They Call Me Trinity (1970)

Director: Enzo Barboni

Starring: Terence Hill & Bud Spencer

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: He Was On the Side of the Law and Order. He Was On the Side of Crime and Chaos. He Was On Any Side That Would Have Him.

Plot: A drifter comes to town where his brother is sheriff. His brother is actually a robber who broke the real sheriff's leg and left him for dead, and became sheriff in order to hide out. They team up against the local land baron who is trying to get rid of the Mormon settlers in a valley he wishes to own.







My Rating: 8/10

Would I watch it again? Yup

The Italians started making westerns (set in the SW US and Mexico) around 1963. When Sergio Leone and Clint Eastwood hit the scene in 1964 with A FISTFUL OF DOLLARS and became a worldwide hit, a new genre exploded in European cinemas. The Italians, but not exclusively – many other European countries joined in on the action, over the next 13 years or so, cranked out over 500 of these very popular Spaghetti Westerns. They were relatively inexpensive to make and the Spanish coastal town of Almeria geographically looked just like the American South West.

These Spaghetti Westerns often starred American actors who were either on their way up in fame or on their way down. Clint Eastwood is the best known. Lee Van Cleef (THE BIG GUNDOWN 1968) for a time in the mid to late 60s was THE biggest American star in Europe. They also grew their own stars like Franco Nero (DJANGO 1966), Tomas Milian (FACE TO FACE 1967) and Giuliano Gemma (A PISTOL FOR RINGO 1965). Then came two actors, who had previously worked together, that hit the big time with the international hit, THEY CALL ME TRINITY. Terence Hill and Bud Spencer went on to star in more than twenty films over the next two decades.

"Just look at those eyes!"

Their “buddy” films are largely action comedies and by comedy it’s slapstick. The films are good-humored and the violence is largely softened and void of killing. Their films were safe for families and it’s largely with children they became very popular and remain so to this day. Show a child who likes westerns this film (and I’m not degrading it by saying this) and they will laugh themselves silly. You can do the same to an adult and get the same reaction.

The stories are usually simple but with enough variety as to not lose your interest. The real showcase is the two actors’ individual and combined charisma and how well they work together. You get a real sense that they were great friends off camera, which they were.

The opening theme song sounds corny as hell to the average viewer. I thought so when I saw it years ago on some crappy fullscreen VHS tape. I couldn’t believe how dorky it was but by the end of the film it grew on me and today I totally dig it. I’m a lot more knowledgeable about Spaghetti Westerns now, too, and I’ve got hundreds of them as well as a large collection of SW soundtracks so my “taste” in them has developed considerably. I LOVE this genre. Under the song and credits we see Hill riding his horse in a most unusual and casual way. If you don’t have an idea about what you’re in for by now then it’s probably best to stick with staring out the window and watching for squirrels.

It’s not long before you find out he’s the fastest gun alive and is the Left Hand of the Devil with his brother (from another father) being the Right Hand. Spencer hates, and I mean HATES, Hill and gets a lot of laugh mileage out of it. I’m pretty sure Spencer’s trademark head bonk fight move originated here. And something else that originated with this film that would carry on to many of Hill’s films and the recent Sprint commercial (lifted from either in this film or the sequel a year later, TRINITY IS STILL MY NAME), is the sped-up gunfighter bit where Hill would show his unbelievably fast skill at gun play at the embarrassing expense of his opponent. EVERY time I see it in any film it cracks me up. Sure, it’s silly, but it’s damn funny.

"BONK!"

The film is so lighthearted and funny it’s hard not to like. This is probably the third or fourth time I’ve watched it and it won’t be the last. The sequel is just about as good as this one and it’s well worth a look. I’ve got an old European non-anamorphic widescreen DVD of both films. It is available here in the U.S. from Hens Tooth Video for about $22 for both films but I have no idea of the quality. I do recall their release of Sam Peckinpah’s CROSS OF IRON (1977) was disappointing. Nevertheless avoid any fullscreen version of ANY Spaghetti Western because even the shitty ones deserve to be seen in their original widescreen format.

