Audition (1999)

Director: Takashi Miike

Starring: Ryo Ishibashi, Asami Yamazaki

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: She always gets a part

Plot: A lonely Japanese widower whose son is planning to move out of the house soon expresses his sadness to a friend and fellow film producer, who becomes inspired to hold an audition for a non-existent film so that the widower can select a new potential bride from the resulting audition pool. The widower ultimately becomes enamored with and fascinated by one particular young woman...but first impressions can often be horribly wrong....







My Rating: 7/10
Would I watch it again? Yes

My only previous encounters with Takashi Miike's films are with ICHI THE KILLER and BATTLE ROYALE. Both are violent, cool as hell and 20 minutes too long. AUDITION is different. It's 20 minutes too long, violent and cool as hell - in that order.

The film starts out nice and easy and plays very much like a romantic drama. It's probably about 45 minutes (of the nearly 2 hour running time) into it that the tone changes from "meh" to "uh-oh", 15 minutes later to "I'm going to can" and another 30 minutes later to "Where the hell did this come from?". The audition itself is played for laughs and it's a lot of fun. After that you're in it for the long haul. The courting of the widower and the young girl is nothing special and is surprisingly drab but it's knowing the audition was a scam and wondering how it's all going to pan out that keeps you going. Once we start to discover there's more to this girl than we're let on that I perked up a bit.

Yawn. There's lots of flashbacks to the girl's abused past and, I think, some flash forwards. After a while I started asking myself, "WTF?". Patience. Did you watch the trailer? Notice something in the sack by the phone? Cool, huh? Now we're getting into torture/horror territory. The fun begins....NOW!

HERE BE SPOILERS:

This chick's got some serious issues. It turns out that she hates/distrusts men because of her sexually abusive uncle or something. She doesn't trust her new found boyfriend because she believes he's doing to many other girls (who auditioned) what he's doing with her (you know, sex). So she's got to make him depend on her since she can't seem to depend on him.

So what would you do? You'd do what any fucked-up Japanese broad with issues would do and that's slip a little something in his drink to make him immobile yet still able to feel pain. Then you'd put on a leather butcher's apron (cause there's going to be lots of blood and you don't want to muss up your pretty dress you wore especially for the occasion), remove a bundle of 5-inch long acupuncture needles from your leather bag of goodies and proceed to put them into his abdomen. But you wouldn't stop there. Nope. You'd push them in a good inch or two. He's been asking for it and he needs to hurt. Still with me? Of course you are. You've done this before. THEN after you've put a dozen or so into his gut you sit on top of him and work those needles around and around. Ah, to be in love again...and let's not forget to put a few directly below his eyeballs.

But wait, eventually the anesthetic or whatever will wear off. What to do then? Cut off his feet, naturally. But not with a boring old saw. Nope. We're using piano wire with handles on both ends to get that see-saw action going on. It's like a Three Stooges sketch but without the blood, numb guy full of needles, and crazy Japanese broad going to town on some guy's foot so she can use it as an umbrella stand. Pleased with herself, she starts on foot number 2 but doesn't get too far when his son comes home earlier than expected. She darts around the corner after pulling a mace sprayer out of that bag of goodies. The son opens the door, seeing his footless pin cushion father lying on the floor and says with a straight face, not shit, "Are you OK?"!?!

Psycho bitch chases his ass up the stairs and starts spraying the kid like a dog in heat. Sonny, with the full force of both legs, kicks her down the stairs so hard she doesn't even come close to touching anything but air until she hits the floor in the doorway to where pin cushion pops is lying. Is she dead or is it his imagination that allows him to keep her alive as he talks to her? I just don't know. I'll need the Cliff Notes to find out. I'm on my way to Barnes & Noble right now.

END OF SPOILERS...YAR...

OK, so if you didn't read the spoilers you'll probably not want to watch this which is too bad. If you did then it's on, huh? Half way through I had no idea that I would end up liking this movie. If only Steel Magnolias had an ending like this I may have actually enjoyed it. The ending is so out of left field and caught me so off guard that I'll definitely watch this one again; possibly with friends if I could convince any of them to endure what I did the first time through. It might work if I promised to make sushi and wear a geisha outfit.

Payback (1999) & Payback: Straight Up - The Director's Cut (2006)

Director: Brian Helgeland

Staring: Mel Gibson, Maria Bello, William Devane, James Coburn

More Info: (Director's Cut) IMDB
More Info: (Theatrical Cut) IMDB

Tagline: He's back with a vengeance.

