Count Dracula's Great Love (1974)

Director: Javier Aguirre

Starring: Paul Naschy, Rosanna Yanni, Haydee Politoff, Mirta Miller, Ingrid Garbo

More info: IMDb

Tagline: Crazed Women Desperate For Satisfaction.

Plot: Four women spend the night in an old deserted sanitarium on a mountain. They each in turn fall into the the evil hands of a doctor who forces them to suck each others blood and to whip innocent village virgins so they can lick the oozing cuts clean.

My rating: 5.5/10

Will I watch it again? NOOOOOO!

The print I have is beat up but at least it's widescreen. I don't mind the scratches and pops if it is presented as filmed and I welcome it if it's 70s EuroHorror. The opening with the two guys delivering the casket was nice which ended with their deaths, the second one falling down a long stairwell. That is, until the credits started rolling and you got to watch his fall at least 7 times in different speeds of slow motion. That's right, over and over and over, slower and slower.

Gee, I hope these lovely ladies get naked. I'm getting sleepy.

After that it's all uphill. Paul Naschy doesn't make much of a convincing count. It's not his short stature. He just doesn't have a commanding presence that Count Dracula would have. For the next hour and whatever you get everyone seducing everyone, lots of nudity, neck biting, drinking of blood, becoming vampires and shit until...


BRAM STOKER'S SPOILERS!!!

Distraught that the woman, a virgin, he was going to use for the blood ceremony to revive his long-dead daughter, Dracula takes his her casket-filled remains and dumps them in the river because the young lady didn't want to spend eternity as a vampire and she wasn't in love with him (a prerequisite to qualifying for the sacrifice). Dracula takes a wooden stake and forces it into his heart!!! Dracula commits suicide! WOW! That just earned an extra point. Have you ever seen a movie where D offs himself? Let me know if you have. This is a first for me. He didn't even leave a note, the sorry sack of shit.

END OF SPOILERS. YARRRRRR!

YES!!!!!!!!!

The dubbing is pretty bad but that kind of adds to the charm. Overall, it's a slow go but not so slow that I didn't enjoy little bits and pieces here and there and wished I had some help watching it. It has a nice look and there's enough eye candy in the mix to make it watchable but that's about it. I'll never forget the batshit insanely awesome climax that I almost slept through. That was something else.

The Crimson Pirate (1952)

Director: Robert Siodmak

Starring: Burt Lancaster, Nick Cravat, Eva Bartok, Torin Thatcher, James Hayter, Leslie Bradley, Christopher Lee

More info: IMDb

Tagline: Ask me no questions: believe only what you see!

Plot: Burt Lancaster stars in this comedy set on the high seas in the 1700s. A sea captain (Lancaster) has a fine racket going: His crew pretends to be stricken with scurvy so they can take over other royal vessels. But how long can he continue his streak? Get your fill of naval battles and swordplay in this campy tribute to the classic swashbuckling films of Errol Flynn and Douglas Fairbanks Sr.

My rating: 6/10

Will I watch it again? Nah.

Ugh. I didn't know this was a comedy. It's essentially a harmless family pirate movie that showcases the obviously athletic, acrobatic and likable Burt Lancaster and his good friend Nick Cravat. It's really not a bad film if you like silly and over the top. I don't mind it but not here. There's a scientist (go science!) that makes nitroglycerin, flame throwers, Gatling guns, a hot air balloon and a submarine to help Lancaster & co. defeat the evil British at the end. None of these things existed until the late 1800s except for the flame thrower (which dates back to 919) and the hot air balloon (dating to the late 1780s). I know, I know; so what, right? It's all fantasy land shit and I just wasn't in the mood last night.

The biggest set of choppers in Hollywood!

Guess who?

Christopher Lee (R) kicked ass and was the one aspect of the picture that was serious!

Lancaster and Cravat were spectacular with their stunts and acrobatics. They were also silly. The kind of silly 4 year olds like. But while Lancaster was quite good, he was also somewhat hammy and too care free. I couldn't help but think that if Errol Flynn did this it'd be a different and more enjoyable film. See, Flynn effortlessly pulled off dashing and aloof without being silly. When he did it, it was stylish and carefree. I don't know. THE CRIMSON PIRATE is a fun romp but not one I'll care to watch again. I like my pirates to do more than just cause mischief and create trouble for the opposition. I like my pirates to be...you know...pirates not circus performers.

The Golden Voyage of Sinbad (1973)

Director: Gordon Hessler

Starring: John Phillip Law, Caroline Munro, Tom Baker, Douglas Wilmer, Martin Shaw

More info: IMDb

Tagline: Sinbad battles the creatures of legend in the miracle of Dynarama!

Plot: Sinbad and his crew intercept a homunculus carrying a golden tablet. Koura, the creator of the homunculus and practitioner of evil magic, wants the tablet back and pursues Sinbad. Meanwhile Sinbad meets the Vizier who has another part of the interlocking golden map, and they mount a quest across the seas to solve the riddle of the map, accompanied by a slave girl with a mysterious tattoo of an eye on her palm. They encounter strange beasts, tempests, and the dark interference of Koura along the way.

