The People That Time Forgot (1977)

Director: Kevin Connor

Writers: Edgar Rice Burroughs, Patrick Tilley

Composer: John Scott

Starring: Patrick Wayne, Dough McClure, Sarah Douglas, Dana Gillespie, Thorley Walters, Shane Rimmer, Tony Britton, John Hallam, David Prowse

More info: IMDb

Tagline: The 7th continent - A lost world shut off by a wall of ice, roamed by beasts unknown to science, ruled by men lost to history, doomed to vanish in a chaos of leaping flames!

Plot: In 1919, a British expedition in the Antarctica region is searching for a lost American explorer and finds a hidden prehistoric world instead.

My rating: 6/10

Will I watch it again?  No.

I'm not buyin' this at all.  How the hell could time forget people like this?

It certainly wasn't called the THE CLEAVAGE THAT TIME FORGOT, that's for sure.  Almost a year ago today I watched THE LAND THAT TIME FORGOT (1975).  That was an OK picture.  I figured this one would be along the same lines of quality and it is.  It's more of the same with great looking exteriors, adequate acting and cheesy dinosaur effects.  They would've done themselves better had they stop motion dinosaurs instead of people in dino suits.  The action starts within minutes as our heroes fly to the land the time forgot and get attacked by a pterodactyl.  Then it's a hop, skip and a 30 minute jump to get to the evil skull lair where they find Bowen (McClure) who's been there since the last picture.  Fight some bad guys and escape before the island volcano destroys everything.  It's a very simple story but they managed to make a reasonably entertaining kiddie flick.  John Scott's theme is great.  It would've been nice to see what he could've done with it if they'd given him more money to hire a larger orchestra.  Patrick Wayne (John's son) does well in the lead and he'd go on to play a much bigger fantasy role that same year in SINBAD AND THE EYE OF THE TIGER.  At least that film had the budget it deserved.  I guess you could say that about this one, too.  Like LAND, the MGM print of this is anamorphic widescreen (looking goo, too) and the sole extra is the theatrical trailer (also anamorphic wide).

Down Periscope (1996)

Director: David S. Ward

Writers: Hugh Wilson, Andrew Kurtzman, Eliot Wald

Composer: Randy Edelman

Starring: Kelsey Grammer, Lauren Holly, Rob Schneider, Harry Dean Stanton, Bruce Dern, William H. Macy, Ken Hudson Campbell, Toby Huss, Duane Martin, Jonathan Penner, Bradford Tatum, Harland Williams, Rip Torn, Patton Oswalt

More info: IMDb

Tagline: A rusty sub. A rebel commander. A renegade crew. When destiny called, they should have hung up.

Plot: Lt. Cmdr. Tom Dodge is assigned as Captain to the USS Stingray, an old diesel driven submarine that has seen better days. With a crew that consists only of weird guys (and a gal), he's headed against the atomic powered USS Orlando, with the mission to destroy a dummy battleship.

My rating: 7/10

Will I watch it again?  Yes.

I didn't expect to like this as much as I did but it's worth seeing for the cast alone.  Most of the characters were fun.  I dig Rob Schneider but he wasn't doing it for me.  It's not a fun role to begin with but I bet Paul Giamatti could've done something fun with it.  It's a lot more vulgar than I was expecting (a plus) and it's nice to hear Grammer swearing.  He's very likable as are so many of the cast.  Toby Huss is hilarious and his Sinatra is scary good...

A lot of people probably think this is just a dumb comedy but it's really well directed and put together.  The pacing is lickety split and it's just fun as hell.  Would you believe the guy that directed this wrote THE STING (1973)?  Well, he also wrote THE STING II (1983) so there's that.

Ator, the Fighting Eagle (1982)

Original title: Ator L'invicibile

Director: Joe D'Amato

Writer: Joe D'Amato

Composer: Carlo Maria Cordio

Starring: Miles O'Keeffe, Sabrina Siani, Ritza Brown, Dakar, Laura Gemser, Edmund PUrdom, Alessandra Vazzaler, Nello Pazzafini, Jean Lopez, Olivia Goods

More info: IMDb

Tagline: A magical power was destined to fight at his side.

Plot: The son of Torren learns of his heritage, goes to avenge the deaths of his fellow villagers, and rescue his sister/love interest from the evil Dakkar and his spider cult. Ator battles giant spiders, swordsmen cloaked in shadow, re-animated dead warriors, and horribly hideous witches.

