Heroes Without Glory (1971)

Director: Alfredo Rizzo

Starring: Jeff Cameron and desert full of Italians

More Info: IMDB

Plot: 1942. The Anglo-American Army and the Africa Corps are face-to-face in the desert, separated by some mine-fields which the soldiers have named "the devil's garden". A huge German fuel deposit supplies Rommel's army in North Africa and an allied "commando" has to blow it up. Commanded by an English major, the patrol, after various ups and downs, is reduced to only six men and three prisoners: a chaplain, a Red Cross nurse both German, and an Italian Lieutenant. These three persuade the others to give up their task and follow them in search of the tomb of Pharaoh Cambyse and its fabulous treasure. But an ancient curse lies on the gold, which causes the death of whoever finds it.

My Rating: 4/10

Would I watch it again? ONLY if a nice, widescreen print surfaced


I watched a VHS copy with Greek subs hard-coded and it's a shitty pan & scan print at that. A nice widescreen print would have helped but not much. This one's not good. It's silly and amateurish.

I don't know what it is but it seems that even the Italians make the Arabs into buffoons. I've watched quite a few WWII North African campaign movies this year, made from the 1940s on up, and most of them turn the Arabs into comic relief. I could seriously do without that. These films don't need the "funny" and it's rarely ever funny anyway.

"Laaaaaadyyyyy"

Back to the shitty film...so we're following these guys through the desert for about 45 minutes when they come across a small oasis and, after yet another firefight, they find three survivors, one priest, nurse and a wounded Italian soldier. They're all phonies as they're looking for treasure. WTF? Yup. But we don't know that yet.


It's nearly an hour into the 92 minute picture that the jig is up. Now all of the commandos are on a treasure hunt. They come across an important landmark - a rock bridge! The only rock in a sea of sand! Yeah, great fucking way to hide your treasure. Whatever.


At this point the film shifts. It's now a treasure hunt and everyone turns on the British commanding officer to go after the treasure instead of completing their mission. 15 minutes later they've got all the treasure they can carry when they're attacked by non-funny Arabs (a nice change of pace). Now that that's over with, it's time to relax at the nearest oasis and dream of spending all that newly-found loot and booty.


Say, speaking of booty, the nurse gives us a nice WTF moment by doing what any lone woman would do in a situation like this...get naked and bathe in the water supply just yards from battle-worn soldiers.


Don't get me wrong. At this point it's a nice WTF diversion. I'm ready for this turd to end, and for them to throw this into the mix 15 minutes before it's over was welcomed indeed.


Oh, the priest (who's not a priest we soon discover - but we kind of figured that anyway) is eying her as she bathes, can't take it any longer and tries to slip her his own brand of communion. Big fight and once the dust settles they're attacked by more Arabs. I guess these guys are pissed at how they were portrayed at the start of the picture. Geez. Talk about holding a grudge.


By now the squad is reduced to the British Major, the nurse and some soldier whose name I've forgotten but he's been a HUGE pain in the ass for the Major and he tried to kill the Major at some point. I bring this up because...


They reach the fuel depot they're supposed to blow up and the Major sacrifices himself for the mission and the other cat with the nurse go riding off into the sunset. Well, there's not really a sunset because it's dark but we know they make it because as soon as the depot is kaput, there's a shot of a sub surfacing in the darkness. I assume the two kids make it. Great! Asshole gets the girl and I just lost 92 minutes of my life.


Coriolano Gori's score fits the bill nicely even if sounding an awful lot like John Barry's main theme from ZULU (1964). The direction is sloppy and, for the most part, I just didn't care about hardly any of the characters. The action is OK at best with everyone being shot throwing their arms in the air as they die. Typical low budget WWII fare. It's sad my little Euro WWII binge ended with this one. Almost. I did redeem myself with an amazing British picture called, ICE-COLD IN ALEX (1958). It turned out to be the best WWII film I've seen in a long time. But HEROES WITHOUT GLORY stinks on ice. Pee-yew.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003)

Director: Marcus Nispel

Starring: R. Lee Ermey & Jessica Biel

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: What you know about fear... doesn't even come close.

Plot: A group of friends passing through a small Texas town are stalked and hunted down by a deformed killer with a chainsaw. Yawns ensue.

