The Sinful Dwarf (1973)

Director: Vidal Raski

Starring: Torben Billie, Anne Sparrow

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: Hvad var den mystiske dværgs perverse hemmelighed??? (What was the mysterious dwarf's perverted secret???)

Plot: Olaf and his mother run a boarding house and a white slavery ring. They also smuggle heroin to keep the addict girls hooked and happy so they do not try and escape. A young couple move into the house and the evil landlords take a liking to the female.

My Rating: 6/10

Would I watch it again? Sure as shootin'

This movie is fucked up and in a good way. It's got a fantastically exploitative plot and lots of ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS women in their birthday suits. Plus you get this guy...


...a dead-ringer for Jack Black. He's awesome but that grin, as great as it is, gets old after a while. He wears it through most of the picture. He's great and the actress playing his mother is great (and has a fantastic rack for her age). There's an abundance of Euro bush in this one. And the ending kicks major ass!


SPOILERS OF OZ

The husband, whose wife has been abducted, shot up with heroin and forced to have sex with paying customers, figures out what's going on and busts in to kill the dwarf and his mum when the cops show up. After discovering the truth, one cop gives him his gun so he can get his revenge. Fucking sweet. After he shoots her dead Olaf beats up the cop in the attic, opens the attic window (they're about 3 stories up which is like 5-6 stories to him) and then throws himself out it to his death!!! Niiiiice.

END OF SPOILERS...YARRRRR!


So. What's not to like? It moves slower than Dom Deluise after a visit to Barnhills Southern Buffet. That's what. Some of the sex scenes go on WAY too long. The chicks are hot, sure, but enough is enough.

One thing that creeps me out in movies is not being able to distinguish the girl's ass from the guy's. There's not much more creepy than saying to your friends, "Wow! Nice ass!" only to find out it's the guy's ass. Of course, that never happened to me.

Kingdom of Heaven (director's cut) (2005)

Director: Ridley Scott

Starring: Orlando Bloom, Liam Neeson, Eva Green

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: Be without fear in the face of your enemies. Safeguard the helpless, and do no wrong.

Plot: Balian of Ibelin travels to Jerusalem during the crusades of the 12th century, and there he finds himself as the defender of the city and its people.

My Rating: 5.5/10

Would I watch it again? Oh, HELL, no!

When will Hollywood wake up and realize that Bloom can't act? Sure he was great in LOTR because he played a character that showed NO EMOTION! He was OK at best in the first POTC movie (the other two sucked hard). Here he has the job of carrying the ENTIRE FUCKING PICTURE!!! Naturally, he fails. He picks up a lucrative fat check from the studio, bangs the script girl and her friends (but just the cute ones), skips his acting classes to go play checkers with the local amputee prostitues and then walks onto the set ready to not act.

PIRATES OF THE SPOILERBEAN:

There is a scene early on where Neeson tells Bloom that he is his father and he's come to make amends for missing his child's life up to this point. He's a respected knight and can do that. Bloom is visibly struggling to...uh...ACT! It's one of many painful scenes to endure.

END OF SPOILERS...YARRRR!

It's a Ridley Scott film so you know you're in for some talented and entertaining film making. It's a beautifully shot film. No question about that but it drags and drags and the suffering through Bloom's performance doesn't help.

I wanted to like this film. I dig knights, Ridley Scott's films, some of the actors in this but it's ultimately Bloom that failed to sell the picture to me. I can't blame him. I suck more than he does as an actor and if someone shovelled a shitload of dough at my feet I'd take it, too.

Mountain of the Cannibal God (1978)

Director: Sergio Martino

Starring: Ursula Andress, Stacy Keach

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: When the price of lust is death..!

Plot: Susan Stevenson (Ursula Andress) and her brother Arthur (Antonio Marsina) get off a plane somewhere in South America, allegedly in search of her husband. They team up with, Dr. Edward Foster (Stacy Keach). The three head into the jungle, get in more than a few fights amongst themselves, and view lots of gratuitous animal cruelty, notable an iguana getting eviscerated.

My Rating: 8/10

Would I watch it again? Yeah! And next time while eating sloppy joes!