Flesh + Blood (1985)

Director: Paul Verhoeven

Starring: Rutger Hauer, Jennifer Jason Leigh

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: Betrayed by power. Corrupted by love. Bound by honor.

Plot: A band of medieval mercenaries take revenge on a noble lord who decides not to pay them by kidnapping the betrothed of the Noble's son. As the plague and warfare cut a swathe of destruction throughout the land, the mercenaries hole up in a castle and await their fate.






My Rating: 8/10

Would I watch it again? Yes

I've always dug Rutger Hauer. I've seen some of his Dutch, pre-Hollywood, films from the 70s like TURKISH DELIGHT (WOW is this F'd up) and SOLDIER OF ORANGE, both by director Paul Verhoeven. And his early American films like this one, BLADE RUNNER, THE HITCHER and LADYHAWKE (which came a little later) show that this guy, despite his good looks and charm, is a very good actor. I've always found it strange how his career, after such great promise and high profile films, took a turn into B-movie obscurity. Years ago when I saw
CONFESSIONS OF A DANGEROUS MIND I was pleasantly surprised to see him turn up
in that kicking all kinds of acting ass and then a couple of years ago in BATMAN BEGINS. It's just too bad that he didn't stay in a more high profile light, cranking out tons of badass genre films.

In this one he's re-teamed with Verhoeven in a great little Medieval picture you probably haven't seen. One thing that a lot of Hollywood pictures set in this time get wrong is they aren't dirty and grimy enough. This one drops you right in the middle of it and forces you to wallow around in it a bit. From what I understand there is quite a bit of accuracy in the film maker's
attempt to bring the middle ages to us. Especially the hot tub scene.




The cast does a great job with Leigh particularly turning in one of her best performances. And the film is aptly named, too. There's plenty of nudity and violence, just like it was in 1501. It's true. I've seen paintings. Mmmmm. What I Haven't seen before in film is a rape scene like the one between Hauer and Leigh. I won't go into details but it's brutal but in a gentle, horrific, erotic way. You've got to see it to understand. On the flip side we get to see A LOT of Leigh unclothed. It's not all roses, though, 'cause we also get to see Bruno Kirby naked. Yes, that's right, Bruno Kirby. For anyone who's ever wondered, here's your chance.

"Jane, you ignorant slut!"

I do have to gripe about something and that's the character of Steven (Tom Burlinson). At first I was excited to see someone with a scientific and skeptic mind, at least having someone of reason in a time filled with the uneducated and religious nut jobs. But then the film jumps the shark and Steven, in the course of a few hours, designs and builds a giant wooden wheeled device that will allow his men to storm the castle without being harmed. This thing is HUGE and is basically an armored fire truck with an extension ladder. I couldn't help but recall the scene from MONTY PYTHON AND THE HOLY GRAIL (1975) where the knights build a Trojan Rabbit. It's about as silly. But that's not it. Later, he pulls THIS out of his ass...

That's right, a rocket! If it hadn't been for this childish bullshit I'd have given myself 100% to it. But,no, they have to ruin it with this kind of crap.

Basil Poledouris's (who did CONAN THE BARBARIAN a few years earlier) score is very good. Despite the small budget his music adds much to the film. At least it's an orchestral score. Many in the 80s had synthesizer scores; even some Sword & Sorcery flicks. Ugh. One of my favorite movies of this type, LADYHAWKE (1985), had some electronics in the score but that's another story...

"Bill Clinton: The Estrogen Years"

This film looks like a big Hollywood picture but with a European eye for pushing the envelope in its realism, brutality and sexuality. It's easy to see why Hollywood gave him his first blockbuster with his next picture, ROBOCOP, the first in a string of hits followed by TOTAL RECALL, BASIC INSTINCT, SHOWGIRLS (to a lesser extent) and STARSHIP TROOPERS. I liked his pictures up to BASIC INSTINCT. After that they just fell flat. But that's another story...

The Mechanic (1972)

Director: Michael Winner

Starring: Charles Bronson, Jan Michael Vincent, Keenan Wynn, Jill Ireland

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: He fixes people so they never work again.

