Monday, June 5, 2017

Bitch Slap (2009)

Director: Rick Jacobson

Writers: Rick Jacobson, Eric Gruendemann

Composer: John R. Graham

Starring: Julia Voth, Erin Cummings, America Olivo, Michael Hurst, Ron Melendez, William Gregory Lee, Miniae Noji, Kevin Sorbo, Lucy Lawless, Renee O'Connor, Dennis Keiffer, Scott Hanley, Mark Lutz, Debbie Lee Carrington, Zoe Bell

More info: IMDb

Tagline: Prepare to get slapped ...

Plot: Three bad girls travel to a remote desert hideaway to steal $200 million in diamonds from a ruthless underworld kingpin.

My rating: 4/10

Will I watch it again?  Nope.

Ugh.  This looked like silly fun but it's nearly two hours of "get on with it already".  I was bored and it's another one of those movies where you think it's FINALLY wrapping up only to hit the display button and see that you've got 40 minutes left.  It's painful.  The opening credits are fucking fantastic.  It's a quick succession of clips from old movies with women slapping and punching and bits from exploitation flicks from the 60s.  I recognized a lot of them and that made me feel special.  Hey, I don't get many of those moments so I revel in them when I do.  Then the movie starts proper and there a definite vibe of FASTER, PUSSYCAT! KILL! KILL! (1965).  There's a trailer in the middle of the desert and these three gals show up in a sweet classic muscle car.  I'm on board so far but it doesn't take long before boredom sets in and I'm fading.  Some things that annoyed me...There are flashbacks galore and they all start with something like "4 hours ago" and "3.17 months ago".  There are at least a dozen of these and it gets old and fast.  There are a lot of fights and they go on for too long.  OMFG why am I spending so much time writing this?  And one thing that might be a deal breaker for you is there isn't any nudity.  I take that back, there's one scene at a party where some random girl is topless.  OK, so there's your two seconds of skin.  You would think that the clearly grindhouse loving film makers would throw some bare boobs in there somewhere.  Sometimes it's completely necessary like in a movie that overstays its welcome by about a half hour.  I'm just sayin' a few nips wouldn't hurt this picture in the least.  If you're thinking about watching this for the first time I would encourage you to consider other options.  For what it's worth, the acting's OK if not surprisingly better than you'd expect.  So there's that, but who's going to watch a movie called BITCH SLAP with three hot chicks leading the cast for the acting?  Exactly.  Now where's the nudity?

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