Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Ricco the Mean Machine (1973)

Director: Tulio Demicheli

Starring: Christopher Mitchum, Barbara Bouchet

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: No swords, no guns, no knives, no weapons. Just a burning pool of acid!

Plot: Ricco's father is murdered. Upon his release from prison, Ricco seeks revenge. People die.

My Rating: 7/10

Would I watch it again? Yes. Did my waitress last night actually say, "nuculer" when refering to one of the flavors of their hot wings? Yes. Did I ask her when she came back what flavor these wings were just so I could hear her say, "nuculer" in front of my friends...AGAIN? Yes. Did she fulfill my wishes and say, "nuculer" once more? Yes. Life is soooo beautiful whenever I leave the house.


Robert Mitchum was a hell of a tough guy actor. RM is a badass. His son, Christopher, however, is not. He is a pussy. A wooden pussy. A wooden pussy that cannot act. Shit. I'm too harsh. I'm sure Chris is a fun guy to be around it's just that he's not a good actor. It's not entirely his fault. In a recent interview included in the extras on this fine DVD he tells of how he got started, reluctantly, as an actor. He was told he was good. He believed it. People essentially cashed in on his surname. His father was such a solid tough guy movie star that it would be a truly amazing feat for Chris to gain respect as an actor.

But here he is truly awful and I'm so grateful for it. He's terrible. He barely moves. Take, for example, the following video clip that lasts a whopping 1 minute and 22 seconds...(you don't need to press the play button. I've got it on a continuous loop.)...

"Ssshhhhhh. I'm acting."

See? He doesn't even blink. Did you see him blink? I didn't. How does he do it? Amazing. His father would've batted just one eyelash which would have put one of the film crew in the hospital. This is how stiff he is throughout the entire picture. I haven't seen anything that stiff since Saturday night. Giggidy.

"Ladies and, ahem, Gentlemen...the lovely, the talented, Miss Barbara Bouchet."

THAT'S our introduction to Scilla, played most convincingly by Barbara "HUBBA HUBBA" Bouchet. We get lots of shots like that one of Scilla before we actually see her face! You'd think it was shot by a frat boy trying to prove to his film making buddies that he's not gay. I'm cool with it. It got a lot of laughs.

And then there's Rosa, played by Malisa Longo.

All I gots'ta say is Italian (and French) broads in 1973 movies ARE FUCKING HOT!!!

Would you believe there's plenty of action?

Would you believe there is a reason Ricco is called The Mean Machine? There is. It sounds more macho than Ricco The Wooden Pussy. This guy is about as mean as Bouchet's cleavage. Go ahead. Scroll back up and check it out for yourself. I'll wait...

Mitchum couldn't be slower in the fight scenes. They're all so poorly executed with the actors/stuntmen WAITING to hit or be hit. Ricco's first fight (below) looks like something out of the 60s BATMAN TV show outtakes.

You've got to see it to really appreciate the unintentional comic genius of it all. He claims in the DVD interview that he was a black belt back then. You'd never know it from this movie. Gumby's got better moves than this guy.

You have GOT to see this movie.

Ricco busts into the bad guy's house to find his pre-prison girlfriend now shacked-up with his father's killer. Ricco, taking the longest fucking warm-up to a slap in screen history, introduces her to his backhand. Then she gets naked and wants to bang him.

Some other highlights...

Bouchet does an extended striptease on a foggy dark street to distract a couple of thugs. She exposes her breasts...ALL of them.

As we get close to wrapping up the picture one of thugs gets caught nailing the Boss's girl, Rosa, and gets fucked with.

Then they do the sensible thing and cut the guy's dick and balls off. So what's a pissed off lover to do next? You guessed it. Stuff his recently separated junk into his mouth...

and then throw his dickless self into a vat of acid. That's what.

"And here's a little something for the ladies."

That whole scene came out of fucking left field. So what happens to Rosa? After they force her to witness this priceless scene they take her into the hallway and shot her (off camera). NICE! I'm guessing the Boss was feeling confident that he'd find another girlfriend soon enough.

This movie is fucking awesome. Dark Sky released this not too long ago. The only extras are a trailer and an 18 minute featurette with interviews mostly with Mitchum. That's a welcome addition and kudos to Dark Sky for making it for this release. It's not as much as I would like but then it's more that what most companies would do. It's not a particularly great film but damn if I didn't enjoy the hell out of it. Don't watch it by yourself, though. It's better with a crowd to help you get through the slow spots. Thank you Dark Sky and thank you Christopher Mitchum for bringing so much joy into my home.

Here's a great RICO drinking game. Take a drink every time Chris Mitchum:

- waits a full second or two BEFORE he takes/throws a punch or a kick
- speaks a complete sentence in a monotoned voice
- stands completely still for more than two seconds
- or shows his full range of emotion by looking like this...

You'll all be plastered in 15 minutes tops!

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