Plot: A professional hit man (Bronson) is planning to retire, always a difficult move for one in such a profession. A young apprentice (Vincent) appears to be eager to learn all the skills of the trade - but is that all he wants ?





My Rating: 8/10

Would I watch it again? Oh, yeah

Bronson = Badass! He doesn't say much...he doesn't have to.

I've said it before and I'll say it again. Bronson = Badass. He didn't say much 'cause he didn't have to. Here he plays an assassin. A very methodical assassin. You get the feeling he's the best. I just assume he's the best because he's Bronson. I'd say that's a good assumption. Take it to the bank, Put that in your pipe and smoke it. I did. Mmmmmmmmmm.



The story's pretty good with him reluctantly taking on the son of his most recent kill as an apprentice. It takes a while for him to accept him but that's OK by me. It's Bronson. Then we go through their first job together which doesn't go as planned. There's a pretty good motorcycle chase with Bronson (although you KNOW it's a double 'cause they're wearing shielded helmets blocking out any facial features) that has an AWESOME ending with the (SPOILERS) victim flying right off a cliff. I didn't buy the chase so much 'cause, even though I can see Bronson making chase on a motorcycle, I can more easily see him lifting the bike over his head and throwing it at the victim several dozens of yards away and knocking him off his bike so Bronson can stroll over there and kick the living shit out of him. Why would he do that? Because the victim made things more difficult for Bronson so the road to death naturally has to take a little longer to go down. THAT'S how much of a badass he is.

Now that Jan Michael has Bronson's confidence and trust they go on another job together in Europe. This is the only spot for me where it started to drag. But I've seen this a couple of times before so I know what's coming. And I adjust myself in my seat with excitement because it's a beaut of an ending and some of my friends hadn't seen this. I know what to expect - a
collective "HOLY SHIT" during the last 15 seconds of the film.

I cant' spoil that because it really is an AWESOME ending to a very good film. You know how so many of the 70's kung fu films ended so abruptly, usually as the hero strikes the villain with the death blow and then there's a freeze frame with THE END slapped on? It's sort of like that but don't read into what I just said. It's just that abrupt but completely satisfying. There's a particularly chilling scene when Bronson and Vincent are at the home of one of Vincent's jilted lovers where she's threatened to commit suicide. Vincent is aggravated by the whole affair and doesn't believe she will kill herself. He also doesn't care. He needs to show Bronson he's got
the goods to make it as an assassin. He even gives her advice on how to do it quickly. She cuts herself and they three of them wait for what seems like a couple of hours. Bronson is cool as can be and does not interfere except to explain in cold detail what happens to your body after you cut yourself. Badass. Simply badass. Does he let her die? Nice.

"Groovy, baby, yeah!"

Bronson's badassicity (and, yes, that's a word 'cause I just made it up) has a way of reaching across any natural or unnatural boundaries and affecting everybody he touches. So far I haven't seen any Bronson film I didn't thoroughly enjoy in some way. THE MECHANIC is just another in a string of great action films he did in the 70s. It's simply a helluva lot of fun with an ending that will leave a sting on your face from the massive bitch slap he delivers in the final seconds of the film. And if I'm going to be bitch slapped it's going to be from Bronson because where do you let Charles Bronson sit? Anywhere he wants.

Funny Games (1997)

Director: Michael Haneke

Starring: Germans

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: Ein Alptraum. (English translation: A Nightmare)

Plot: Two psychotic young men take a mother, father, and son hostage in their vacation cabin and force them to play sadistic "games" with one another for their own amusement.








My Rating: 9/10

Would I watch it again? As sure as Britney Spears will do something kooky

This movie should be titled, "HOLY FUCKING SHIT!", 'cause that's the most common phrase heard by anyone who watches it. And I thought the Japanese had the marked corned on brutality and torture. The Germans, apparently, never lost their touch - they just kept it in storage for a couple of generations.

