Swamp Girl (1971)

Director: Donald A Davis

Starring: Ferlin Husky, Simone Griffeth and a bunch of locals.

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: Filmed on location in the strangely beautiful Okefenokee swamps of Georgia.

Plot: A little blonde girl who was abandoned by her mother in the Florida swamps is rescued and raised by a man she calls her "Pa". She takes it upon herself to protect all the creatures in her swamp from poachers and other dangers, and wins the respect of the local sheriff. One day an escaped convict and her boyfriend take the girl prisoner and try to force her to guide them through the swamp in their escape from the law. However, the girl has other ideas.

My Rating: 6.5

Would I watch it again? SHIT, YEAH!


Growing up in Florida in the 70s, this brought back a lot of memories. Living in a swamp, wearing a red cocktail dress, prancing around barefoot attacking poachers, living off the land and so forth. But, seriously. Watching this flick did feel like home at times. The grain of the film and the beautiful shots of the swamp felt just like those 8mm home movies my family had of us as kids going to the Everglades, Sea World, Busch Gardens and the Jungle Cruise ride at Walt Disney World. Then, a few years later as a Boy Scout, there was that 75-mile canoe trip down the Suwanee River that began in the Okefenokee Swamp. Swamp Girl was a nice little trip back in time.

The film starts with some groovy backwoods tune that is soon-to-be-sung by the film's star, country & western singer Ferlin Husky. This guy kicks fucking ass! He's got that down-home, Southern, laid back style about him and he's just a blast to watch. He seems like a natural.


In one HILARIOUS instance, Husky's getting close to the end of his song and one of the boys comes over and grabs him, ending the song. Watch the trailer above. You'll see it. It's a hoot when you get the context in the picture.

Now the actress of the film's titular character, Simone Griffeth (who later played Annie Smith in DEATHRACE 2000), is absolutely horrible! Imagine, and it's REAL easy, the girl that played Marsha Brady in THE BRADY BUNCH and she used the money her mother gave her for acting lessons and spent it on heroin instead. THAT'S Griffeth. O...M...F...G! She's terrible.


So the movie's going along...some dude washes ashore in the swamp reserve...the local good 'ole boys doing some illegal fishing at night find it...the ranger (Husky) and the sheriff ask them questions and the boys blame it on Swamp Girl. She's just a legend the some believe lives in the swamp. She's a legend 'cause Husky's singing a song about her, see?

Husky takes a ride on his air boat, finds an article of clothing or something and he's hot on the trail of SG. He gets hurt in a trap and she shows up to help and they get to know each other a little better. She starts yappin' about her Pa and whatnot. Goddamn, she's bad. Anyway, she...wait. You know how when you're watching someone who's supposed to have grown up somewhat isolated so their vocabulary isn't supposed to be that good but it actually is until someone utters one particular word that isolated person hadn't heard and then they put on that dumb fuck face and try to articulate the said word slowly like they are 5 fucking years old? It's here and the secret word is "deputy". "day-pew-tai"? Yep, "deputy."


Husky's look says it all for me.


After cooking some chicken or something, SG goes back to her shack and starts talking to Pa in the next room who then puts some cut wood by the stove and sits down for a talkin' to.

HOLD THE FUCKING PHONE! IS HE BLACK? (ayayayayaya - double take) YEP, HE'S BLACK! Didn't see that comin'.


But here's the coolest part of that whole situation. NOT ONCE does race play a factor. Hell, it's not even brought up. FUCKING AWESOME! We soon get some back story about how this came to be. The short story is, he saved her from an evil swamp abortion doctor and his nefarious business colleagues when she was a child. Since then he raised her on his own as if she were his all along. Too bad she turned out to be one helluva shitty actress. Can't blame it on Pa. She didn't come from his seed. This guy's a good actor so it must not be the environment but the genes.

A-Ha! She runs like a swamp girl!

Next thing you know we've got us a Bonnie & Clyde situation when a couple of lovebird criminals on the lam show up and have to get over the state line to keep from getting caught. Where's the state line? On the other side of the swamp. Think they're going to make it out alive? Think they're going to fuck with the wrong Swamp Girl by killing her Pa? Think Husky's a-comin' to the rescue with the good 'ole boys from the beginning of the picture and save the day? Think tha real mother of SG, who was going to abort SG all those years ago but didn't because she was too far along and the doctor kept her to sell to a white slavery outfit but didn't because Pa did the right thing, shows up and takes back her now fatherless baby girl and they live happily ever after? If you answered NO, YES, YES and YES, you are correct. Now go drink some hooch, have some crazy moonshine sex and yell out my name during each and every hee-haw orgasm!


