Thursday, March 5, 2009

The Star Wars Holiday Special (1978)

Director: Steve "I will never work in this town again" Binder

Starring: Many actors doing this because of contractual obligations, hefty paychecks or blackmail. The guilty include: Mark Hamill, Harrison Ford, Carrie Fisher, Anthony "I will do ANYTHING for money" Daniels, Peter Mayhew, James Earl Jones, Bea Arthur, Art Carney, Diahann Carrol, Harvey Korman and the band The Jefferson Starship.

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: Luke Skywalker and Han Solo battle evil Imperial forces to help Chewbacca reach his imperiled family on the Wookiee planet - in time for Life Day, their most important day of the year!

Plot: Chewie and Han Solo are trying to get home to Chewie's family, so they can celebrate Lifeday.

My Rating: Ass raped by a wookie out of 10. That's 1/10

Would I watch it again? Leave. Just leave.

I feel assaulted. I feel unclean. Scabs are beginning to form where the "movie" touched me. I'm going to yank them off because I know that nothing, and I mean NOTHING, can hurt me more than watching this horrific piece of shit. Living the rest of my days with a life-sized George Luca$ head-shaped butt plug (complete with full throat pouch) shoved firmly up my ass is fucking Disneyworld compared to the beating I got watching this...thing.

I know what you're saying. "I mean, hey! How bad can it be? It's Star Wars, man!". Yeah, I used to think the same thing. A few years ago me and a buddy of mine tried to watch it (we're both HUGE SW fans, well we used to be until the prequels rolled into town) and couldn't get a half hour into it before we started to try and kill each other for entertainment. So last November I decided to give it one more go and have a movie night featuring this...this turkey.

The version we watched has the commercials intact. You need commercials to break up the monotony of it all. ANYTHING is better than this. I can't fucking say that enough. Up until now SGT. PEPPER'S LONELY HEARTS CLUB BAND was the worst and most painful movie I've ever seen. It's been replaced.

Words can't describe how bad it is. It's one thing to see your favorite STAR WARS actors drunk or stoned in order to get through this white moldy turd left in the woods but it's another thing to have to sit through Bea Arthur singing a crappy song, Diahann Carroll singing a crappy song and The Jefferson Starship singing a crappy song. After the first ten minutes you feel like screaming, "It's dead already. Stop it. Please stop it."

A fiver says he takes it all the way

Read all the reviews and comments online about this and no matter how bad people tell you it is you will still feel compelled to see it for yourself. And after it's over you will feel dumber than Paris Hilton at a Mensa meeting. It's the kind of movie that makes Michael Bay look like a film maker.

The acting is deplorable. There isn't much of a plot so there's not much for anyone to do except kill time. The music is probably the biggest offender. Don't be fooled by people saying the coolest part is the Boba Fett cartoon. It's not good, either. Everybody in it looks like Quagmire from FAMILY GUY. WTF? Nope, the best part is at the end when Carrie Fisher sings the STAR WARS theme. I'm crapping you negative. But Bill Murray did it better on SNL. WOOF! She must've had a choice of doing that song or doing George Luca$.


Remember when your parents told you not to touch something because it could hurt but you did it anyway and you ended up having to go to the hospital to get 73 stitches, lose part of your face and never be able to smell again? That's this movie. Don't. Just don't.

So the next time you're with someone, laying your troubles on pretty thick about how your ex fucked your shit up REAL bad or how you lost your house to the bank because you paid one dollar less than was required from defaulting or about how you lost most of your family to a stampede on Black Friday, and that person turns to you, with all the sadness in the world in their eyes, and tells you, "Yeah, well I watched THE STAR WARS HOLIDAY SPECIAL!" There's nothing to do but lower your head, realize that someone does have it worse than you, put your hand on their slumped shoulder and say, "I'm sorry, man. I didn't know."

For those of you looking for a reason to it is. Choke on it.

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