Vampyres (1974)

Dir: Jose Ramon Larraz

Starring: Marianne Morris, Anulka Dzibinska, Murray Brown, and lots of other people you've never heard of

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: They shared the pleasures of the flesh, and the horrors of the grave!

Plot: A lesbian vampire couple waylay and abduct various passers-by, both male and female, to hold them captive at their rural manor in the English countryside in order to kill and feed on them to satisfy their insatiable thirst for blood.

View trailer: IMDB



My Rating: 7
Would I watch it again? Giggidy Giggidy Giggidy Goo! (Yes)

#49 on Dusk to Dawn Drive-In Trash-o-Rama Show Vol. 1 (part of the TRAILER TRASH PROJECT)

Did you read the plot? Let me ask you again. Did you read the plot? How bad can this be? It's not and that's a real shocker, I know. I really dug this flick. The acting was good, the pacing was great considering a film like this can easily drag on forever. The nudity was tasteful. Bwahahahahahahaha. Get it? Tasteful? It's a vampire movie. Hahahaha. But seriously, these vampire broads were smokin'. What could be better than that? They get off'd in the first minute of the movie while doing naughty things in bed! When a movie starts off like that you know you're in for a treat.


I know what you're thinking. But, DAMN, did you read the plot? Sex and vampires go together so well and this movie's got it in spades. There's more than enough kills to satisfy my taste and the sex isn't gratuitous - it's nicely done. The ending was great but a little vague. I had to watch the last minutes with the commentary on to see if I was on the right track. I wasn't but now I know. Those Europeans and their cryptic endings. Geez. It can be a little slow but it's very satisfying.

I've got the Blue Underground DVD release of this film and it's outstanding. Lots of extras including a commentary track with the director and producer, interview with the two female leads AND THEY STILL LOOK HOT after more than 30 years (!), and trailers et al.

Still not convinced that you NEED to see this movie? Did you read the plot?

The Host (2006)

Dir: Joon-ho Bong

Starring: Koreans, South Koreans that is

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: It is Lurking Behind You

Plot: A monster emerges from Seoul's Han River and focuses its attention on attacking people.







My Rating: 6
Would I watch it again? No



What's that? A South Korean monster flick? I'm on it. Well, I was at first. The set-up is good and it doesn't take too too long before the monster shows up. AND WHAT A MONSTER!!! This guy is amazing. The filmmakers did a fantastic job in creating something that feels new and fresh. It's killing people and fast! Huge body count. Nice. What's not to like?



Most of the time the monster isn't on screen, that's what. It's just that the scenes with the monster are sooooooo friggin' cool that the actor's are just filler (and lunch) whenever the monster's not there. I'm cool with that to a degree. It's necessary but the movie clocks one minute shy of 2 hours! That's my biggest issue and the reason I can't give it a better score. I watched it with friends and we were all diggin' it but quickly got figgity after 15 minutes of "no monster" and way too much talking with little movement.



It's fun. I liked it but there were two or three spots where it felt like a chore to sit through. Add a few more shots of the monster in action and lose about 20-30 minutes of the character development and you've got a solid horror movie that I'd watch again and again. Movin' on...

Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer (2007)

Dir: Tim Story

Starring: Ioan Gruffudd, Jessica Alba, Chris Evans, Michael Chiklis, Laurence "I'm Better Than This but at Least It's Just My Voice" Fishburne

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: Rise

Plot: The Fantastic Four learn that they aren't the only super-powered beings in the universe when they square off against the powerful Silver Surfer and the planet-eating Galactus.





My Rating: 3 (for Chiklis, the SPFX and the fact that I missed the couch when I vomited)
Would I watch it again? Oh, HELL NO.

SPOILERS...
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THIS MOVIE IS SHIT!
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End of Spoilers.

I am so not spending much time on this one. The lame story, the horrible acting, paper thin characters, great effects...it's all here.

Michael Chiklis kicks ass and and should have kicked the asses of the filmmakers and the stars to only leave himself working the camera and acting in front of it doing whatever the hell he wants because ANYTHING would have been better than this.

