Monday, September 30, 2013
Bikini Pirates (2006)
Director: Fred Olen Ray
Writer: Fred Olen Ray
Composer: ??? (maybe it's stock music?)
Starring: Nicole Sheridan, Voodoo, Beverly Lynne, Randy Spears, Evan Stone, Rebecca Love, Cassie Young
More info: IMDb
Tagline: Looking for a few good men.
Plot: While scuba diving, Jill's boyfriend Dustin finds a doubloon necklace and the diary of Morganna, a pirate who sailed the coast 200 years ago. With the diary is a treasure map that takes them and their friends Susan and Joe to a mountain cabin. Before setting out in search of the treasure, the four hold a séance using instructions they find in the diary. It brings Morganna and her mate, Captain Tygus, back to life. It's a race for the treasure. Morganna and Tygus will stop at nothing.
My rating: 6/10
Will I watch it again? No.
You may recognize star Nicole Sheridan from such films as HAND JOB HUNNIES 2 or RUB THE MUFF 2 or FAST TIMES AT DEEP CRACK HIGH 2 (personally I thought the first film wrapped up nicely, avoiding the need for a sequel) or DEEP THROAT THIS! or TOO HOT FOR SHOES! or LESBIAN BIG BOOB BANGEROO 3 or DEBBIE DOES DALLAS: THE REVENGE or CUM BUCKETS! 4 or ALL ASS BLOWOUT 1 (I reckon they had the confidence to name it '1', anticipating it would do well enough to make sequels) or TOP NOTCH BITCHES 5 or CREAM PIE BEAUTIES or SPREADING MY SEED or FILTHY MILFS or KUNG FU GOO or BIG TITS IN SPORTS. Regardless, it should be clear by now that she gets naked...a lot. But in case you don't know her, she looks like this...
and she has simulated sex with this man, Voodoo, star of such films as HOT ANAL INJECTION 2 and YOUR MOM CAN STICK THIS UP HER ASS...
Can you believe this man puts his dick in vaginas?
The flick starts out with Jill (Sheridan) and Dustin (Voodoo) makin' it in the shower.
And for some reason, not content on just showing Sheridan's assets up against the glass, the director feels the need to show us what Voodoo's got, too.
After all of that Jill and Dustin sit down with Susan (Lynne) and Joe (Spears) and talk about going up to the cabin for some relaxation and treasure hunting.
Seriously, can you believe this guy puts his dick into vaginas?
Naturally, after Dustin tells them that it's a two and a half hour drive to the cabin which means if they left at 9:30, they would be at the cabin at noon, in time for lunch (he really does the math for us, I'm not making this up), Susan and Joe excuse themselves so they can have simulated sex.
Now that that's out of the way, we're off to the cabin.
We get some exposition about Morganna the Pirate...
Can you believe that this man puts his dick in vaginas? I'm flummoxed.
Dustin leaves the room (perhaps because he can't stand the sight of vaginas?) so Jill can rub one out while she reads about Morganna's bawdy adventures in lesbianism. YARRRRR!
Now it's time to be social with Susan and Joe...
Later that night Jill sneaks into Susan and Joe's room to have a simulated threesome, while Dustin slumbers!
Uh oh! Dustin wakes up and searches for the strange sounds that awoke him from his dream of throbbing hard cocks, I mean soft dripping wet vaginas...
Can you believe that this man sticks his dick into vaginas? Poppycock, you say?
I know what you're thinking, "Hey, Scorethefilm, are there any pirates in this picture?" Yes. They're going to follow our phony-sex-heroes to the buried treasure.
We discover that Jill was sleepwalking the night before when she ended up in bed with Susan and Joe. Jill believes that and so does Dustin. Wow.
OH NO! Captain Tygus and Morganna kidnap Jill!
It's OK, folks, don't be alarmed. It's just so Morganna can scissor Jill. Who knows, she might be hiding the map somewhere that's not-so-hard to find...if you know where to look, that is.
Tygus shows up at the cabin to trade Jill for the treasure map and of course the gang has to think about it.
They all go looking for the treasure, find something and then it's fake sex between the two people who haven't phony fucked yet.
And it's over. As you might be able to guess, it's kind of funny in a campy sort of way. It's really so-bad-it's-good but then they knew that going into it. This whole thing is silly but it's fun and as far as a softcore porn goes, it's pretty entertaining. I'm still not convinced this guy puts his dick into vaginas...