Master of the Flying Guillotine (1975)

Director: Yu Wang

Staring: Yu Wang

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: It's A Mean Machine - Cuts Your Head Off Clean!

Plot: Fu Sing Wu Chi is the blind teacher of the two Ching assassins, Chow Lung and Chow Fu, killed by the One Armed Boxer a few years earlier. He also happens to be a master of the most deadly of all weapons, the flying guillotine. When Fu receives word of their death he immediately heads off to find Liu. Unfortunately, in the process he kills any one armed man in he comes in contact with. Aiding him in his search are a Thai boxer and an Indian fakir, who has the power of extending his arms. Also complicating matters is a Japanese karate expert, who has designs on the daughter of a martial arts teacher who also was killed by the vengeful Fu.



My Rating: 8/10

Would I watch it again? Hell, yeah!

This is some badass shit. Most of this movie is wall-to-wall fighting. Everyone has their own fighting style and they're very unique and cool. This is easily one of the best kung fu movies I've ever seen. It deserves repeat viewings. I'm going to shut up now. Watch the trailer. Go to YouTube and find more fight scenes. Find this movie and prepare to shit prematurely!

The Quick and the Dead (1995)

Director: Sam Raimi

Starring: Gene Hackman, Sharon Stone, Russell Crowe, Leonardo DiCaprio, Tobin Bell, Lance Henriksen, Pat Hingle, Gary Sinise

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: In this town, you're either one or the other

Plot: Lady avenger returns to western town owned by a ruthless gunslinger hosting an elimination tournament.



My Rating: 8/10

Would I watch it again? Is Gene Hackman pissed he didn't get to cross his legs without panties on? Sure

There are so many reasons to love this film. It's a western, a good western. The only way I can describe it is by calling it a Spaghetti Western Comic Book. It's fucked up. It's violent. There are tons of quick zooms, crazy angles and more of those vertigo-inducing zoom while pulling back shots to make Quentin Tarantino come off of that towering ego-laden forehead of his. And you don't just get lots of kills. You get creative kills like this...


And this...


That's all you really need to base your decision on whether or not you need to see this. If you still need convincing just look at the cast list. Stone's the only one who really brings it down a notch. This was just a couple of years after she became a hot property from BASIC INSTINCT. That explains why she's in it. BTW, this is rated "R" for western violence. Not western nudity or western suggestive drug use but western violence. You've been sufficiently warned.

Assault on Precinct 13 (1976)

Director: John Carpenter

Starring: Austin Stoker

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: L.A.'s deadliest street gang just declared war on the cops.

Plot: The lone inhabitants of an abandoned police station are under attack by the overwhelming numbers of a seemingly unstoppable street gang.

My Rating: 7/10

Would I watch it again? Am I the only one who thought the title referred to someone going down on Madonna?

Here's another one that caught me by surprise. I feel like I led a sheltered life or something. I'd heard about it since I was a kid, it's just that I never got around to it until now. This is a great low budget, badass, violent movie. Carpenter doesn't pull any punches. For example, here's a controversial scene:

"I want a vanilla twist."

AWESOME!!!! I love kids, see, but it's so rare you get to see them killed with such style. Ahahahaha. If that, ahem, shot makes you smile then you're so going to dig this picture.

Knightriders (1981)

Director: George A. "NIGHT OF THE LIVING DEAD" Romero

Starring: Ed Harris, Tom Savini, Amy Ingersoll

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: The Games...The Romance...The Spirit...Camelot is a state of mind.

Plot: A travelling troupe of jousters and performers are slowly cracking under the pressure of hick cops, financial troubles and their failure to live up to their own ideals. The group's leader, King Billy, is increasingly unable to maintain his warrior's rule while the Black Knight is being tempted away to LA and stardom, as they all have to ask why they were here in the first place.



My Rating: 8/10

Would I watch it again? Is that a badass poster or what?

This movie kicked the shit out of me. I was stunned. For years and years I saw the VHS cover at the video stores but never thought much other than, "cool cover". The premise seemed silly to my teenage mind. Boy, was I an idiot. This movie is outstanding. It's like I got kicked in the balls, my balls were then taken to Oscar Goldman to be rebuilt, brought back and installed back in the sack and then, despite by my balls being bionic, they were kicked again and had to be taken BACK to the lab for adjustments. THAT'S what this movie did to me.