My Rating: 6

Would I watch it again? I'm on the fence but I would see the first one several times before I'd let that happen




My thoughts on this movie are spoiler laden.

There are really only three reasons why you need to see this film.

1) R.
2) Lee
3) Ermey

"Holy dog shit. Texas? Only steers and queers come from Texas, Private Cowboy. And you don't look much like a steer to me so that kinda narrows it down. Do you suck dicks?"

He's head and shoulders the best thing about this flick. It's been a number of years since I saw the original (my first time, even) and I remember being creeped-out by it due to the rawness of the look and feel as well as the magnificently simple and effective sound design. This one strips the originality and hunger from the 1974 classic and delivers a slick, uninteresting remake to the un-knowing mass of children who eat this drivel up, all-the-while believing that being grossed-out is the same as fear and horror.

I'm not going to go on some long-ass tear about this film. I should. Hell, I'm giving it a 6/10 so it can't be that bad. It's entertaining on a base level. If it wasn't called THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE I would have a slightly higher opinion about it...but it's FUCKING CALLED THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE!!! When you set out to remake a classic film such as this you're just asking for trouble when you change a bunch of shit that should never be tampered with!!!


The good...I'm not lying when I tell you that Ermey is the truly greatest thing about it. He steals every scene he's in. Too bad the movie's not really about him but other characters that he's not. It's pretty obvious how Biel got the job as the lead & lone survivor. I'm-a bettin' it's the Doublemint Sweater Meat Twins (that'd be the pair on the left).


She does have a lovely figure and she's given her fair share of scenes of running and light jogging. She does a fine job. I'll give her that much. But then it's not like a role like this is going to go to a top actress (don't confuse actress with movie star). Right off the bat we're introduced to five characters I don't care about. I want them dead, and not that one-by-one dead. I'm talking about a quick and painful death that leaves plenty of room for the film makers to introduce more interesting characters that we can get to know before they get cut up.

MAJOR Error! The girl on the right has her top on backwards!

BIG-ASS GRIPE #1 - This takes place in 1973, right? WHY THE FUCK DO THESE KIDS NOT LOOK LIKE IT'S NINETEEN SEVENTY-FUCKING-THREE? Seriously! There's nothing vintage about this movie except for the van they're in. It takes more than sideburns and a beat up car, people, to establish time. They aren't even trying. And you know how I feel about Southern accents in movies. BIG-ASS GRIPE #2 - This takes place in Texas, right? WHY THE FUCK DO MOST OF THE LOCALS SOUND LIKE THEY LIVE IN KANSAS? Seriously! Take Ermey and two of the older women out of the equation and you're left with a bunch of plain ol' middle American accents that sound as far away from Texas as Seattle.


BIG-ASS GRIPE #3 - KNIFE "SCHWINGS". There's a scene when a character simply picks up a knife off a table. Not from a sheath or anything but off a fucking table. In the real world there would be little to no sound but here we get the exciting "schwing" sound effect. I half expected Errol Flynn to come busting through the door and fight some skeletons emerging from the ground or something. BIG-ASS GRIPE #4 - CAMERA WALK-BY "SWOOSHES". There are several moments when a character/victim is in the background looking everywhere but at the camera when a shadowy figure "swooshes" by the camera. It's like everything Hollywood ever learned about sound effects they learned from watching chop-socky movies from the 70s....except for sound designer Ben Burtt, of course. If he'd done this movie there'd be the prerequisite Wilhelm screams. Ugh!

"EEE-AWW EEE-AWWW"

OK, I distinctly remember the family from TCM '74 being cannibals. For me, this is a HUGE oversight in the remake. That's a pretty big omission. Didn't seen Leatherface's face in the original. You do here. They give his killin' ass a back story so we can, sort of, understand where he's coming from. Whatever. The original was partially effective because we didn't know. We didn't need to. That's a huge problem these days in Hollywood, having to know the "whys" and needing that back story. I don't need it. SO FUCKING WHAT! Oh, he was picked on as a kid. Wahhhhhhhhh. Jesus Titty-Fucking Christ on a Unicycle, I'm gonna bust out cryin'. I don't care about what motivates Leatherface just as I don't care about what motivate other horror legends like Michael Meyers, Jason Voorhees and Joan Rivers.