I cannot avoid talking about this without spoilers so THERE WILL BE SPOILERS...YARRRRR

It's great watching this one for the second time knowing the outcome. As the film unfolds the unsuspecting family meets their killers by being introduced to them by their neighbors. We later find out that the neighbors were killed shortly thereafter and the new family ends up introducing the killers to their friends and next victims after they themselves are killed. NICE! The two boys are pitch perfect in their care free torturing, murdering ways. In fact all of the acting is great. The family in captivity do a fantastic job in delivering very believable performances. The two killers are in complete control and it's obvious that they're not new at this and know exactly what they're doing. The mind-fucks these guys dish out are extraordinary. They are able to exact whatever they like from their victims albeit reluctantly at first.

2ND WARNING OF MAJOR SPOILAGE...YARRRR

In one of the most daring and challenging scenes I have ever seen the boys have just blown the son's head off with a shotgun. There is blood all over the immediate area of the kids' former head. We are forced to watch this scene...


It easily lasts a full minute or two with no moving whatsoever until the mother finally gasps in horror that her son is dead. It's gripping, startling, emotionally piercing. It's one of the fucking ballsiest shots by a filmmaker EVER. EVER! You're forced to soak it in. In other films the kid is killed, we mourn for a few seconds and it's onto new business. Haneke holds the audience captive and makes us slowly digest what just occurred. Fucking brilliant.

What follows is a long drawn out quiet section where the mother and father are taking advantage of the suddenly empty and quiet house by deciding on what to do. His leg is broken so he stays. She leaves to find help. The boys are nowhere to be found but they find her. Just when you think you've seen all that can be shown Haneke gives us a few more shocks. Dad is stabbed multiple times and mom is bound with tape at her feet, hands and mouth. They take a nice little sail across the lake, push mom overboard and proceed to the cottage of the family's friends they were introduced to earlier in the film where the process of taking over this new family begins. OH FUCKING YEAH!!!

END OF SPOILERS...YARRRR

The use of hardcore thrash metal music hits all of the right notes, so to speak. It's a remarkably jarring technique which plays up the tone of the film to a tee. Other than that I don't recall any music at all and that's a good thing. A score would have removed some of the shock value and would have lessened the impact by the shots and performances. Sometimes the lack of music can work and this is definitely a case for it.

One technique I particularly enjoyed was the main killer's point of breaking the fourth wall. That's where a character in some way acknowledges the audience. Here he turns and looks (and sometimes speaks to) the camera. It's actually amusing as the director implicates us in the crimes because we are watching it happen. VERY effective. And what the character says is
sickeningly funny. The final shot of the film will forever be burned into my memory. It's gloriously fucked up.

I L-O-V-E movies with raw, fucked-up endings. I enjoy films that pick you up by the short hairs and smack you around a bit before they kick you to the curb without any money or idea of who you are and why you're there. If you're having trouble breaking up with your girlfriend, just invite her over for a movie night double feature with MAN BITES DOG (1992) and follow it up
with FUNNY GAMES. She'll probably leave quietly and never look back and all you did was show a couple of films. If she stays and asks for more then send her over to my place. THAT'S my kinda gal.

Indentity (2003)

Director: James Mangold

Starring: John Cusack, Ray Liotta, Amanda Peet, Alfred Molina, Jake Busey, Rebecca De Mornay

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: The secret lies within.

Plot: Stranded at a desolate Nevada motel during a nasty rainstorm, ten strangers become acquainted with each other when they realize that they're being killed off one by one.






My Rating: 8/10

Would I watch it again? Yup

I just watched this for the second time and even though it loses a little bit
of it's shock value with the end it still holds up as a great little
horror/thriller.



I'm not big on spoilers so I'll keep this free but it's going to be short. The movie's filled with character stereotypes but by the end you're totally OK with it when the reason is revealed. I love how the film is almost entirely set at night in a rain storm. It makes for a fantastic atmosphere. For all intents and purposes it's another story of Ten Little Indians, with each of the 10 unexpected secluded motel guests being murdered one by one. Throw in the side plot of a convicted mass murderer who's hours away from execution and you've got IDENTITY.

I recall first seeing this years ago and getting to the part where one of the "guests" says the explanation of the killings could be that the motel is located on an ancient Indian burial ground. If I hadn't been captivated by the film at that point I would have likely turned it off. I hate crap like that. I stayed with it and was glad I did. After it was all over and re-thinking the film I realized the reason for that scene's inclusion and it ks - once you know the entire story.

