Saturn 3 (1980)

Director: Stanley Donen

Starring: Kirk Douglas, Farrah Fawcett, Harvey Keitel

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: Some*thing* is wrong on Saturn 3.

Plot: Two lovers stationed at a remote base in the asteroid fields of Saturn are intruded upon by a retentive technocrat from Earth and his charge: a malevolent 8-ft robot.



My Rating: 4/10

Would I watch it again? Fuck no

Featured on Stephen Romano Presents Shock Festival (part of the TRAILER TRASH PROJECT)

Goddamn this movie is bad. I remember back in the early 80s, as a pubescent young boy, waiting up late at night to catch this on HBO to see one thing.

There. Now you've seen it. That's all she shows throughout the entire picture. You don't need to watch this movie. It's bad. So so bad.

What I like:

- The ship's interior design, with the exception of the stupid bright colored vent pipes, is excellent.
- I'm cool with Kirk's character being older.
- I dig the plot.
- Keitel's voice was dubbed. It was bizarre at first, knowing full-well what he sounds like as an actor, but I got used to it. It works if only for the fact that Keitel's natural accent would have ruined it. He sounded like an android here and it suited his cold character.


What I didn't like:

- Fawcett is not a good actress. They should've gone with someone whose talent extends beyond their sex organs.
- It's SLOW, SLOW, SLOW. You've only got 3 humans on a ship and a killer hot-to-trot robot. You've got to do something to keep the pace brisk once the shit hits the fan.
- Kirk didn't have to die. OOOPS! SPOILERS!!!

Avoid it. I wanted to like this film. I love a good sci-fi story but I hate it when the fuck it up in the execution. Go watch ALIEN instead and leave this clone to fade away.

Bond 11: Moonraker (1979)

Director: Lewis Gilbert

Starring: Roger Moore, Lois Chiles, Michael Lonsdale, Richard Kiel

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: Where all the other Bonds end . . . this one begins!

Plot: James Bond investigates the mid-air theft of a space shuttle and discovers a plot to commit global genocide.

My Rating: 9/10. That's right, 9/10.

Would I watch it again? Yes


I love this movie and it's mostly because of John Barry's most beautiful and lush Bond score ever. It sucks me in. Sure, the film's got some silliness in it, and, for the most part, I don't care for it. But the movie's a lot of fun and I enjoy the hell out of it. If you're one of the others that thinks it's one of the worst, then suck it.

I'm tellin' ya, the music just pulls me right into it and doesn't let go. I've said it before, I like every actor that's played Bond - A LOT. They all bring something to the character that I like. I may not like the films but I like the actors.

One of my favorite scenes in the movie has always been, since I was a kid when I saw it in the theater, the centrifuge trainer sequence. It feels real and his predicament feels real and you start to believe that maybe he might not make it. You know he will because it's in the first 20 minutes that it happens. Moore pulls out a very convincing performance here and it's very effective.


This movie doesn't fuck around. In the first 20 minutes Bond has met the villain and is almost killed. Now let's talk about Lonsdale. This guy is a beast. He's very soft-spoken but you can tell that he's very much in control, brilliant, and ruthless. After his initial meeting with Bond he tells his hired killer, Chang, "Look after Mr. Bond. See that some harm comes to him." Fucking badass.

His under-played performance is enhanced when, on the space station, he tells Jaws to remove Bond and Goodhead (giggidy). Jaws hesitates and Drax repeats the order, this time barking it very loudly and strongly like a vicious beast. Goddamn if it isn't a jarring scene that makes you feel on edge. Very nicely done.

The death of Drax's personal helicopter pilot is particularly effective. As she runs through the forest being chased by dogs, with moments of slow motion, John Barry's brooding score underplays the entire scene. It's ominous and tense but the notes move slowly. Damn, what a fine scene.

Ken Adam's sets are astonishing.


And the space station reveal is beautifully done.


I could go on and on. Even though there are a lot of plot points here that have been stolen from previous Bond pictures, it still comes down to entertainment and this, to me, defines Bond as entertainment. Now wait until I rip that piece of shit apart that is A VIEW TO A KILL (1985)

Scorethefilm will return with his thoughts to...

FOR YOUR EYES ONLY (1981)

Mark of the Devil (1970)

Director: Michael Armstrong

Starring: Herbert Lom, Udo Kier

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: Positively the most horrifying film ever made.

Plot: Austria - 1770. A time of superstition and religious persecution. Count Cumberland and his evil henchmen torture and kill innocent citizens accusing them of witchcraft.

