Blood Tide (1982)

Director: Richard Jefferies

Starring: James Earl Jones, Jose Ferrer, Lila Kedrova, Mary Louise Weller, Martin Kove, Lydia Cornell, Deborah Shelton

More info: IMDb

Tagline: Evil lurks in the Ocean Depths

Plot: An adventurer hunting for treasure in Greece accidentally frees a monster that forces local villagers to sacrifice virgins.

My rating: 4/10

Will I watch it again? Nah.

Maybe, JUST maybe I would have liked this more if I watched a clean widescreen print instead of a fuzzy VHS fullscreen one.  James Earl Jones is not only the best thing about this (he's fun) but the only reason to see it. The acting is fine, although Ferrer phoned it in, and the story is average and typical but the score (Jerry Mosely) was ineffectual and the pacing was dreary.  It's slow.  I started watching this with a fun group of movie friends who can appreciate and dig on movies like this but we gave up after a half hour.  Naturally I had to finish it.  It's a good thing I'm going to live forever and I've got unlimited hours to spend watching shit like this instead of playing out in the street with the other kids.

Hoffa (1992)

Director: Danny DeVito

Starring: Jack Nicholson, Danny DeVito, Armand Assante, J.T. Walsh, John C. Reilly, Frank Whaley, Kevin Anderson, John P. Ryan, Robert Prosky

More info: IMDb

Tagline: He was capable of anything. He wasn't afraid of anyone. That's why everyone was afraid of him.

Plot: Jack Nicholson's portrait of Union leader James R. Hoffa, as seen through the eyes of his friend, Bobby Ciaro (Danny DeVito). The film follows Hoffa through his countless battles with the RTA and President Roosevelt all the way to his disappearance in 1975.

My rating: 10/10

Will I watch it again? Duh.

Twenty years ago I caught this one in the theater with my mom.  She liked it but I was blown away.  A few months earlier I had interviewed the composer, David Newman, for a film music radio show I had in college and it was killing me that this hadn't come out before then so I could discuss it with him.  It's his best score (from what I've heard so far and he's got some great ones) and one of my all time favorites.  I've heard it hundreds of times in the twenty years since.

There's not a note I would change regarding this film in any aspect.  Jack Nicholson IS Jimmy Hoffa.  You might notice Jack for a few minutes but it isn't long before you're completely absorbed into what he's doing and how he's doing it.  What a performance!  If that's not enough, there's not a weak performance from anyone.  DeVito nails it, Riley nails it and damn it if Armand Asssante isn't one of the handsomest guys in the business.  I'm not gay but I could be if he showed up.  Good looking bastard. 

 

Over the years I've heard and read from a lot of people who poo poo DeVito's direction, citing mostly that his scene transitions are too showy.  I never felt that.  I liked the flow of the film from start to finish.  It's a movie not a documentary.  If I should ever meet DeVito I'll probably gush like a fanboy about nothing else but this picture.  This movie fills me full of emotion.  It grabs me from the opening notes of Newman's tender score and doesn't let go even for one moment.  I don't care how accurate it is.  I know the real guy was probably better or worse than he's portrayed depending on who you ask but I'm not watching a documentary; I'm watching a movie and a damn fine one at that.

The Green Hornet (2011)

Director: Michel Gondry

Starring: Seth Rogen, Jay Chou, Cameron Diaz, Tom Wilkinson, Christoph Waltz, David Harbour, Edward James Olmos, Jamie Harris, Chad Coleman, Edward Furlong

More info: IMDb

Tagline: Protect the law by breaking it.

Plot: Following the death of his father, Britt Reid, heir to his father's large company, teams up with his late dad's assistant Kato to become a masked crime fighting team.

 

My rating: 5.5/10

Will I watch it again? Noooooo.