#40 on Drive-In Delirium Volume 2 (part of the TRAILER TRASH PROJECT)


Man, this movie rocks! I think this is the second cannibal flick I've seen (the first one being CANNIBAL FEROX (1981) which was amazing) and I'm looking forward to more. These Italian cannibal flicks are not for everyone. Even a lot of hard core B movie & horror fans stay away from these and it's usually because they show animals being killed in various gruesome ways, almost always at the hands of natives. There are even some shots that were obviously set-up by the film makers to get that great shot of a boa constrictor eating a spider monkey or something similar. THAT is just wrong. It was purely done for sensationalism and it adds nothing to the films but giving something audiences to squirm and scream about. AND some of those shots were used in multiple films. The snake/monkey scene was used in CF and this one.


Jungle Law: (FUCKING HOT IN EVERYTHING SHE DOES) Ursula is walking through the jungle in high-heel boots. Keach kills a tarantula. Now the natives have to sacrifice an iguana in a ritual to make everything OK with the gods since they're so superstitious.

"American Idol has been very, very good to me."

Besides the animal and cannibal action you get:

- LOADS of jungle bush
- Two natives getting it on
- One native fucking a giant pig

- One native girl all muddied-up and masturbating
- Ursula having mud slathered on her naked body by native chicks (giggidy)


What else do you get in this Oscar-snubbed picture?

In one scene a native frees a muddy and naked Ursula from her bondage only to rape her. He gets caught and his native buddies cuts of the guy's crank. Then they start eating snakes and shit because apparently that's what you do after separating a guy from his junk. I don't think even Lorena Bobbit did that. And since when are there fat natives in the jungle?

It's got a very satisfying ending and by the time you've gotten there you've been on one helluva ride and by the time it was over I was ready to jump back on and ride it again.

Knights of the Teutonic Order (1960)

Director: Aleksander Ford

Starring: Poles

More Info: IMDB

Plot: A tale of a young impoverished nobleman, who with his uncle returns from a war against the order of the Teutonic Knights in Lithuania. He falls in love with a beautiful woman and pledges an oath to bring her "three trophies" from the Teutonic Knights.



My Rating: 8/10

Would I watch it again? Tak!

WOW! What a great movie! It's easily one of the best I've seen on this subject/time in history. It's rich with grimy, dirty detail. great location shooting, some exciting action sequences and a very good score (by Kazimierz Serocki. You know, the guy who scored Goraca Linia! Duh!!).

One thing I liked most is that it was made in Poland (the original name being KRZYZACY). That fact alone that it's a European film and not a Hollywood one brings a certain freshness and adds more flavor of reality to it. Even at 166 minutes (!!!) I wasn't bored for a moment. I loved it and I will definitely revisit it in the next couple of years I'm sure.

Constantine (2005)

Director: Francis Lawrence

Starring: Keanu Reeves, Rachel Weisz, Shia LaBeouf, Djimon Hounsou, Tilda "Strangely HOT" Swinton

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: Hell wants him. Heaven won't take him. Earth needs him.

Plot: John Constantine is the exorcist who has been to Hell and back, and whose soul is sentenced to hell. He has been deporting demons to get on good terms with God, yet God wants self-sacrifice. After the mysterious suicide of her twin sister, detective Angela Dodson goes out in search of the truth. Together, Constantine and Angela battle the demons on Earth.



My Rating: 5/10

Would I watch it again? Whoa! No!


I had long heard that this is a pretty good flick even for those of us who think that Keanu should stick to doing what he does best...Bill & Ted movies. I've been misled and wronged. This movie is pretty good for the first 20 or so minutes but once the plot is pretty much outlined and all we're left with is Emo Keanu spewing out shitty nuggets of wisdom or monologues that fall flat and little adventures here and there. Other than that it's pretty decent but the 121 minute (!!!!) run time forces me to find other things to do like pour myself a drink, play with the remote, ask anybody in the room why we're watching this, pour myself another drink, think about how much better this would be if Rachel Weisz would at least show a little skin, pour yet another drink and wait, wait, wait.


Trim a bit here and there and replace Keanu with someone with acting chops and you'd have a pretty good movie. I just didn't see one that night.

Torture Garden (1967)

Director: Freddie Francis

Starring: Burgess Meredith, Jack Palance, Peter Cushing

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: Do You Dare See What Dr. Diabolo Sees?

Plot: A special sideshow torture exhibit has the power, according to the showman Dr. Diablo, to warn people of evil in their futures. The skeptical customers are shown the greed and violence they're hiding.

You can start watching the entire film here:



My Rating: 5/10

Would I watch it again? I don't think so.