You can begin watching the entire film here:



My Rating: 7/10

Would I watch it again? Are you kidding? Witch torture? Hell, yeah!

#102 on Drive-In Delirium Vol. 2 (part of the TRAILER TRASH PROJECT) 

I dig these 60s/early 70s period Euro horror films that deal with witchcraft and the devil and all the rest of that religious claptrap nonsense. This one took me by surprise. Here's the setup after the first 7 minutes:

(scrolling up the screen against a backdrop of fire-blazing branding irons)
"In Europe, between the 15th and 19th centuries, it is estimated nearly eight million people were convicted of heresy and executed by fanatical witch hunters, in order to save their souls.

Their deaths on the scaffold or the funeral pile was for them the release from agonizing torture which often lasted for years.

This motion picture shows three cases taken from authentic documents from the time when witch-hunting had reached its peak and can only give a slight idea of the cruelties of one of the blackest pages in the history of man."

This film is brutal. I was stunned to see such grisly torture scenes. In one scene, a woman insists a priest raped her so her torturers rip out her tongue, saying, "For those against our savior, no punishment is sufficient." FUCK ME SIDEWAYS!


And there's more. You get...

- Fingers in a vice (very nasty)
- A bare ass pushed down on nails
- A fire placed under a bare ass

Lom is great as the evil Witchfinder Lord Cumberland. He's got a great scene where he dismisses this handsome man named Albino:


Well, Albino doesn't take it lightly so he threatens Lom with, "I'll tell them you HATE women, you burn innocent people, you kill for money - you're impotent!" Lom's cool with everything until he says he's impotent. Then Lom grabs him by the throat, knocks him to the wall and a shield falls to the floor, wobbling loudly until Albino is strangled to death with the sound of his gasping muffled by the wobbling shield. When the shield's movement stops, Albino's struggle is over. Very nice.

"Just in time for Easter"

WITCHFINDER SPOILERS:

Udo Kier's character, who is a good guy but is disliked, mistakenly, by the townspeople, seems like he's going to make it through. After all, WE know he's a good guy and is doing what he can to put an end to this madness. Near the end, when the townspeople storm the castle, and just when someone arrives to save Udo, they behead him (Udo). WOW! It gets better. Lom (whom everybody hates) escapes.

END OF SPOILERS...YARRRRR!

What a bleak ending. I loved it. I just discovered there's a sequel. I'll have to seek that one out.

Bond 10: The Spy Who Loved Me (1977)

Director: Lewis Gilbert

Starring: Roger Moore, Barbara Bach, Curd Jurgens, Richard Kiel

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: Nobody does it better.

Plot: James Bond investigates the hijacking of British and Russian submarines carrying nuclear warheads with the help of a KGB agent whose lover he killed.



My Rating: 7/10

Would I watch it again? Sure

I believe that this is the first Bond picture my parents took me to see in the theater. I was 8 and believe you me, seeing those silhouetted lovelies flying across the screen did something to me. I ain't sayin' what. I was sold on Bond.


For the most part I liked this one but the music really cheeses me off. I LOVE the theme song. Great stuff. Beautiful tune. But it's Marvin Hamlisch's score that, while I like to listen to some cues away from the film, IN the film they irritate me. The disco beats have GOT to go. Bond doesn't need to be groovy. He's a badass. Fuck disco. Hell, he even throws in some music references trying to be clever like throwing in the LAWRENCE OF ARABIA theme when Bond and Amasova are hoofin' it across the desert. "Oh...Iiiiii get it. That's from that movie with the desert." Whatever.


I dig Jurgens turn as a bond villain but they just don't give him much to do that proves his badassicity. I needed more. He does get a great death scene. Richard Kiel as Jaws kicks major ass. I love that character. He's a cartoon but it was fun and memorable...almost as much as those opening credits to my 8-year-old self.


Scorethefilm will return with his thoughts to...

MOONRAKER (1979)

The Devil's Rejects (2005)

Director: Rob Zombie

Starring: Sid Haig, Bill Moseley, Sheri Moon Zombie, William Forsythe, Geoffrey Lewis

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: Hell doesn't want them. Hell doesn't need them. Hell doesn't love them. This world rejects them.

Plot: A little while after the murders of the young people from HO1KC The Firefly family must escape Their house because it is surrounded by police. Capt. Spaulding meets up with Baby and Otis to find a hiding place. Meanwhile, Officer Whydel, Sherrif Whydel's brother seeks revenge on the family who became known as The Devil's Rejects.



My Rating: 8/10

Would I watch it again? Shit, yeah, Buddy-ro!

