Jesse James Meets Frankenstein's Daughter (1966)

Director: William Beaudine

Starring: John "I Look Just Like Geoffrey Lewis" Lupton, Narda Onyx, Estelita Rodriguez and Cal Bolder

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: SEE THE GREATEST NAMES IN TERROR HISTORY...IN ONE BIG SHOW!

Plot: Legendary outlaw of the Old West Jesse James, on the run from Marshal MacPhee, hides out in the castle of Baron Frankenstein's granddaughter Maria, who proceeds to transform Jesse's slow-witted pal Hank into a bald zombie, which she names Igor.

Watch the entire film in shitty fullscreen!

My Rating: 6/10

Would I watch it again? I can sorta see how that could happen.

Do you really need anything more than the title to justify watching this? We didn't. You can watch this online, above, but if you REALLY want to see this (and I know you do), get the widescreen disc with the Joe Bob Briggs commentary. His commentaries are very informative and highly entertaining.

Dr. Maria Frankenstein's last nerdy Mexican beefcake failure.

I LOVE westerns and I LOVE horror and I LOVE it when those two genres are thrown together. I can't actually think of a particularly good one besides HIGH PLAINS DRIFTER but I'll watch every one I come across.

Based on the true events during one week toward the end of Jesse James' outlaw career, JJMFD isn't nearly as bad as its reputation holds. It's actually competently put together. Sure, it's got some unintentionally funny moments but it's also got Jesse James and a descendant of Frankenstein for fuck's sake!!!

We start out with a lot of exposition with the last 3 remaining peasants in town. They're packing it in and it's splitsville. Why? Because their son (and Juanita's brother) has died of a terrible disease; one that many of the youngsters of the village have succumbed to. They suspect foul play from the mad scientists who live in the big mission/castle on the hill above the village. They're right. the evil scientists have been killing young boys in an effort to make their own monster.

GREAT matte work!

Next up we meet Dr. Maria Frankenstein (the original Baron Frankenstein's Grand-Daughter, not daughter as the title suggests) and her brother, Dr. Rudolph Frankenstein. She's the evil one of the pair, wanting to continue in her grandfather's footshteps (I couldn't help the YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN joke ther). So what's in it for her to create her own man? Uh, well, uh, she's fucking horny as hell and she needs someone to take out the trash once in a while. Apparently these two fled Austria because of her experiments and chose to live in Mexico, in a spot near California, because of the seclusion and the fantastic electrical storms which only seem to occur when they're conducting experiments. Funny, that.

Docs Maria und Rudolph

Meet Jesse James (played by John Lupton, a spittin' image of the great character actor, Geoffrey Lewis - I spent half the movie convinced it was Lewis - he's got his mannerisms and everything), a nice guy trying to make a living while on the lam from the coppers. He's organized a fight between his not-so-smart muscle-headed sidekick, Hank, and the saloon keeper's fighter. After Hank kicks the other guy's ass, saloon guy say's nothin' doin'. Not gonna pay. So Jesse does the smart thing, being how he's hidin' from the law and all, and yells out that he's Jesse James and they're gonna settle it with a duel. Yeah, that's fucking smart. Tell the whole damn town you the guy with a $10,000 bounty on your head. The saloon keeper caves in and give Jesse the money. Jesse and Hank go into the saloon to order a steak.

Meet Hank, the stereotype.

And Jesse James - the coolest guy in town!

This is showbiz gold. After an ambush during a stagecoach robbery attempt, Jesse and a wounded Hank are once more on the run and Hank needs medical attention badly. They come across Juanita and her parents on their exodus and Juanita offers to take them to Frankenstein's castle as it's close and they can hide out there. She doesn't want to but Hank could die (HA!) and she's sympathetic to them and now in love with Jesse while Hank is in love with Juanita. I could be in love with Juanita but she overacts enough for the rest of the cast. She does have nice perky Mexi-cans, though. Ahahahahahahaha.

This is Juanita's OMFG face.

Back to the castle, Maria falls for Jesse and needs Hank to be her man-slave. Jesse turns down her advances, pissing her off, so she gives a sealed envelope to Jesse to deliver to the pharmacist in a neighboring town. She licks the envelope to seal it, by the way. You'd think a picture of this quality and with such lofty notions would have know they didn't exist back then. The note instructs the reader that the man standing in front of them is Jesse James and to alert the sheriff.


Now that Jesse's out of the way, Maria gives Hank a haircut and a brain transplant...two bits. Ahahahahaha. She also gives him his new name of Igor and his first order of business - kill Rudolph. It is original, I'll give them that.

She needs to have my babies.

Jesse fights his way out of the pharmacy by killing the toothiest motherfucker in show bidness that set him up with the ambush in the beginning of the picture.


