If you're going to dress Berry up like this so that she oozes sex at every turn then you might as well go all the way and make this an R-rated film and go for it.  And the use of pop songs is often baffling as they're often out of place and totally inappropriate for the scene they're married to.  If you're looking for a comic book action movie that focuses entirely on style over substance, look no more, although you'd have a much better time freaking it at a rave.


  1. I have an enormous Catwoman fetish. Whether it's the comics, the Batman tv series, or even Michelle Pfeiffer acting neurotically. Add to that, Halle Berry is smoking hot, so when the film was released I bought my ticket and sat in the cinema with sweaty palms waiting for it to start.

    But what went wrong? Ugh! The film didn't give me the slightest tingle below the belt. It just wasn't Catwoman, sorry. Now we need a GOOD Catwoman film, and preferably not with Anne Hathaway. Although maybe Anne has promise. She needs to swing a whip and purr more.

  2. P.S. I forgot to mention. My Catwoman mania has been immortalised. There's a letter from me on the letters page of Catwoman #1, printed in 1993.