Monday, February 23, 2009

Ultraviolet (2006)

Director: Kurt Wimmer

Starring: Milla Jovovich, Cameron Bright, Nick Chinlund, William Fichtner

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: First, they made her a weapon. That was their second deadliest mistake. Now, they've made her a target...

Plot: A beautiful hemophage infected with a virus that gives her superhuman powers has to protect a boy in a futuristic world, who is thought to be carrying antigens that would destroy all hemophages.

My Rating: 5/10

Would I watch it again? Uh, nope.

Going into this you've got Milla. A MAJOR hottie. She was outstanding in MESSENGER: THE STORY OF JOAN OF ARC (1999) and THE FIFTH ELEMENT (1997). And it doesn't hurt that she looks great naked and she isn't afraid to show it on screen. Then there's Kurt Wimmer, the guy that wrote and directed EQUILIBRIUM (2002), one of the best sci-fi movies of the past decade. How bad could this be? Let's say it together..."UGH!" If THE MATRIX were made out of bubble gum this would be what it tastes like.

If they were going for a loud, obnoxious, hyper-stylized, flashy, comic book, live action cartoon video game then they succeeded except that they failed to make it an enjoyable one.

On the surface, I REALLY like the look of the film. Some of the action scenes are OK at best but most just sit there with no impact or emotion whatsoever. This is the worst thing I've seen Milla in so far. But, to be fair, I haven't seen her in very much. Think Keannu Reeves with boobs. She's about that wooden. "You and your friends are DE-ad" Fichtner does a fine job but there's not an awful lot for him to do. Chinlund comes of best by a long shot. I really dig this guy and I'm going to have to start seeking out more of his work. He reminds me an awful lot of Bruce Glover, a great character actor and father of Crispin.

Bruce & Nick

The music is almost wall-to-wall techno pounding bullshit that's supposed to convey badassness or something. It didn't bother me too much but I certainly didn't think it was that good, either. Klaus Badelt is capable of better.

I will say this. It has a great main title sequence referencing some of the greatest comic book art of all time. That was a real treat. And there's a really neat flaming sword fight that's visually fun. Hell, this is a perfect example of style-over-substance. It's 88 minutes of eye candy and after it's over you're starving for meat.

It's the stale dialogue and the "you had the potential so what did you do with it" execution that cripples this thing from the get-go. Oh, and the twist? By the time it happened I couldn't have cared less. I could pick at this thing like a Thanksgiving turkey but the weird thing is, it had enough to hold my attention and it almost kept me from being completely and utterly bored. If someone had jiggled a shiny object in the corner of my eye I would have betrayed ULTRAVIOLET for something as simple as a set of car keys.

If I could have this movie projected onto every wall in my living room, including the ceiling and the floor, filling every inch of space I would lie there and trip out 'till the cows came home. If I should ever watch this again, that's how it's going to have to be.

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