Jesse goes back to take care of Maria but she orders Igor/Hank to subdue him. He's now strapped down to the table to become the third wheel in her orgy fantasy and injected with something nasty to prepare him for the next "experiment". That word is spoken by her as often as the word "operational" is uttered in RETURN OF THE JEDI. The only difference here is it's funny in JJMFD and annoying as hell in ROTJ.


The sheriff from the beginning, who's been looking for Jesse, shows up to save the day. A fight breaks out. Maria gets Igor/Hank to sic the sheriff, knocking him out. Now Maria turns Igor/Hank onto Juanita. He suddenly remembers his love for her (how, we don't know because he recently HAD A BRAIN TRANSPLANT!) and kills Maria instead. Now he's after his old pal Jesse, whom he doesn't remember. Juanita picks up a gun and fires at the brawlers, killing Igor/Hank. I thought it would have been cool for her to have killed both of them but then I remembered that's not how it really happened according to that biography I read on Jesse James back in the 6th grade.

Juanita says her goodbye and Jesse rides away with the sheriff. Everyone lives happily ever after...except, of course, for Jesse James who later will find himself dangling from a rope.





I rather enjoyed it. The performances are fun in a campy way, the camera doesn't just sit still as you'll often find in low budget films. Same thing with coverage shots. Raoul Kraushaar's score is fine for what it is and director Beaudine put it all together to make a fun little harmless western horror picture. He did it again that same year with BILLY THE KID VERSUS DRACULA. I've gotta see that one. John Carradine plays Dracula.

This guy's been directing movies since 1915 and has 367 director credits!!!!!!!!!! I'm impressed. That's just 367 more than I've got behind the camera. 366 if you count that one, a-hem, "art" picture I did back in college. The one where I convinced the girls of the Phi Beta Hot-n-Ready sorority to star in my all-girl re-visioning of Custer's last stand. I played Custer...and I wasn't standing.

Cape Fear (1962)

Director: J Lee Thompson

Starring: Gregory Peck, Robert Mitchum, Polly Bergen, Martin Balsam, Telly Savalas

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: Their ordeal of terror triggers the screen's most savage war of nerves!

Plot: A lawyer's family is stalked by a man he once helped put in jail.

My Rating: 9.5/10

From the first 4 notes of Bernard Herrmann's brutal score during the first 3 seconds of the film, you know exactly what you're in for and it ain't going to be pretty! To think this was made in '62 is as amazing as PSYCHO (with another fantastic Herrmann score) having come out just two years earlier and fucking all kinds of shit up.


It's been far too long since I've seen this but I could never forget Herrmann's score and the absolute career-best performance (that I've seen, at least) of Mitchum. GodDAMN, he's good!

I like Peck as an actor but I've never been able to get past his seemingly one-note performances. His style is always the same. Can someone please let me know of a film or two where he's actually "acting" as another character? It's not a gripe, really, but an observation. He does an excellent job of being Gregory Peck.

Suckin' in the 'ole gut...

There's lots of familiar faces here like Martin Balsam (also in PSYCHO), Edward Platt ("Chief" from GET SMART) and Telly Savalas!!! AND THIS BADASSMOTHERFUCKER HAS HAIR!!! Check it out!


That's a little something I had forgotten about. He's always fun to watch.

The guy to Mitchum's left, Jack Kruschen (playing Attorney Dave Grafton) turns in a brilliant performance as Cady's sleazy lawyer (sorry for the oxymoron).

The script is tight and brilliant and the direction is tense but nothing compares to shear brutality of Mitchum's performance as the sadistic Max Cady. From the opening scene finding Bowden (Peck) in the courtroom to the incredible finale, Mitchum delivers the goods. Cady is as devious as he is dangerous. He's a man who has lived every second of his eight years in prison thinking and plotting revenge to the man who is responsible for putting him there. Sure, Cady deserved it but that's irrelevant. And what revenge he has planned!

Nice shadow work with the smoke.

Naturally, a villain as juicy as this has some great dialogue. There's a wonderful scene in a bar where Cady eyes an attractive working girl across the room. His stare is, at the same time, disturbing and intriguing - for us and for her.


We sort of have an idea of 'who' he is but she's going to find out later 'what' he is. He's picked up by the fuzz in their routine harassment of Cady. As they pull him past the girl on the way out they have this little exchange...


Cady: I'm gonna give ya just one hour to get rid of your friends.
Diane: Are you trying to pick me up?
Cady: (slowly and nodding) Yes...yeah.