I'm not going to waste much time on this one.  I watched the trailer before it hit the theaters and I didn't like the tone.  Now I like Seth Rogan but he was miscast by a country mile.  So I finally get around to slapping the DVD in a few weeks ago (I'm a few hundred movies behind in updating this site - work will do that sometimes) and my initial feelings about the trailer were right, despite giving this flick a clean slate.  The script and comedic angle didn't work.  Christoph Waltz's (the ONLY reason I wanted to see this)  talent was wasted.  His role was very weak.  He didn't have much to work with.  Jay Chou was the best part of the movie.  I kept hoping he'd kill Rogan and take over.  It's always fun watching Tom Wilkinson and seeing some familiar faces.  It's a wasted opportunity and a two hour one at that.  It had no business being that long.  I'm always astounded when a studio will take a known property like The Green Hornet and ruin a big-budget movie like this one, killing any number of chances of kick-starting a franchise and a great opportunity for merchandising.  I guess I can say I'm pleased there won't be a sequel.  I'm sure they'll re-boot this in four years.

Alone in the Dark (2005)

Director: Uwe Boll

Starring: Christian Slater, Tara Reid, Stephen Dorff, Frank C. Turner, Matthew Walker, Will Sanderson, Mark Acheson, Darren Shahlavi

More info: IMDb

Tagline: Evil awakens.

Plot: Based on the video game, Alone in the Dark focuses on Edward Carnby, a detective of the paranormal, who slowly unravels mysterious events with deadly results.

 

My rating: 5/10

Will I watch it again? Nope.

I've never played the video game this is based on but I can only hope it's more fun and exciting than this.  And I never thought I'd live to see the day where I would say that Christian Slater is the best thing this picture has going for it.  I kind of liked him.  Hell, I felt sorry for the guy that he was even in it.  I'm not going to join the bashing bandwagon this picture has garnered because it's not THAT bad, but it is uninteresting.  I can't even think of what it was that made it so unmemorable.  Some of the dialogue was poorly written and delivered (I'm looking at you, Tara Reid, but you're not the only one so don't get all pissed at me for point only you out.  Hell, I'm jealous that you're even in a bad movie 'cause I haven't been in a single one).  I guess I just wasn't interested.  The characters didn't pull me in and the story sure didn't.  It's just a middle of the road horror picture that's neither here nor there.  Blah.

Face/Off (1997)

Director: John Woo

Starring: John Travolta, Nicolas Cage, Joan Allen, Alessandro Nivola, Gina Gershon, Dominique Swain, Nick Cassavetes, Margaret Cho, Thomas Jane

More info: IMDb

Tagline: In order to catch him, he must become him.

Plot: FBI Special Agent Sean Archer tries to find a biological weapon placed in Los Angeles by a sadistic terrorist-for-hire and criminal mastermind named Castor Troy. Archer has hunted Troy for the last 8 years, and is consumed by revenge because Troy is responsible for the death of Archer's son. To do this, Archer must "borrow" Troy's face using a surgical procedure to go undercover as Troy, but things go wrong when Troy assumes the identity of Archer.

 

My rating: 7.5/10

Will I watch it again? Yeah.

The premise is ridiculous as shit and I'm shocked that as dumb as it sounds (and Hollywood embraces stupid like a fat kid loves cake) the right people were brought on board to turn this into a surprisingly fun picture.  I really enjoy this flick.  It's been at least a decade since I saw it last and I still get a kick out of it.  Part of it is John Woo's direction and action sequences.  The other is Travolta and Cage getting all wacky and trying to act like each other.  It's super fun.  I do have to point out how long the picture is.  It needs a trim.  I could do without Travolta's character dealing with his dead son subplot.  I'm not saying axe the whole thing, I think it's important to the character's motivation, but it was harped on too much and there's a scene 2/3 of the way through that goes on forever about it and it feels like re-treading something we all know anyway.  Then there's the ending with bringing the kid into the family.  The wife and teenage daughter sure as fuck accept this little boy as theirs awfully quick.  Really?  He shows up at the door and they're all smiles and open arms and shit?  Whatever.  Other than that, I really dig this over-the-top, big budget, goofy premise extravaganza.