It's great fun and the performances are good. John Cusack is great as usual nd it's always fun to see the underrated Ray Liotta. His character's got a great little back story, too. Alan Silvestri provides a suitable score. It's not his fault, I'm sure, but the director's by including one or two "jump" scare shots where the music bursts suddenly when something jumps out t you. It's the cheapest and easiest scare tactic in film making and it pisses me off to see it used so liberally in films. There's a solid story and direction here and I don't think that they needed to lower themselves to using this tactic. Knowing the full story I can forgive them for it "IF" they used it not for a scare but because it's a stereotypical horror device hich would fit the big picture.



There's an "alternate ending" on the DVD but all we could tell was there were a few very minor additions that hardly constitutes calling it an alternate ending. It's the same ending but with more padding. There's still the director's commentary to check out. I'm not rushing to hear it but I expect could find it interesting.


Although this film has character stereotypes, plot devices and film making techniques for a horror film, it's anything but. It feels like a typical Hollywood horror/thriller but they're just playing with the conventions of the genre and with you, the audience. This one's fun.

Girl Boss Guerilla (1972)

Director: Norifumi Suzuki

Starring: Miki Sugimoto, Reiko Ike

More Info: IMDB

Plot: Miko Sugimoto is the leader of the Red Helmet Gang, a biker girl gang from Shinjuku who wind up in Kyoto and make a bid to take over the local girl gangs there. Successful for a short time in ruling the streets it isn't long before Miko and her crew run afoul of the local Yakuza, and are forced to turn to Reiko Ike, a ronin Yakuza girl, and sister to one of the top Yakuza in Kyoto, for help, leading to a murderous showdown at a small coastal resort.

My Rating: 9/10

Would I watch it again? Anytime, Baby!

Oh, man, these Pinky Violence movies are so much fun. Of all of the ones I've seen, I think this one is the most fun. There's barely a dull moment. The opening five minutes KICKS FUCKING ASS! Why? A gang of four hot Japanese biker chicks are cruising along on their motorcycles as the credits roll. Great shots, too. Once the credits end they're joined and harassed by four dorky guys on bikes (at one point the leader says, "I'm Easy Wider" as he points to his Easy Rider T-shirt) who are trying to get sex from them. The girls pull off in a field (with the city in the backdrop). The guys get off their bikes and move closer to the girl gang's leader, Sachiko, when she dismounts, pushes them back with her foot and...

says, "Do you know who we are?", unzips her outfit and EXPOSES HER TATTOOED LEFT TIT!!!!! Then the girls proceed to kick the living shit out of each one of the guys. NICE!!! And this is in a film from 1972. Let's see that happen in a movie these days. Cool, huh? We've only just begun.

The girls then say to each other, "Where shall we go? Kyoto" and, BAM!, they're in Kyoto. They don't fuck around with wasting time in this picture. And they ain't there to sign some stupid global warming treaty, either. They've got to make a living so we get treated to a fun montage ('cause you GOTTA have a montage) of the girls stealing, conning and prostituting money from various idiotic, stupid and weak men. I don't know what it is about the Japanese and their portrayal of men in this manner. Sometimes it works but most of the time you just cringe at the thought of men behaving this way. Anyway, this movie kicks too much ass to stop and ponder such trivial matters.

Next thing we know, in one day they've taken over the girl gang territory. The only thing left to do officially is for Sachiko to kick the ass of the existing girl gang leader in Kyoto and start the takeover transition. That's way too easy. Now, I'm not a sexist pig but there's something about hot Japanese girls fighting that's way too cool for school. And this movie has it in spades.

We get treated to a series of very fun little adventures and some plot point involving a boxer and his trainer's daughter being kidnapped by the yakuza (who oversee the girl gangs). By the way, EVERY girl in this movie gets topless at some point, many at a lot of points. And all but one have their left breasts covered with brilliantly colored tattoos. NICE! There's a very funny bit about one of the girls getting the clap from a priest (and you thought they only did young boys) and her subsequent adventure in giving it to several members of the yakuza gang. And then there's this guy...