My rating: 8/10

Will I watch it again? and again, and again, and again...

#22 from SWORD & SANDAL TRAILERS VOL. 1. (part of the TRAILER TRASH PROJECT)

There's no way you could top THE 7th VOYAGE OF SINBAD (1958) (a solid 10/10 in my book - the epitome of adventure) but that doesn't stop Hessler, Harryhausen and company from trying.

John Philip Law does a great job playing the hero...

as does Tom "DOCTOR WHO" Baker playing the villain...

and Caroline Munro's boobs playing themselves!



Oh, BOY, this is fun! It seems like Harryhausen wasn't content at just doing really great effects; with each film you can see that he's trying to raise the bar and create more elaborate scenes with more realistic creatures. In this picture you get...

Exotic locales!


See a wooden ship front statue thingy come to life!



See Sinbad fight the 6-armed goddess, Kali! (MAJOR BADASS MOMENT!)




See a minotaur fight a griffin!



This shit's just amazing. It's funny 'cause just the other day when I wrote about one of his films, THE VALLEY OF GWANGI (1969), I was thinking out loud how amazing it would be if Ray Harryhausen ever made a scene with stop motion titties. Well...


That's a start.

This picture's a blast from start to finish. THIS is how you make adventure flicks. The Harryhausen Sinbad movies are great fun. Not only that, you get amazing scores. THE 7th VOYAGE OF SINBAD had my favorite, Bernard Herrmann, and this one's got a real beaut of a soundtrack by the legendary Miklos Rozsa. It's been a gazillion years since I last saw this and I dare not let that many go by again. I'm looking forward to revisiting SINBAD AND THE EYE OF THE TIGER (1977) very, very soon.

Stingray (1978)

Director: Richard Taylor

Starring: Christopher Mitchum, Les Lannon, William Watson, Cliff Emmich, Bert Hinchman, Sherry Jackson

More info: IMDb

Tagline: Stingray... it burns up the screen!

Plot: Lonigan and his partner Tony, two drug dealers, shoot two cops who attempt to set them up, and run away with a million bucks and the drugs, which they stash in a red Corvette Stingray in a used car lot. When they attempt to recover their stash with their leader, Abigail, they find out that two happy-go-lucky dudes, Elmo and Al, have bought the car. They quickly pursue the two along with the police who think that the car's new owners are the criminals.



My rating: 3/10

Will I watch it again? Oh, stop it!

#8 on 42nd Street Forever Vol. 2: The Deuce (part of the TRAILER TRASH PROJECT)

I still contend that the 70s was the finest decade for movies. This picture makes that argument a little tougher but there it is. Ooh this is bad. It's yet another car chase movie with dumb-ass cops, dumb-ass criminals and cornball hapless heroes. I've never seen Chris Mitchum more animated. He's actually in motion for a change. The jokes aren't funny, the action is mediocre to weak and the music is just awful. Shitified country car chase music and slide whistles.


The ONLY thing that makes this picture worthwhile (and I'm not saying anyone should watch this) is Sherry Jackson as the main baddie, Abigail Bratowski. She's a badass and kills a lot of people without a care in the world. She was great, this picture was not.

The Great Train Robbery (1979)

Director: Michael Crichton

Starring: Sean Connery, Donald Sutherland, Lesley-Anne Down, Alan Webb, Malcolm Terris, Robert Lang

More info: IMDb

Tagline: Never have so few taken so much from so many.

Plot: In 1855, Edward Pierce plans to do something that has never been done - rob a moving train. His target is the monthly shipment of gold destined to the Crimea for British soldiers who are there fighting the Russians. The £25,000 in gold is stored in two locked Chubb safes that requires four separate keys to be opened. One key is held by the President of the bank; the second by its senior manager; and the two remaining keys by the station master. Along with his accomplices, Agar and Miriam, he sets about acquiring each of them. Once in hand, they must now find a way to break into the luggage compartment where the safes are located, off-load the gold and then go about their merry way without being caught. It doesn't quite go as planned but a good thief always have a back-up plan.

My rating: 8.5/10

Will I watch it again? With pleasure.

Sean Connery is the man. He's so roguish it's fun. Here he's having a blast and we're along for the ride. Everyone else is great, too, but this is Connery's show. The first third of the picture is brisk, witty and hilarious. If you're in at this point you're in for the duration. Jerry Goldsmith's score is absolutely delightful, refreshing and has all the energy of a speeding train. Why don't they make scores like this anymore? They seemed to have died off with Goldsmith. Sigh.


Apparently the ending is completely different than Crichton's novel. I read the comparison and I prefer the film's ending. Sure, it simplifies things quite a bit but the movie is already nearly two hours long and adding another twenty to wrap it up would have gone too far. Anyway, I found myself laughing my ass off and forgetting how much fun this flick is. It's been twenty years since the last time and I'm not going to wait that long again.

