The Secret of the Loch (1934)

Director:  Milton Rosmer

Writers: Charles Bennett, Billie Bristow

Composer:  Peter Mendoza

Starring:  Seymour Hicks, Nancy O'Neil, Gibson Gowland, Frederick Peisley, Eric Hales, Ben Field, Hubert Harben, Rosamund John, Robb Wilton, Fewlass Llewellyn

More info:  IMDb

Plot:  A batty Scottish professor attempts to prove the existence of the Loch Ness Monster, but everyone thinks he's crazy. Meanwhile, a foolish young reporter attempts to get a scoop on the story.

My rating:   5.5/10

Will I watch it again?   No.

At 71 minutes long, this flick moves fast and that's evident in the first few minutes when there's a meeting of science-types poo-pooing Professor Heggie's (Hicks) claims that the Loch Ness Monster is real.  It quickly establishes that everyone thinks he's batshit crazy and it throws in some silly humor to let you know what kind of picture this is.  They don't tamp the brakes just yet because an unnaturally energetic young London reporter, Jimmy (Peisley), is freaking the fuck out because he's going to Scotland for the big scoop.  When he arrives he meets Professor Heggie's granddaughter, Angela (Gowland) by climbing into her bedroom window (instead of granddad) by mistake, whereupon he falls in love with her.  Hours later he's ready to marry her.  Ah, love...

Gimme some sugar, Baby!

He soon loses his job for no reason at all except to move the plot along faster.  Now the only way he can keep his job is to prove the professor is right.  If he can find the monster, he'll get to keep his job AND Angela agreed to marry him on that one condition.  Jesus, folks, this is right out of real life, huh?!  Of course it ends happily and the monster is a gila monster in slow motion made to look like it's underwater.   Did you expect more?  They had a budget to consider.  This silly little comedy has a few mild laughs but the pacing makes it go by painlessly enough.  There's not much of value here so it's OK to skip it.  I'm sure you can find this on YouTube or elsewhere free to watch.  There is one thing to note and that's that David "Mutha Fuckin' Lawrence of Arabia" Lean edited this picture!!!  Put that in your haggis pipe and smoke it!  Can you tell it's him?  Nope.  But it's an interesting piece of trivia nonetheless.

 

Beyond Atlantis (1973)

Director:  Eddie Romero

Writers:  Charles Eric Johnson, Stephanie Rothman

Composer:  Ed. Norton

Starring:  Patrick Wayne, John Ashley, Leigh Christian, Sid Haig, Lenore Stevens, George Nader, Vic Diaz, Andres Centenera, Eddie Garcia, Kenneth J. Warren, Gil Arceo, Kim Ramos, Angelo Ventura

More info:  IMDb

Tagline:  Forgotten by nature... invaded by modern man... half human... half fish!

Plot:  A band of adventurers invade a native island determined to grab a reported fortune in buried treasure. The islanders are just as determined to keep their sacred treasure. Complications ensue.

My rating:   5.5/10

Will I watch it again?   No.

It didn't take too long into this to realize I'd seen this before but it seemed to have promise plus, with Sid Haig and Vic Diaz, I couldn't say no.  As the picture wore on I started to remember more and more until it was too late; the movie was over.  This wouldn't have been that bad of a movie to see in the drive-in back in the day but it would've been better if there had been a little nudity and some bloody action.  The IMDb trivia says that star Patrick Wayne (son of The Duke) said the only way he'd sign on is if it were PG and without nudity, something the family could enjoy.  I think we'd have been better off with someone else in the lead if that's the sacrifice.  There were dozens of actors who could've easily filled that role.  Sid Haig plays a scoundrel pimp, East Eddie.  He's an asshole to just about everyone that is until he's assembled his team.  Once they're all on the island looking for the valuable pearls, he's a straight up nice guy.  His complete tonal shift can be justified by a man who's operating a business deal and does what's needed to get the job done but it is a striking, quick change in character.  I really dug the score but it's wildly different enough in places that I wonder if all of it was written specifically for this picture.  It does have some nice moments.  The story is easy to get through with few, if any, surprises.  I must say the ending was dumb and a cheap way of getting out of one last action sequence.  With a few exploitation touches, this could've been a fun night at the movies but with it being as tame as it is, it's a mild time-waster on a lazy afternoon.