Oh this was so bad. Fifth-grade boys will like it but that's it. Bottom line: if you've hit puberty then you're too old to enjoy this piece of shit. When you root for the Earth to be destroyed and it doesn't happen fast enough, you know it's time to move on.

Doom (2005)

Dir: Andrzej Bartkowiak

Starring: The Rock and that ugly guy from the last two LORD OF THE RINGS movies

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: No one gets out alive.

Plot: Space Marines are sent to investigate strange events at a research facility on a distant planet but find themselves at the mercy of genetically enhanced killing machines.






My Rating: 6
Would I watch it again? Once was enough.

I liked it better when it was called ALIENS (1986) which is essentially what this is. The plot is set-up very quickly as the Space Marines leap into action to find out what's been going down on Mars where something's happened to the scientists. Next thing you know all hell is breaking loose and our boys and girls in uniform (ALL stereotypes and half of them are complete fuck-ups) are killin' and dyin'. That's really all you need. It's a movie based on a First Person Shooter video game of the same name that, as far as I know, has no plot except to kill to stay alive.

I'm a HUGE fan of the Doom series although I'm not too familiar with Doom III, which this is based on. So, if I get a movie based on this I just want to see a shit-load of killing monsters in dimly-lit corridors and stuff jumping out and scaring the bejesus out me. Unfortunately that didn't happen. Well, it did but not to the sort of satisfaction I would have liked. There was very little in the way of monsters that you'd find in the game. This one is one of the VERY few exceptions:


Towards the tail end of the movie there's a sequence that comes out of nowhere and it is BADASS. Suddenly our hero is seen from the first person perspective which is just like the game, down to the movements and action/reactions. It's only about 2-3 minutes but it's badass.

It's not a very good movie with all of the stereotypical shit that you'd expect but then it's not a bad movie either. There's some cool shit goin' down and that FPS shot in the end is just great. Now that I've seen I don't think I'll ever have to revisit it and I'm OK with that.

The Spiral Staircase (1945)

Dir: Robert Siodmak

Starring: Dorothy McGuire, George Brent, Ethel Barrymore & Kent Smith

More Info: IMDB







Plot: Beautiful young mute Helen is a domestic worker for old ailing Mrs. Warren. Mrs. Warren's two sons, Albert (a professor) and womanizing impudent Steven, also live in the Warren mansion. Mrs. Warren becomes concerned for Helen's safety when a rash of murders involving 'women with afflictions' hits the neighborhood. She implores her physician, Dr. Parry, to take Helen away for her own safety. When another murder occurs inside the Warren mansion, it becomes obvious that Helen is in danger.

My Rating: 6
Would I watch it again? Nah



I was expecting more of an old-time horror movie but it turned out to be more of a murder-mystery. It's not that bad but it ain't that great, either. It's got a lot of what are now cliches. The mute girl speaks for the first time at the end when she screams in terror, keep guessing who the killer is or isn't, the dying old lady who can't move anything but her mouth and she ends up shooting the killer at the end, and so on and so on. The clip from above is one of the creepiest moments in the film.



Because it's an older film and it's a murder-mystery loaded with cliches, it's harder to take seriously. Now, I LOVE old movies. I've got hundreds of films dating before 1950. I'm at home with a 70-year-old movie as I am with one I just saw in the theater last week. With this one it was a bit too lighthearted and the only real fun I had, besides watching some great acting from the character actors (Elsa Lanchester (the Bride in THE BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN) and Rhys Williams in particular) was trying to figure out who the killer is and the plot gives you reason to believe just about everyone.

All the Colors of the Dark (1972)

Dir: Sergio Martino

Starring:George Hilton, Edwige Fenech, Ivan Rassimov

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: They exist. They bear the mark of the devil inside them. They may be your neighbors. They may be your wife, husband, sweetheart. They may even be your children. Their time has come.

Plot: A woman recovering from a car accident in which she lost her unborn child finds herself pursued by a coven of devil worshipers.

My Rating: 5
Would I watch it again? Nope. I'll rather watch the original.



The Italians sure know a good thing when they see it - especially in the theater. This is one of, I'm sure, many ROSEMARY'S BABY (1968) clones that came out in the years following its release. RB kicks ass this one just sits there eating all day, playing video games and occasionally getting up to move. It's the first time, I think, I've seen the beautiful Edwige Fenech (as Jane) in anything. She gets naked - A LOT! That accounts for most of the 5 stars I'm giving it. She's got "crazy nipples" and it's awesome. You'll see...or not.