Woof. He's a musician and at one point he's on the beach singing with his guitar. It's hysterical 'cause he's so goofy looking, the song is OK but rather over-sentimentally silly and there's a piano playing but they're on the beach. Usually I can overlook something like an instrument or two playing when they aren't represented on screen but it's just too funny here.

These Pinky Violence movie are soooooo much fun. They're very much strong-female centered involving attractive Japanese girls kicking guys and each other's ass. Revenge is usually the motivation but not always. You can't have one of these without lots of nudity and violence and that's just fine with me. It's one of the few genres that I look forward to each and every one that comes my way because so far I've enjoyed the dozen or so that I've seen. Seek these out. They're not all great but they're fun and different than anything else you've ever seen. They're also more than 30 years old and you certainly won't see anything like this coming out of modern cinema. BONZAI, Baby!!!

Piranha (1978)

Director: Joe Dante

Starring: Bradford Dillman, Heather Menzies, Kevin McCarthy, Keenan Wynn, Dick Miller, Barbara Steele, Paul Bartel

More Info: IMDB

Tagline: Then... you were shocked by the great white shark - Now... you are at the mercy of 1000 jaws!

Plot: When flesh-eating piranhas are accidently released into a summer resort's river, the guests become their next meal.






My Rating: 7/10
UPDATE 8/22/10: After seeing it again, it's not holding up as well. The slow spots have knocked it down to a 6.5/10.

Would I watch it again? Hell, yeah!
UPDATE 8/22/10: A slightly less enthusiastic yeah.

#185 on Drive-In Delirium Volume 1 (part of the TRAILER TRASH PROJECT)


If you've seen JAWS (1975) then you've seen PIRANHA. Substitute a river with a summer camp and resort along the way for the shores of Martha's Vineyard and killer fish for a shark and you've got PIRANHA. It's so blatantly a rip-off of JAWS (the references are all over the place) yet it's still a lot of fun.

Cheesy performances permeate this film like liquor on Lindsay Lohan. The two leads (Dillman and Menzies) are bad. I mean bad. Legendary character actors Keenan Wynn and Dick Miller (two of my favorites) are awesome as always. The scene where Wynn is telling his dog a story is a riot and Dick Miller just cracks me up in everything that he does. His role in the original LITTLE SHOP OF HORRORS (1960) is a real gas. Kevin "INVASION OF THE BODY SNATCHERS (1956)" McCarthy satisfies his requirement of the crazy old coot scientist who created these mutated beasts. It's the heroes of the story that piss me off.

They're terrible and completely unlikable YET THEY'RE THE FUCKING HEROES? Especially the girl since it's entirely her fault that the piranha are released into the river and kill dozens of people including a bunch of children YET SHE'S THE FUCKING HERO? WTF? Keenan Wynn snuffs it and this bitch gets to keep breathing? Where's the justice in that? I could appreciate it if the whole idea was to make these two fucktards the heroes to go against the Hollywood grain but I really don't think the filmmakers were that advanced in their thinking in this. I love Joe Dante and I really enjoyed this picture but I mostly stayed to the end because I really wanted this bitch and her alcoholic love gristle to be fed to the fishes. They wasted a great opportunity for a truly upbeat and satisfying ending.

I know what you're saying. "Hey, Jim, what about the piranha?" That's what we're all in this for, right? It's a mixed bag. For a visual you get a spot in the water that is highly agitated by violent bubbles to let us know the fish are there. It's stupid as hell and it's far from reality but it works. What also works and is equally stupid and hell because it's entirely unrealistic is the cool sounds the piranha make. Then there's the quick movements of the (I assume) rubber fish (cool).

and the "what were they thinking" shots like this...


which are nothing more than pictures of piranha on a sheet of plastic being dragged through the water, swimming in unison like synchronized swimming at the Olympics.
The trailer is great. The movie is stupid cheesy fun and I'll watch it again with an audience. That helps. Pour a few cold ones and knock 'em back. I can't wait to see the sequel directed by James "TERMINATOR" Cameron. So how DO you improve on the original film? Easy. You make them fly. Get ready for PIRANHA PART TWO: THE SPAWNING (1981). Sweet. I'm there already.