Plot: Val Resnick and Porter, two small time bandits, hit a Chinese gang together and manage to get $140,000. But Val Resnick needs 130 grand alone to buy himself back into his syndication. So, Val turns on Porter together with Porter's wife Lynn, who kills him with two shots in the back. But Porter survives and half a year later, he is back, seeking his share of $70,000. When he finally finds Val, Porter quickly learns that he has to go much further up the ladder in order to get his money from the guys who have it: The syndication.





My Rating: Theatrical cut: 8/10 Director's Cut: 9/10

Over the past few years I have seen the Theatrical Cut (TC) probably 4 or 5 times. I've always thoroughly enjoyed the sheer badassness of Gibson (Porter), the blue tint of the film, the double crosses, crooked cops, classy mob bosses, revenge revenge revenge, and the single-mindedness of Porter wanting only what's owed to him and nothing more. I've been quite satisfied.

"Badass"

Gibson is great. The first mob boss he comes to is played with absolute delight by William Devane. What a set of choppers that man has and he flashes them like Pamela Anderson flashing her boobs. He's clearly having a blast in that roll. And then there's THE MAN, James Coburn who delivers my favorite line. After his expensive luggage is shot full of holes by Gibson, Coburn turns back to look at him and says, "Man, that's just mean!" Funny as hell with the delivery. Classic. This movie's full of badasses.

"Badass"

HERE BE SPOILERS:

I had heard for years that there was trouble between the director and the studio when it came to the ending. The TC ends nicely with total revenge and with Gibson & the girl (and dog) getting away with the money. Until I saw the new DC that didn't matter too much too me because I really like the TC to begin with. Boy was I surprised when I watched the DC. WOW! Helgeland's cut tightens up the story considerably leaving out some misc plot threads. His blue tint is still there but not as much so. It's an improvement. I never realised the blue tint of the TC could have been improved upon until now. Nice. Very nice. The DC includes the top boss voiced by Sally Kellerman. We never see her; only hear her on the phone. The TC replaced that with filmed scenes with Kris Kristopherson and an additional plot thread involving his son. I dug that plot point. I wasn't cool with seeing it cut from the DC but I REALLY like what Helgeland did instead. And then there's the ending. The last 20 minutes or so of the DC were never used in the TC and it involves a big showdown finale at a train station. Gibson is pretty much dead or close to it at the end when his girl shows up. That leaves some ambiguity as to whether or not he dies. I like the bleak ending but then again, I like Porter way too much to let him go. I REALLY wanted him to win. But then again, I'm always bitching about all the damn happy endings in movies that I shouldn't complain.

END OF SPOILERS...YAR...

"Badass"

Overall, I like the DC better. It's tighter and it delivers the goods. I also like the TC and I'm glad that we have the choice to see both. It's a very interesting experiment to watch the DC first and then the TC and fast forwarding through the bits the two films share. You're likely to find the DC a better film at the same time appreciating what the TC has to contribute.

Charley Varrick (1973)

Director: Don Siegel

Starring: Walter Matthau, Joe Don Baker, John Vernon

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: When he runs out of dumb luck he always has genius to fall back on!

Plot: Charley Varrick and his friends rob a small town bank. Expecting a small sum to divide amongst themselves, they are surprised to discover a very large amount of money. Quickly figuring out that the money belongs to the mob, they must now come up with a plan to throw the mob off their trail.

My Rating: 8/10

Would I watch it again? Oh, yeah.

Seeing Matthau as a bad guy, albeit a bad guy that you're rootin' for, is awesome. He plays it cool and smart. He's always one step in front of the law, the mob and the hit man. Hell, he even gets the ladies just like James Bond does. Nice.

I just don't see anything wrong with this movie. It's a great, fun ride. There's plenty of suspense and action. Lots of dark humor and lots of great actors chewing it up and spitting it out. I've never seen Matthau turn in anything short of a marvelous performance in anything. It's just icing on the cake in this picture having him as the bad guy. Then there's John "Double Secret Probation" Vernon. He's always fun and there's a piece of dialogue that stands out. When he's explaining to the bank manager about the consequences of the bank heist and what the mob will do he says, "You know what kind of people they [the mafia] are. They'll strip you naked and go to work on you with a pair of pliers and a blowtorch." Sound familiar? Quentin Tarantino used part of that line in PULP FICTION. Classic.