Woof! Anthology films in general usually aren't that great; especially horror anthologies. But often times there is one story that stands out above the rest. TG has just one. The other stories are yawn-inducing. This one's made by Amicus, the British studio that competed with the horror champ, Hammer. Like a lot of British horror from the 60s and early-to-mid 70s they are beautifully shot with lush Gothic settings. TG has that but it's the stories of each that are slow, predictable, dull and lifeless.

The plot device that weaves these stories together is a freak-show-like exhibit at a carnival. The lucky few that stay behind to really see something scary are invited by Burgess to gaze into the scissors of a wax gypsy woman. Then they see their fateful future. Boo.


The only one I dug was the last one which had Jack Palance and Peter Cushing as two HUGE fans of Edgar Allen Poe only Petey has Poe living in a chamber cranking out more stories. Like the other stories it's slow but it does have a pretty good surprise ending and it's also got two major badass actors carrying us through it.


Burgess is always fun to watch. Always. He's having a blast as the over-the-top carny entertainer who may or may not be Satan. His name is Dr. Diabolo after all. It's hokey and I really can't recommend this film as much more than a curiosity. I even watched it outside on the giant movie screen and it still sucked. You win some. You lose some. Them's tha breaks.

Tropic Thunder (2008)

Director: Ben Stiller Not Funny

Starring: Ben Stiller Not Funny, Robert Downey Jr, Jack Black, Steve Coogan, Nick Nolte

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: The movie they think they're making... isn't a movie anymore.

Plot: Through a series of freak occurrences, a group of actors shooting a big-budget war movie are forced to become the soldiers they are portraying.



My Rating: 7.5/10

Would I watch it again? Oh, yeah. It's worth it just for Downey

I wish I could say Ben Stiller is back after having run out of funny a long time ago. I wish I could say it's a great action movie. I wish I could say it's one of the best satires on Hollywood actors in years. I really wish I could say I loved it.

Months ago, when I first saw the photo of Downey in character makeup as the black Army Sgt, Kirk Lazarus, I was in tears with laughter and disbelief. It took me a while to see the actor underneath the character. Then the trailer hit and I was completely sold despite Stiller being attached to it.


I remember watching and LOVING Stiller's 6-episode, short-lived, show, THE BEN STILLER SHOW back in it's first run in 1990. THAT was funny. It wasn't anything but a showcase for Stiller to goof on celebrities like Tom Cruise and Oliver Stone in some really funny skits. After that he seemed to play the same type of character - an earnest man clueless to his stupidity. It got old and fast. When he showed up in a cameo in the otherwise funny ANCHORMAN (2004) I'd had enough. I really had high hopes that this could be a turning point since he also directed it and co-wrote a story that had so much ripe material to draw on. Unfortunately, he only made it halfway back.

I liked the film but I was disappointed at the same time. Downey is absolutely amazing and hysterical. His speech to Stiller about how Stiller made a mistake in going "full retard" in a film as opposed to "half retard" like Hanks (Forrest Gump) and Hoffman (Rainman) is priceless. He's the only main character that wasn't wasted. Sure, they could have had more Downey and I would have loved it but what was there seemed fine. Stiller did do a good job with giving everyone a few moments to shine, just not enough.


The film opens with trailers and commercials for each of the four leads. Downey's was the best by far. The rest were lackluster which is too bad. After they were done I was stunned that that was the best they could come up with. Jack Black can be funny and he pulls off some funny gags but a lot of them fell flat. Missed opportunity there. Brandon T. Jackson, as rapper-turned-actor Alpa Chino, had some good bits but not enough. And Stiller just did the same thing he always does, has his bits of childishness fused with stupid, blind, phony courage. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't.

Apocalypse SPOILERS:

Tom Cruise makes a disguised elongated cameo as a ruthless studio exec. I normally loathe Cruise but he had some hilarious moments but not all of his bits got laughs like it seemed like they were going for. His big-ass dance scene at the beginning of the end credits was just not funny. It looked like it was supposed to be but it wasn't and it went on WAY TOO LONG. It seemed like they had this huge star goofing around so let's stroke his ego and let him go at it.

Matthew McConaughey, who I don't normally care for, is pretty damn funny as Stiller's "I'll do ANYTHING for you" agent.

END OF SPOILERS...YARRRRR!

Fortunately the movie feels pretty short at 107 minutes and it's beautifully shot in Hawaii. I'm certainly glad I saw it. Downey had me howling just about every time he opened his mouth but the rest of the film felt like a string of "that's the best you could do?" missed opportunities. He should've gone half-retard.