Growing up around people like this I can really appreciate this film and the obvious local actors used. It does bring back wonderful memories of growing up in the South around colorful characters and the beautiful locales. Hell, I've even known some girls like Swamp Girl to some degree. This is a pretty good, made with some degree of passion and tenderness, hicksploitation flick that is a strong entry into the genre due to the cast and the little twists and turns the story takes. And I'm most impressed with how it handles race. Pa is not looked upon as being anyone but a caring human being and he's treated with respect. SWAMP GIRL is colorblind where this region of the country and the time it was filmed wasn't.


All I know is I can't wait for the sequel to the video game, LEFT 4 Dead, coming out later this year which includes a level where you get to kill fuckloads of zombies in a swamp! I'm already there, brother. I'm already there.

X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009)

Director: Gavin Hood

Starring: Hugh Jackman, Liev Schreiber, Danny Huston, Will i Am/An Actor i Ain't, Dominic "Hobbit" Monaghan, Ryan Reynolds

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: (here's what it should be) At least it's better than X3!

Plot: Wolverine lives a mutant life, seeks revenge against his half brother Victor Creed (who will later become Sabertooth) for the death of his girlfriend, and ultimately ends up going through the mutant Weapon X program.



My Rating: 6/10

Would I watch it again? Maybe. It's not THAT bad. It's not that good, either.

I've just about given up on Hollywood. X-MEN was great! X-MEN 2 was even better! X-MEN 3 was such a let-down that I pissed myself in a crowded theater and I didn't even care 'cause I was too depressed. So how was X-MEN ORIGINS: WOLVERINE?


I noticed that the reviews were in the shit house and, as a result, I lowered my expectations to below the basement. I had two free tickets so I took a good friend of mine to hold my hand in case it got ugly (it didn't, btw, so the hand-holding wasn't necessary) and I had some coupons for free corn. That's where my head was. I was lubed and ready for the ass-rape I was anticipating on opening night.

It wasn't that bad, really; the movie, not the ass-raping. Jackman has enough charisma and screen presence that he carries the picture. Schreiber was fun as were many of the cast. I'll say this, don't get attached to any of them because, just as you get to like some, THEY DIE! WHAT THE BLOODY FUCK?

Let's forget about character development because most of the characters don't last long enough to develop genital herpes at a KISS concert. The script is, at times, pretty weak. But that's OK since Hugh Jackman's the man. There are so many by-the-numbers plot devices thrown in I thought I was watching a student film on how NOT to make a movie. Michael Bay's made a career out of that. But that's another story.


I mean, Hey! How did Wolfy get that badass leather jacket and motorcycle for example? Easy, in his short stint as a mountain streaker he comes across an elderly couple on their farm. Apparently they had a son once who obviously no longer needs this leather jacket and in the barn there's a PRISTINE vintage (granted I think their in the 1970s at this point) early 1960s motorcycle that's just sitting there, uncovered, surrounded by nothing else that looks like it should be in a barn. It's only there to give The Wolfman a means to quickly exit as the barn explodes. Granted, it was the coolest barn explosion these eyes have seen, but still...

It's shit like that that permeates throughout but, I have to admit, it was kind of fun. Despite its flaws, and there are plenty, it's fun and I wasn't bored. Maybe, just maybe, in ten years when I've forgotten how bad X3 was, I might just keep going after watching 1 & 2 and watch 3 and this one. I'm certainly in less of a hurry than the studio and film makers who are making a bee line to the bank to cash in on easy dough they made on this thing.

Oh, and about that whole thing with a work print leaking months before the film was released? I had access to it but there's no way I'm going to watch a spectacle film like this, unfinished, at home. Giant Flaming Turd or no Giant Flaming Turd, it needs to be seen on the big screen. So screw you Hollywood. If you spent more time making a product worth watching than worrying about piracy you'd be giving more people a reason to get of their lazy asses and go to the theater.

Well, at least this was better than X-3...but not by much. We deserve better than this.