House on Bare Mountain (1962)

Directors:  Lee Frost, Wes Bishop

Writer:  Denver Scott

Composer:  Pierre Martel

Starring:  Bob Cresse, Laine Carlin, Leticia Cooper, Laura Eden, Connie Hudson, Dan Hyland, William Kirk, Ingrid Lind, Virginia Mark, Ann Perry, Angela Webster, Warren Ames, Jeffrey Smithers, William Engesser

More info:  IMDb

Tagline:  See Frankenstein do the twist with Miss Hollywood!

Plot:  Granny Good runs a school for girls.  What they don't know is Granny has a 7'2" wolfman in the basement working her illegal still and the cops have planted one of their beautiful, busty officers in her school to find out more.



My rating:   5/10

Will I watch it again?   No.

Nudie Cuties are good for one thing only and that's for showing lots of naked women.  They're known for also being unfunny and badly acted.  Knowing these things going in helps a lot.  If you set your expectations in the basement, there's no where to go but up, right?  This one actually made me laugh out loud a little.  That's something positive to say.  And then I was struck by the quality of "acting" from the girls.  The guys are terrible but the girls do a great job.  Usually everyone in these kinds of pictures is pretty bad but there seemed to be more talent in these gals than what rests on their chests.  Talk about a refreshing change and I loved it for that!

At Grannie's school, we get to see the girls study...

Exercise - jumping rope is a favorite!

They study the arts!

And we get to study them studying the arts!  There's a lot of talent on display!!!

All of the gals are getting ready for the annual costume party and this young lady didn't spend much time on hers.

Granny scolded her for wearing so little so she returned fully costumed.

I know what you're thinkin', pal.

The jig is up, Granny!

She just finished memorizing the dictionary she started at the beginning of the movie.

The story is as simple and dumb as it needs to be and there are exactly the number of bare boobs there needs to be as well.   Trust me, I counted each and every one.  Despite this being only 62 minutes long, there is A TON of padding, mostly during the party scene where there's lots and lots of dancing footage.  That kind of thing is usually dull but it's mildly entertaining here because of the goofiness of it all and, uh, more boobs.  The monsters on the poster don't really figure into it except for Granny's 7'2" tall werewolf slaving away at the still.  He growls every once in a while and Granny interprets this to let us know he's complaining about getting .13 an hour and he wants to unionize.  It gets an earned laugh at the end when Granny thinks it's the law that shows up (which they do but that's another part of the story) when it turns out it's a union official investigating claims of poor working conditions.

Of particular note (mostly to me) is this is Lee Frost's second directorial gig.  His first, SURTIDE 77 (1962), is my favorite movie of his (so far).  It's hilarious and worth checking out.   It's also got Bob Cresse playing this same granny character, easily ripping off Jonathan Winters' similar character.  However, he is pretty good at it and manages to get a few laughs.

The River's Edge (1957)

Director:  Allan Dwan

Writers:  Harold Jacob Smith, James Leicester

Composer:  Louis Forbes

Starring:  Ray Milland, Anthony Quinn, Debra Paget, Harry Carey Jr., Chubby Johnson, Byron Foulger, Tom McKee, Frank Gerstle, Lee Morgan, and LOTS of fake rocks

More info:  IMDb

Tagline:  It was kill ... or be killed ... all the way down to The River's Edge.

Plot:  A murderous thief on the run with stolen loot forces a poor rancher to guide him across the desert into Mexico. Accompanying them is the rancher's wife, who happens to be the killer's former girlfriend.

My rating:   5.5/10

Will I watch it again?  No. 

I'm down with the cast.  They're all good actors and great movie stars, especially Milland.  I've never seen a bad performance from him regardless of the movie's budget or quality.  He always shows up to win.  Quinn can be stale but he's generally a solid actor.  I'm not familiar much with Paget as I've barely seen anything of hers.  She was in SEVEN ANGRY MEN (1955) so she must be good if she could pull off playing a pissed of white guy.  I don't know what the fuck her character (Margaret) was thinking wearing heels on a desert ranch.