"I just don't know which girl I want..."

And finally Joe Don Baker is hysterical as the tough-as-nails mob-hired assassin. He just doesn't fuck around. There's one scene in particular where he pops this woman, whom he JUST met, in the chops, after a couple of beats she knows the score, smiles and he closes the door to her bedroom and bangs her. WTF?

"Here, Baker is about to go apeshit on a crippled old man - that's just cool."

It's got a great ending that will leave you very satisfied. I'd be surprised if you've heard of this much less actually seen it. It's out on DVD but it's full frame. I got my copy from Turner Classic Movies a couple of years back in widescreen format. Seek it out. You'll be glad you did. It's worth the search.

Dirty Mary Crazy Larry (1974)

Dir: John Hough

Starring: Peter Fonda, Susan George, Adam Roarke, Vic Morrow

More Info: IMDB

Tagline:

Plot: Mary and Larry are two lovers who, with Larry's ace mechanic, rob a grocery store and flee the police with hopes of making the professional racing circuit. They are chased over hill, over vale by the cops, who deploy everything from a 426 Hemi to a helicopter to stop Larry's Dodge Charger culminating in a memorable ending.







My Rating: 4/10
Would I watch it again? No

The hype about this movie in the Mondo Movie world I live in HUGE. It's been referenced in films and talked about with fanboy glee so when I finally saw it I couldn't believe my eyes. This movie is an assault on your senses and intelligence.

I've got no problem checking my brains at the door when I go to see certain films. I expected a fun 1970's-era, gear-head, car-chasing, rednexploitation film. What I got was a complete waste of time at the expense of Peter Fonda and Susan George getting their kicks and collecting a paycheck.

The first thing you're going to notice is how much Fonda and George look and sound like a couple of childish idiot low-lifes. You'd probably tell me that that's the point. I can accept that to a degree but the words that come out of their mouths are absolutely some of the worst, if not THE worst, dialogue I've ever heard before. I expect that in some piece of shit B-movie where there's no talent or money involved but with this? I watched a little bit of the interviews after the movie and they WERE PROUD to have improvised this drivel. Unbelievable. Fucking unbelievable.

"Can you spot the REAL actor? It ain't the mongoloid on the left or the skank in the center."

So what worked? SOME of the car chases (although I was STUNNED at how mediocre they were), Vic Morrow over-acting his obviously drunk-ass self in just about every scene he's in, the "third wheel", so-to-speak, actor riding along with Fonda and George - Adam Roarke. Compared to F&G he's Brando. He knows how to play his part. He underplays it. He'd have to compared to the coloring book performances from F&G. And while I'm at it, this is the first time I've seen Susan George and if I never see her in a film again I'll be that much better for it. She's terrible and she's hideous! I'd like to think this is her worst performance but even at that it's a looooong road for her to get to a mediocre one. Woof.

"Ugly Mary"

I gave this film a 4 out of 10, 1 for Roarke and 3 for the coolest fucking ending EVER! It's like a bitch-slap the morning after. It will sober your ass up and fast. I really think that without the film's ending the movie would barely be a blink in any of these film maker's careers. I can't say enough of the ending. It's stunning. BUT it's certainly not worth watching everything else just to get to it. If you watch the last 20 minutes then you will see a pretty decent movie IF that's all you watch. The actors start taking things seriously at that point when the heat is really on so the silliness is almost non-existent. The rest of the movie is absolute crap. If I watch any of this again it will be the final 20 minutes. Skip the empty main course and go straight for desert.

The Blair Witch Project (1999)

Dir: Daniel Myrick & Eduardo Sanchez

Starring: Heather Donahue, Joshua Leonard, Michael C. Williams

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: Everything you've heard is true.

Plot: Three film students travel to Maryland to make a student film about a local urban legend... The Blair Witch. The three went into the woods on a two day hike to find the Blair Witch, and never came back. One year later, the students film and video was found in the woods. The footage was compiled and made into a movie.










My Rating: 8/10

Would I watch it again? Yep



If you haven't seen this I HIGHLY recommend that you watch the documentary on the DVD first. I also recommend that you do not read any further.



Here be spoilers...



When I first saw this I had only heard that the film was a fake documentary and that's it. I wish that I hadn't known that because it would have only heightened the creepyness of the whole thing. I still dug it and upon watching it recently, the things that creeped me out then creep me out now.