Movie Memories #1

Here's something I've been kicking around for a long time and, since I've got a few minutes to kill before a gig, here's the first in a series of special posts on largely theatrical memories from my childhood and beyond that cement the reason why I love movies so much.

1977 was a HUGE year for one obvious reason...STAR WARS! I was 8. Fast forward to 1981. My father wasn't around much, it seemed, when I was a kid because he worked (for months at a time) out of town. Sure, the family would visit from time to time but still...

He was home for a while this time and he told me about this new action movie called, RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK (which I'm sure I'd seen the commercials for) that starred Harrison Ford, THE DUDE THAT PLAYED HAN "FREAKING" SOLO!!! It's a Saturday, early afternoon, and we head down to the largest screen in Pensacola, one of those theaters with ONE screen. The lobby cards (remember those) were all over the place. Anyway, at that time I really liked to sit in the middle of the last row because we didn't have stadium seating then and I was a kid that couldn't see over ANYONE sitting in front of me. This gave me the ability to sit on top of the back of the seat making it really easy for me to see every inch of screen regardless of what basketball player I was behind.

So here we are, me and my dad. The lights dim. We see the Paramount logo turn into the mountain peak. Lots of mysterious jungle shots and then BAM! The crack of a whip, a bullet is loosed from a gun, Indy turns around and we see his face for the first time.


HOLY SHIT! This Ford guy is a badass no matter what he does! For the next two hours it's a roller coaster ride and I'm right there laughing and clapping along with my dad.

At the end of the movie he turns to me with a grin as wide as mine and says, "Wanna see it again?". I was a total spaz and freaked out with overwhelming glee. We sat there and talked about our favorite scenes for the next half hour or so before the next show started, not leaving our seats.

That's my biggest and most favorite movie memory. Nothing can ever surpass the feeling I had when my father turned to me and said what he did. It's as memorable as "May the Force be with you" and it's my favorite personal experience at the movies.

Great. Now my keyboard's wet.

Swamp Virgin (1947)

Director: Ewing Scott

Starring: nobodys trying and failing to be Rednecks

More Info: IMDB

Plot: A native son returns to the isolated, backwards village in the Okefenokee Swamp where he was raised, with ideas of bringing modern-day progress in terms of schools, canals, new roads, running-water and other needed changes, but is met with resistance by nearly all of the residents, some out of ignorance and some with selfish vested-interests in seeing that no changes be made.

My Rating: 6/10

Would I watch it again? Only if I should come across the full version - just out of curiosity.


This is a VERY cut version originally titled, UNTAMED FURY. Originally it ran an hour. The version I saw (as SWAMP VIRGIN and why it's called that is beyond me) was 25 minutes. I didn't know I watched a cut version until afterwards when I looked it up. Knowing that now it makes a little more sense with how this one plays out.


It starts with a writer from the city sitting on a dock in the Okefenokee Swamp with an old man who starts on about the story of these two young competitive boys. Flashback time and the boys are friends who are always showing off on who's the fastest swimmer and so forth. Years later, after his father had saved up and sent him to school (which the other kids didn't get) Jeff comes back to the swamp to visit and he's the object of affection by the ever-so-cute-and-now-HOT Judy.

"I'm not kiddin', Judy, you're going to be a very attractive young lady someday."

Is that this guy's idea of a compliment? Gee whiz, man, is that the best you can do?

Jeff's childhood rival, 'Gator Bait' Blair, wants him gone and tries to kill him in the deep marsh. As good as Blair is in the swamp he's clouded by his hate and he falls into quicksand. Jeff saves him despite Blair shooting at him and Jeff's no longer pissed and accepts Jeff as his friend. Here's why he's called 'Gator Bait':







Now, apparently there's 35 minutes more movie in there somewhere. What I saw wasn't bad. It was OK and it seemed to work for what it was. I would be curious to see the entire thing now just to see how it plays out. The music is wall-to-wall which gives you very little opportunity to lose interest. Surprisingly, the accents are pretty decent. They're better than a lot of what I've seen from Hollywood.


There's also some nifty underwater photography at play here and some really neat live alligator work that sells it.