Milland (Nardo) can be charming but once he crosses the line of killing a cop (great scene, by the way - it's brutal), His likability factor drops until he's just weak and lot someone you want around anymore.  Quinn (Ben) does fine as the somewhat soft but tough husband to Margaret and becomes stronger as the picture nears to an end.  But he also gets sappier and sappier when it comes to his fragile relationship with his wife.  Oh, boy, do they pour the sugar on where you get that style of romantic crap where the two are talking madly in love while embracing and not looking each other in the eyes.  Yuck.

I know what you're saying.  "Hey, Scorethefilm, what about the fake rocks?  How'd they do?"  As obviously fake rocks go, they did a splendid job.  And I say, good for them for getting work.  This movie is to them as THE WIZARD OF OZ (1939) was to little people - they hired A LOT of 'em!

I'm sure they re-used them at different angles and with magical lighting, but still.  They get a lot of screen time.  Good for them.  Fake rocks are a thing of the past now that computers do all the heavy lifting.  Ahahahahahahahahaha!  But seriously, there are a lot of fucking fake rocks in this movie.  

With Margaret getting syrupy sugar sweet with both of the men, there are no surprises in this picture.  You can probably figure out how this plays out because you've seen a gazillion of these pictures to just plain know.  You don't have to be a detective with a comically funny pipe to solve this case.  It's middle of the road entertainment and some bottom of the barrel-scraping by the three leads.  They all deserve better.  It's simply OK.  It's not good nor is it bad.  But those rocks acted their fucking pebbles off!

 

 

Salome (1953)

Director: William Dieterle

Writers: Harry Kleiner, Jesse Lasky Jr.

Composer: George Duning

Starring: Rita Hayworth, Stewart Granger, Charles Laughton, Judith Anderson, Cedric Hardwicke, Basil Sydney, Maurice Schwartz, Arnold Moss, Alan Badel

More info: IMDb

Plot: After her banishment from Rome, Jewish Princess Salome returns to her Roman-ruled native land of Galilee, where prophet John the Baptist preaches against Salome's parents, King Herod and Queen Herodias.

My rating:  5.5/10

Will I watch it again?  Nope.

Watching these cheesy religious epics is a mixed bag.  On one hand, you've got the beautiful costumes, lavish set dressing, big musical score and usually with a large cast loaded with big time Hollywood stars.  On the other hand, they're loaded with religious propaganda that'll make your eyes roll right out of sockets.  This non-believer watches them for the Ancient Roman spectacle and the cast and this one's at least got a decent cast.  I'll watch anything Charles Laughton did and this qualifies.  And I've been a fan of Stewart Granger since seeing him in SCARAMOUCHE (1952), one of my all time favorites.  I've seen very little of Rita Hayworth's catalog but I like what I've seen.  This flick is OK at best but it suffers from the hit-you-on-the-head propaganda that these pictures are loaded with.  What's more, nearly the entire film is shot on indoor sets.  That gets old and quick.  They're nice sets and well-lit and decorated but they're sets nonetheless and it's obvious that almost whenever they're supposed to be outdoors, they're on a soundstage; fake rocks abound!  Over-the-top melodrama abound!

Charles Laughton is mentally eye-fucking a woman, his step-daughter no less!  

Now THAT'S acting!

Give this mall all the awards!

 

I wasn't into it much until the final act when Princess Salome's (Hayworth) mother (Queen Herodias played by Judith Anderson) offers her up to  King Herod (with Charles Laughton having a good time hamming it up)!  Herodias wants John the Baptist dead for slandering her name so she convinces Salome to dance at Herod's birthday party.  It's already been established that Herod has the hots for Salome but he doesn't want John harmed.  Once Salome's dance begins, Herodias tells Herod he can have her for the price of John's head.  Herod wants a piece of that pie and quickly motions to make it happen.  FUCKING NICE!!!!!  This got dark pretty fucking fast, but then there's only a few scant minutes left and of course they have to throw in some Jesus-y bits to close out the film.  Does Herod get his pie and eat it, too?  Nope.  So, I guess you could say it ends on a down note.

I'm listening...

And one more thing, this is the movie debut of Alan Badel, playing John the Baptist.  He must come from the bug eyes school of acting...

...because he does that thing for most of his screen time.  But the payoff in the end is great!

 

 

Sorry about that bug eyes thing.