It was cool to hear John Larroquette's narration at the start of the film just like he did for the original. And seeing Leatherface wear the face of Biel's boyfriend was pretty badass. That put a smile on my beleaguered face.

And the ending? Give me a fucking break. Biel escapes but not before she rescues an infant from the clutches of the evil Hewitt family. Just fucking kill me. Run my sorry ass over and kill me now. They could have at least given us an unhappy ending. We've earned it. Well, I have, anyway.


I see that Ermey is back in the prequel to the remake that came three years later in 2006! Read that last sentence again and wrap your brain around it! Only because of Ermey will THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE: THE BEGINNING play in my house. Listen up, Numbnuts!

Commandos (1968)

Director: Armando Crispino

Starring: Lee Van Cleef, Jack Kelly

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: Seven men who stood between Rommel's Afrika Korps and ultimate victory.

Plot: Sgt. Sullivan puts together a group of Italian-Americans into disguise as Italian soldiers in order to infiltrate a North African camp held by the Italians. Sullivan's commandos are to hold this camp and its weaponry until an American battalion arrives, all the while these Italian-Americans pretend to be Italian soldiers, often hosting the enemy. Lt. Valli is a young, "green," by-the-book officer who is constantly at odds with Sgt. Sullivan, an experienced soldier.

My Rating: 8/10

Would I watch it again? Ja!


Earlier this week I began what became four nights of four Italian WWII films from '68-'71. COMMANDOS started this mini genre fest. How did that happen? 'CAUSE COMMANDOS KICKS FUCKING ASS!


It's criminally got a bad rating on imdb. I loved it. It's much more than you would expect from a picture of this ilk. It's got LOTS of action, suspense, some humor, a little T&A and, dare I say it, character development!


Lee Van Cleef was an established international badass by this point. Because of films like FOR A FEW DOLLARS MORE (1965) and THE GOOD, THE BAD AND THE UGLY (1966), Cleef shot to the top of popularity in Italy and was, for the first time in his life, getting consistent lead roles. In COMMANDOS he continues his badassness as MSgt. Sullivan, one of three survivors from a battle with the Japanese. Why on three survivors? It's because his superior officer wanted to make a name for himself and risked the lives of his men. As a result, Sullivan has an EXTREME distaste for his new superior officer, Captain Valli (Kelly).


I didn't realize it but in all four of these movies I've watched this week they all share this similar theme. Hmmmmm. Anyway, we get moments when Sullivan has flashbacks to the island where that bloody battle took place and he does some genuine acting, outside of his badassicityness of course. He's the only one who's concerned about Valli's ability as a leader as he's never experienced combat and, more so, Valli's poor decision making like when they raid the desert depot and Valli, having previously stated that they will take no prisoners, takes prisoners. This leads to endangering the entire outfit and Sullivan's PISSED! He knows by keeping them alive Valli is endangering the mission.

What's the mission? Simple. Infiltrate and replace an Italian-guarded oasis (fuel depot for the Germans and Italians) until the American forces arrive.


There's TONS of suspense and action and it delivers everything you'd expect in a WWII actioner. What you don't expect to find is how well the characters are defined. You've basically got three different camps - the Americans disguised as Italians, the Italians and the Germans (not Nazis - I'll explain later). There's no animosity between the groups other than it's war and they have their duty to destroy the enemy.


The Americans are, as is natural in these films, a fun-loving bunch. We only get to know a small handful of them. The same goes with the Italian prisoners and their commanding officer. They all have some sort of personality which gets doled out here and there, like them or not. And then there are the Germans who visit the depot for fuel, food and HOOKER ACTION which we don't get because the Yanks have given her knock-out drops to keep her from talking to the enemy. She wants to make money and the Americans won't let her. She should've called the Better Business Bureau.

YOWZA! Gotsta LOVE them wartime Italian hookers!

Anyway, the Germans, like the Italians and the Americans, are portrayed as REAL people; not some stereotype evil bastards you get in the US WWII films. In COMMANDOS you've only got the head German officer who's kind of nasty but then he's suspicious of the sudden new crew at the depot. He's not an evil asshole. He's a soldier doing his job. The rest are just having fun. We do get the displaced German low-ranking officer who was an entomologist before the war and really doesn't want to be there. Can't blame him. He's very civilized and finds a friend in the American CO, Valli, who shares his taste in poetry. It's a genuine moment and I kind of felt bad for the guy because, if not for the war, they could very well be good friends.