Sleepaway Camp II: Unhappy Campers (1988)

Director: Michael A. Simpson

Starring: Pamela Springsteen, Renee Estevez, Tony Higgins, Valerie Hartman, Brian Patrick Clarke, Walter Gotell, Susan Marie Snyder, Terry Hobbs

More info: IMDb

Tagline: When you go camping just take the essentials

Plot: Angela Baker has undergone years of therapy, electro-shock and sexual reassignment surgeries, and finally landed herself a job in the last place she should be working - camp rolling hills. She has an old fashioned approach as to how camp should be, and an old familiar deadly way of making sure that those who don't follow her rules don't get to come back next summer.

My rating: 6.5/10

Will I watch it again? Yeah.

So me and the fellas were looking for something to slap in (gee, that doesn't sound right, does it?) for some entertainment and it had to be 80s horror that had some promise of gore and nudity.  After a half hour of searching through my collection we settled on this one.  From the first couple of minutes you get some kills and then at the 6:02 mark...

 
How do you like them apples?  What do you guys think?

I though so.


This picture fulfilled our immature desires that night for some good ole 80s horror excess.  It's actually quite fun to watch and seeing it with a group of friends is definitely the way to go.  There's so much to goof on and enjoy.  The acting is about what you'd expect and the lead (played by Pamela Springsteen) is either so-bad-she's-good or she's just really good at being obnoxious and annoying.  I got the impression that she was a TV sitcom actress (she's not) but it turns out her first film was FAST TIMES AT RIDGEMONT HIGH (1982) which automatically puts her on my list of gals that need to have my babies.

Say, look who's on TV!

This picture was a good deal of fun and it was the perfect movie for what we were looking for.  It's campy (ahahahahahahahahahahaha), loaded with kills and nudity, questionable acting (which helps, trust me), a pretty brisk pace, you can tell everyone involved set out to make a fun slasher, KIDS DIE (!) and it's all wrapped up in 80 minutes.  Not a bad after-dinner snack.  Oh, and it's got two things you don't expect - you know who the killer is from the get-go, something unusual to the slasher genre, and you get an appearance by General Gogol from the Roger Moore Bond pictures (Walter Gotell)!  I'm happy.  SLEEPAWAY CAMP (1983) was fun but this second picture made it more so.  Bring on part 3!

Killer Klowns from Outer Space (1988)

Director: Stephen Chiodo

Starring: Grant Cramer, Suzanne Snyder, John Allen Nelson, John Vernon, Michael Siegel, Peter Licassi, Royal Dano, Christopher Titus

More info: IMDb

Tagline: In Space No One Can Eat Ice Cream!

Plot: When a small town is invaded by aliens from outer space who are capturing and killing the townspeople, no one takes them seriously. Why? The aliens all look like circus clowns, use weapons that look clown like, and all have painted on smiles. Only a few of the young people in the town realize the danger and of course no one believes them. Armed with an ice cream truck they try and rescue their friends.

My rating: 7/10

Will I watch it again? Yup.

What a gas this was.  The creators scored a major boost by hiring the great John Vernon.  Just about every line he delivers is hilarious and his moment when he's manipulated by the aliens is priceless (and damn creepy)!  Vernon aside, the acting is bad to OK with John Allen Nelson giving the most intense performance in the picture (and probably his career).  He is so hardcore serious in the role that it's as if he's going for the Oscar and O...M...F...G is it hysterical!  When you watch this just pay attention to every little thing he does and you'll be howling with laughter.  I have no idea if really meant to give such an intense performance or if it was part of the joke.  Either way, I was about in tears with laughter thanks to that guy.  Awesome!  The rest of the picture is as fun as the title suggests.  There were some neat, clever special effects and some funny gags and it doesn't overstay its welcome.  This is definitely one of those movies you want to watch with a group.

One of my favorite jokes...

Two cannibals are eating a clown when one turns to the other and says, "Does this taste funny to you?".  Ahahahahahahahahahaha.

Oh, and here's another...

What's funnier than a dead baby?  A dead baby wearing a clown costume.

Now that you hate me, thank you for visiting my blog.