After a WTF opening credit sequence filled with nutso images in a black room and a travelling bed get ready to sit back and wait...and wait...and wait. Going in I didn't know it was a RB clone. I didn't see it as that until about a third of the way through when you get to meet "the gang" of Satan worshipers. Jane gets mixed up with them and the next thing you know, she's bangin' this guy...






How's that for meet-and-greet? Then a few others, that aren't NEARLY as interesting as this guy, join in and why not? Strange things happen to Jane and it becomes obvious that Satan's kids aren't going to let her escape. Is Richard, her husband, in on it? SPOILERS...no...END OF SPOILERS. That, besides Fenech's beauty, was something I was pleasantly surprised by. Throughout most of the film, because it reminded me so much of RB, I just wanted to shut it off and watch RB. That's not something you want your movie to do. But then again, it's better that it reminded me of a classic movie than that white dog turd I found while walking through the park last week.

The Brides of Dracula (1960)

Dir: Terence Fisher

Starring: Peter Cushing, Yvonne Monlaur, David Peel

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: He Turned Innocent Beauty Into Unspeakable Horror.

Plot: Vampire hunter Van Helsing returns to Transylvania to destroy handsome bloodsucker Baron Meinster, who has designs on beautiful young schoolteacher Marianne.

My Rating: 5/10

Would I watch it again? No. I'd rather see any of the other Hammer Dracula pictures first.

#9 on Hammer Horror (1957-1976)

This is the "sequel" of sorts of Terence Fisher's classic HORROR OF DRACULA (1958) with Christopher Lee as the Count. Either Lee didn't want to do another Dracula picture (but he sure came back for 5 or 6 more as the 60's came to a close) or they couldn't figure out how to bring Dracula back since they killed his ass in the first one (but they sure figured it out for a whole shitload of Drac pics over the next 14 years!). This one REALLY needs Lee. Peel does a fine job but Lee had that look and charisma that was so engaging in the Drac pics he did.

The story starts off slow and I REALLY started to get bored with the doe-eyed Mariaane (Monlaur) hoping she would get killed or take us to the vampire castle where somebody else gets killed. Fortunately this old battle-axe of a broad, Baroness Meinster (Martita Hunt, looking like Alec Guinness in drag), takes her to her castle. Great. Now we get to see someboby get whacked, right? Wrong. This train's headin' for snoozeville and my ticket says I've got to stay to the end. The Battle-Axe's son, the Baron (Peel), is set free by Marianne and FINALLY someone gets it BUT IT'S OFF CAMERA and it's talked about after-the-fact!!! WTF?



It's at this point Peter Cushing (Van Helsing) shows up to save the day but even his superb performance can't save this picture. The only thing I really dug about this, besides Cushing, was the Count's death (by Van Helsing) although it was kind of weak (The Count has fallen off a windmill and Van Helsing lunges to the dormant windmill and turns it to look like a cross, the shadow of which is cast onto the Count who then dies).

As always the look and feel of the Hammer horror movies is top-notch Gothic goodness but it's the way-too-slow pacing and lack of action that killed it for me. Composer James Bernard must've been too busy to score this one (too bad as his scores often elevated his pictures) 'cause they got Malcolm Williamson instead. He does an OK job but he's not Bernard.

Last year I watched most of the Hammer Dracula flicks but they're all just a jumbled conglomerate in my mush-head brain. I'm looking forward to the third Hammer vampire flick, THE KISS OF THE VAMPIRE (1963) as I recall this one's pretty good, although neither Lee nor Cushing are in it.

Here's the list of the Hammer Dracula films:

Horror of Dracula (1958)
The Brides of Dracula (1960)
Dracula: Prince of Darkness (1966)
Dracula Has Risen from the Grave (1968)
Taste the Blood of Dracula (1969)
Scars of Dracula (1970)
Dracula AD 1972 (1972)
The Satanic Rites of Dracula (1973)
The Legend of the 7 Golden Vampires (1974)