What a refreshing modern genre film. From the great opening credits sequence with the freeze-framing and the TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE-type voice over to the gore fest throughout the film to the (almost) great downer (sort of) of an ending. Zombie's got some talent and I hope he didn't shoot his wad with this film. I'm looking forward to watching HOUSE OF 1000 CORPSES (2003) and, to a lesser extent, HALLOWEEN (2007).

I do have some issues with it, though. First of all Rob's wife, Sheri, is not a good actress and it really shows when she's around good actors. Her onscreen mother, played by Leslie Easterbrook, is equally bad. WAY over the top. In one scene, Zombie just lets her go nuts in an interrogation room for what seems like forever as she's acting as if she's possessed or something. I wouldn't have been the least surprised if she started foaming at the mouth. It's laughable.

HOUSE OF 1000 SPOILERS...

The end of the film has our anti-heroes driving on a desert highway approaching certain death by way of a road block with a shitload of coppers with boom sticks. The Skynyrd song, Freebird, starts playing (I'm OK with it so far) but the scene drags on and in slow motion, so much so that it's obvious Zombie is waiting for the point in the song where it picks up the pace before the shooting is to begin. I'm waiting and waiting and waiting and wishing he would hurry the fuck up until eventually, it's over. THAT was way too much. Shorten the tune or something. Shit fuck.

END OF SPOILERS...YARRRR

I ended up watching again with a friend and it was a blast the second time around. Except, of course, for the two bad actors and the final scene which seemed twice as long. Oh, and Sid Haig and Bill Moseley should have their own franchise with these characters. Badass.

Bond 09: The Man with the Golden Gun (1974)

Director: Guy Hamilton

Starring: Roger Moore, Christopher Lee, Britt Ekland, Maud Adams, Herve Villechaize

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: He never misses his target, and now his target is 007.

Plot: Bond is led to believe that he is targeted by the world's most expensive assassin and must hunt him down to stop him.



My Rating: 9/10

Would I watch it again? Duh

This is one of the most underrated Bond pictures. It gets poo poo'd a lot and for what reasons I don't know. I love that Lee is the villain. He was born for it. He brings class and a nasty sinister edge that you don't see in some of the others. He's a badass and you can believe that he's capable of bringing Bond down.


MAJOR FUCKING SPOILERS:

He fails

END OF MAJOR FUCKING SPOILERS


As is typical in most Bond pictures there are some great action sequences and one standout car stunt pulling a 360 in the air. After 30 years it's still a remarkable achievement. If they'd just remove that annoying fucking slide whistle as it goes up and down then that would edge this film closer to a perfect 10.


I love this film and easily place it among the best of the lot. The humor is kept minimal compared to the next couple of films. It's more believable than some and the plot twist with Scaramanga and who brings him together with Bond is nicely handled. There's a more clever plot here than some and it's a shame it's not as appreciated more.

Scorethefilm will return with his thoughts to...

THE SPY WHO LOVED ME (1977)

God Told Me To (1976)

Director: Larry Cohen

Starring: Tony Lo Bianco, Sandy Dennis

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: Conceived In A HELL Beyond Our GALAXY Destined To Rule Our World!

Plot: A New York detective investigates a series of murders committed by random New Yorkers who claim that "God told them to."



My Rating: 7/10

Would I watch it again? Oh, yeah

#149 on Drive-In Delirium Volume 2 (part of the TRAILER TRASH PROJECT)

The film opens with a man threatening to jump from a sky scraper. He's also just murdered a few people for no apparent reason. When asked by Det. Nicholas (Lo Bianco) the man responds with, "god told me to" and jumps to his death. How awesome is that?

What follows is a pretty good crime story with some horror and, at the end of the picture, some sci-fi. The ending is nicely fucked up. It comes out of nowhere but somehow it makes sense. I'm sold on Cohen's work. Last October I watched IT'S ALIVE (1974) and loved it.

Look quick for a young Andy Kaufman in a police uniform (his first screen appearance).

Supposedly when Cohen asked composer Miklos Rozsa (who scored lots of classic noir pictures in the 40s) to score the picture, Rozsa replied, "God told me not to."

So how fucked up is the ending?

SPOILERS: THE WINGED SERPENT:

A guy from outer space shows up at Det. Nicholas' place, pulls up his shirt to reveal a vagina (that's right, a VAGINA) and asks Nicholas to make a super baby with him. Nicholas isn't having any of that so he attacks the space freak and the house which soon starts crumbling down upon them.

END OF SPOILERS...YARRRR!

Try wedging that into an episode of CSI and see how far you get!