The Sandpiper (1965)

Director:  Vincente Minnelli

Writers: Martin Ransohoff, Irene Kamp, Louis Kamp, Dalton Trumbo, Michael Wilson

Composer:  Johnny Mandel

Starring:  Elizabeth Taylor, Richard Burton, Eva Marie Saint, Charles Bronson, Robert Webber, James Edwards, Torin Thatcher, Tom Drake, Douglas Henderson, Morgan Mason

More info:  IMDb

Tagline:  It was the right thing. It was the wrong thing. It was the only thing their hearts would allow.

Plot:  A free-spirited single mother forms a connection with the wedded headmaster of an Episcopalian boarding school in Monterey, California.

My rating:   6/10

Will I watch it again?   No.

#39 on Project: Badass Charles Bronson

BRONSON'S AGE: 44
LEVEL OF BADASSICITY (10 being the highest): 9.  He.Creates.Women!

Watch the trailer.  It's dreadfully dull and screams, "DON'T WATCH THIS!".  Now, the movie isn't nearly as bad as the trailer makes out.  It's no all that good but it is watchable and there are some things worth watching for.  Taylor is great.  She pulls some much needed life out out of that script.  The cast does a fine job.  Burton...well, he's Richard Burton which means he's brooding, dramatic and a party pooper that doesn't smile (at least I don't recall him once smiling).  You don't watch movies like this to be surprised.  You know Edward (Burton) is going to fall for Laura (Taylor) against his better judgement and you know where that's going to lead and it 'tisn't going to end well.  Despite Burton playing the character as he does, he is commanding.  That man can recite shit dialogue better than most and I'll always buy a ticket, front row seat watching him do it. 

Then there's the rest of the cast.  Eva Marie Saint's role as Claire, Edward's wife, is about what you'd expect from a character that's just there for the eventual conflict when it blows up on the screen.  Robert Webber, as Edward's friend and donation machine to the church school, Ward, is great.  I've always dug this guy's work and he goes from charming to rapist asshole at the drop of a hat.  I really dug his character's role in the big scheme of things.  His was one of the more interesting roles.  And then there's Charles Bronson!

When we first meet him, he's working on a nude wooden sculpture of Elizabeth Taylor.  Why?  Because of course he is, that's why.  He's got the maker's touch.  He can literally make women out of shit you can find lying around the beach.  Hell, he could probably do it anywhere with any material.  He's just that good!  If that's not enough, he goes toe to toe with Edward, a mouthpiece for God, and stands his own!  Take that Jesus, you glorified birthday party magician!

Here he is with more of his creations.

I know what you're saying, "Hey, why does Charles Bronson need to make women when there are billions of them on this planet alone?"  Yeah, I thought you'd say something like that.  Well, you see, it's because THAT'S NOT ENOUGH WOMEN; he needs to make more to satisfy his gargantuan lust!  And what's wrong with having them look like Liz Fucking Taylor?  Fuck me sideways, that woman was a piece of work.  What a talent!

I mentioned that the movie is predictable.  On an early meeting between Edward and Laura, she gets him to help her mend a broken wing on a young sandpiper (bird).  Right then and there you know exactly where this is going and it goes exactly there.  You see, the wounded bird represents her son which she is having to let slowly leave the comfortable nest she's made for them, and by the end of the movie she'll have to accept that he's movie on, just as the bird is ready to move on and be with other birds.  They come back to the bird a few times before the end and each time it's like getting hit on the head with the foreshadowing hammer.  It gets even worse and more ham-fisted when Edward even spells it out in dialogue near the end.  Now, I have no doubt that this included in the novel the film is based on and I get that this was now 56 years ago but for the love of Pete, this surely had to be just as obvious to audiences then almost as it is now.  OMFG it was so painful to go through.  For the most part, this was a good movie, but shit like that really takes it down a peg or two.  This is a soft recommend as there's just enough in it to be entertained but there are speed bumps along the way that will slow you down, and running over that sandpiper isn't one of them.