My Bloody Valentine 3-D (2009)

Director: Patrick Lussier

Starring: Tom Atkins and a bunch of nobodys

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: He's gonna break your heart.

Plot: Tom returns to his hometown on the tenth anniversary of the Valentine's night massacre that claimed the lives of 22 people. Instead of a homecoming, however, Tom finds himself suspected of committing the murders, and it seems like his old flame is the only one will believes he's innocent.




My Rating: 6.5/10

Would I watch it again? it's possible but only in 3D

I LOVES me some 3D. The old red/blue anaglyph shit is fun and the new 3D process is fantastic. MY BLOODY VALENTINE is the first live action film I've seen with the new 3D.

I'm going to keep this spoiler free for a change. It starts out with a bang with the back story of the mine murders and an Oprah-assload of kills. Nice. Then it's ten years later and the murders start up again and this is where we'll be until the reveal at the end. When you're watching it, don't think too much; just enjoy it.

We get treated to a tremendous body count involving every way you can think of to kill a person with a pick axe. There aren't really any good scares in it. We're given the same cheap-ass lame-O bullshit "jump" scares we get in most Hollywood films. You know, where something leaps onto the screen out of nowhere and you hear a loud band in the music. It's rarely done effectively, it's the cheapest way to make someone jump and it pisses me off. There was one moment, though that made me flinch and it was when some shit was being knocked about in a grocery store and a few things flew out of the screen towards the viewer quickly. But that's only because of the 3D that made that possible.

So how was the 3D? Pretty fucking cool. I really liked how the film makers didn't beat you over the head with "Hey, look what we can do with 3D. Cool, huh?". Yeah, you get a few of those moments but a lot of them aren't flashy and they work pretty well. I didn't find myself reaching out in front of me to try and touch anything like I've been known to do. That's right. I'm a total dork. I've done that knowing full well that it's a visual trick but it's fun so let it go.

As I said, there are a ton of kills but there are two that stand out. One is early on when someone gets a flat-edged shovel horizontally through the mouth and out the back of the head, effectively cutting it in half. That was fun. And later someone gets the pick axe thrust from beneath the chin and up through the mouth and then pulled forward throwing the jaw out to the audience. Sweetness.

Tom "Thrill Me!" Atkins was a lot of fun. This guy is a character actor staple of the horror genre throughout the 80s and it's nice to see him back in something fun like this. You've also got Kevin Tighe, John Locke's motherfucker of a father in TV's LOST. He's a hoot. And then we get treated to Betsy Rue. Who is she? A nobody until after this picture. I'm not sure if she can do Shakespeare be she did fine in this. Oh, and she's completely nude, running around a motel parking lot with a gun and then running for her life from the killer. It runs for several minutes and it's pretty neat in that you haven't seen anything like this before. It's even better because it's in 3D. I saw several people in the theater reaching out at the screen trying to touch her with one of them leaning over to me afterwards asking if I wanted to smell his finger. I'm sure Betsy will be getting more work after this movie.

The 3D is really what makes this more fun than it should be. We're in the beginning stages with the 3D revolution that is developing. I like it and I welcome it. I'm especially chomping at the bit for Lucas' promise to bring the STAR WARS films to the theaters in 3D. But with that comes Jar Jar and those fucking Ewoks inches from my face. The upside is that I'll find my fists flying at every opportunity.

Oh, the story is fine and the pacing works if only a tad on the slow side at the 2/3 mark. Is is worth dropping an extra two bucks down to see it in 3D? Yeah, it's fun but without the 3D "gee whiz" factor it's just another slasher movie that is better than most of late but not enough to be garnered a classic. I can't say anything about the original 1981 film as I haven't seen it...yet.