Monday, March 2, 2009

The King of Kong (2007)

Director: Seth Gordon

Starring: Steve Wiebe, Billy "Douchebag" Mitchell

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: Don't get chumpatized.

Plot: Diehard video game fans compete to break World Records on classic arcade games.

My Rating: 10/10

Would I watch it again? My quarter's on the board and I've got dibs

Billy Mitchell is a DOUCHEBAG! He's also known to suck rancid, diseased cock.

I FINALLY got around to watching this and I'm kicking myself in the pants for not seeing it sooner. This is easily one of the best documentaries EVER. It's more than that. It's an amazing movie in its own right. Why? Because not only is it funny as hell and interesting but it's got more drama and suspense than most films only try to have. It's an underdog story with more emotional punch than the original ROCKY!!!

Billy Mitchell is a DOUCHEBAG!

KoK is an emotional rollercoaster; from the pre-nerdgasm as the film opens to the emotional outbursts at the end. I was giddy, sad, disgusted, hopeful and vengeful in the span of 79 minutes. And these aren't just petty feelings. They were all genuine. I was blown away by the range of emotions that came from a documentary about people competing for world records on video games that are nearly thirty years old. I'm stunned.

In the picture below, how many of these boys grew up to have real lives?

Sad but true: This is the closest these boys have ever been to girls!

I'm sorry, but it is, in fact, a trick question. None of them grew up to have real lives.

Billy Mitchell is a DOUCHEBAG!

You've got two central characters, Steve Wiebe, a husband and father who practices Donkey Kong in his garage and achieves the world record multiple times only to have each one disqualified by a group of DOUCHEBAGs know as Twin Galaxies. Then you've got Billy Mitchell, a world-class DOUCHEBAG who is a judge for Twin Galaxies and happens to hold the world record for DK (and others) going back to 1982. He continually proves himself to be an arrogant bastard who loves himself to the 'n'th degree. He looks like a paedophile from the 1980s and he looks like this:

Billy Mitchell is a DOUCHEBAG!

Steve's a nice guy all the way around. Billy Mitchell is a DOUCHEBAG! Steve is a middle school science teacher. Billy owns a chain of restaurants and his own brand of hot sauce. He's also a DOUCHEBAG! Steve has a beautiful, sweet, kind and understanding wife. Billy has a hideous beast of a wife with fake boobs filled with not silicone but with Billy's hot sauce.

Billy's wife is probably a very sweet girl but her mind has been poisoned and, if she's allowed him to penetrate her, so has her body...much like a Superfund site.

From L to R: DOUCHEBAG, Tai Lady Boy, Santa's most-aged elf

Billy Mitchell is a DOUCHEBAG!

Billy has so many opportunities to do the right thing and he blows it at every turn. But he doesn't just NOT do the right thing, he's got to make it worse by saying things like...

Billy: I've pointed out to Steve that he's the person he is today because he came under the wrath of Bill Mitchell.
Billy: No matter what I say, it draws controversy. It's sort of like the abortion issue.
Billy: Well, maybe they'd like it if I lose. I gotta try losing sometime.

And that's just a drop in the bucket. If I had taken notes I'd have gotten so many more gems of DOUCHEBAG wisdom that it could fill the hollowed-out ass of Marlon Brando.

I'd really like to talk about some key points of the movie, especially the ending, but I don't want to spoil this in any way if you haven't seen it...and you must see this. If you want to see a documentary with more geeks than hooker night at Bill Gates' house, this is your picture. KoK takes you into the vortex, into the little known cracks of Nerdom that you never knew existed. This particular corner is a great place to visit but you probably wouldn't want to live there.

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