Devil's Three (1979)

Original Title: Pay or Die

Director: Bobby A. Suarez

Writers: Bobby A. Suarez, Dick Adair, Joseph Zucchero

Composers: Gene Kauer, Douglas M. Lackey

Starring: Marie Lee, Franco Guerrero, Florence Carvajal, Johnny Wilson, Dick Adair, Cynthia Rodrigo, Ted Deelman, Lauro Flores, Jennie Perez, Joe Cunanan, Nesty Mercado

More info: IMDb

Tagline: It's fight back - or crawl back

Plot: When drug lord Lucifer Devlin's own men kidnap his daughter and hold her for ransom, he's forced to call his arch nemesis, high-kicking Interpol agent Cleopatra Wong. Wong, with the help of a flamboyantly gay kung fu master and a 300 lb. psychic wonder named "Rotunda", kicks mucho butt, blows stuff up and kicks more butt.

My rating: 5.5/10

Will I watch it again? No.

This is the first sequel to CLEOPATRA WONG (1978) and the only one in the CW trilogy I've seen so far.  I hope the rest aren't as silly as this one because that was the film's biggest turn off.  I don't mind comedy and action but this one put too much emphasis on the comedy.  There are some funny bits but it gets old when you see the 300 pound woman eating in most of her scenes (or chewing).  Rotunda (Carvajal) has her moments, though.

There's another scene where she climbs across a rope between two buildings.  Now that would be cool if they showed a wide shot of her and the buildings but it was always a closeup of her hands and face.  She did break the rope and swing through a cinder block wall (and it was really her - no edits) which was neat. The gay guy was in flamer mode the entire time and I mean extreme stereotype flaming homomode which got annoying after five minutes.  Lee as Cleopatra Wong was fun.  She's a great action actress.  Her kung fu skills are much better than mine.

The music accentuates the comedy which is already too much to begin with.  Because of this, it's not nearly as fun as it should or wants to be.  There's probably a lot of folks out there that will disagree but for me it's just average silly action at best.  It doesn't come close to the king of Philippine action, FOR YOUR HEIGHT ONLY (1981).  Weng Weng rules!

Cuban Rebel Girls (1959)

Director: Barry Mahon

Writer: Errol Flynn

Composer: ???

Starring: Errol Flynn, Beverly Aadland, John McKay, Jackie Jackler, Marie Edmund, Ben Ostrowsky, Reynerio Sanchez, Andres Fernandez, Esther Oliva, Tod Scott Brody, Allen Baron, Clelle Mahon, Ramon Ramierez

More info: IMDb

Tagline: Flynn's Latest! A dramatic moment in his mad dash thru life...bursting with romance and adventure!

Plot: Errol Flynn, playing himself as a war correspondent, helps Fidel Castro overthrow Cuban dictator Batista. The film was shot, with Castro's cooperation, while he was still fighting Batista.

My rating: 5.5/10

Will I watch it again? No.

Barry Mahon was a fighter pilot in WWII and, after being shot down, his new residence as a P.O.W. was at Stalag Luft III, the one you know from THE GREAT ESCAPE (1963) and he helped dig one of the tunnels used in the famous escape.  Steve McQueen's role in that picture is based on Mahon!!! After the war he became Errol Flynn's personal pilot and manager.  Think about that for a moment. Errol Flynn was the world's most adventurous movie star.  Of course he's going to have someone with badass credentials like Mahon working for him as his personal pilot and manager.  It's seems Mahon was a better Nazi killer and prison camp escapee than he was at helming this picture.

OK, that might seem a tad harsh but in fairness, it's not that good of a picture.  Lead actress, Beverly Aadland, was only 17 at the time (two years into her affair with the then 50 year old Flynn!!! Do the math, he was fucking her at 15!) and it's clear she doesn't have the acting chops worthy of an Errol Flynn picture but then she delivers what you'd expect for a forgettable low budget B picture which is exactly what this is.  The difference is Errol Flynn, one of the biggest movie stars ever, wrote, starred and narrates it.  That's all.  And being how it's Flynn, it comes as no surprise that it's called Cuban Rebel Girls, focusing on the gals instead of, well, any other aspect of the Cuban resistance led by Fidel Castro.

