Texas Chainsaw (2013)

Director: John Luessenhop

Writers: Adam Marcus, Debra Sullivan, Kirsten Elms, Stephen Susco

Composer: John Frizzell

Starring: Alexandra Daddario, Dan Yeager, Trey Songz, Scott Eastwood, Tania Raymonde, Shaun Sipos, Keram Malicki-Sanchez, james McDonald, Thom Barry, Paul Rae, Richard Riehle, Bill Moseley, Gunnar Hansen, David Born, Sue Rock

More info: IMDb

Tagline: Evil wears many faces.

Plot: A young woman travels to Texas to collect an inheritance; little does she know that an encounter with a chainsaw-wielding killer is part of the reward.

My rating: 5.5/10

Will I watch it again? No.

Though released last year, it was filmed in 2011...just 5 years after the last incarnation of the story.  Who was asking for this?  When I heard about it last year I was kind of surprised that it was out there.  That it was in 3D would have been the only reason I would have wanted to see it in the first place.  The original is one of my top favorite horror movies.  That builds in a little interest but not much.  Just watching the trailer was enough to be able to size it up.  It turns out it's not horrible but then it's not all that good, either.

The performances are OK.  I thought Thom Barry (as Sheriff Hooper) was the best of the bunch.  The gore is good and I really dug the house and location.  I'd swear it's the same house interior used in DJANGO UNCHAINED ().  Nearly all of the scares are loud, instant noise jump scares.  I hate that shit.  It's a sure sign that the film makers aren't capable of making a genuinely scary movie so they have to resort to hitting you upside the head out of nowhere with a fast visual and loud audio.  It's incompetence is what it is and it proliferates most horror movies made in the past twenty years.  Anyone can sneak up behind you, grab your shoulders and yell to get you to jump.  That's easy.

The biggest offender is the piss poor writing.  The dialogue isn't bad (except for the obligatory stupid badass quip the slutty chick, Nikki (Raymonde) I think, says when she fires the shotgun at Leatherface (Yeager) (plus it barely when she pulls the trigger).  Aside from that out of nowhere bullshit, the story has way too many plot holes and convenient-to-the-story devices.  It's just plain laze.  Like when Heather is caught and chained up by the deputy.  She's chained and suspended from the ceiling at the slaughterhouse and he unbuttons her shirt.  Yeah, we get to see some inside boob but the ONLY reason he did that (and you know it the moment you see her like that) is because it makes it easy for Leatherface to see the birthmark on her chest so he will know she's the baby that was taken twenty something odd years ago and he won't kill her.  It's just shameful how lazy it is.  There are other things, too, that are just as weak.  The tag at the end of the credits, while a fun moment, couldn't happen in real life not to mention Heather's transformation AND her and Leatherface getting away with it.  And don't you think there would have been an investigation into the slaughter at the beginning of the film by State or Federal law enforcement?  I hardly think that the buck would have stopped with the local sheriff. OK, so now that my bitching is over, I did find a few things to dig but they're overshadowed by a weak story.  Go into it with minimal expectations and you'll be reasonably entertained.  Anything more and you're setting yourself up for disappointment.