The atmosphere was so rich and exciting I wanted to leave as soon as it was over and join them. It looked like such a fun thing to do. I dig Renaissance Fairs but the one we get here is lame because of the location - a fairgrounds with not a tree around. The one I went to in Rhode Island was in the middle of a forest. Now that's a RenFair.

I get the feeling that Ed Harris is a serious method actor and that he probably didn't talk to anyone during the shoot. His acting is so fucking intense it's surprising he didn't kill somebody. He barks, yells and broods A LOT. Everybody else is having fun. Savini is a blast to watch, btw. I dug the motorcycles as a substitute for horses. It's just too cool. The big show at the end runs a little long and it needed to be trimmed because the run time is a staggering 145 minutes. This is a meaty movie and you feel like you've had at least 7 giant turkey legs by the end of it but it's oh so satisfying like nothing else.

Fargo (1996)

Director: Joel Coen

Starring: William H. Macy, Frances McDorman, Steve Buscemi

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: A homespun murder story.

Plot: Jerry Lundegaard's inept crime falls apart due to his and his henchmen's bungling and the persistent police work of pregnant Marge Gunderson.



My Rating: 9/10

Would I watch it again? Is that fella goin' crazy out 'dere down by tha lake?

Another slam-dunk by the Coens. I saw this in the theater way back when on a first date. Afterwards we were so gung-ho that we got liquored-up and had crazy sexy on top of a wood chipper. It was awesome. OK, so the whole wood chipper sex thing didn't happen until the third date but it was a memorable night seeing that film and it just so happened that my date was on the same dark black humor wavelength that I was. Too bad she turned out to be as crazy as Margot Kidder at Thanksgiving dinner forgetting her purse and all.

This film is flawless. The Coen brothers nailed every aspect. Fraces was amazing and nobody, and I MEAN nobody, plays unraveling sorry-ass bastard like Macy. Every time I watch it I feel like I'M the one who stole the money and fucked up. Fantastic performances all the way around. The score is magnificently underplayed and then there's the cinematography. Holy shit, Herb! Just look at this shot and tell me it doesn't do anything for you:


WOW! Great stuff. After seeing their latest, NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN (2007) I just had to watch this one again. It's a different kind of powerful than NCFOM but it's still a remarkable film that'll kick the pants off of most anything else that's happened since.

Ah, jeez.

Legend of the Overfiend (1989)

Director: Hideki Takayama

Starring: Japanese

More Info: IMDB

Plot: When Overfiend is found and born in a human, he will remake the world to something more of his liking! Ripping the boundaries of the three universes (worlds) apart, it's clear that little can stand in his way! While the other worlds are hoping to find the Overfiend to control the creation of this new World we call Earth.



My Rating: 2/10

Would I watch it again? Would you like to be tentacle-raped? OK, but still NO

This one's notorious for it's introduction of tentacle rape to the world of Japanese animation. I've only seen one anime film before and it was VAMPIRE HUNTER D from the 80s in a theater a couple of years ago. It was horribly dull and that was my introduction to anime. Here's my second and after the film was over (all 108 minutes of it) I couldn't tell you a single thing that happened. My mind was a blue. I was so disinterested 20 minutes into the film that my eyes glossed over and rolled back into my head which means I was able to see what was going on in my brain. It was scary. When I awoke from my coma an hour an ten minutes later I was pleased to hear that it was over. I do recall the tentacle rape scene that eveyone talks about and I couldn't believe how lame it was. I guess 12 year old boys in 1989 were cuckoo for Coco Puffs for it but not this cat. The whole ordeal of watching this picture left me confused and wanting to cry.

Airplane! (1980)

Director: Jim Abrahams, David Zucker, Jerry Zucker

Starring: EVERYONE

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: You've read the ad, now see the movie!

Plot: When the crew of an airplane are struck by some form of virus, the fate of the passengers depends on an ex-war pilot who is the only one able to land the plane safely! The passengers represent a selection of interesting wacky characters who seem to take every word for its literal meaning.

My Rating: 9/10

Would I watch it again? Do you like movies with gladiators in them?

You've seen it. We've all seen it. It's a classic. I haven't seen this since the mid 80s and I'm pleasantly surprised that it's stood up so well. I laughed my freaking ass off all the way through. ALL the way through. Usually comedies like this will die off before the end but this one doesn't let up. It's loaded with gags and many scenes have multiple simultaneous gags. Great stuff. I certainly won't wait another 20 years to see it again.

Shiiiiiit! (Golly!)