The picture is probably filled with people of varying talents ranging from very little acting experience to no acting experience.  It plays exactly like a low to no budget action movie of the 50s would except that it's filmed entirely in Cuba before Castro took power and the United States placed an embargo that holds to this day.  It's a curiosity mostly because of Flynn's involvement AND because it was the last film he made before his death later that year.  Ever since I saw THE ADVENTURES OF ROBIN HOOD (1938) as a kid (my favorite action movie of all time second only to RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK (1981)) I've been a huge fan of Flynn.  His off screen persona was equaled only by his on screen characters.  He was as dashing and as charismatic as they came.  In this picture he's 50 and he looks at least a decade older.  His adventurous life of booze, drugs, whoring and real life action had taken its toll and it shows.  But, underneath that tired voice and worn face was still the amazing Errol Flynn, a man who lived his life as he chose and as the world expected, and I can't fault him for that.

Tarzan Goes to India (1962)

Director: John Guillermin

Writers: Robert Hardy Andrews, John Guillermin

Composer: Ken Jones

Starring: Jock Mahoney, Jai the Elephant Boy, Leo Gordon, Mark Dana, Feroz Khan, Simi Garewal, Murad, Jagdish Raj, G. Raghaven, Aaron Joseph, Abas Khan, Pehelwan Ameer, K.S. Tripathi, Peter Cooke, Denis Bastian

More info: IMDb

Tagline: The King of the Jungle finds new adventure in a new land in a fabulous filmed on-location spectacle in mystic India!

Plot: Summoned by an Indian princess, Tarzan travels to India where hundreds of wild elephants are in danger. A company is building a hydroelectric dam and the contractors have only a few weeks to finish the job. The building of the dam will flood the valley surrounded by mountains. There is one pass through which the elephant herd can escape but that is being closed. Tarzan comes up against an old nemesis, Bryce, the chief engineer. Bryce undertook a similar dam project in Africa and had a penchant for shooting elephants. It's up to Tarzan to organize the move before Bryce manages to close the pass.

My rating: 7/10

Will I watch it again? No.

Tarzan movie review I write will probably begin with: TARZAN'S GREATEST ADVENTURE (1959) (which, by the way, was also directed by John Guillermin) is THE best Tarzan picture I've seen so far and I doubt any will surpass it.  It's just that good.  INDIA is a distant second but it's a good adventure film that takes advantage of being entirely shot in India and that makes a difference.  Jock Mahoney does a good job as Tarzan.  He's a lot leaner than Gordon Scott (from TGA) but he's a more realistic looking Tarzan and practically a prototype for Ron Ely (my favorite Tarzan) who would star as Tarzan in the awesome TV show in 1966.  This is Mahoney's first of two outings as Tarzan (he later appeared as a different semi-recurring character in the TV series and had previously starred opposite Scott in in TARZAN THE MAGNIFICENT (1960)).  There's a good deal of action and the bad guy gets his comeuppance but there is an interesting turn of events with the final antagonist which is as noble as it is unexpected. Nice touch.

This film marks the first appearance of the young boy, Jai, a character that would become a favorite years later in the TV show.  I really liked his and Tarzan's relationship.  The kid does a great job, too (funny how he isn't listed in the IMDb credits and he's got more screen time than anyone except for Tarzan). It reminded me an awful lot of Indy and Short Round from INDIANA JONES AND THE TEMPLE OF DOOM (1984) to the point that I'm certain that's how Short Round originated.  It's a good picture and one that would be nice to see on the big screen, as would all of the Tarzan films (I'd even watch the so-so ones on the big screen if given the opportunity.)