Cowboys & Aliens (2011)

Director: Jon Favreau

Starring: Daniel Craig, Harrison Ford, Clancy Brown, Sam Rockwell, Olivia Wilde, Keith Carradine, Adam Beach, Paul Dano

More info: IMDb

Plot: Scott Mitchell Rosenberg's graphic novel series leaps to the screen as amnesiac gunslinger Jake Lonergan (Craig) stumbles into the Wild West town of Absolution, where he's confronted by potent enemy Col. Dolarhyde (Ford) and a terrifying problem: invading aliens. Aided by the lovely Ella (Wilde), Jake rallies a posse of the townspeople, Dolarhyde's minions and local Apache warriors to fight off the extraterrestrial threat.

My rating: 6.5/10

Will I watch it again? Nah. I think once was enough.

In the past 15 years, Harrison Ford has only made 13 movies. I've seen 5 and only K-19: THE WIDOWMAKER (2002) was the only one that was worth a spit...the rest were shit (or pretty damn close to it)...until now. It's good to see him try to do a good job for a change. It seems like he's been cashing paychecks for years. Ford doesn't knock it out of the park but he has moments that harken back to the Ford of the 80s (1980s, not his age) and then there are the other moments. He sometimes comes off as a grumpy old man but I'm not going to labor that. No, the thing that bugged me most was that he often forced the corners of his mouth down to show he was mad or mean when all he needs to do is squint a little and remind us that he's more man than most of us could ever dream of being. He's got a great face and he has been known to put in a really good performance so I don't know why he would do something so one dimensional. The scene where he explains to the boy where the knife came from is his finest moment here and my favorite of the picture.


But the movie's not all about Harrison Ford. Daniel Craig continues to get plenty of mileage doing is Bond badass routine (which is certainly A-OK with me) and the rest of the cast does fine, too (Dano is so convincing as an asshole to the point I'd like to slap him if I saw him walking on the same side of the street as me). It's always a pleasure to see Keith Carradine in a Western and great job there, Clancy Brown (probably my favorite performance of the lot.)


I LOVED the first half hour. The middle hour was fun but I tended to like the film when it was being a Western than a sci-fi flick. The last half hour was the big fight and I was squirming in my seat the entire time. It seemed too much and too long. It bothers me that there was a revenge angle on one of the aliens with Craig and there's a couple of jump scares which nearly always suck. It's especially bad when a sudden loud noise and visual don't get so much as a blink out of you. There are so few Western & genre (sci-fi/horror) mash up films out there that I really do appreciate ANY attempt but this one left me wondering where some of the fun disappeared to. It's definitely worth seeing but lower your expectations a little. This isn't the Harrison Ford movie we've been looking for...but it's pretty damn close.

Quigley Down Under (1990)

Director: Simon Wincer

Starring: Tom Selleck, Laura San Giacomo, Alan Rickman, Chris Haywood

More info: IMDb

Tagline: There's a price on his head. A girl on his mind. And a twinkle in his eye.

Plot: Sharpshooter Matt Quigley is hired from America by an Australian rancher so he can shoot aborigines at a distance. Quigley takes exception to this and leaves. The rancher tries to kill him for refusing, and Quigley escapes into the brush with a woman he rescued from some of the rancher's men, and are helped by aborigines. Quigley returns the help, before going on to destroy all his enemies.

My rating: 6/10

Will I watch it again? NOOOOOOO!

It's been 20 years since I saw this and I had fond memories of it, too. I must've been high or something because despite a very likable Tom Selleck, this picture has one MAJOR flaw and her name is Laura San Giacomo. She's horrible and brings this picture waaaaay down. It's bad enough that her character is poorly written and is completely unnecessary but must she overact so and be annoying as fuck in nearly every.single.scene? She reminded me of Susan George's grating performance in DIRTY MARY CRAZY LARRY (1974). Giacomo is so obnoxious that I'm turned off ever wanting to see her again.


If her character didn't exist and this was entirely between Selleck and Rickman & co., this would have been a far better and focused movie (and shorter, too - it's two hours long!!!). QUIGLEY's got some grisly scenes like when the Aborigines are herded over a cliff to their death. WOW! That was powerful. But then Giacomo shows up and goes into acting overdrive. The scenery is gorgeous and Basil Poledouris's score is fun. There is one scene, though, at the end that could have been better served without the score and left with just the sounds of the didgeridoos. THAT would have been nice. For as much as I love film music, there are times when no music is better. I'll blame the director for that decision.


So there you go. Cut the Crazy Cora character entirely, thereby shortening the picture by a good half hour, and there's a very good Western to be seen, only we'll never see it. Rickman is his bad guy best and Selleck is very cool and fits right into the genre. Too bad Crazy Cora showed up and ruined it.