My rating: 5/10

Will I watch it again?  No.

Released nearly a year after the game changing CONAN THE BARBARIAN (1982), this picture is one of the earliest CONAN ripoffs.  And when it's written and directed by Joe D'Amato, the man who directed almost 200 films in less than thirty years, there's an excellent chance it's going to be made fast, cheap and bad.  It is but it looks better than a lot of his films.  THe fight scenes are slow and clumsy but the exterior locations are nice.  There's that.  The music score feels bigger and better than the movie deserves.  I'd like to say it's so bad it's good but it's not.  It's got enough quality to it (thanks largely to the score) that it doesn't go that low but it's not without some unintentional laughs.  When Ator and his sister are in their late teens they want to marry but they can't because they're brother and sister.  Well, this is when their father tells them they can because Ator isn't her brother (although they've been raised as brother and sister since birth) and that he was dropped off by a stranger as a baby so it's all good.  The parents are thrilled that they want to marry!!!  It was a different time back then...barbarian times, not the 80s.  The tiny bear cub (looking like a fat ass skunk with a wide painted white stripe down its back) running after the heroes all through the movie was adorable.  Just when you think it was over, there's a pop song at the end that's heavily inspired by Sheena Easton's song from FOR YOUR EYES ONLY (1981), which is just what was missing from this flick.  Nope.  There was something else not right...I was shocked that there's not one instance of nudity.  Hell, I would've settled for some back sack.  Considering the subject and D'Amato's other picture, that's a crime.  D'Amato and O'Keeffe returned two years later for the sequel, THE BLADE MASTER (1984).  Oh, boy.  And it has a lower user rating than this one.  There'd better be boobs in it this time.

Secret Agent Fireball (1965)

Original title: Le Spie Uccidono a Beirut

Director: Luciano Martino

Writer: Ernesto Gastaldi

Composer: Carlo Savina

Starring: Richard Harrison, Dominique Boschero, Wandisa Guida, Luciano Pigozzi, Aldo Cecconi, Carla Calo, Franco Freda, Clement Harari, Jean Ozenne, Audry Fisher

More info: IMDb

Tagline: This Man Has No Name....Not Even a Number....but in his inside pocket rests the fate of the world!

Plot: An American CIA agent must find the whereabouts of valuable microfilm that was smuggled over by two Russian scientists who had been hoping to defect.

My rating: 5/10

Will I watch it again? No.

This Italian James Bond wannabe has better than average production values but there's no escaping that Richard Harrison plays Agent Fleming (ugh) too silly.  Roger Moore could pull off the aloof side of Bond but Harrison and his dialogue go way over the top.  He's got a bad quip for everything and he looks like he's the most badass dude on the planet and he expects everyone to bow down to his greatness.  Really.  It's that bad but in a silly, campy way.  Connery just needs to show up to look and feel badass.  Harrison's got a way about him that feels like he's got a continuous smirk (whether we see it or not).  It was a total turnoff and it hurts the picture.  As a spy movie goes there's more going on than usual for these lower budget 007 knockoffs which helps a little but it's not enough.  Even if the story were better there's no getting past how cocky Fleming is, going through life like everything is a joke and we owe him something.  Geez.

When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth (1970)

Director: Val Guest

Writers: Val Guest, J.G. Ballard

Composer: Mario Nascimbene

Starring: Victoria Vetri, Robin Hawdon, Patrick Allen, Drewe Henley, Sean Caffrey, Magda Konopka, Imogen Hassall, Patrick Hot and Jan Rossini as Rock Girl!

More info: IMDb

Tagline: Enter an age of unknown terrors, pagan worship and virgin sacrifice...

Plot: Set in the ancient past when humans and dinosaurs lived together, a small tribe is struggling to survive by giving a sacrifice of a blond woman to their god, the sun, in return for protection from the giant lizards and other creatures that preys on them. Sanna, one of the sacrificial offerings, finds herself on her own when a freak storm interrupts the ceremony. As she searches for a safe haven she encounters hostility from rival tribes and lots of huge and deadly dinosaurs.

My rating: 5/10

Will I watch it again?  Nope.

That's one reason to watch this movie.  The other, and just as important in my opinion, is for the abundance of stop motion dinosaur action.  It's actually good (both the animation and the boobage).  The story is simple.  It's hilarious that all of the blondes get sacrificed...but only when their of age and HOT!  Why would you go through the trouble and expense of raising them?  I guess god only wants them when their ripe for the plucking.  I can't blame him.  The language spoken was made up for the picture.  I would've preferred they spoke English.  This movie is dull and slow but at least the music is good, the women are hot and barely clothed and the dinosaur animation is good.  And then there's that one scene that can make all the difference...

Make that two scenes.  Fun fact:  This move begins by telling us that the moon had not yet formed.  Then suddenly at the end, it shows up out of nowhere causing the ocean to be turbulent and cause chaos on the cave people's beach resort, thus sending our heroes on a boat to an unknown future.  No kidding.

My Darling Clementine (1946)

Director: John Ford

Writers: Samuel G. Engel, Winston Miller, Sam Hellman, Stuart N. Lake

Composer: Cyril J. Mockridge

Starring: Henry Fonda, Linda Darnell, Victor Mature, Cathy Downs, Walter Brennan, Tim Holt, Ward Bond, Alan Mowbray, John Ireland, Roy Roberts, Jane Darwell, Grant Withers

More info: IMDb

Tagline:  Into the West came Clementine...Out of the West it comes!

Plot:  The Earps battle the Clantons at the OK Corral in Tombstone, Arizona.

My rating: 7.5/10

Will I watch it again?  Yes.

Well that was a lifetime of buildup for not such a great film.  Geez.  All my life (nearly 50 years) I've heard nothing but amazing things about this picture and, even though I'm shocked that it took this long to see it, it doesn't live up to its reputation.  It's a good movie but not what I've heard since I was a kid that it was one of the greatest Westerns ever.  The scenery is magnificent (I've been to Tombstone a couple of times and it looks nothing like the movie).  It's drop dead gorgeous.  Fonda is great.  What I liked most about him is the little things he'd do when he was bored.  That stuff just tickled me to death and it made him more human.  The cast does a fine job but the problem I have is that this well-known and often told story is far from the truth which is more interesting than this fiction.  Aside from the names, there's not much resembling what happened.  Nevertheless, it's an enjoyable film and worth a look. That last kill minutes from the end is brutal.  Someday I'll revisit it and maybe I'll see then more than what I see now.  At that time I won't have a lifetime of buildup.  

I Am Sartana, Trade Your Guns for a Coffin (1970)

Original title: C'e Sartana...Vendi la Pistola e Comprati la Bara!

Director: Giuliano Carnimeo

Writer: Tito Carpi

Composer: Francesco De Masi

Starring: George Hilton, Charles Southwood, Erika Blanc, Piero Lulli, Linda Sini, Nello Pazzafini, Carlo Gaddi, Aldo Barberito

More info: IMDb

Tagline: Sartana lights the fuse and all hell breaks loose!

Plot: Sartana, bounty hunter and gunfighter, witnesses the robbery of a shipment of gold. He finds his way into town where he meets with a lot of suspicious stares from the locals. He also meets with Samuel Spencer, who seems to own the company in this company town. The gold shipments are being stolen, so Spencer agrees to hire Sartana to protect the next gold shipment. Numerous dull-witted villains make attempts on Sartana's life, but he survives. Eventually, Sartana's nemesis Sabbath rides into town. With a showdown inevitable, Sartana and Sabbath square off to settle the score.

My rating: 6/10

Will I watch it again?  No.

The anamorphic widescreen version I saw was a German print where someone did the nice thing and married it to an English dub.  The German title translates to DJANGO AND SABATA...LIKE BLOODY VULTURES whereas the original Italian title translates to THERE'S SARTANA...SELL THE GUN AND BUY THE COFFIN.  There is no one in this film named Django (which was typical as a lot of movies capitalized on the super hit DJANGO (1966)) George Hilton plays Sartana and Charles Southwood plays Sabath (in the English dub).  There's a lot of confusion if you pay attention to the this crap which I generally don't but it's interesting in some mundane way to point it out.   It's a slightly above average Spaghetti Western which is surprising considering the talent involved where most of the cast and crew had done a lot of them by this point.  Sartana is trying to be too cool for school but he comes off more of a joke than a badass.  Lee Van Cleef can pull it off but not Hilton.  He's got the look but the dub, story and dialogue diminish it.  There are a few little turns and surprises which makes it a little more interesting than the average Spag but it's not enough to save it.