This came as an extra (along with a bunch of like-themed trailers) in a Something Weird Video box set of Drive-In Classics. This particular disc features two Okefenokee Swamp classics, SWAMP GIRL (1971) and SWAMP COUNTRY (1966). The set (found at Sam's Club) also includes 3 other DVDs (5 more films, each LOADED with extras) and was a steal for $15. I love this company's product because they usually slap a shitload of trailers and other extras on each of their discs. I didn't expect to like either of the two swamp movies on the disc but I did and that's coming up next.

Secret of the Incas (1954)

Director: Jerry Hopper

Starring: Charlton Heston, Nicole Maurey, Robert Young, Thomas Mitchell

More Info: IMDB

Plot: Harry Steele is a tough young American soldier of fortune, eeking out a living as a tour guide in Cuzco, Peru. He has heard the legend of the Inca treasure, a fabulous golden Sunburst which has been missing for centuries, and his intention, when he can get hold of a private plane, is to head for the long lost Incan city of Machu Picchu.

My Rating: 6.5/10

Would I watch it again? I can see that happening.

I recently came across this website, theraider.net, dedicated to all things Indiana Jones. RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK (1981) is my favorite action adventure movie of...all...time. I've seen it more than any other film (nearing 50 viewings I expect - 25 of them in the theater) and nothing will ever topple it from the top spot. They have a section for films that inspired Luca$ and Spielberg in the character of Indy and for RAIDERS. INCAS was one of a dozen films and serials that have something that later made its way into the Indy films.

Before I got this movie I read quite a bit about it as it's touted by fans as the film Spielberg forced Paramount to suppress because he stole so much from it he doesn't want the public to know. I figured it was horseshit but I read on. After seeing it, it is surprising at the number of scenes and ideas that made its way into RAIDERS.

First things first. Heston looks like Indiana Jones but for the scarf. Side note: what is it with Heston and scarves? He's worn them A LOT in his movies. There's no doubt L&S modeled Indy's look after this guy. But then this isn't the first time this getup has been filmed. It's not uncommon to see the same sort of look in some jungle/desert adventure films of the 30s and 40s. To see it here and in color it really brings it home.


Harry (Heston) is a likeable guy but he's clearly a bastard and a scoundrel. You'd like him. LOL. He's a fortune hunter that's currently making a few bucks as a tour guide. The tour, btw, includes an artifact museum. Harry doesn't care much for others and he's got a really cynical attitude. This plays out well because he's got a lot of biting dialogue that's just cruel and this is a big distinction between him and Indy.

Miss Morris: Most men don't enjoy taking money from women.
Harry: I do. It's the hardest to get, and it smells so good.

and...

Harry has been flirting with an older woman, Mrs. Winston, since she and her husband arrived in Cuzco. While on a tour of the museum she notices Harry eyeing a much younger Elena to his right.


Mrs. Winston: You thinking of changing horses in mid-stream?
Harry: [pauses and grins slightly] Wouldn't you?


That's some cold shit. Later that evening at a restaurant he stops by the Winston's table where they invite Harry to join them afterwards...

Mrs. Winston: We thought you might go with us.
Harry: I'm meeting a girl.
Mrs. Winston: Awwww. We don't want to interfere with your private life.
Harry: Oh, you won't.

And...

"I've seen so many women cry it doesn't impress me anymore."

What a badass. This movie's filled with great lines like that and not just from Harry.

There's a shady man that Harry's dealt with before who wants the portion of stone tablet Harry has because it supposedly is helpful in finding out the location of the treasure everyone wants so bad. Eventually Harry succeeds in stealing a plane and takes Elena to the excavation site where the treasure is said to be.


There he discovers that an archaeologist, Stanley Moorehead (Young), has beaten him to it. In another nod to what would later become RAIDERS, Harry used a gold piece that, if placed in the right spot with a light shone onto it, will give the location of the treasure. Sound familiar? It's not nearly as exciting as the map room scene in RAIDERS but it is cool, jus the same.

Harry does a lot of lying and betraying in this film and he largely stays true to his character through to the end. The love triangle business is rather forced and ridiculous (Stanley proposes to Elena after knowing her for a day) and it plays out about par for the course for Hollywood during this time. But in all, I enjoyed it if only for looking for clues as to the origins of Indiana Jones.


If you're remotely interested in this film I encourage you to go to THIS SITE which is basically a love letter by a fan to the film. There's lots of pix and you can even view the entire movie.