So what kind of man is Cady? Later on, they've gotten together and, after coitus, Cady re-enters the bedroom. Slowly, as if he's savoring every moment of anticipation of what's to come, he makes his way around the bed, like an animal circling it's prey. She slowly awakens, noticing his eyes and movements, until the point of realization. The music is deep, ominous and outright terrifying when combined with the careful precision of the moving camera and the effortless sadism of Cady's fluid movement and gestures. It's one of the most intense beatings you will ever see...and we don't see one blow struck nor do we hear what follows. It's horrific without ever being graphic. They couldn't show us. This is 1962 and I kept reminding myself from time to time that this movie, as intense and brutal as it is was filmed in 1962 in Hollywood.








There's no fucking way I'm spoiling this film. Even seeing these images can't ruin one of the most incredible scenes I've seen in a Hollywood picture. The finale is simply brilliant. I rarely praise my faulty memory but it was welcome as I couldn't recall how it finished and I was better for it. It was most exciting and did not disappoint one bit.


Save the Martin Scorcese (whom I LOVE) for another day. Watch the original. Not only is it, in many ways, a better film but it's a remarkable film that deserves your attention. I will not wait another 15 years to see it again. It's shocking, it's beautiful, it's thrilling and it's a worthy example of what happens with what the right talented people can do with the right material.

Swamp Girl (1971)

Director: Donald A Davis

Starring: Ferlin Husky, Simone Griffeth and a bunch of locals.

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: Filmed on location in the strangely beautiful Okefenokee swamps of Georgia.

Plot: A little blonde girl who was abandoned by her mother in the Florida swamps is rescued and raised by a man she calls her "Pa". She takes it upon herself to protect all the creatures in her swamp from poachers and other dangers, and wins the respect of the local sheriff. One day an escaped convict and her boyfriend take the girl prisoner and try to force her to guide them through the swamp in their escape from the law. However, the girl has other ideas.

My Rating: 6.5

Would I watch it again? SHIT, YEAH!


Growing up in Florida in the 70s, this brought back a lot of memories. Living in a swamp, wearing a red cocktail dress, prancing around barefoot attacking poachers, living off the land and so forth. But, seriously. Watching this flick did feel like home at times. The grain of the film and the beautiful shots of the swamp felt just like those 8mm home movies my family had of us as kids going to the Everglades, Sea World, Busch Gardens and the Jungle Cruise ride at Walt Disney World. Then, a few years later as a Boy Scout, there was that 75-mile canoe trip down the Suwanee River that began in the Okefenokee Swamp. Swamp Girl was a nice little trip back in time.

The film starts with some groovy backwoods tune that is soon-to-be-sung by the film's star, country & western singer Ferlin Husky. This guy kicks fucking ass! He's got that down-home, Southern, laid back style about him and he's just a blast to watch. He seems like a natural.


In one HILARIOUS instance, Husky's getting close to the end of his song and one of the boys comes over and grabs him, ending the song. Watch the trailer above. You'll see it. It's a hoot when you get the context in the picture.

Now the actress of the film's titular character, Simone Griffeth (who later played Annie Smith in DEATHRACE 2000), is absolutely horrible! Imagine, and it's REAL easy, the girl that played Marsha Brady in THE BRADY BUNCH and she used the money her mother gave her for acting lessons and spent it on heroin instead. THAT'S Griffeth. O...M...F...G! She's terrible.


So the movie's going along...some dude washes ashore in the swamp reserve...the local good 'ole boys doing some illegal fishing at night find it...the ranger (Husky) and the sheriff ask them questions and the boys blame it on Swamp Girl. She's just a legend the some believe lives in the swamp. She's a legend 'cause Husky's singing a song about her, see?

Husky takes a ride on his air boat, finds an article of clothing or something and he's hot on the trail of SG. He gets hurt in a trap and she shows up to help and they get to know each other a little better. She starts yappin' about her Pa and whatnot. Goddamn, she's bad. Anyway, she...wait. You know how when you're watching someone who's supposed to have grown up somewhat isolated so their vocabulary isn't supposed to be that good but it actually is until someone utters one particular word that isolated person hadn't heard and then they put on that dumb fuck face and try to articulate the said word slowly like they are 5 fucking years old? It's here and the secret word is "deputy". "day-pew-tai"? Yep, "deputy."


Husky's look says it all for me.


After cooking some chicken or something, SG goes back to her shack and starts talking to Pa in the next room who then puts some cut wood by the stove and sits down for a talkin' to.

HOLD THE FUCKING PHONE! IS HE BLACK? (ayayayayaya - double take) YEP, HE'S BLACK! Didn't see that comin'.


But here's the coolest part of that whole situation. NOT ONCE does race play a factor. Hell, it's not even brought up. FUCKING AWESOME! We soon get some back story about how this came to be. The short story is, he saved her from an evil swamp abortion doctor and his nefarious business colleagues when she was a child. Since then he raised her on his own as if she were his all along. Too bad she turned out to be one helluva shitty actress. Can't blame it on Pa. She didn't come from his seed. This guy's a good actor so it must not be the environment but the genes.

A-Ha! She runs like a swamp girl!