Mario Nascimbene's score is rather odd but brilliantly so. He incorporates the medieval song of death, the Dies Irae, into the score. Nothing strange there. But there's the initial raid on the oasis. He uses a drone tone when the camera is on the commandos and uses a slightly higher-pitched tone for the oasis/Italians. At first I was taken aback by the whole thing but after a couple of minutes it seem to work extremely well. I felt as if, as a student of film and music, I had learned/experienced something valuable. It's a nice balance to the action we're watching, much like in modern war films where you hear a slow, somber orchestral piece over incredible violence. I've taken that idea one step further by always having Samuel Barber's "Adagio for Strings" ready to play whenever I start some ass-kicking. It throws off your opponent and there's a built-in soundtrack for everyone filming the scuffle on their phones. Bonus!

I forgot. There's action.

THE DIRTY SPOILERS.....

The Italians escape, causing the Americans to give chase in a great action sequence through the desert. The German commander, at his HQ, discovers the American ruse and sends troops to eliminate them. HUGE fucking firefight where Sullivan saves Valli (nice moment shared between the two actors). The battle leaves two men standing; one American and one German. After a long stare-down, the American throws his machine gun down and the German follows. They start to bury the dead. Cue overhead helicopter shot pulling away.

END OF SPOILERS...Yarrrrrrr

GREAT FUCKING CLIMAX! I did not see that coming.



This film's loaded with everything you'd expect and then some. I was so excited at coming across this gem that I started watching more in my collection that I had never gotten around to. They didn't live up to the bar set by COMMANDOS but then few could. They were enjoyable and I certainly won't stop looking that next great film, 90 minutes at a time.

Battle of the Commandos (1969)

Director: Umberto Lenzi

Starring: Jack Palance, Wolfgang Preiss, Thomas Hunter & Curd Jurgens

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: They Challenged the Devil... and Won!

Plot: The story focuses on a band of British ex-cons, who are recruited by Scottish Colonel MacPherson (Jack Palance) to clear a path for British commandos through a minefield off the Normandy coast on the night of June 4th, 1944. When the commando force is ambushed by a German PT Boat, MacPherson becomes obsessed with taking on their mission: destroy a huge railroad gun which threatens the imminent Allied landings, which happens to be commanded by his nemesis, Colonel Ackerman (Wolfgang Preiss), much to the dismay of his men.

My Rating: 7/10

Would I watch it again? Oh, yeah!

And here's the second of three Italian WWII pictures I watched this week...and it's fun! I'm a huge Palance fan to begin with so toss him into a cheesy Italian WWII picture and I'm all over it. Fortunately, it's quite good despite the low rating on IMDB.


The oddest thing about the film is Palance plays a Scot, so hearing him with a Scottish accent is a odd and fun. He's got a beef with the general who's maneuver got all but two of Palance's men killed on their latest mission. Palance's German counterpart, Col. Ackerman was the one who did the killing. The opening of the film has Palance burst into HQ all huffing and puffing, making his way to the general's office. When he gets to the general's secretary who says he can't see the general, Palance slams the guy's forehead and goes in anyway. Classic.


The general's slick. He's got a new mission for Palance who's got a huge "Fuck You" for the general. The general name drops Ackerman as someone who'll be in the vicinity of Palance's mission. Sold. Now he needs a team and there's no one around but these criminals. It sounds like THE DIRTY DOZEN (1967) but it's not. Sure, it's a men-on-a-mission with criminals but that's about where it ends, really. There's no training - just the mission, an unexpected change of plans and Palance's need for revenge.

Palance's nemesis, Nazi baddie Col. Ackerman (Wolfgang Preiss)

Hey, kids! It's Curd Jurgens! You know, the villain in THE SPY WHO LOVED ME!

There was a choice bit of dialogue when the sole American of the bunch is alone with a "lady". The gang had come across a French farmhouse inhabited by a young woman and an older man, her lover. He's shot trying to escape and they take her with them. Anyway, the Yank is alone with her and he wants to know the story on the older man...


Janine: Have you ever been so hungry that you faint from the pain of the cramps in your stomach? I have.