The cool thing about all of this is that it's got me on a kick to see the other films and serials that served, in some way, as an inspiration for my favorite adventure film of all time, RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK. It's got me feeling like a kid again, like when I first saw RAIDERS during the summer of '81 in a big dark theater and I made a journey to the other side of the world and back a little more than two hours.

Emperor of the North Pole (1973)

Director: Robert Aldrich

Starring: Lee Marvin, Ernest Borgnine, Keith Carradine, Charles Tyner

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: Lee Marvin & Ernest Borgnine meet in the fight of the century.

Plot: Famous for brazenly hopping the most dangerous trains, even legendary hobo A no. 1 (Lee Marvin) won't ride a locomotive guarded by brutal railway cop Shack (Ernest Borgnine). But when his young protégé, Cigaret (Keith Carradine), boasts that he'll hop Shack's train, A no. 1 joins him, unwilling to lose his hard-won moniker. Soon, the two tramps are in a life-or-death battle with the sadistic Shack in this intense Depression-era drama.

My Rating: 6/10

Would I watch it again? Nah.

Here's a flick that just screamed "Watch me!". You've got director Robert "THE DIRTY DOZEN" Aldrich and badasses Lee Marvin and Ernest Borgnine! What's that? There's a big fight between these two manly men on top of a moving train? You can't keep me away from this any longer.


Too soon. It's a two hour disappointment with one letdown after another. So what went wrong? It's too "light". There's too much comedy. I love Marvin but there are too many moments where he's being Lee Marvin, the badass movie star instead of being his character, A No.1. Keith Carradine is absolutely annoying as the young upstart who thinks he's a badass. Listen, this guy doesn't have the testosterone in his entire body that Marvin has in one hair off his head! It'd be like watching Hayden Christiansen in the same scene with...uh...just about anybody. You'd know instantly who's got it and who doesn't. I can't blame Carradine too much. After all, who wouldn't look like a schmuck in the presence of the great Lee Marvin? Ernest Borgnine, that's who.


Here's a fucking badass that people don't consider him one. Look at this face and tell me he couldn't kick your ass just thinkin' about it!


See? You can almost hear him growling and gnawing on your severed leg that you gladly cut off with a pocket knife as a sacrifice to him for not beating the snout out of you.

Everything that happens with Borgnine (Shack) is serious and straight down the line. He's a sadistically brutal man who will kill anyone who tries to catch a free ride on his train. They show you right from the beginning what he's capable of so you know he means business.


So Borgnine's character is presented very well, Marvin's could have been better (but it's still good) and Carradine's is downright annoying. The music, by the not so great Frank De Vol (I've never really cared for this man's scores), is amateurish and sounds like something from a DUKES OF HAZZARD episode. It's very silly, thin and it seriously detracts from the film. Put in someone like Goldsmith and you'd likely have a much better movie.

Here's a Baptist wet t-shirt contest. Niiiiiice!

Something I didn't quite get considering the two hour run time is why there are so many off-train mini adventures with Marvin and Carradine. At least twice they leave the train, go off and do their thing and then come back the next day to hop back on (often the same train) for more travelling. I would have thought that there would be brief pit stops from time to time but not ones that lasted a day or more. It's possible but it seemed forced so we could watch Marvin go steal some chickens and hang out with other hobos and shit. I would have sacrificed a few scenes just to tighten the picture and lose some of Carradine's antics.

It was really neat, though, to see the principle actors (and there's a lot of Borgnine) doing their scenes on top of a moving train. It's not the kind of thing you'd see these days and it also goes to show that Borgnine and Marvin aren't some namby pamby actors who are afraid of a little danger.

Oh, and that fight at the end? Well, it's not what the tagline suggests, I'll tell you that much. But like some of the earlier spots of violence in the film, it's got moments of harsh brutality. When someone gets it with an axe - you feel it. It's a pretty good climax considering but it could have been better. And...

THE DIRTY SPOILERS...

It's a happy fucking ending. Nobody dies and Marvin, having thrown Carradine and an injured (but still very much alive) Borgnine off the train, yells a long-ass speech to Carradine about how he ain't got what it takes and so on. Give...me...a fucking...break!

END OF SPOILERS! YARRRRRRR!!!

Sadly, this film ain't got what it takes, either, but it's still worth watching for Borgnine and Marvin.