I give this film high marks for the unique method of storytelling and film making as well as the few genuine scares it gives me. It dares to be different and it succeeds. I really liked the fact that you don't see the "threat" that is presented to these kids. You hear strange noises in the night which is FAR more effective than seeing what's causing them. For me, that works. The ending inside the house is creepy as hell as well and for the same reason. We are seeing only what the actors are seeing and then eventually what the camera sees after the filmmaker is killed/knocked unconscious. My imagination is far more affected than what I see. If only more horror films would ask more of our imaginations...





There wasn't much that I didn't like, really. Heather is an annoying, bossy bitch for much of the film and she does it so well you don't know if it's the actor or the character. I can only speculate. She also does a great job of projecting fear once the shit starts to go down in the last half hour. It feels genuine and from what I've heard about how it was filmed it is genuine. And the other two actors did a fine job as well. It's really surprising to see that none of them have acted in films much since this came out 8 years ago.



Knowing what I know from the first viewing I was really surprised that it creeped me out a second time. I don't scare/creep-out easily. It really takes a lot to move me in that direction so I always welcome the challenge and appreciate that much more any film that can do that to me.

The Last Boy Scout (1991)

Dir: Tony Scott

Starring: Bruce Willis, Damon Wayans, Taylor Negron, Halle Berry

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: The goal is to survive.

Plot: A down and out cynical detective teams up with a down and out ex-quarterback to try and solve a murder case involving a pro football team and a politician.






My Rating: 8/10
Would I watch it again? You bet your sweet ass, Sweetheart.

Man, this movie is a total gas from start to finish. It's a completely check-your-brains-at-the-door-and-just-go-along-for-the-ride kind of movie. Bruce Willis is probably the best actor to portray a down-and-out detective ever. He's certainly one of the best at being able to take a beating. He gets a few of those, too. Willis gets LOTS of corny one-liners and just about all of them work as long as you take this film for what it is - an over-the-top action comedy. Wayans is funny, sure, but when he spits out the one-liners it's pretty much hit and miss.

There are very few "eye rolling" moments that usually accompany these types of films. Most of them belong to the kid that plays Willis' daughter. At first I wanted her character to pack her bags and head on over to Ted Bundy's place but eventually she does provide a key roll in Willis' escape from the bad guys. Ooh, and the bad guys...Taylor Negron is GREAT as the enforcer to the big cheese.

"I told you if you touched me again I'd kill you."

I almost forgot about Halle Berry. She sucks so bad in this it hurts. I've never been that fond of her acting to begin with. She was good in MONSTERS BALL but not THAT good. Anyway, the suffering of her poor acting didn't last long, thankfully. Woof.

Director Tony Scott once again delivers the goods with another roller coaster ride of an action film. And, as Scott's pictures go, it looks great. It'll keep a grin on your face from Willis' entrance all the way to the last line. Surf's up.

Man Bites Dog (1992)

Dir: Remy Belvaux & Andre Bonzel

Starring: Benoit Poelvoorde and a crap-load of French

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: A Killer Comedy

Plot: A camera crew follows a serial killer/thief around as he exercises his craft. He expounds on art, music, nature, society, and life as he offs mailmen, pensioners, and random people. Slowly he begins involving the camera crew in his activities, and they begin wondering if what they're doing is such a good idea, particularly when the killer kills a rival and the rival's brother sends a threatening letter.






My Rating: 9/10
Would I watch it again? HELL, YES!

WOW! Why haven't I seen this before? This was amazing; an IN-YOUR-FACE foray into violence and extremely dark humor. I'd heard about this practically since it came out but never got around to it until now. Stunning.

The black & white photography is magnificently stark and cold. The film plays much like a reality TV show insomuch as a three-man camera crew follows this average dorky-looking guy around as he steals and kills. The Killer, Ben, mugs for the camera at every turn and he really sees himself as something of a celebrity. He "plays" to the camera never forgetting that it's all about him. The deaths are brutal. Ben kills without conscience and with a smile.

"Granny Snuff, ever been snuffed out?"

This film is a sucker punch to the gut if you're not prepared for it. With all the crazy and sick shit in films I've seen I'm always pleasantly surprised when something knocks me off my rocker. I watched it with a couple of friends and we were all fucking side blinded by this film. It's amazing. It's beautiful. It's horrific. It's hysterical. It's brutal and it is absolutely worth your time if you've read this far.