Burke (Hunter): You'd better get out of here.

Janine: No. Listen to me. The first time, it was not like it was in books. It was not romantic. No lovely moonlight. No beautiful words. He was a pig, but I knew afterwards he'd give me a dozen tins of food.

Burke: And then?

Janine: Eating becomes a habit.

Nice...

It's fun. I enjoyed it. I was never bored once. I found Palance to be fun and his mission filled with plenty of action thrown in; enough to certainly feel like you got your money's worth.


Oh, and Marcello Giombini's score with its lighthearted marches just didn't work for me. It's the kind of score that asks the question, "Did you even see the film?"



Don't look for historical accuracy or much of an attempt to make this film stand up to the scrutiny of a larger budget, more detail-minded production. I'm not looking for that in a picture like this. I'm just looking to be entertained and BATTLE OF THE COMMANDOS did just that. Thank you Umberto Lenzi. Thank you Jack Palance!

Kill Rommel! (1969)

Director: Alfonso Brescia

Starring: Anton Diffring, Carl Parker and a crapload of Italians

More Info: IMDB

Plot: During WWII, US Lieutenant Morris and British captain Hull are assigned in a mission to kill Rommel.

My Rating: 6.5

Would I watch it again? I could see that happening if I've exhausted all other Italian WWII films

Outside of the US (if not more so), Italy is my favorite country for film output. They exploited everything in the 60s and 70s. Eurowar is a great example. It wasn't until THE DIRTY DOZEN (1967), easily one of the greatest WWII films of...all...time, came out and became an international success that the Italians dove into the WWII action genre head first. I have no idea how many were made but the genre lasted only a few years into the early 70s but they raped and pillaged those years until there wasn't much left.


This is the third night in a row that I've watched an Italian WWII actioner and KILL ROMMEL! is the least of the three. That's not saying it isn't good. It is for the most part. It's the acting (could be the dubbing, too, but there are scenes where, dubbing or not, he's pretty bad) by the lead, Carl Parker as the sole American - Lt. George Morris. He's pretty lousy and it brings down most scenes where he's doing some 'acting'. It's no shock to see by his credits on IMDB that this is his first of 4 films he's acted in. Outside of that, it's quite a good picture.


The story's about Morris joining a British "Rat Patrol-esqe" force in Africa during WWII. There's just a handful of them and Morris, a Texan (we're told), wants to do things his own way and has a complete distaste for his British commanding officer, Captain Richard Hull (very nicely played by Anton Diffring). That's all fine and dandy if Morris weren't such a fucking baby about everything. He bitches about shit almost as much as Anakin Skywalker in ATTACK OF THE CLONES. His inability to obey orders gets him and his comrades into some shitty situations.


After the first quarter of the film Morris court martialed for disobeying orders. The Lt. gets him off the hook so he can join his team on a plan to kill Rommel. Intelligence (bad intelligence...bad) has it that Rommel will be arriving at a small air field. The boys tear through the town, killing everyone in sight, hauling ass to the air field on the outskirts. Killing Germans left and right they end up in pursuit of the general, eventually killing all passengers including the decoy. WTF? He's a decoy? It's not the real Rommel? That's right. Shit. Now they're doing their best to get the fuck out of Dodge 'cause the Jerrys are hot on their tail. What follows is a series of action sequences that end up killing off some of the men leaving Morris and Howell left along with an Italian prisoner they picked up along the way. Will they make it back to HQ across the unflinching desert?




It's really got a lot of action and some terrific location shooting. I love this shit. Lots of great WWII desert fights with the usual machine guns, tanks, planes and so on. Really fun stuff. But goddamnit! Parker is bad. His character doesn't really have much of an arc, either, although they try. He's just at a point where he's doing what he can to survive. That'll change anyone in some way. I will say that his acting improves 'slightly' in the second half of the film since he's not complaining much and in the final minutes of the movie he's got that Harrison Ford look going for him.


In all, it's definitely worth a look. The copy I watched was a TV rip from where I don't know but it's letterboxed and a good print. I'd hate to think of how shitty this would be in a full screen, pan & scan version. The wide shots of the terrain in KILL ROMMEL! are fantastic. Don't cry yourself to sleep if you can't find it. It'll turn up somewhere and when it does, you'll have fun.