Next thing you know we've got us a Bonnie & Clyde situation when a couple of lovebird criminals on the lam show up and have to get over the state line to keep from getting caught. Where's the state line? On the other side of the swamp. Think they're going to make it out alive? Think they're going to fuck with the wrong Swamp Girl by killing her Pa? Think Husky's a-comin' to the rescue with the good 'ole boys from the beginning of the picture and save the day? Think tha real mother of SG, who was going to abort SG all those years ago but didn't because she was too far along and the doctor kept her to sell to a white slavery outfit but didn't because Pa did the right thing, shows up and takes back her now fatherless baby girl and they live happily ever after? If you answered NO, YES, YES and YES, you are correct. Now go drink some hooch, have some crazy moonshine sex and yell out my name during each and every hee-haw orgasm!


Growing up around people like this I can really appreciate this film and the obvious local actors used. It does bring back wonderful memories of growing up in the South around colorful characters and the beautiful locales. Hell, I've even known some girls like Swamp Girl to some degree. This is a pretty good, made with some degree of passion and tenderness, hicksploitation flick that is a strong entry into the genre due to the cast and the little twists and turns the story takes. And I'm most impressed with how it handles race. Pa is not looked upon as being anyone but a caring human being and he's treated with respect. SWAMP GIRL is colorblind where this region of the country and the time it was filmed wasn't.


All I know is I can't wait for the sequel to the video game, LEFT 4 Dead, coming out later this year which includes a level where you get to kill fuckloads of zombies in a swamp! I'm already there, brother. I'm already there.

X-Men Origins: Wolverine (2009)

Director: Gavin Hood

Starring: Hugh Jackman, Liev Schreiber, Danny Huston, Will i Am/An Actor i Ain't, Dominic "Hobbit" Monaghan, Ryan Reynolds

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: (here's what it should be) At least it's better than X3!

Plot: Wolverine lives a mutant life, seeks revenge against his half brother Victor Creed (who will later become Sabertooth) for the death of his girlfriend, and ultimately ends up going through the mutant Weapon X program.



My Rating: 6/10

Would I watch it again? Maybe. It's not THAT bad. It's not that good, either.

I've just about given up on Hollywood. X-MEN was great! X-MEN 2 was even better! X-MEN 3 was such a let-down that I pissed myself in a crowded theater and I didn't even care 'cause I was too depressed. So how was X-MEN ORIGINS: WOLVERINE?


I noticed that the reviews were in the shit house and, as a result, I lowered my expectations to below the basement. I had two free tickets so I took a good friend of mine to hold my hand in case it got ugly (it didn't, btw, so the hand-holding wasn't necessary) and I had some coupons for free corn. That's where my head was. I was lubed and ready for the ass-rape I was anticipating on opening night.

It wasn't that bad, really; the movie, not the ass-raping. Jackman has enough charisma and screen presence that he carries the picture. Schreiber was fun as were many of the cast. I'll say this, don't get attached to any of them because, just as you get to like some, THEY DIE! WHAT THE BLOODY FUCK?

Let's forget about character development because most of the characters don't last long enough to develop genital herpes at a KISS concert. The script is, at times, pretty weak. But that's OK since Hugh Jackman's the man. There are so many by-the-numbers plot devices thrown in I thought I was watching a student film on how NOT to make a movie. Michael Bay's made a career out of that. But that's another story.


I mean, Hey! How did Wolfy get that badass leather jacket and motorcycle for example? Easy, in his short stint as a mountain streaker he comes across an elderly couple on their farm. Apparently they had a son once who obviously no longer needs this leather jacket and in the barn there's a PRISTINE vintage (granted I think their in the 1970s at this point) early 1960s motorcycle that's just sitting there, uncovered, surrounded by nothing else that looks like it should be in a barn. It's only there to give The Wolfman a means to quickly exit as the barn explodes. Granted, it was the coolest barn explosion these eyes have seen, but still...

It's shit like that that permeates throughout but, I have to admit, it was kind of fun. Despite its flaws, and there are plenty, it's fun and I wasn't bored. Maybe, just maybe, in ten years when I've forgotten how bad X3 was, I might just keep going after watching 1 & 2 and watch 3 and this one. I'm certainly in less of a hurry than the studio and film makers who are making a bee line to the bank to cash in on easy dough they made on this thing.

Oh, and about that whole thing with a work print leaking months before the film was released? I had access to it but there's no way I'm going to watch a spectacle film like this, unfinished, at home. Giant Flaming Turd or no Giant Flaming Turd, it needs to be seen on the big screen. So screw you Hollywood. If you spent more time making a product worth watching than worrying about piracy you'd be giving more people a reason to get of their lazy asses and go to the theater.

Well, at least this was better than X-3...but not by much. We deserve better than this.