Star Wars: Episode 1 - The Phantom Menace (1999)

Director: George Lucas

Starring: Actors at a low point in their careers

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: Every generation has a legend. Every journey has a first step. Every saga has a beginning.

Plot: As imminent conflict brews between the powerful Trade Federation and the peaceful planet of Naboo, Jedi Master Qui-Gon Jinn and his apprentice Obi-Wan Kenobi travel to Naboo to warn the Queen of the galactic fallout which is to follow. Eventually, Naboo is invaded forcing the Jedi to evacuate the planet with the Queen and her court. They travel to the desert planet of Tatooine where they meet a slave boy called Anakin Skywalker who is evidently one with the Force.

View a MUCH better Trailer:







My Rating: 5/10 and that's generous

Would I watch it again? Not likely (pay close attention to this, Future Self)

Here's where I'm coming from. In 1977 I was 8. STAR WARS changed everything for me. I was a classic SW freak. For the next few years I wanted anything and everything SW. The toys, I had most of them. When ESB came out I was even more into it. By the time ROTJ came out in 83 I was 13. I liked ROTJ but not nearly as much as the first two. I hated the Ewoks. Every time I saw the film I imagined Luke tossing a few onto Vader's funeral pyre at the end to stoke the fire. That never happened. I didn't want teddy bears in my SW movies. Too cutsie.

George Lucas: My Viceroy has no nose.

"Yes" Man A: How does he smell?

George Lucas: Awful!

Lucas once said, back in the late 70s I think, that he made STAR WARS for the child in all of us. Now, after coming back and making episodes 1-3, he's made these movies for the children, not us adults who've supported his fat ass all these years. And that's my biggest problem with this film in particular. I watched it last night. I really see no need to see it again. Ever. I was there for the first show on the first day. I didn't like it. I thought maybe it was me so when a good friend asked me to tag along a month later I went. I didn't like it then, either. I bought the DVD (used and dirt cheap, btw). I tried to watch it but turned it off after the first half hour. Then I gave it a go with the commentary. I made it all the way through. Go me. That was 5 or 6 years ago.

There were two friends with me last night. I can honestly say I couldn't have done it without them or the alcohol that started pouring during the pod race after the lame-ass line, "I don't care what planet you're from; that's GOTTA hurt." I'm not going to rant much. There's plenty of that all over the Internet. You've seen it so you know what I'm talking about. Fart jokes in a SW movie? Poo poo jokes in a SW movie? A main character that's lamer than an Ewok in a SW movie? If you had told that ten years ago I wouldn't have believed it.

"Badass"

Lucas has always had an amazing imagination and a talent for realizing it. He shouldn't be in control of absolutely everything. With the first two SW films he had people telling him NO. It's my belief that beginning with ROTJ he started surrounding himself with YES men which culminated in episodes 1, 2 and 3. He's a horrible horrible director for actors. I've never seen Samuel L. Jackson, Liam Nieson, Natalie Portman or Ewan McGregor act so poorly. McGregor did, however, a fantastic job with episode 3 but the others are terrible. Both actors that played Anakin stink on ice. The only actor that really pulls it off and in a big way is Ian McDiarmid as Senator Palpatine/The Emperor. That guy amazingly pulls himself through some lame dialogue and makes something out of it.

Small children, I'm sure, love this movie. Jar Jar is one of the most idiotic characters in film history. Hell, Jim Varney with his vest and baseball cap running around going, "KnowhutImean, Vern" would have been a crapload more entertaining than that creature. That he was allowed to live lessens the credulity of the main characters.

Lucas has said recently that he's working on converting all six SW films to 3-D to release in theaters. I'm excited but then I'm afraid. I'm afraid for the person who sits in front of me when Jar Jar shows up and I start beating the living shit of him because he'll look so real. I'll go to jail knowing Lucas won't bail me out but I know that millions of Star Wars fans will come to my rescue in solidarity against this travesty to cinema.

The following sums up how I feel:



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Part 6: