The Punisher: Dirty Laundry (2012)

Director: Phil Joanou

Writer: Chad St. John

Composer: N/A, music from THE DARK KNIGHT (2008) by James Newton Howard & Hans Zimmer

Starring: Thomas Jane, Ron Perlman, Shannon Collis, Sammi Rotibi, Brandee Tucker, Karlin Walker

More info: IMDb

Tagline: What's the difference between justice & punishment?

Plot: Frank Castle, a.k.a. 'The Punisher', wakes up in a run-down neighborhood and leaves his van to do his laundry. On his way to the laundromat, he witnesses a gang led by Goldtooth assaulting a group of prostitutes, but minds his own business. But when the gang mugs a boy named DeShawn, Frank goes to a convenience store to buy a bottle of Jack Daniel's and use it to club the thugs to death before crippling Goldtooth and pouring the whiskey on him for one of the prostitutes to set the gang leader on fire.

My rating: 10/10

Will I watch it again? Yes. Shit, I'm ready to watch right now, minutes after seeing it for the third time.   AHHHHHHHHH this is amazing.

I've got to go a solid 10 out of 10 on this one.  It is sofa king awesome!  The setup is nicely paced and the film makers do a great job at making it clear that something needs to happen to these douchebags and that it's intensely painful waiting on Frank (Jane) to finally do something.  His interaction with Big Mike (Perlman) in the corner shop was a wonderful motivation builder.  But it's when the shit hits the fan and Frank goes batshit on these assholes that the film really excels.  That Jack Daniels bottle is my hero.  And boy oh boy what a beating that bottle gives and it never breaks.  The small break after the gang leader is doused with Jack and ready to light up like a birthday cake is some more great suspense.  But then it's what happens between Frank and the kid when the kid looks at what's in his hands, THAT is a great "FUCK YEAH", punch the air moment and it's the perfect cap to a super fun 10 minute film made by movie professionals who were fans of Jane's film, THE PUNISHER (2004). It's astonishing what you can do inside of ten minutes.  Somebody needs to get Phil Joanou to make a Punisher movie with Jane.  He's more than proven himself here.

Nekromantik (1988)

Director: Jorg Buttgereit

Writers: Jorg Buttgereit, Franz Rodenkirchen

Composers: Hermann Kopp, Bernd Daktari Lorenz, John Boy Walton

Starring: Bernard Daktari Lorenz, Beatrice Manowski, Harald Lundt, Colloseo Schulzendorf, Henri Boeck, Clemens Schwender, Jorg Buttgereit, Holger Suhr, Volker Haputvogel, Harald Weiss

More info: IMDb

Tagline: Death is just the Beginning

Plot: A street sweeper who cleans up after grisly accidents brings home a full corpse for him and his wife to enjoy sexually, but is dismayed to see that his wife prefers the corpse over him.

My rating: 6.5/10

Will I watch it again? Yes, but I'll fast forward to get to the good stuff.

This is one of those notorious movies you might be lucky enough to have heard of.  Most people haven't.  If you like fucked up shit like I do then you've got to have this in your collection.  The big downside is the slow pacing.  Even at 71 minutes it drags.  There's some weird stuff that feels out of place as if it's art house filler.  What really sizzles is the love scene with decomposing body!

Because you don't want to get pregnant, right?  That's a lead pipe, btw, shoved into the crotch of the corpse to get that special satisfaction.

There's some really dark humor in this that will have you howling.  Is it strange?  You bet your sweet ass it is but it's also a great fucked up flick to show with your friends.  The ending is off the charts insanely awesome and it gets better with the final shot.  Great shit.  But really, after all of that, it's the killing and skinning the rabbit scene that I have trouble watching.  I can see grisly fake shit all day long but killing an animal on film isn't something I can stomach. That's up there with jump scares as far as gimmicks to get people to react uneasily to.  They're both cheap and uncalled for.  Anyway, it's the corpse fucking that brought you to watch this in the first place, right? Even though this isn't the home run I was anticipating, it's still a lot of fun and I'm glad I finally watched it after hearing about it more than twenty years ago.  Oh, and you're going to want to watch the cleverly titled, NEKROMANTIK 2 (1991).  It's not as good but it's got some crazy shit that you just have to see.

The Punisher (2004)

Director: Jonathan Hensleigh

Writers: Jonathan Hensleigh, Michael France

Composer: Carlo Siliotto

Starring: Thomas Jane, John Travolta, Roy Scheider, Rebecca Romijn, John Pinette, Will Patton, Ben Foster, Laura Elena Harring, Kevin Nash

More info: IMDb

Tagline: This Is Not Revenge. It's Punishment!

Plot: An undercover FBI agent becomes a vigilante assassin and sets out to unleash vengeance upon the corrupt businessman who slew his family.

My rating: 7/10

Will I watch it again? Sure.

Geez, I've seen this three times now, I think, and it's not as fun as it used to be.  Maybe it's the pacing. But then maybe it's Travolta's uninspiring performance as the villain.  Or how about the final assault by the Punisher on Saint's (Travolta) house barely lasts 10 minutes.  It feels like there's a lot in the middle that needs to be tightened up or changed altogether.  It's not a great film but it is fun. BUT, and this is a big one, it's got a great fucking classic line that one of my all time favorites. 

And for that, I can't say no to watching it again.

The Cremator (1969)

Original title: Spalovac Mrtvol

Director: Juraj Herz

Writers: Ladislav Fuks, Juraj Herz

Starring: Rudolf Hrusinsky, Vlasta Chramostova, Jana Stehnova, Milos Vognic, Zora Bozinova, Ilja Prachar, Eduard Kohout, Jiri Menzel, Mila Myslikova

More info: IMDb

Plot: Kopfrkingl enjoys his job at a crematorium in Czechoslovakia in the late 1930s. He likes reading the Tibetan book of the dead, and espouses the view that cremation relieves earthly suffering. At a reception, he meets Reineke, with whom he fought for Austria in the first World War. Reineke convinces Kopfrkingl to emphasize his supposedly German heritage, including sending his timid son to the German school. Reineke then suggests that Kopfrkingl's half-Jewish wife is holding back his advancement in his job.

My rating: 8.5/10

Will I watch it again? Yes.

I've seen this three times now over the past dozen years and it's still as mesmerizing as the first time.  Kopfrkingl (hauntingly played by Rudolf Hrusinsky) is with us the entire time.  We hear his thoughts as he descends into the madness that was the Nazi ideology of racial purity.  He's seduced by power to the point of killing his boss so he can take over the local crematorium but it doesn't stop there.  He looks at his family with suspect.  His wife is half Jewish and his two children are one quarter.  Should they live?  As he gets further sucked into this world he convinces himself that it would be an act of kindness and mercy to kill them as they have no place on this Earth.  Zdenek Liska's score is soothing and hypnotic as is  Hrusinsky's smooth and comforting voice.  If you didn't understand the language and just listened to the film, you'd have no idea that this film had such a dark subject.  Herz expertly, along with cinematographer Stanisalv Milota, take you on an unusual journey into the mind of a man who is slowly consumed by power and madness.  In the end, it's easier to look at those responsible, even in the smallest way, and see how powerful the Nazi propaganda machine was. 

I, Monster (1971)

Director: Stephen Weeks

Writers: Robert Louis Stevenson, Milton Subotsky

Composer: Carl Davis

Starring: Christopher Lee, Peter Cushing, Mike Raven, Richard Hurndall, George Merritt, Kenneth J. Warren, Susan Jameson, Marjie Lawrence, Aimee Delamain, Michael Des Barres, Lesley Judd, Ian McCulloch

More info: IMDb

Tagline: The face of evil is ugly to look upon. And as the pleasures increase, the face becomes uglier!

Plot: Christopher Lee stars as Marlowe, a stuffy doctor who develops a formula to release inhibitions. When he takes it, Marlowe turns into the evil and repulsive Mr. Blake. The twist is that Blake gets uglier with each successive dose until he becomes a pitiful, ape-like monster. Peter Cushing co-stars as Marlowe's lawyer friend, and a young Chloe Franks appears with Mike Raven and Kenneth J. Warren.

My rating: 5.5/10

Will I watch it again? Nah.

You'd think that with Lee, Cushing and coming from Amicus that this would be a much better than average re-telling of the familiar Jekyll & Hyde story but it's not.  It's OK.  Lee feels rather stale and uninterested.  Cushing is good but his character needs more to do and more often.  The horror aspect is underplayed and it comes across more of a drama with sci-fi/horror elements.  But when you throw in the really relaxed pacing, it gets dull in spots.  All of this together made it a slugfest for me to endure.  And since it's a Jekyll & Hyde film, why did they change Lee's character to Marlowe & Blake?  They weren't fooling anyone, you know.

One Missed Call (2008)

Director: Eric Valette

Writers: Andrew Klavan, Yasushi Akimoto, Minako Daira

Composers: Reinhold Heil, Johnny Klimek

Starring: Shannyn Sossamon, Edward Burns, Ana Cludia Talancon, Ray Wise, Azura Skye, Johnny Lewis, Jason Beghe, Margaret Cho, Meagan Good, Rhoda Griffis, Dawn Dininger, Ariel Winter

More info: IMDb

Tagline: What will it sound like when you die?

Plot: Several people start receiving voice-mails from their future selves - messages which include the date, time, and some of the details of their deaths.

My rating:  4/10

Will I watch it again? No.

Here's another 'hot, young people getting killed in a gimmicky, supernatural way' Americanized remake of popular Japanese horror film.  I haven't seen the original 2003 Japanese film. In fact, I was unaware that there was one until after watching this.  I'm so turned off by this one that I'm not sure I even want to revisit the original.  Is it worth it?  I did like seeing Margaret Cho in a dramatic role of a police detective.  And then there's Ray Wise.  He's a welcome sight. Other than that, I was bored and most of that was because I didn't care about any of the kids that were dying.  The 8-note ring tone was catchy but even that got old.  It seemed like it should have been either used less or they should have spent more time trying for a more sinister set of notes.  Sometimes less is more.  Oh, then there's the jump scares.  Ugh.  Don't answer this one if it comes a'callin'. 

Zatoichi 2: The Tale of Zatoichi Continues (1962)

Original title: Zoku Zatoichi Monogatari

Director: Kazuo Mori

Writers: Minoru Inuzuka, Kan Shimozawa

Composer: Ichiro Saito

Starring: Shintaro Katsu, Yaeko Mizutani, Masayo banri, Tomisaburo wakayama, Yutaka Nakamura, Sonosuke Sawamura, Shosaku Sugiyama

More info: IMDb

Plot: Blind swordsman/masseur Zatoichi is pursued by the retainers of a lord who fear that he will reveal a secret weakness of their master. Returning to the village where a year before he had killed Hirate, a much-admired opponent, Zatoichi encounters another swordsman and former rival in love: his own brother. He must face in combat not only the pursuing retainers but his own flesh-and-blood.

My rating: 8/10

Will I watch it again?  Yes.

I've only seen a small few of the 25 films in the 60s/70s Shintaro Katsu series and they're all very good so far.    Like many in this series, there isn't an awful lot of sword play but there are generally a couple of little scenes and one big one at the end.  The opening has some ruffians going up against a one-armed swordsman and he does a fine job of handling himself.  Nice.

Zatoichi gets into a scrap with some numbskulls bent on killing him for knowing that their master is gay.  That doesn't go well for them.  Had they just watched the first movie they would have know what they were up against.  It's pretty quiet until the final act where, in the last fifteen minutes, we get the big ass showdown we knew was coming.

Besides the great action, much of this final act is without music.  it's a nice touch.  The fight lasts a few short minutes and then it's up to Zatoichi to help the wounded one-armed swordsman.

It looks like it's curtains for both of them but we know something they don't, there's going to be more than twenty more films after this and it's all grade-A ass kickin' stuff.  And the ending to this one is pretty ballsy.  I won't spoil it but it is unusual.