Jailbait Babysitter (1977)

Director: John Hayes

Writer: John Hayes

Composer: Jaime Mendoza-Nava

Starring: Therese Pare, Roscoe Born, Lydia Wagner, David J. Partington, Billie Mae Richards, John Schmidt, Mariwin Roberts, Leonard Clarke

More info: IMDb

Tagline: Her Friends Call Her Jail Bait...Her Clients Call Her Anytime!

Plot: Vicki is seventeen and her older friends call her Jailbait. Her boyfriend Robert is frustrated because Vicki doesn't want to do the wild thing, but he's willing to wait. After a party gets out of hand, Vicki escapes with the help of Lorraine, who takes her in as a house guest. While Lorraine teaches Vicki etiquette, Robert wonders what happened to his girlfriend. And Vicki soon learns more about Lorraine's job as an "executive liaison."

My rating: 5/10

Will I watch it again? Not unless that babysitter shows up at my place with the DVD tucked into her cutoff shorts and halter top.

Man, this is a let down. I thought Lorraine was going to turn Vicki out but no.  Vicki just stays at her place for a while.  She gets to drink and learn the about the finer things.  She allows herself to be at a middle aged man's house who, thinking she's legal, wants to fuck her. When she does he has a non-fatal heart attack and Vicki's old boyfriend shows up when the ambulance is there and she decides to go back to her old life and boyfriend.  There's about 9 more minutes of some shit that goes on at a party and then it's over.

It's very uneventful and nothing like the poster, tagline, etc.  But then that's what exploitation does.  The marketing department did their job.  I'm sure a shitload of drive-in goers left disappointed...that is unless they went with their significant other and everyone left happy having gotten oral or a handy by the time the credits rolled.  I didn't get one, therefore I'm not happy with this picture.

International Gorillay (1990)

Director: Jan Mohammed

Writers: Nasir Adib, Zahoor Ahmed, Sikandar Khanna

Composers: M. Arshad, Manzoor Ashraf

Starring: Afzaal Ahmad, Albela, Ghulam Mohiuddin, Neeli, Mustafa Qureshi, Rangeela, Babra Sharif, Javed Sheikh

More info: IMDb

Plot: The Islamic world is in crisis with the publication of Salman Rushdie's Satanic Verses. Rushdie wants Pakistan, the stronghold of Islam, to fall. Determined to foil his plans are a trio of brothers who form a holy army to destroy Rushdie. Rushdie plans to drive the final nails into the coffin of Islam by opening a new chain of Casino's and Disco's spreading contemptable vice and debauchery. Mustafa Qureshi, hen pecked to death by his demented wife, decides to call it a day with his day job at the Police station and induct his unemployed brothers to create a Mujahid (God's soldiers) trio whose sole aim is to seek out and destroy the despised Salman Rushdie before he manages to destory all virtue and decency on the planet.

My rating: 5.5/10

Will I watch it again? No.

Ugh.  167 minutes, 13 shy of 3 hours.  It's funny, there's a ton of action and it's got Batmen!

That's right, BatMEN, why I don't know, but they show up and leave.  Sure, this SOUNDS like fun and it would be for about a half hour but it's 167 minutes, 13 shy of 3 hours.

The action is quick, or rather the editing is lightning fast.  The bad guy is Salman Rushdie, hilarious, looking like Jerry Lewis for some reason.

The songs are fun.

It's a lot like a Bollywood film but the HUGE issue is, besides that it's 167 minutes, 13 shy of 3 hours, is the sound is fucking loud.  This isn't some, "dude, just turn the sound down".  No, it's non-stop loud music, loud explosions, loud everything.  The soundtrack is drowning in noise and it doesn't let up for 167 minutes, 13 shy of 3 hours.  It's harsh.  Woof.

For 167 minutes, 13 shy of 3 hours, the Islamic world is doing everything it can to kill Rushdie but it's only in the last 2 minutes that he dies and it happens by?

The Koran flying around shooting lightning bolts at him until he bursts into flames.

There.  I just saved you 167 minutes, 13 shy of 3 hours.